I really want to be free from sexual sin, which had been a curse on my life since
2009. I don’t want to destroy my relationship with my future wife. I don’t know if I
can let go of what I need to and really let the Lord change me and my life. How do I fix my relationship with God and how do I start over again?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 5/29/13
You are ripe for a real breakthrough, my brother! You have expressed a sincere desire to find freedom from habitual sin and to avoid catastrophe in your future. You are beginning to see your need for the Lord even though you are uncertain if you can really let go of your idols and besetting sin.
The good news is that Jesus Christ came to take AWAY our sins (1 John 3:5). He knows what it’s like to face overwhelming temptation. And because of this He sympathizes “with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin (Heb. 4:15). Jesus is not repulsed by you and bothered by your struggles. He wants you to come to Him so that He can help you—so He can transform your life and set you free!
I urge you to run to the Lord now! REPENT! There is open access to His throne of grace for anyone who comes to Him in faith and with a repentant heart. Confess all your sins to Jesus and make a decision to turn away them once and for all. He will forgive you! He will cleanse you! True repentance is always the essential first step on the path to lasting freedom.
The fact is, only Jesus can restore your soul and redeem your life! Yes, you can find your life overflowing with mercy and grace to help you life a victorious life in Christ (Heb. 4:16).
Honestly, you sound like a perfect candidate for one of our counseling program (download an application here). If you are unsure which program would be better for you, please call us at 888-PURELIFE to arrange a Counseling Support Call to speak with one of our trained and experienced biblical counselors who has overcome his own battle with sexual sin.
Why do I have physical anxiety, and feel God has forsaken me? I have a lifetime of
deep sexual sin and I have begged God to help me deal with this and put to death
that feels like a demon that lives in me. I feel like God has turned his back on me
and no longer wants to hear from me. I'm scared and struggle to even get through one day.
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 5/8/13
It says in Isaiah 59:1-2: “Behold, the LORD'S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear.” This passage clearly describes why you sense a wall between yourself and the Lord—why you are so full of fear, anxiety and unbelief. But don’t believe the lies of the enemy! While it is true your sin has hindered you from having a vibrant walk with the Lord and from having the closeness with Him you desire, this separation—God’s “withdrawal” from you—is actually what He is using to drive you to Himself!
Brother, I have been in your shoes before many years ago. I too was steeped in sexual sin and also drug addiction. I came to a place where I had little to no hope of ever changing or being set free. Although there were times I would cry out to God for help, I really didn’t want to surrender to Him, nor did I want to let go of my idols and reckless way of living. For a time, I simply wanted relief from the negative consequences of my sin. As a result, I was unable to connect with the Lord in any real way. Honestly, I was convinced that He didn’t even care that much about me.
However, when I reached my lowest point, I cried out to Jesus for help and asked for mercy. The Lord must have seen sincerity in my heart at that moment because this turn toward Him was all it took. It was what the Lord was waiting for—for me to humble myself, to acknowledge my utter helplessness and to give up my sinful lifestyle to follow Him. I have been free now from the bondage of sexual sin for almost 15 years.
And I strongly suspect this is what the Lord is waiting for from you! There is so much hope and full assurance that your sins can be forgiven and blotted out, if you will only turn with all your heart to Jesus with an honest confession and repentance. First John 1:9 tells us, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
If you sincerely desire to at last break free from your bondage, I highly recommend that you consider our 6-12 month residential program immediately. You may download an application here.
My wife is caught up in sexual sin and has committed adultery with her brother-in-
law and has recently tried seducing our son-in-law. When I confront her, she attacks
me. I’ve been praying and fasting for her and want to love her as Christ loves the Church. I love her with all my heart, but, what do I do? She is leaving a wake of destruction in her path.
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 4/8/13
Brother, I’m sorry to hear of the awful circumstances you’re dealing with in your marriage. Your commitment to fast and pray for your wife speaks volumes and shows your unconditional love for her. This reminds me of the Old Testament story of Hosea’s relationship with his wife, Gomer. His was a picture of God’s faithfulness to the adulterous nation of Israel. Neither God nor Hosea gave up on the one they loved. So, I encourage you not to give up on your wife! But believe God for a breakthrough!
