I know that men's struggle with sexual lust is their own sin, but as Christian women
what is God's standard of modesty? What does God consider "respectable apparel"? (How short is too short - for dress or shorts?)
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 6/17/13
The Bible has much to say on what God considers “respectable apparel,” and it is certainly contrary to the world’s message. What I have seen over the years in counseling and in speaking to women is that a Christian woman often conforms her outward dress to the fashions of this world not realizing that she has become a stumbling block to the opposite or same sex.
In 1 Peter 3:3-4 we read, “Do not let your adornment be merely outward--arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” Likewise we read in 1 Timothy 2:9-10 “…that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, but, which is proper for women professing godliness…” In other words, God doesn’t want us to be so consumed with our outward appearance. Rather, He desires that we concentrate on the inner beauty of the heart which is more precious to God. The world tells us the opposite.
In 1 Thessalonians 4:4-6 God instructions is, “that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such.” The Greek definition for this word defraud is to get an advantage of, coveting or to make a gain for self. In light of this scripture, the question to ask is, “if I wear this outfit am I honoring God with my body? Or is my motive to bring attention to myself failing to consider how I dishonor Him?”
May “I admonish you by the mercies of God, that you present your body as a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:1, 2)
In closing, God tells us in Romans 13:13, “let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” If you are honest with yourself, and allow God’s Word to be your standard for living, I believe you will know, “how short is too short - for dress or shorts?”
When I am with my husband and he desires anything other than "straight sex," I
become very nervous, upset and pull away. I want to please him, but I fear his desire comes from impurity and I would be feeding the evil. What should I do?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 5/29/13
According to Proverbs 5:15-20, God designed sexual intimacy between a husband and his wife to be satisfying, pleasurable and exhilarating. As we selflessly give of ourselves in this way, we are demonstrating the greatest act of love between a husband and wife provided both are of the same mindset.
The fact that you become “nervous, upset and pull away” raises a red flag. I understand that you want to please your husband, but you mentioned “you fear his desire comes from impurity and you would be feeding the evil.” Based on this statement, it appears that you are aware that he has or is involved in sexual sin. If this is indeed true, then anything out of the ordinary with your husband could be a dangerous stumbling block for him.
Many times a man who has been involved in sexual sin will want his wife to act out what he has seen in a porn movie or has experienced with others. A pattern that I have seen with the wife is; that she will give in to his lustful demands in order to appease her husband despite a sense in her spirit that something is terribly wrong.
What I would recommend is that you make a list of all the things your husband asks or demands of you that make you uncomfortable in your marriage bed. Once the list is complete, prayerfully asks the Lord if each has the potential to encourage his wrong perspectives of sexuality or if each is something that would be blessing to your husband and glorifying to the Lord?
I believe if you approach this situation in this way with an honest heart, God will show you. I would encourage you to read more about this topic in article, Right and Wrong in the Marriage Bed.
I've been married over 20 years and have 4 children. I've been unfaithful multiple
times. I hate myself. My husband only knows of one instance of infidelity. Should I
tell him everything, and possibly lose my children/marriage/life in the process?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 5/14/13
As I read your question, I am reminded of David when he sinned with Bathsheba. David thought he could hide what he did from God and others but God loved him too much to allow him to continue on in his deception. It was a tremendous mercy from the Lord to allow Nathan to come into David life to expose what he was trying to hide in secret. (2 Samuel 12:1-25) The lesson we can learn from his life story is even though we may try to hide our sins from others, God still sees all we have done and eventually will bring it into the light even if you do not.
What we also learn from David’s example in Psalm 51 is he was a broken man over what he had done. David at this point didn’t care about his honor or his kingdom being totally destroyed or taken from him. He was willing to lose everything he had except one thing. That one thing was that God would not cast him away from His presence nor take His Holy Spirit from him.
What a picture of a man who, although he totally blew it, had a heart that desired to please God in the midst of it by confessing and repenting to the core. He took full responsibility for what he had done and how He broke the heart of God. Proverbs 28:13 tells us “He who covers his sins will not prosper but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” David found this to be true in his own life and in his relationship with God.
