Blog- Kathy Gallagher's Blog
Friday, September 14, 2007 by Kathy Gallagher
WHEN IS IT SAFE TO TRUST AGAIN?
One of the major themes I constantly run into as I speak at women’s events is the issue of trust. How is a wife, whose world has been rocked by the unfaithfulness of her husband, ever to put her heart on the line again?
The first thing I would say is that trust is earned, not automatically granted. A husband who has been involved in pornography or worse, adultery, must prove his faithfulness. Many husbands feel that once they have repented that the wife should instantly move on and never bring the issue up again. This kind of callous attitude will leave her feeling as if things are very unresolved. In many cases the wife is still trying to understand what happened. Her level of fear that he will fall again remains very strong. The husband may have had a wonderful breakthrough and is well on his way to victory, but rebuilding trust takes time. Husbands need to understand that the wife can’t just flip a switch and suddenly be able to trust again—especially when there is no evidence that anything is different. They need to understand that their words are meaningless. We must see visible signs of a transformed heart.
It took me a few years of watching Steve grow and mature spiritually before I was confident that he would not go back to his sin. We both grew in stages. As I saw progress in his life, my trust grew. Every time I saw him do the right thing in a hard situation my trust grew. As I saw his countenance soften… As I saw him treat me with more kindness… As I saw him press into God, my trust grew.
Trusting someone who has hurt you requires three things: time, proof of faithfulness, and your willingness to believe the best about him. It is one thing to lack trust because the husband hasn’t given you any reason to believe he is different; it is a completely different thing to hold back your trust when he has obviously changed.
Many women retreat into their own self-centered world because they fear being hurt again more than anything else. But I want to say that there is something worse than being hurt: allowing oneself to grow bitter. C.S. Lewis said:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
My heart goes out to those women who have been terribly hurt by unfaithful husbands. Yet, I know from much experience that if you are a child of God, He will give you all the grace you need to go through whatever comes your way. Trust God to help you and I promise He will.
Posted on Fri., Sep. 14, 2007 - Permalink | RSS
COMMENTS for When Is It Safe to Trust Again?
On Tuesday, March 18, 2008, Alicia Tunby said:
After three years of marriage and two and a half years of trying to have a child (we lost five babies in this time) we are now 15 weeks pregnant! Praise God! At 13 weeks I caught my husband on an Adult Friend Finder site looking at naked local women which has disturbed me more than him even looking at porn because it appears to me that he has moved closer to the acting out stage. This is not the first time I have caught him looking at porn but the first time I have caught him on a site of this nature. He also had a secret yahoo account and I told him he needed to come off of the id and password if we were going to move forward. He did but only after he went to the library and deleted about 100 of the emails off. I have demanded he get help. We are Christians and I am concerned for his eternal soul and what this could do to our child because I do believe in generational curses. I do also believe they can be broken too. We went to a local church where I asked to see a counselor in tears I might add. We both have counseling appointments and I know he wants to get help which I thank God for. My problem is how God has been so good to us and how he could do this to both of us is so hurtful. Especially knowing that I have had lots of miscarriages in the past and the fact that he made me so upset that something could have happened or if he acted out the STDs he could have given me or the baby or worse. The miracle here is that that night I went to sleep at 8:00 PM and I never got up this whole first trimester and this particular night I was awakened like a freight train had come into the room. When I awakened it was as if I felt that little voice inside say to me "Go To The Computer Room Now." I did so and that is when I caught him online. It was 11:30 PM and he had told me that he was going to be working on some business. He has admitted to me that he has done this on and off our entire relationship. It was not just looking either it was also self-gratification too which has robbed us of our marriage bed as well. Please those of you out there, please get counseling right away and do not wait. I was infuriated by my mother-in-law's response to me a hurting wife. She said "Well you know men look at women and with all the things on TV these days" Um mm, excuse me but looking at women and what her son was doing is two completely different things. I have asked my husband to please educate his mother about this addiction too!
On Saturday, March 8, 2008, crushed but brave said:
My husband has worn me completely out with his sin. I finally took the courage to take a deep breath & look at us clearly. The emotions are welling up inside of me but I will move forward into this thing until I see the face of God & discern his purpose & will. Today I see that my husband is extremely soul sick, with a root of immaturity & selfishness at it's core. Isn't that the root of all sin? Selfishness. These men absolutely are not loving their wives as Christ has loved the church so their wives suffer in unimaginable pain. I,myself, have languished for 20 long years with my hopes dashed over & over again. By the grace of God, I am betrothed in my heart to Christ who did lay down his life for me. I never have to wonder if I can trust Him. If the good Lord can redeem my husband & rid him once & for all of his wickedness, then praise God; but, in that day I will take it as a blessing to increase my own faith but in no man will I ever trust again. My husband took the heart & love of a love sick girl & turned it into a shameful tragedy. I gave all of my love to him & he counted as being of little worth. I understand now how God feels when we shun His love in his Son who died for us, as a light thing that we can't be bothered with. I intend, by the grace of Him who loved me, to serve out my days in sincere devotion to the one who is faithful & true. As for my husband, may he find someday the great joy that found me, through my pain.