If you haven’t done so already, you should see your pastor or a biblical marriage counselor nearby to assist you and your wife if she is willing. Perhaps, there is a blind spot in your marriage or family that is obscuring something that needs to be brought to light. Who knows? There could be something else hidden that may be pivotal to things getting turned around in your situation.
As you continue to seek the Lord about things, trust and believe that He will bring everything into the light and that He will bring your wife and other family members to true repentance.
I was molested when I was younger and feel drawn towards strong men. I don’t want to tell my pastor because I am afraid he’ll throw me out. What can I do?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 3/12/13
Your question raises two separate but equally important issues. When a boy is molested, it can create an inner compulsion that may develop into homosexual lust later on in life. However, the important issue is not how it began but how a person responds to that desire. In my book, Counseling the Sexual Addict, I addressed this issue:
“Regardless of what causes homosexual lust to develop, a person still has a choice as to whether he will give himself over to it or not. As I have stated earlier, every one of us is predisposed toward some sin. James said, ‘But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.’ (James 1:14) There are a myriad of sins and countless different lusts to provoke them. Sexual lust is only one of many. Consequently, the origin of the homosexual desire isn’t the key issue. People who have a bent toward homosexuality must resist those desires of the flesh, repent of their sin, and commit themselves to living in obedience to God’s Word just as a person who struggles with any other life-dominating sin.”
As a person matures spiritually and draws nearer to God, he finds that the temptation to sin loses its power. Any sexual fantasy that is regularly entertained or acted upon will become ever greater in a person’s heart. Likewise, when a person does his best to turn away from that lust and turn toward the Lord, he will find that the fantasy will diminish. “If you walk in the Spirit you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh,” Paul said. It is very true.
The other thing I wanted to mention is your relationship with your pastor. It is extremely important that you open yourself up to him. If he would kick you out of his church because you have a struggle like this, you are in the wrong church. However, I think you will find that if you will share your struggles with him, he will prove to be a man who has compassion for your situation. The enemy is keenly aware that if you don’t open up to others, you remain very vulnerable to his temptations. But if you will open up to another believer, you will find a great deal of help in your struggles.
I am a married 60 year-old Christian man, with a wonderful wife and kids. No one
knows about the struggle I’ve had for over 20 years now. I watch porn for hours on end at work and flirt with married women online. I haven’t actually met anyone in person, but I’m thinking about it. How do I stop?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 2/19/13
The first thought that comes to mind is RED LIGHT. STOP what you’re doing immediately before you cross any more lines that you will regret and that will most likely destroy your marriage and career. But most importantly, your relationship with Jesus is at stake. It doesn’t sound like you are walking with the Lord at all. First John 1:6 says, “if we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.” (NKJV)
You have been in secret sin for over two decades now, and it is obvious that you are in deep bondage and spiraling out of control. The best way to STOP is to bring your sin into the light right now. As long as you hold onto your sin privately for whatever reason, you get to stay in control, but you will continue down the path of destruction. Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.”
It is wise to seek out your pastor or another godly man whom you trust and confess everything that you’ve been doing over the past 20 years. This way you can be held accountable and some boundaries can be put in the place. It is critical that you to install a filter immediately on both your home and work computers immediately and have someone you trust be your administrator.
At some point soon, you will have to share these things with your wife—so that there are no secrets between the two of you. Hopefully, your pastor or counselor can assist you in this process.
Lastly, I highly recommend that you enroll in our residential program. In light of what you’ve shared and your cry for help, I believe our program will help you to achieve the victory you desperately need.
I’ve struggled with masturbation and pornography for over ten years. After I got
married, I admitted my current struggle with lustful thoughts to my wife. I told her I needed help, but she disagreed and doesn’t want to discuss this. What should I do?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 1/30/13
Brother, it’s good to hear that you have been open with your wife about your struggles. Perhaps she doesn’t understand the seriousness of your problem or even how detrimental it can be to your marriage. Maybe the issue makes her feel uncomfortable or maybe she’s afraid that others will know that her husband has a serious problem. Whatever the case may be, I urge you to seek help immediately. A good place to start would be to speak with your pastor or a biblical counselor in your area about your struggles.
Then, consider applying to one of our counseling programs, either the Overcomers At-Home or our residential program. Hopefully, at some point in the future, once you’ve gotten victory over habitual sin, your wife will appreciate the fact that you took action and will respect you all the more for it.