Based on this biblical example that we are called to learn from (Romans 15:4), you should come clean with your spouse knowing it will please the Lord. However, I would advise you to go to your spiritual leaders first (Pastor, Pastor’s wife) to let them know about your situation. Ask them if they would be willing to be present as you confess, possibly in their office, so that they can walk you both through the process of restoration and healing. As you do, may the Lord restore unto you the joy of His salvation and pour out His mercies upon you as He did with David.
I was sexually abused when I was younger and now find myself not so interested in
sex. I’m more interested in talking to and meeting men online. I recently met a man online and we’ve been dating. He’s asking me to do things I’m not comfortable with, yet I find it hard to say no. I want to live right. Please help
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 4/8/13
Let me begin by saying, I am sorry to hear about what happened to you when you were younger. It is tragic when sexual abuse strikes a child at any age. The effects from any sexual violation to a minor does leave a twisted and perverted view of what God intended to be so holy and pure between a man and his wife.
The reason you are uncomfortable with acquiescing to your boyfriend’s wishes is because God has created you with a conscience to know what is right and pleasing in His eyes and what is wrong. Jesus said the Holy Spirit “will convict the world (our hearts) of sin, of righteousness and of judgment.” (John 16:8) I also am not surprised that you are finding it hard to say no to your friend because there is pleasure in sin; however it is only for a season.
It sounds like you sincerely desire to do the right thing. If that is so, I would encourage you to do these three things. First, you must repent and break off this relationship immediately knowing that God has created you for His will and His good pleasure. (Philippians 2:13) Secondly, if you truly want to be kept and to walk godly in this present age, you must confess to your spiritual leaders what has been going on. It is very important to bring this into the light so the enemy doesn’t have a stronghold in your heart. Lastly, while the western Christian world has embraced on line dating, Jesus said, “If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than you’re your whole body to be cast into hell and if your right hand causes you to sin…do the same. (Matthew 5:29-30) Radical amputation is necessary in this situation in order for God to keep you in the midst of this evil and crooked generation. In your case, this sort of on line activity must stop right away.
Let me conclude by saying, all of these things should be motivated out of your love for Christ. When Christ is your first love, you will desire to keep yourself pure for the One who died to cleanse you from all unrighteousness. (1 John1:9) May your heart overflow with gratitude that He is your Good Shepherd and the Overseer of your Soul. (1 Peter 2:25)
I am a pastor who found out my husband has been looking at gay porn and talking
with other men. I had to have him leave. I have prayed and interceded on his behalf during our separation. How can I deal with this deep hurt? How can I understand this?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 3/12/13
First of all, you need to understand that his choices have nothing whatsoever to do with you as a woman. I am sure that if you would delve deep enough you would find that he has always struggled with this sin.
You have a double whammy because you are both a pastor and a wife. The task of managing this on both fronts is daunting, to say the least. Many times, the deep sorrow and grief that we experience is God’s way of doing a much deeper work within us than we can even imagine.
We ask the Lord, to deal with us, dig deeper, make us more effective in His work. “Lord, use my life,” we plead. But, God’s answers to those prayers are never quite what we are expecting. When God’s process of taking us deeper begins, our first reaction is to blame the devil because we can’t imagine that the Lord would answer like this.
The Father has much to say to us when we are at our lowest. Often that is when He speaks to our spirits most deeply.
Who can understand why a man would choose any sexual sin? Who can understand why a man would become so self-consumed that he would do this not only to his wife but to an entire congregation? I don’t know if you will ever fully understand. Besides that, I am not so sure that understanding will even help you. I believe that the way to deal with this deep hurt is to turn your eyes on Jesus. Do not linger too long over the “whys”. I don’t think anyone can really understand it apart from the fact that we all have a fallen nature and without the Lord at the very center of our lives we are all capable of unspeakable evil.
Jesus knows what to do with that deep pain in your heart. I pray that in the days ahead you will experience the incomprehensible peace of God and true rest for your mind and soul as you sit at the feet of Jesus.