On Saturday, November 17, 2007, anonymous said:
Does your program apply to those who have had affairs and who have never felt accepted or forgiven. my husband feels he has no hope and that God does not love him. This has caused many problems in our family because he has not shown much love to our children. And even thogh I feel he has truly been sorry, I feel at times the same bitterness and anger is still there. I have my own issues too. I believe God has done major work but for some reason I am feeling anxious and insecure about us.
On Thursday, November 8, 2007, Anonymous said:
I have been married for almost 22 years. We have 3 marvelous children. After the birth of our third child my husband told me that he was struggling with an sexual addiction. Internet Porn was his choice of poison. I was totally devastated. I thought until that day that I had the most wonderful life. My husband is a minister and marvelous father to my children. I was raised by an alcoholic father and to me my husband was all the man I always wanted for a father. This turned my life upside down. It has been 8 years and I still am struggling. My husband wants me to trust him and is truly hurt that I do not. Just 2 weeks ago he had surgery, after I got him home he checked his e-mail and left it open. When I went to turn off the computer, there were some e-mails from some the most vile sights I have ever seen. This time it did not hurt so bad. I almost seem not to care. I am now afraid that I have lost something. I am sickened to think that this was in my house. The expressions on the faces of the girls or women I can not get out of my head. My husband promised that those addresses are a result of the past. I have a hard believing him. How do I ever trust him again with my heart. I mean I trust him with my children and know that he would never hurt them and yet I can't find the way to trust him with me. I find myself being very distant and aloof. Please help me.
On Sunday, October 21, 2007, anonymous said:
Kathy, Thank you for a wonderful place where stories can be shared and possibly even help to heal another's brokenness. One year ago I called PLM and phone counselled with a woman there. It had just been disclosed to me that my husband of 19 years had been sexually molesting my 21 year old mentally retarded daughter and it had been going on for an extended amount of time. He had always been in minstry and had been also doing mission work in different parts of the world. He had previously had an affair (9 years prior) which led us to separate then, as we both went through counseling, alone and together, before reconciling. Needless to say, my daughter and I, along with our other children and our families were all devastated at this new incident. It has been a full year since that time. I went to the authorities, he moved out of our home immediately upon the disclosure, and we have since gotten divorced. Neither my daughter or I have received any professional counseling yet because I am so "particular" about who will do the counseling. I am looking for a person, doubly skilled, (experience with sexual victimization and counseling to mentally retarded)with the additional spiritual element, which is so important to us. Your counselor told me "You will need to hang onto His garment for dear life." That is what I have been doing. Healing takes time and the Lord has been so gracious to us. So many emotions!!!! So much to sort through!! If you have any recommendations to us for counseling, I would be grateful. Many women (and men) who were abused as children and have never told anyone their story, have come to me and talked about it for the first time. They say " I respect what you have done for your daughter and one day she will realize it." I appreciate everyone who has shared their painful stories with me. I do not know what it was like to have suffered abuse at the hands of a family member. These people have helped me to understand what it may be like for my daughter, and what she may possibly be going through because of it. Still, especially as the trial is soon approaching, the need for formal counseling seems to be getting closer to the forefront here. I have been involved in minstry myself and my first husband (who was my daughter's natural father) was a pastor of a non-denominational Spirit filled church. He is not available to support us in this place. I look forward to hearing your recommendations and once again, thank you, for sharing your stories. I have many of your books. You and Steve are touching many lives and may He continue to bless you both.
On Tuesday, October 16, 2007, Esther davis said:
That is really good. I wonder if it is possible that purelife could do something to help daughter's and sons whose perceptions have been damaged or broken by a father/mother witth problems. If a girl's father is unfaithful, how is she to trust anybody? At least, I have that problem.
On Tuesday, October 16, 2007, Kelly said:
My husband has been charged with online solicitation of a minor. He's doing much to heal through faith. Is there anyone here that has survived this? How did you repair your marital sexual relationship? Are you able to ever completely trust him again?