When someone has confessed a sexual sin to their pastor, is this something they
should confess to the Church or do they need to resolve it on their own?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 12/19/12
I don’t know what the sexual sin is, so it is difficult to give anything but a general answer. Typically, a man who has fallen into sexual sin should only need to confess his moral lapse to his spiritual leader. If he has repented, there is no reason for anyone else to know about it.
In Matthew 18, Jesus gives the following formula for dealing with a man who does not repent: “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:15-17)
I share this to make one point: Jesus only involves other people as He needs to. If He can lead the erring brother to repentance with one person’s involvement, He will do so. If it takes two or three, so be it. If this doesn’t work—and as a last effort to save this man’s soul—He is not above letting it be known by all. But again, this is only for the unrepentant person. If you have repented, this does not apply.
Now, I must make one exception to this rule. If a person has victimized people in the past, it may need to be brought out into the light for the protection of others. For instance, if a man has molested children in the past and has repented, it is still only right that parents know what the man has done. Not only will this serve as a deterrent to him should he get weak and tempted, but it will also protect those children. For a guy with a porn problem to slip is one thing. For a guy with a molesting problem to fall could be devastating.
My wife left me because of my sexual sin. I’m very angry and don’t know where to
turn. Please help.
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 11/13/12
Dear brother, unfortunately your situation is becoming increasingly common both in and out of the church. Sexual sin is wreaking havoc in the lives and marriages of countless souls. Nevertheless, there is HOPE for you despite your failure and the consequences you have to face.
You may not realize it right now, but your wife leaving you may be the best thing that could have happened—to get your attention and to get you to cry out for help!
Now is the time for you to turn to Jesus with your whole heart in brokenness and true repentance. He can take of your marriage, but He needs to deal with you first.
He is the only one who can help you and who can set you free from your bondage. As difficult as it may be, you cannot afford to focus on trying to win your wife back or to restore your marriage. Spiritually, you are in darkness right now, and your sins have formed a wedge between you and God (Isa. 59:2).
If you’re desperate and really want to change, I urge you to pray this prayer,
“Lord Jesus, I acknowledge my sins before You (say each one out loud). I am guilty as charged and I repent! I beg You to forgive me, to cleanse me and to set me free. I am willing to do whatever it takes to walk in victory, to have a pure heart and to become the husband and man of God You created me to be.”
Then, take the next step and share with your local pastor or another godly man in your area so that you have the support you need to go forward. I highly recommend that you consider enrolling in one of our counseling programs immediately. If you’re unsure which program best fits you, please sign up for a Counseling Support Call at 888-PureLife.
My wife wants me to be accountable to her with my sexual struggles, but I feel
uncomfortable confessing to her. Who should I be accountable to?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 10/17/12
There is a balance to walk here. On one hand, your wife is the closest person to you and is in the best position to hold you accountable. On the other hand, every time you admit failure it is going to hurt her, which makes confession a difficult thing.
My advice is to have two accountability partners. First, your wife plays a very key role in your everyday life. She alone can watch over your time and money. I wrote the following in my book, At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry:
Any wife who is going to help her husband through the process of overcoming this habit will have to closely monitor a number of things, the first being his money. As soon as I was serious about obtaining the victory over sexual sin, my wife and I agreed that I was not to have more than five dollars in my pocket at a time. I was not allowed to have a credit card or an ATM card. This one safety valve was an extremely important part of the victory which ensued. The man who means business will not hedge on this issue. Secondly, she must be attuned to her husband's problem and keep a close watch over his actions. If he suddenly stands up and announces that he needs to go shopping, she should question him about his exact intentions. The wife who is deceived a few times quickly learns to become suspicious about any odd behavior. Once again, a man who wants to be set free will appreciate and welcome such devotion from his spouse.
The wife is really the only one in a position to monitor a man’s daily life. However, she really should not be the one who he goes to with every failure. He needs a close friend, or even better, a spiritual leader who he can share his struggles and failures with. It would be unwise for a wife to put herself in this position because of the pain involved. When the husband sees how his confessions hurt his wife, his natural tendency will be to withhold information. It is better for him to keep his struggles in the light with someone who is not personally affected by them.