I’ve been dating a Christian man who told me early in our relationship that he has
sexual addictions. I caught him snapping an inappropriate photo of my daughter, and I plan on ending our relationship. I divorced my husband 3 years ago due to unrepentant sexual addictions. What is wrong with me that I attract these sorts of unhealthy men?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 1/29/13
I am glad to hear that you are going to cut off this relationship with this man who is taking inappropriate pictures of your daughter. That is a very wise decision on your part. I applaud you for putting the Lord and your daughter before this relationship.
As far as why do you continue to attract these sorts of unhealthy men is a good question to ponder. Statistics tell us that at least 50% of Christian men are struggling with some form of sexual sin, half the men in the church professing to be followers of Christ. For all we know that number may be a lot higher since sexual sin is usually very secretive by nature.
Jeremiah said of the heart, “That it is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it?” (Jer. 17:9) In verse 10, he states, “the Lord, searches the heart and test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings.” I believe that description says a lot about the men that have come into your life, but also what is wrong with your heart.
Many times, women can make a habit of being drawn into relationships with someone who “worships” something about them. Indeed, this can be a powerful attraction to the flesh. At some point in the relationship, these women find out that this kind of man worships many, many women.
What is your answer then? Finding contentment in Christ and Christ alone just like the woman at the well in John 4. May Jesus satisfy every longing desire of your heart. May you drink deeply of the water of life He so longs to give to you as you turn to Him and allow Him be your all in all. And allow Him to direct your paths.
I accidentally caught my dad watching pornography, and he doesn’t know I saw him.
He claims to be a Christian, but I worry about how rooted he really is. I worry about my two younger brothers’ curiosity and that they too might become shackled by lust. Do you have any advice?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 12/19/12
How heartbreaking it must be to find your dad, who professes to be a follower of Christ, viewing pornography. How often we see and counsel many once-sincere Christians fall prey to the wiles of the enemy. I’m sure it must be a shock and a disappointment for you. I also understand your concern for your younger brothers and the potential access they have to pornography in your home.
What I would recommend is that you speak with your mom about your dad. It could be that she is very aware of your father’s problem with pornography? If this comes as a surprise to her then it would be good for your mom to know what has happened and your concern for you brothers. If your father does not receive what your mother is sharing with him then it would be good to get your pastor involved in some way (Matthew 18:15-17).
If your father is defensive and denies that anything has happened, it would be wise for your mom to insist on put a password on for the TV and a filter for the computer that will allow her to monitor and control the family’s usage of these things. An extra precaution for your brothers (and dad) would be not to allow them to have TV or internet access in their bedrooms.
These are just some outward things that can be done to safeguard your home from the influences of the world and the enemy, who Jesus said “comes to steal, kill and destroy.” Pray that your dad receives correction from your mom and a pastor or counselor from your church. May the Lord be with you and give you the much needed grace to deal with situation.
My husband has been in sexual sin for over 30 years of our marriage. He’s been in
support groups for almost 10 years now, yet remains unaccountable to me or any individual man. We’ve lost emotional and spiritual intimacy, and I want to be supporting of him, but he shows no fruit of true repentance. Would separation be warranted at this time?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 11/13/12
Proverbs 13:12 states “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.” Thirty years of waiting to see genuine fruits of repentance in a spouse can become very discouraging. Although he is going through the outward motions of attending a support group, the lack of openness or accountability to another person causes one to wonder how much access he is giving to God in his heart.
We read in 1 John 1:7, “…if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.” One of the fruits of repentance you should see in his life is a willingness to be in the light with you and others about his struggle. My concern is for 10 years he has been attending a support group and continues to remain in the dark with you.
Whether or not a separation would be warranted at this time is a question that is difficult to answer. I say this because I do not know the extent of your husband’s sin or if your pastors have implemented biblical discipline. (Matthew 18:15-17)
There are times when a separation is beneficial in the hopes that the spouse will see the seriousness of his sin and come to genuine repentance. (1 Corinthians 5:1-13) If a husband is in ongoing habitual sin and is totally unrepentant, a separation could help him to see there are consequences to the life he is choosing.
