I am a married man of 31 years and possess Jesus as Lord and Savior of my life. I go
to strip clubs every few weeks, and then I repent and cry out to God for forgiveness, but it isn’t long before I fall back into sin again. I wonder - Am I really saved?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 1/18/12
It sounds like you are trapped in a vicious cycle of sexual sin and need a better understanding of what true repentance looks like. First, let’s take a look at 1 John 3:9-10 which says, “No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother.”
So in light of this passage and many others in Scripture, there’s no wonder you’re questioning your salvation and wrestling with so much condemnation. Even though you “repent and cry out to God for forgiveness” after each failure, this habitual pattern of sexual sin only points to worldly sorrow which means you haven’t been truly broken over your sin yet. You are making a conscious choice to obey the dictates of your flesh and are willfully disobeying God and dishonoring your wife. You must get honest with yourself and admit that Jesus is not truly the Lord of your life because you love your sin more than you love Him. This is what you must REPENT of: being a lover of pleasure rather than a sincere lover of God.
It says in Proverbs 28:13, “he who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will receive mercy.” Once you confess your sin to the Lord, you must FORSAKE it in order to receive a real breakthrough and show fruits of repentance. You must be open with your wife and a godly man (preferably your spiritual leader) so that you can be held accountable with what you’re doing with your time and money. Furthermore, it is imperative that cut off everything in your life that the enemy uses to lure you away from Jesus and into sin. As Christians we are to “put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” (Romans 13:14) This may mean getting rid of your TV, purging your DVD collection, getting a good internet filter, and cutting off access to whatever else your flesh feeds upon on a regular basis. If you do this, you will show the Lord and your wife that you mean business and instead of having mere worldly sorrow over your sin, you will experience true godly sorrow. (2 Corinthians 9:9b-11)
Lastly, please examine your devotional life. Are you spending quality time each day in the Word and in prayer? If you are not doing this, it will be very easy for you to slip back into your sinful behavior. You must feed your spirit man and stay dependent on the Lord daily. If you “live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” (Gal. 5:16) I urge you to consider enrolling in our Overcomers At-Home Program which will help you get on track with the Lord and will motivate you to become more discipline in your walk with the Lord.
I love my wife, but she is no longer attractive to me. Every day, I wrestle with lustful
thoughts and masturbation, and now men are starting to seem attractive to me. I feel so desperate. I love Jesus and don’t want to hurt him. What do I do?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 12/16/11
Brother, I’ve counseled dozens of married men over the years with the same struggle as you, having been trapped in a habitual pattern of viewing pornography, fantasying about sex and self-gratification. It is not uncommon for a man, like you, when he allows himself to be consumed with lust and sexual fantasy to lose his attraction for his wife. Unfortunately, if your thought life is left unchecked, it’s only a matter of time before you may reach the “point of no return” and head down the spiral of degradation including homosexuality as described in Romans 1:18-32.
Although you don’t find your wife attractive at the moment, you must continue to love her and show her affection in order to honor your marriage vows and to glorify Jesus (cf. Eph. 5:25). I urge you to shift your focus on filling her needs (physical, emotional, practical, etc.) which is a choice you must make every day. The good news is that this choice will become easier and easier as you allow the Lord to purify your heart and mind through His Word (cf. Psalm 19:7-9).
My advice to you before you cross any forbidden lines and possibly jeopardize your marriage is to enroll in one of our programs right away. Our Overcomers at-Home program might be a good fit for you to help you get on track spiritually and to offer you biblical solutions that will help turn things around for you.
I keep getting pictures from the past in my mind. Is God trying to convict me of something?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 10/15/11
If you have repented of your past sins—renounced and forsaken them—there is nothing for the Lord to convict you of. He only convicts of sin so that the person will confess his transgression and repent of it. Even if He were still dealing with you about some underlying attitude, He wouldn’t bring ungodly thoughts into your mind to accomplish it.
You are simply suffering the long term consequences of sin. Jeremiah spoke of this spiritual phenomenon when he wrote: “The sin of Judah is written down with an iron stylus; with a diamond point it is engraved upon the tablet of their heart and on the horns of their altars, as they remember their children, so they remember their altars and their Asherim by green trees on the high hills.” (Jeremiah 17:1-2)
In regard to these verses, the Pulpit Commentary says the following: “Sin leaves a record of itself. It is not an isolated act. It begets consequences — plants memories, creates guilt. The record remains even if we do not read it… It is written on the memory. Men who have forsaken the scenes of their evil deeds cannot shake off the clinging burden of the memory of them. The criminal is haunted by his crimes. They people his dreams with horrors; they overshadow his waking hours with gloom. Even when sin is put out of mind it is probably buried in the secret chamber of memory, to be ultimately brought to the light of consciousness.”
The author who wrote these words was referring primarily to unrepentant sinners. Yet, there is still a truth involved that should be noted. Just like a girl can repent of her sexual sin and still face an unwanted pregnancy or a thief can forsake his criminal life but still be sentenced to prison, the effects of our sins can haunt our lives years after the act has been committed.
My wife left the house with the kids to go live with her mother. She wanted me to come with her but I said no. I thought our marriage was doing ok. I don’t think what she is doing is right. What can I do in this situation to get my family back together?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 10/15/11
I don’t have all the information to give a solid answer to this question. However, if I were to read between the lines—you are contacting a ministry which deals with sexual sin and your wife has left you—I would guess that you have been involved in sexual sin.
If that is the case, then it is more understandable why she would only be willing to live with you under those circumstances. Perhaps she feels that living with you gives you too much control over the relationship.
Your comment, “I thought our marriage was doing ok” is very typical thinking for us men. I, too, was oblivious to our marital problems when I was in my sin. The husband is often the last one to know that the wife has reached the end of her rope.
If you are in sexual sin, I would suggest you take whatever steps you need to take to get the victory. Perhaps you and your wife would consider the Pure Life Ministries Overcomers-At-Home program. It helps the man find the freedom he needs and also helps the couple deal with all the marital problems that are inevitably involved. If you show your wife that you mean business, my guess is that she will be willing to work with you through this process.
I am a missionary who has fallen into homosexual sin. Do you know of any place to go to be restored?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 10/15/11
Absolutely—Pure Life Ministries! We have been ministering to homosexuals for 20 years now. In fact, most of our male counselors come out of that lifestyle.
From the beginning, we have treated homosexual behavior as simply another form of habitual sexual sin. True, homosexuals face specific issues that heterosexual addicts do not encounter, i.e. same sex attractions, etc. However, I believe making these secondary concerns the main focus is a grave mistake.
The larger and more important issue to address is one’s relationship to God. If homosexuality is sin, then the first thing that must happen is true repentance. It is amazing what happens when a man is truly broken over his sin. His entire countenance changes, his desires become different, and his heart becomes softened.
Once that happens, then he must learn to walk out his new freedom. Paul said that if believers will walk in the Spirit they will not cave in to the temptations that come their way. (Galatians 5:16) I have never met a man in sexual sin who was walking in the Spirit. This is a much deeper life in God than most men realize is available.
Why are men encountering God in a powerful way at Pure Life? Because the staff spends many hours every week in prayer. When a man comes to the PLM live-in program, he is entering a place that has been saturated in prayer. There is a wonderful spiritual atmosphere which is conducive to men finding victory in the power of God.
When a man has an encounter with God, mountains tend to become molehills. Problems that seemed insurmountable suddenly seem manageable. Emotions that once raged out of control become quieted. Addictions lose their power. Life takes on a whole new look. This is what happens for men at Pure Life Ministries on a regular basis.