On Monday, October 15, 2007, Rae said:
First let me thank you for this article. I also am glad to hear from Susan and how she is handling her trust issue. Without her going into details, her life seems much like mine. My husband of 33 years has had several affairs and within the last year admitted his sexual addiction. He has gone from being an active member in our church to "blaming God" and wondering if there is a God anymore b/c of his addiction and other problems he also is having to deal with(one is his mother has alzheimer's). After what I thought was a true repentence when caught in his most recent affair, I wanted him to go to Pure Life but he wasn't willing to leave his mom while her mind was still able to remember. So I conceded to let him stay as long as he was in counseling. I thought his affair with an 18 year old (he is 52) was over as he assured me it was. I saw him begin to change. He began attending church about every other sunday but I could still see he was uncomfortable in church. We decided to go on a cruise for a fresh start(his idea) but to my dismay and utter surprise the week we came back(six months from affair coming out in the open) I found out he was still involved with the 18 year old. I asked him to move out. That was 3 months ago. Fortunately he is still in counseling but will not go back to church.We have agreed to remain friends and talk to each other almost daily. I am often asked what is the future for our marriage from friends and family and I know in my heart if I saw true repentance and he would let God back into his/our lives that there could be a future for us. But when we have talked I have continued to catch him in lies about his affair being over. I trusted him when he told me it was over and I let him move back home after a 3 month seperation. But I am more cautious now. I know I can forgive him, I have forgiven him 3 times in our 33 years of marriage, but I won't continue to allow myself to be opened up for another heartbreak. I will stand on my beliefs that in order for their to be reconcilliation for us, there has to be first, reconcilliation between him and God and my husband is aware of this. I have often questioned myself whether we should be seperated....how can we work things out when we are not together? But I refuse to share my husband with an 18 year old. When he makes his choice and is willing to move on, I will be there. I know with each passing day, week, and month, and lie, trusting is becoming so much harder for me to wonder if I could ever trust him again. But until then I find my peace and strength in God. It is my desire for a restored relationship but right now there is no way I could trust him with the continued lies and his desire to not have God in any part of his life.
On Saturday, September 29, 2007, an said:
Hi, I have a sexual addiction and my husband after 18 years of putting up with me had an afare himself. I have been trying so hard to protect my heart and I have such a fear of it being broken again. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on Sep. 14. BTW, I have been free from my sexual sin thanks to "Setting Captives Free." www.settingcaptivesfree.com
On Tuesday, September 25, 2007, Unable to forget said:
My husband had a porn addiction since the age of ten. His older cousins introduced his to it and through the years he was unable to shake it. At the age of 19 he gave his life to the Lord, but was unable to release this addiction of porn to God. In 2003 after 4 years of courting, we got married. We were off to a rough start and soon enough our relationship was growing cold. There was hardly any intimacy between us and lots of fights. He always made it seam like they were my fault. I was very resentful and asked the Lord why did he allow me to marry this man. I had no idea my husband was addicted to internet porn. After 1 year of marriage, we separated and I asked for the divorce. I was unsure that I wanted to return to him, something didn't feel honest. I went about my life as if I was single again, and after adultery on both our behalves, we reconciled. The divorce papers went in the trash, but before that, he confessed his addiction to me. We prayed and I told him that I would help him fight this addiction together. We have now been together for 2 years since our separation and we have a 10 mo. old. While I was pregnant I was in the second story of a supermarket. I looked down as I walked and there was my husband with a Maxim magazine in his hands.Lustfully looking at a woman who was extended on both pages of the magazine. I quickly called out his name and nodded my head in disappointment. I became infuriated with the site and vowed to never trust him again.I felt that I could not leave him since I was pregnant. I wanted my son to grow up with his father but I have not been able to trust him since. He rejects any type of help, I purchased the book Sexual Idolatry for us to read together and have not been able to go past the 2nd chapter. We always fight when I begin to ask him, "How did this happen in our marriage? Why did you go back to internet port? I never noticed any signs. He was very involved in church back then and is now still. Yet, I am afraid to trust him again and I feel this time I would not be able to withstand his addiction. I ask that your join me in prayer for my husband as well as for my life. My sin of adultery was forgiven and of many more just like Susan C. but I also fear that my boy grows up beside a man that doesn't fear God enough, to never go back to porn. Please advice me as to how I can know if he is still watching that at work. This is where it would happen before. I never noticed his addiction before, how can I be sure I would notice now? Help, I want to be faithful to the vows I spoke at the alter," In good and bad", but this is something that overpowers me and controls me and my thoughts day and night! Help...
On Sunday, September 23, 2007, Susan Clark said:
Forgiveness has been easy for me because I have been forgiven much and I know that it frees me from the bondage that unforgiveness brings with it. It was several years after my hubands 2 affairs and numerous addictive behaviors that I began to trust him again. First let me say that if I could not have seen his repentant heart, trust would not have been an option. Similiar to Kathy's story, my husband's addictions surfaced again many times. Each time we had a new opportunity to grow and change another facet of our relationship. God was wooing him too to surrender all of himself. As the years began to pass, I believe that my husband became complacent and thought he had 'beat' this addiction. Unfortunately that is exactly what the devil was working towards and now he has acted on the old temptation again. This time it did not catch me off guard. God has been preparing me for battle. This pain in my life caused me to reach out for God in a way that I never had before and he gave me peace through this storm. I know that only through his grace and forgiveness have I been able to still have joy and peace. I am so thankful that God never abandoned me and I trust that he will continue to call my husband to a deeper relationship with him and I will not lose hope of a restored relationship that includes trusting my husband again.