Once a separation has occurred, the fruit to be looking for can be found in Psalm 51. David was willing to take full responsibility for his sin. He was a broken man before God and willing to accept the consequences of his sinful actions.
Contact your spiritual leader(s) to let them know about your present situation with your husband. May the Lord give you wisdom and clarity as to the steps you are to take next.
I have been dating a man in the church for two years. We recently fell into sexual sin.
We both have repented and stopped the act. We continue to date, but he has no talk of marriage. Also, his ex-wife and daughter attend the same church and I wonder if he still may want a relationship with her, even though he denies it. Should I publically confess my sin to the pastor or stop seeing this man?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 10/17/12
Many times, when sexual sin has entered into a relationship, it is difficult to trust one’s emotions. That is why it is always wise to get a spiritual leader involved in order to know what God’s will is for your life. Proverbs 28:13 tells us, “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” Although it can be humiliating discussing this issue with him, he is your spiritual leader and you both need his prayer covering and counsel during this time in your lives.
Another factor surrounding this situation is the fact that this gentleman’s ex-wife and daughter still attend the same church which makes this a very delicate situation. Your pastor may have known this gentleman and his ex-wife before you began to date him which is another reason to bring him into the picture.
Also, your question on the issue of marriage is one of concern too. The fact that this man hasn’t brought this topic up to you at this time in your relationship reveals that marriage is not on his radar. Discuss this also with your pastor and be in prayer as to whether God would desire you to continue on in this relationship or possibly end it.
In Hebrews 13:17, Paul wrote “Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.” It sounds like you are willing to do the right thing even if your pastor recommends that you stop seeing this man. I trust the Lord will direct your steps as you submit yourself under his leadership. May the Lord bless you.
How do I keep from having sexual thoughts about my husband’s friend? I have tried
reading the Bible and praying but the thoughts and feelings seem to be getting worse. I am too embarrassed to talk to my counselor or pastor about the situation. Please help.
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 9/11/12
My heart goes out to you in your struggle against your thinking. It can be so exhausting and discouraging when you are pressing into the Lord only to find that the thoughts are still there or even getting worse. Not to mention the feelings of shame that comes with them.
Inappropriate thoughts are an indicator that something is wrong in your heart. Jesus addressed this issue in Mark 7:20,21 when He said, “what comes out of a man defiles a man, for from within, out of the heart of men proceed evil thoughts, adulteries and fornication…” John Piper once said, “Sin is what we do when we are not satisfied in God.”
What I have seen over the years of counseling, overcoming sinful thoughts happens as we come into a greater intimacy with Jesus rather than for the forbidden or the unknown. If you were to walks in a first love devotion in your heart and mind to Jesus, that passion will enable you to crucify forbidden thoughts as soon as they come into your mind. Entertaining sinful thoughts is not an option because sinning against the Lover of Your Soul in that way is unthinkable. You will want to keep yourself pure in your thinking for Him.
In doing so, you will be willing to cut off anything that might be feeding your sexual fantasies. You will also be willing to confess your struggle to a counselor or spiritual leader so they can pray for you as struggles arise and hold you accountable.
By your question, I believe you are sincere about getting help. Don’t lose heart; keep persevering in your battle against sin. Jesus has overcome and so can you. May the Lord help you in your striving against sin.
My Christian husband has recently admitted to looking at internet porn, including
images of men. Is my husband a closet homosexual? I have been a stay-at-home wife and mother for almost 30 years. My gut is telling me to run, but I want to do what God would have me do. What should I do?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 8/10/12
I‘m sure it has been heart wrenching to hear your husband’s confession about viewing internet porn and images of men. Many times when a man opens himself up to pornography, the door to other forms of perverted sex opens up as well. I cannot say that your husband is a closet homosexual; only he can answer that question for you.