I’ve been a Christian for about four years and before I got married, I had some sexual
encounters with men. I thought that when I got married, these desires for men would decrease, but have instead increased. I feel remorse, but not a true repentance. No one knows about this, and I feel stuck in this horrible cycle of sin. What do I do?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 9/11/12
Brother, I have heard it all too often from other men like yourself who went into marriage with high hopes that their sexual sin issues would simply disappear—only to discover that they got worse over time. Without a doubt, going into marriage with secret sin further complicates matters for both spouses later on, as you well know.
It sounds as though you’re trapped in a catch-22 situation. On the one hand, you’ve been refusing to act upon your lustful desires which are overwhelming at times; while on the other hand, you have been habitually feeding your flesh in one way or another. Is it viewing pornography on the internet or communicating with someone online? Consider your thought life since you’ve gotten married. Do you see how many ways you’ve been making provision for your flesh? No wonder you’ve been unsuccessful in finding victory and true repentance!
But here’s some good news for you. This horrible cycle of sin won’t go on forever if you’re willing to humble yourself and “turn from these wicked ways.” It’s time for you to bring everything into the LIGHT and make a U-turn at once!
Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” So, it’s crucial that you confess to your wife as soon as possible. She’s your helpmate, and your hidden sin disrupts the unity between the two of you. Although it may be extremely difficult for her to receive, at least she’ll know how to pray for and support you once everything is out in the open. You may want to come clean with your pastor first, so that he can come alongside you and possibly be present during your confession.
There’s one more thing you can do that will help you through this process of repentance. I urge you to consider enrolling in our 12-week Overcomers at-Home program to receive godly support from a trained biblical counselor who has overcome sexual sin in his own life. There is also counseling available for your wife as well.
Scripturally, is there a greater significance or consequence to sexual sin than there
is to other sinful activities?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 8/10/12
Yes, I believe there is. For one thing, it is an undeniable fact that Scripture emphasizes the need for moral purity through its teachings, commandments and stories. For instance, when Paul listed out the deeds of the flesh in Galatians 5:19-21, the first three had to do with sexual sin. When he did the same in I Corinthians 6:9-10, four out of the first five had to do with immorality.
A few verses later in that chapter Paul went on to say, “Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, ‘The two shall become one flesh.’…Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.” (I Corinthians 6:16, 18) These last statements show us the reason why sexual sin has a greater significance or consequence than many other transgressions. When two people join themselves in the sexual act, in some inexplicable way a spiritual union takes place between them.
I could give other evidence to support this idea as well. But this whole line of thought brings to mind another important spiritual truth. Man looks on the outward but God looks upon the heart. The natural tendency for religious people is to focus upon obvious, outward sins and overlook the deeper attitudes and motivations that go on inside a person. For instance, those who don’t struggle with sexual sin find it very easy to become self-righteous as they look down on those who do.
I will offer an example of what I am referring to. In Proverbs 6:16, Solomon names seven things that are abominable to the Lord. The very first one mentioned is a haughty look. Pride is one of the most despicable attitudes that the fallen heart can hold. It was pride that caused Lucifer to be cast out of heaven. It was pride that caused David to number the people and brought upon them devastating judgment. It was pride that Jesus denounced in the Pharisees. Yet, how often do we ever hear it talked about from modern pulpits?
Yes, sexual immorality does carry with it grave consequences, but we should also be careful that we don’t fall into the trap of focusing on outward sins and neglecting the heart issues that bring them about.
I have read At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry and have had victory over the last three
years. However, recently I have been falling back into masturbation and porn. How can I get this back under control?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 7/18/12
I will answer you with the words Jesus spoke to the Ephesian church: “Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first…”
This is sound advice for anyone who gets off track. Jesus gives us three important points here. First, remember how you were living your life before you got off track. Remember the joy of being in a right relationship with God. Remember the wonderful times of prayer and worship. Remember the truths you uncovered in Scripture. As you recall these things, you will be motivated to return to them.
Second, repent of what you have done. You simply need to get on your knees before God, acknowledge your sin, and commit yourself to obeying Him. Also, confess your sin to another brother so that it will be in the light.
Lastly, go back to what works. Imagine that you are on a narrow path. After some amount of time, you notice that you have gotten off the path and are way off in the brush somewhere. The way to get back on track is to get back into the lifestyle—the “walk” as the Bible calls it—that you had before you got in trouble. My book certainly lays out that lifestyle of victory. Perhaps it would be beneficial to you to pull it off the shelf and go back over the principles that helped you so much the first time through.