We have had men who have come into our program who have viewed images of men out of curiosity only. We have also had men who have continue to give over to these images and later find themselves experimenting with same sex sexual relationships.
Of great importance now is that your husband is getting his sin out into the open which tells me he is looking for help. While I can understand how everything in you desires to run, I sense sincerity in your wanting to know what God would have you to do at this point.
Jesus said, in Luke 4:18…He was sent to heal the brokenhearted and to proclaim liberty to the captives…Know that it is God’s desire to draw you through all of this and to bring forth a healing in your heart that only He could give.
For your husband, God desires to set him free from this terrible sin. Many men have found tremendous victories through our programs. I would encourage you both to strongly consider one of our programs so God can begin the process of healing and liberation in your hearts.
My husband and I have been married over 20 years and he has been in and out of
sexual sin. It’s been a very difficult road. I try to be there for him and to not accuse him, but when the subject comes up, he just shuts down. He says he prays for help but knows he’s going to hell. Unfortunately, he won’t do anything to change his behavior. What should I do?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 7/18/12
My heart goes out to both you and your husband as I read your question. How difficult it is to have a pure heart in the midst of this sexualized culture that we live in. It sounds like your husband may be so beaten down by his failures, at this point, that he has given up all hope of ever being set free.
You asked, “What should I do?” That seems to be a common question from wives who have been dealing with a husband in sexual sin for any amount of time. The first line of defense is always prayer. If your spouse has given up hope, it may take a divine encounter to turn him to Jesus. In addition, if you haven’t done so already, contact your spiritual leader(s) to let him know what has been going on with you and your husband. If your pastor does not know about Pure Life Ministries and the help we offer to men that can’t seem to break free on their own I suggest that you refer him to our website where he can learn about our ministry. Suggest that he access the Unchained Stories to hear about the work God does in the hearts of men and their wives that get involved in our programs. I would admonish you to watch some of these stories yourself so that you can encourage your husband through these real life testimonies.
Over the past 18 years I have watched God set men free from all kinds of sexual bondage that they never thought they could be freed from. The power of the Cross, in the lives of these men who have embraced it, brings them into a new level of intimacy with Christ that enables them to be free from the power of lust both inside and out.
May you continue to fight the good fight of faith as you continue to stand in the gap for your husband.
I’m engaged to a man who struggles with sexual sin. He gives into his sin a few
times a year, and then is honest with me about it. I realized that it would not be wise for me to marry him until this is resolved. What should I do?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 6/12/12
You are absolutely right in saying, “it would not be wise for you to marry your fiancé until this issue is resolved.” There have been many times in counseling when I have heard from a wife that she knew her husband had a problem in this area before they got married. But, she married him anyway thinking the problem would go away. Sometimes the men have believed “well, if I just get married that will take care of my lust issue” only to find that, not only did it not take away his lust issue, but now he has drug his wife and children into his mess.
I recommend that he get biblical counseling help for his problem. We offer a 12-week phone counseling program or our 7-10 month residential program if you find out his problem is more than “a few times a year.” You should also let your spiritual leaders know what is going on and that you are going to put all plans for marriage on hold until your fiancé gets help.
The root of his problem can only be solved through a deeper relationship with the Lord. During the time that he is getting help you should seriously consider praying, fasting and seeking mature godly counsel to see if this is the man God truly has for your future.
After he has completed biblical counseling, should you both still have a sense that God desires for you to be married, you should plan your wedding no less than one year or more to see if he is bearing fruits of his repentance. One telltale sign that he desires to live a pure life is that he will continue to walk in the light with you and be willing to humbly submit to your spiritual leaders’ authority.
My daughter is involved in the sex industry and has two kids. Her husband, who was
heavy into porn, died a couple of years ago, and now her life is getting worse. When I try to say something to her, she laughs it off. Should I confront her? If so, how do I go about doing it?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 5/15/12
It must be very painful to watch a loved one throw her life away like that.
The book of Proverbs describes words both as a slashing sword and as a fountain of life. Everything depends upon the spirit that one is in who uses them. It doesn’t sound like your daughter is making any pretense about being a Christian, so confrontation would be unwelcome and, I suspect, unfruitful.
I would like to encourage you stress prayer as your first order of business. Pray, pray and keep praying! I would also encourage you to fast one day a week. My husband and I often fast dinner to dinner, which means we are actually only missing two meals. It’s something we can do in the midst of our busy schedules without pushing ourselves to the point of getting sick. I can testify that fasting brings power to prayer!
After you have spent several weeks in earnest prayer, it is very possible that one day you will find that the Lord will give you the opportunity to speak from your heart to your daughter. You will probably find yourself tearfully pleading with her to give her heart to Jesus. One encounter like that would be more effective than a hundred confrontations.
Continue pouring out your heart to Jesus. The effective fervent prayer of a righteous mom availeth much.
My husband is deep into sexual sin. We’ve only been married for one year, and he
has left me multiple times to be with other women. He recently moved in with his
mother, who doesn’t care if he is in sin. He has filed for divorce, and I am desperate to understand that this is not about me. Please help.
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 3/30/12
My heart aches for you, dear one. I can truly empathize with what you are experiencing at this moment. It is so hard for a wife to understand why her husband would chose to pursue a life of sexual sin and feel like she is not measuring up to his expectations. After all, our culture is constantly conveying to us the message that our value comes from our physical appearance and our sexual performance.
The question you asked is a valid question. Many times when a woman comes to us for help they learn that their husband’s sin is not about them. We see that in Mark 7: 21, Jesus said “For from within, out of the heart of men proceed evil thoughts, adulteries and fornication…” According to Jesus, your husband’s sexual sin reveals there is a problem in his heart. He has chosen to be drawn away by his own evil desires, and, when those desires have conceived, they give birth to sin. Sin, when it is full grown, brings forth death according to James 1:14. We see the truth of that biblical principle in the lives of Adam and Eve when they sinned in Genesis 2:16, 17.
Your husband desperately needs to see his need for God to purify his heart and renew a right spirit within him. He needs to come to the place where David was when he cried out in Psalm 51. I would encourage you to pray for his soul in this way which is in danger of hell fire. (Matthew 5:27, 30)
The Bible says your husband’s sin issue is between him and God. Once you discover and come to grips with this truth, you will experience the freedom you long for.
The man I am dating recently told me he told me he spent five years in porn, but that
he has no desire to go back. He says he only struggles with images if he brings them up in his mind. He wants to marry me, but I don’t want to marry someone involved in pornography. Should I trust that he is not going to go back?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 3/16/12
It is always positive when a man is honest and in the light about his past involvement in sexual sin or his struggles. Your friend seems to be honest and sincere. When a man chooses to disclose his sinful activity it is typical to ask, “Well how do I know he won’t do this again?” Unfortunately, it is hard to know whether or not he will go back to his sin. Once a man has opened himself to pornographic images those images are very powerful and tend to stay in his conscience for some time.
However, if a man is truly repentant and does not desire to go back, God can and will help him to walk in purity. As he chooses to put off those images by immersing and renewing his mind with the Word of God, the Holy Spirit can bring healing and deliverance to that man. That is not to say that he will not be tempted. But, when temptation comes knocking, God will make a way of escape for him if he sincerely desires a way out (1 Corinthians 10:13). If any of us truly want to be kept, the Lord is faithful to do so.
In regards to whether or not you should marry him, only the Lord can answer that question. I would encourage you to continue to seek the Lord in prayer regarding this situation. It would be beneficial to you to speak to your pastor about your current relationship in order to continue to receive ongoing counsel. May the Lord guide you as you continue to seek His face concerning this relationship.
Is it ever appropriate for a wife to hire a detective to verify the truthfulness of her
husband? If not, why? If so, when and what guidelines would you offer?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 3/1/12
Since we offer biblical counseling at Pure Life Ministries, we do not counsel a wife to hire a private detective to verify whether or not a husband is telling her the truth. In Numbers 32:23, we see Moses telling the children of Israel “...take note…and be sure your sin will find you out.”