There is one other thing I want to mention here. Jesus’ words were to the Ephesians who had left their first love. This is truly the underlying issue here. As you get your devotional life back in place, make sure you begin asking the Lord to restore that lost love. Nothing diffuses the power of sin like a true love for God.
I’m sexually attracted to someone outside my marriage. I haven’t done anything, but
want these feelings to go away. If I’ve admitted my sin to God and taken the steps to
be free, why do I still suffer? Does God even care?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 6/12/12
First off, please know that God cares about you and your struggles! It says in Hebrews 4:14 that Jesus does “sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.” And so each time to turn to Him, He is there for you—don’t ever doubt His love and faithfulness.
Have you been making any kind of provision for your flesh? Each time you allow an impure thought to linger, the “feelings” you’re experiencing will only become more pronounced. It is our responsibility as Christians, to “make no provision for our flesh to fulfill its lust.” (Rom. 13:14)
Is your spouse or someone else aware of your current struggle? Because you’ve been turning to the Lord and striving to be free, your vulnerability with your spouse or another godly man whom you trust would definitely help keep you accountable until this thing breaks.
Have you been praying for this person you’re having impure thoughts about? If you commit to praying that God would meet that person’s need when you’re tempted to lust, eventually you will break free in your heart. And begin to see that person the way Jesus does. We are told that “it is more blessed to give than to receive.” (Acts. 20:35) Sexual lust is always about taking!
Finally, brother, please understand that as long as we’re on this earth, we will be engaged in warfare against the world, flesh and the devil, but through Jesus Christ we can be “more than conquerors.” (Romans 8:37) Whenever you face temptations in this life, remember that this is a common experience for everyone, “but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)
I have struggled with masturbation and pornography for a long time. I want to get
remarried; the only problem is that this would be my third marriage. Can I remarry?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 5/15/12
The Bible says that God hates divorce. (Malachi 2:16) People usually end up in divorce court because they didn’t seek the Lord’s will about their perspective mate in the first place. Then, once married, they lived a self-centered life instead of unselfishly seeking the good of the other.
However, I’m not one of those ministers who takes a rigid (what I would term legalistic) stand on remarriage. God is always concerned with what is going on in the heart. He does hate divorce, just like He also hates murder, and hypocrisy, and pride and a lot of other things.
The important issue is not whether or not you have been married in the past but what your life is like now. If you will truly repent of your sin and live a godly life, the time will probably arrive when the Lord will feel as though He can trust you with a wife.
The other thing I would say is that marriage is not the answer to a masturbation or pornography problem. It will only be a matter of time before you tire of your wife in bed and start looking for something carnal to take her place. If you will get your life right with God, I think you will find that your desires will truly change from the inside.
My wife and I have been together for over 20 years. When we met, neither of us were
Christians. We eventually were involved with drugs and porn. Since then, she has become a Christian. I’ve been trying to change my behavior and read the Bible, but she’s become cold and bitter. I know I am wrong. How do I restore my marriage? How do I regain my wife’s trust?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 3/26/12
Dear brother, you need to start off by taking drastic measures to cut off your supply to pornography and any source of temptation that you may have easy access to in your home. For example, if you have internet access on your computer (or on any other gadget that has wifi capability), install a good filter immediately. Make sure your wife or someone else has the administrative password. It would be wise as well to remove magazines, DVDs and even cable TV if these cause you to stumble. Once you purge your home, at least you will have a sanctuary—a safe place to seek the Lord without being bombarded day and night with lustful images. Your taking these steps could begin the process of regaining your wife’s trust.
However, the most important question of all is…have you yourself committed your life to Christ? If not, and you are sincere in your desire to change, you need to pray that the Lord will make Himself real to you. I know He will hear your cry and can change your heart about pornography, your marriage and so much more. I encourage you to start attending your local church with your wife if you are not already doing so. Then at some point, if your wife is willing, you both should seek marital counseling through the pastor or a biblical counselor in your area.
Finally, once you have gone down this path, I also suggest our book From Ashes to Beauty for you and your wife, a real life testimony of how two leaders on our staff were rescued by the Lord and restored into a marriage they never thought possible. Be encouraged by watching some of the testimony videos on our Restoring Marriages page.