How many times do we see in the Scriptures that God is faithful and true to keep His promises? In Genesis 3, God mercifully came to Adam and Eve exposing their sin, as well as their son Cain when he killed his brother Abel. Cain thought he could get away with his sin, but God mercifully exposed what he had done (Genesis 4). In Genesis 31:19-32, Rachel stole the household idols that were in her father’s house and tried to hide them, but God knew what she had done.
I cannot tell you how many times the counseling department has seen this in the lives of the men who come to us for help. Occasionally, things that have been hidden in secret come out into the light even after the men have completed the program.
Psalm 118:8,9 states, “It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in princes.” Since we have a God so intimately acquainted with all of our ways (Psalm 139), it is better to put our trust in Him. You can trust Him to expose the darkness, the lies, or any sin that your spouse may be trying to hide from you. He may not do it right away, but He will in His perfect timing. He has a history of doing so from the beginning of creation and will continue to until the end of time.
My boyfriend isn’t a Christian, and watches pornography pretty often. I don’t agree
with this, but don’t know how to explain it to him so he can understand. Also, I was wondering, is masturbation okay if you do it without pornography? Isn’t it necessary and healthy for guys?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 1/18/12
The Apostle Paul questioned the church in Corinth, when he found out they were unequally yoked with unbelievers. In
1 Corinthians 6:14-15 he said to them, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?”
As I read your question, I wonder why you are dating someone who is not a Christian if you are one. Especially since you do not agree with what he is doing? I sense the Holy Spirit may be dealing with your heart since Jesus told us in John 16:8, “when He has come, He will convict the world of sin, and of righteousness and of judgment.”
I know that this is a hard pill to swallow but I would sincerely admonish you to examine your heart to see if you are indeed in the faith. A true follower of Christ would be obeying and living out the Words of Jesus in their life. They also would be walking in the fear of the Lord which will cause them to depart from all forms of evil.
Viewing pornography and masturbation are sin according to God’s Word (see Matthew 5:28, 29; 1 Corinthians 7:3, 4). The world and unfortunately false teachers who teach false doctrines have subtly crept into the church and they teach the opposite. These teachings are very dangerous because they have the potential to damn a person’s soul into hell if they do not repent.
(1 Corinthians 6:9, 10; Galatians 5:19-21; Revelation 21:8)
We care about the condition of your soul and are willing to speak this truth to you in love so that you can get your relationship with Christ were He wants it to be. He has so much more for you than what you are settling for in this relationship with this boyfriend. But you will never come into what He has until you are ready to forsake all to follow Him in the way He calls His true disciples to follow. He loves you and wants you to know His love.
My husband has access to anything on his phone and I've found plenty of bad sites
in his search history. But, after A LOT of help from your books and Cds, he's changing. I'm having a lot of difficulty trusting him. He’s usually honest with me about his struggles, but I still worry. What should I do?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 12/13/11
It sounds like your husband is really sincere about coming out of his sin based on the fruit you are seeing in his life. Sometimes it can be difficult for the wife to not feel insecure or worry about the past repeating itself especially if her focus has been on his sin and failures.
One of the things I had to do when my husband was coming out of his sin was get my focus off of the sin issue and get them onto who God is. As I began meditating on and believing what God says about Himself in His Word, I started to have peace in my heart and mind where there once was struggle.
A specific scripture that brought me great comfort was Psalm 139. We read in this Psalm that God is acquainted with all our ways which includes our sitting down, our rising up, our thoughts, our paths…everything about us. What became so real to me is if God knows everything about my husband, what he is doing and where he has been. I don’t have to sit around being worried and anxious about it. As the Psalmist wrote, “where can (he) go from His Spirit? Or where can (he) flee from His presence?” As this truth started becoming a reality in my own life, I began to experience God’s peace and security like never before in my marriage.
When you are feeling insecure or worried about your husband, you can turn that into an opportunity to pray, in faith, for your husband for God to keep him. The Apostle Paul said, “He who has begun a good work (in your husband) will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Allow your mind to dwell on the things that are true about God and His Promises. As you do this, you will begin to experience His peace which surpasses all understanding.
I realize it takes time to forgive your husband, but I am still struggling, what can I do?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 10/15/11
Forgiveness means to cancel a debt: to give up the desire to punish the person. It is an act of the will. You can, in your heart, release a person from the penalty of his sin now. When you have truly forgiven a person you do not dwell on the past or throw it in his face. Remember that the heart of the Lord is mercy and He wants to give you His heart. The act of the will can take place now and yet the feelings of it will usually follow along later.
But I have a feeling that it isn’t so much unforgiveness you are dealing with as much as it is trust. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between a lack of forgiveness and a lack of trust. Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean you should automatically trust him. The fact is that your husband has destroyed your trust. It is his responsibility to rebuild it. It is right that you question your husband’s faithfulness. Men often want to quickly move on from feeling the weight of what they have done. Sometimes that attitude only exacerbates the problem. In fact, maybe he has said to you, “If you have forgiven me why do you question me?” You both need to understand that a new line of communication must open between the two of you. My husband and I established a very open and honest communication with each other that helped to rebuild the trust that he had shattered.
If it seems that he has sincerely repented, do everything you can to encourage and support him. Commit yourself to do your best not to dwell on what has happened in the past. Ask the Lord to mend your broken heart and to help you to completely release him. If he is sincere, you will find that your trust for him will return.
My husband is impotent and while on a recent business trip, I had a sexual encounter with another man, who was also impotent! I am truly repentant, but can’t tell my husband. He would leave me and I can’t handle that. Do you know any scriptures that I can pray through that would help me?
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 10/15/11
Don’t you find it interesting that the very thing that brought you such frustration that you would be willing to commit adultery would happen to the man you were with? I suspect that you will find nothing but more frustration if you give over to sexual sin again.
You say that you are truly repentant but I must admit that your statements don’t have the ring of sincerity. When a person is truly repentant, there is nothing he or she wouldn’t do to make things right. True repentance is never easy. Sin costs something. Escaping the consequences for our sinful actions is not the path of the truly repentant. Adultery is devastating. Can there be true restoration when there is hidden sin?
You want to know if there are any verses you can pray over that will help you. But my guess is that until you get serious with God about your sin, the Bible will be lifeless to you. Even the Word of God cannot penetrate the heart that is hardened by sin and the refusal to repent. (Luke 8:13)
My husband of 3 years is not what I expected him to be. He used to go to church and
we were going the same direction. He does not contribute to the family finances; I
feel like I don’t know him. I am not happy and need help.
Posted by Pure Life Ministries Counselor on 10/15/11
I once heard a godly woman say, “If you don’t expect anything you won’t be disappointed.” I don’t think she meant that we should not have expectations; rather I think the context was having our expectations too high. Is it too much to ask a husband to contribute to the finances? Is it too much to ask a husband to go to church on Sundays? Probably not, but I think the deeper issue here is you are not happy because your expectations about him are not being fulfilled. That is not a good place to be. The world’s answer to such a situation is to simply divorce and try to find someone more to your liking.
It’s obvious by the tone of your letter that something isn’t right in your heart. I didn’t hear any real sense of concern about his walk with God or his desires and needs. It all seems to revolve around your expectations and how you feel.
I have known many godly women who were married to men much worse than your husband; the most obvious difference was that these women had a deep sense of joy in spite of their bad marriages. The reason they could be happy in difficult circumstances was because they had learned the secret of finding their happiness in God. When they looked at their husbands, they saw men in desperate trouble; you see someone who disappoints you. They were willing to fight for their husbands through prayer; you seem to be looking for him to conform his life to your desires.
I was talking with a woman the other day who had asked my advice about problems she and her husband were encountering in their marriage. She made a statement that I think you should really consider: “Things are difficult and he hasn’t always treated me very well, but there is nothing he can do to drive me away.” That’s the kind of love that will get you through. Remember the words of Jesus: “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”