I have been studying the Bible and following His Word, but sometimes, I feel that I
have to watch pornography and masturbate. I’ve also already fallen into sin with my girlfriend. I know I am growing in the Lord, I even preached in church last year, but I am always disturbed with wanting to satisfy my sexual sin. How can I get rid of this once and for all?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 3/9/12
Dear brother, it’s obvious that your addiction to pornography has been in competition with your walk with the Lord for a long, long time. I must be direct with you. 1 John 2:3-4 says, “Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, ‘I know Him,’ and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.” Furthermore, I question whether you have been able to impart anything of real spiritual value to others because of your own lack of purity. Remember
James 1:1, “My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment.”
However, change is possible, and there is HOPE for you! Based on what you’ve shared and my experience counseling sexual addicts for the past ten years, I highly recommend that you take a “time out” and enroll in our 6 - 12 month residential program. This program is the most effective means we offer to help men reach lasting victory over sexual sin.
I believe that until there is a radical amputation that occurs in your life as Jesus commands in Matt. 5:27-30, you will continue to stay in bondage. And this “merry-go round” of failure will most likely lead you to cross more lines and go deeper into darkness.
I am a married man of over 30 years and possess Jesus as Lord and Savior of my
life. I go to strip clubs every few weeks, and then I repent and cry out to God for forgiveness, but it isn’t long before I fall back into sin again. I wonder - Am I really saved?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 1/18/12
It sounds like you are trapped in a vicious cycle of sexual sin and need a better understanding of what true repentance looks like. First, let’s take a look at 1 John 3:9-10 which says, “No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother.”
So in light of this passage and many others in Scripture, there’s no wonder you’re questioning your salvation and wrestling with so much condemnation. Even though you “repent and cry out to God for forgiveness” after each failure, this habitual pattern of sexual sin only points to worldly sorrow which means you haven’t been truly broken over your sin yet. You are making a conscious choice to obey the dictates of your flesh and are willfully disobeying God and dishonoring your wife. You must get honest with yourself and admit that Jesus is not truly the Lord of your life because you love your sin more than you love Him. This is what you must REPENT of: being a lover of pleasure rather than a sincere lover of God.
It says in Proverbs 28:13, “he who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will receive mercy.” Once you confess your sin to the Lord, you must FORSAKE it in order to receive a real breakthrough and show fruits of repentance. You must be open with your wife and a godly man (preferably your spiritual leader) so that you can be held accountable with what you’re doing with your time and money. Furthermore, it is imperative that cut off everything in your life that the enemy uses to lure you away from Jesus and into sin. As Christians we are to “put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” (Romans 13:14) This may mean getting rid of your TV, purging your DVD collection, getting a good internet filter, and cutting off access to whatever else your flesh feeds upon on a regular basis. If you do this, you will show the Lord and your wife that you mean business and instead of having mere worldly sorrow over your sin, you will experience true godly sorrow. (2 Corinthians 9:9b-11)
Lastly, please examine your devotional life. Are you spending quality time each day in the Word and in prayer? If you are not doing this, it will be very easy for you to slip back into your sinful behavior. You must feed your spirit man and stay dependent on the Lord daily. If you “live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” (Gal. 5:16) I urge you to consider enrolling in our Overcomers At-Home Program which will help you get on track with the Lord and will motivate you to become more discipline in your walk with the Lord.
I love my wife, but she is no longer attractive to me. Every day, I wrestle with lustful
thoughts and masturbation, and now men are starting to seem attractive to me. I feel so desperate. I love Jesus and don’t want to hurt him. What do I do?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 12/16/11
Brother, I’ve counseled dozens of married men over the years with the same struggle as you, having been trapped in a habitual pattern of viewing pornography, fantasying about sex and self-gratification. It is not uncommon for a man, like you, when he allows himself to be consumed with lust and sexual fantasy to lose his attraction for his wife. Unfortunately, if your thought life is left unchecked, it’s only a matter of time before you may reach the “point of no return” and head down the spiral of degradation including homosexuality as described in Romans 1:18-32.
Although you don’t find your wife attractive at the moment, you must continue to love her and show her affection in order to honor your marriage vows and to glorify Jesus (cf. Eph. 5:25). I urge you to shift your focus on filling her needs (physical, emotional, practical, etc.) which is a choice you must make every day. The good news is that this choice will become easier and easier as you allow the Lord to purify your heart and mind through His Word (cf. Psalm 19:7-9).
My advice to you before you cross any forbidden lines and possibly jeopardize your marriage is to enroll in one of our programs right away. Our Overcomers at-Home program might be a good fit for you to help you get on track spiritually and to offer you biblical solutions that will help turn things around for you.
I keep getting pictures from the past in my mind. Is God trying to convict me of something?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 10/15/11
If you have repented of your past sins—renounced and forsaken them—there is nothing for the Lord to convict you of. He only convicts of sin so that the person will confess his transgression and repent of it. Even if He were still dealing with you about some underlying attitude, He wouldn’t bring ungodly thoughts into your mind to accomplish it.
You are simply suffering the long term consequences of sin. Jeremiah spoke of this spiritual phenomenon when he wrote: “The sin of Judah is written down with an iron stylus; with a diamond point it is engraved upon the tablet of their heart and on the horns of their altars, as they remember their children, so they remember their altars and their Asherim by green trees on the high hills.” (Jeremiah 17:1-2)
In regard to these verses, the Pulpit Commentary says the following: “Sin leaves a record of itself. It is not an isolated act. It begets consequences — plants memories, creates guilt. The record remains even if we do not read it… It is written on the memory. Men who have forsaken the scenes of their evil deeds cannot shake off the clinging burden of the memory of them. The criminal is haunted by his crimes. They people his dreams with horrors; they overshadow his waking hours with gloom. Even when sin is put out of mind it is probably buried in the secret chamber of memory, to be ultimately brought to the light of consciousness.”
The author who wrote these words was referring primarily to unrepentant sinners. Yet, there is still a truth involved that should be noted. Just like a girl can repent of her sexual sin and still face an unwanted pregnancy or a thief can forsake his criminal life but still be sentenced to prison, the effects of our sins can haunt our lives years after the act has been committed.
My wife left the house with the kids to go live with her mother. She wanted me to
come with her but I said no. I thought our marriage was doing ok. I don’t think what she is doing is right. What can I do in this situation to get my family back together?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 10/15/11
I don’t have all the information to give a solid answer to this question. However, if I were to read between the lines—you are contacting a ministry which deals with sexual sin and your wife has left you—I would guess that you have been involved in sexual sin.
If that is the case, then it is more understandable why she would only be willing to live with you under those circumstances. Perhaps she feels that living with you gives you too much control over the relationship.
Your comment, “I thought our marriage was doing ok” is very typical thinking for us men. I, too, was oblivious to our marital problems when I was in my sin. The husband is often the last one to know that the wife has reached the end of her rope.
If you are in sexual sin, I would suggest you take whatever steps you need to take to get the victory. Perhaps you and your wife would consider the Pure Life Ministries Overcomers-At-Home program. It helps the man find the freedom he needs and also helps the couple deal with all the marital problems that are inevitably involved. If you show your wife that you mean business, my guess is that she will be willing to work with you through this process.
I am a missionary who has fallen into homosexual sin. Do you know of any place to go to be restored?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 10/15/11
Absolutely—Pure Life Ministries! We have been ministering to homosexuals for 20 years now. In fact, most of our male counselors come out of that lifestyle.
From the beginning, we have treated homosexual behavior as simply another form of habitual sexual sin. True, homosexuals face specific issues that heterosexual addicts do not encounter, i.e. same sex attractions, etc. However, I believe making these secondary concerns the main focus is a grave mistake.
The larger and more important issue to address is one’s relationship to God. If homosexuality is sin, then the first thing that must happen is true repentance. It is amazing what happens when a man is truly broken over his sin. His entire countenance changes, his desires become different, and his heart becomes softened.
Once that happens, then he must learn to walk out his new freedom. Paul said that if believers will walk in the Spirit they will not cave in to the temptations that come their way. (Galatians 5:16) I have never met a man in sexual sin who was walking in the Spirit. This is a much deeper life in God than most men realize is available.
Why are men encountering God in a powerful way at Pure Life? Because the staff spends many hours every week in prayer. When a man comes to the PLM live-in program, he is entering a place that has been saturated in prayer. There is a wonderful spiritual atmosphere which is conducive to men finding victory in the power of God.
When a man has an encounter with God, mountains tend to become molehills. Problems that seemed insurmountable suddenly seem manageable. Emotions that once raged out of control become quieted. Addictions lose their power. Life takes on a whole new look. This is what happens for men at Pure Life Ministries on a regular basis.