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Friday, September 14, 2007 by Kathy Gallagher
WHEN IS IT SAFE TO TRUST AGAIN?
One of the major themes I constantly run into as I speak at women’s events is the issue of trust. How is a wife, whose world has been rocked by the unfaithfulness of her husband, ever to put her heart on the line again?
The first thing I would say is that trust is earned, not automatically granted. A husband who has been involved in pornography or worse, adultery, must prove his faithfulness. Many husbands feel that once they have repented that the wife should instantly move on and never bring the issue up again. This kind of callous attitude will leave her feeling as if things are very unresolved. In many cases the wife is still trying to understand what happened. Her level of fear that he will fall again remains very strong. The husband may have had a wonderful breakthrough and is well on his way to victory, but rebuilding trust takes time. Husbands need to understand that the wife can’t just flip a switch and suddenly be able to trust again—especially when there is no evidence that anything is different. They need to understand that their words are meaningless. We must see visible signs of a transformed heart.
It took me a few years of watching Steve grow and mature spiritually before I was confident that he would not go back to his sin. We both grew in stages. As I saw progress in his life, my trust grew. Every time I saw him do the right thing in a hard situation my trust grew. As I saw his countenance soften… As I saw him treat me with more kindness… As I saw him press into God, my trust grew.
Trusting someone who has hurt you requires three things: time, proof of faithfulness, and your willingness to believe the best about him. It is one thing to lack trust because the husband hasn’t given you any reason to believe he is different; it is a completely different thing to hold back your trust when he has obviously changed.
Many women retreat into their own self-centered world because they fear being hurt again more than anything else. But I want to say that there is something worse than being hurt: allowing oneself to grow bitter. C.S. Lewis said:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
My heart goes out to those women who have been terribly hurt by unfaithful husbands. Yet, I know from much experience that if you are a child of God, He will give you all the grace you need to go through whatever comes your way. Trust God to help you and I promise He will.
Posted on Fri., Sep. 14, 2007 - Permalink | RSS
Friday, September 14, 2007 by Kathy Gallagher
A WIFE'S CALLING: THE BIGGER PICTURE
The longer I am married and the more I help other women, the more I believe that our greatest calling as married women is to our husbands. Even having a husband who is disobedient to the Lord does not exempt us from this calling – it just changes the way we support them.
It could be said that marriage is a ministry or even a mission field. For instance, look at the life of Elizabeth Elliott. I’m sure she was not prepared for the innumerable hardships of life in Ecuador. Reading books and stories of others who have gone out on the mission field can be a help, but nothing can really prepare the person for what life is like when on the mission field. There was no way Elizabeth Elliott could have foreseen what would happen to her husband. Others have lost children, homes, spouses and health. If a godly person was called to minister in China or Africa and the natives rejected his message, he would never think in terms of abandoning his mission field. He would stay because God had put in his heart a great love for the people; a love that actually superseded the love for his own life.
A wife’s calling is just as real. It too can be fraught with anxiety, hardship and loss. Nevertheless, it is a calling and it is what God has allowed.
Everything has a purpose for the child of God. Nothing is incidental or accidental; nothing comes to you that has not first passed through very loving hands.
There is something more precious to God than our temporal happiness: our holiness. I believe that this life is a proving ground and He uses everything in preparation for our eternal life with Him. It may hard to imagine what good or eternal benefit could possibly come from the mess of a bad marriage, but I know that nothing is wasted with God. He uses everything: our suffering, our tears, even the seeming futility of what we have to go through.
I remember when my marriage with Steve seemed to hang by a thread. There were times of unrelenting depression and fear. It was difficult to see any purpose in what I was going through. I see things differently now. Yes, a ministry was birthed out of what we went through; but more than that, God used it to transform both of us from the inside out. The work He did within us will last an eternity. It was more than worth it!
There really is a bigger picture isn’t there?
Posted on Fri., Sep. 14, 2007 - Permalink | RSS
Thursday, August 30, 2007 by Kathy Gallagher
A GODLY MAN COMMENTS ON MODESTY
The following letter was written by a young man who was asked by a one of our Staff people to comment on how he is affected by the way some women dress. I was so moved by this letter because I think of all the godly young men out there who do want to do the right thing but are constantly bombarded by the flesh of women, even in the church.
Dear Sisters in Christ,
Up until I was 26, I shamelessly indulged in lust while I outwardly paraded myself around as an upstanding Christian man. But today, because of the blood of Jesus and deep repentance, I am able to say that I am no longer that man. And the work of God’s grace has not only taught me to deny the ungodliness of lustful thoughts, but to go one step further and truly seek to honor you as sisters in my thoughts.
I wish I could write to you and tell you I am able to walk into church without any fear of encountering the temptation to lust anymore; but I can’t. In fact, to be honest, in the past 8 years I’ve even decided not to go to church on more than one occasion because I knew I was too weak to face some of the women there.
As I type I can still remember a few times when I actually had to turn around and get on my knees during some of the worship services because I didn’t want to be more captivated with some of the girls on the worship team than with God. There have also been plenty of other times when I had to purposely look at the floor as I walked through the foyer in order to avoid the same thing. Did I not desire to put the ugliness of my past behind me, I would not go to such lengths. But honoring you and my God now means more to me than my own self-indulgence.
Therefore, I hope that what I am about to share will help those of you who dress without any consideration for these things.
You are beautiful; yes. That much I can see without you doing anything to convince me. But please do not entice me to notice you. Is it not enough that God endowed you with the beauty you possess? And that He has made you a gift to your present or future husband? Please help me to rejoice with him rather than tempt me to steal from him.
I understand that the fashion world is becoming more and more revealing, and that it’s increasingly difficult to find attractive clothing that’s modest. But have you considered my weakness as you look at yourself in the dressing room mirror? If you only knew how often the immodest outfits you wear accost me, perhaps you would see yourself differently.
“But you’re responsible for your thoughts, not me,” you might think. Yes, you are right. I must stand before God and own every one of them someday. And were you a woman of the world I would have no grounds on which to make my appeal. But you name the Name of Christ, as I do. And you call me your brother.
My desire is to honor you; yet there are times that you dress as if you wish I wouldn’t. I implore you; please consider these things. I have spoken openly and honestly. But I have endeavored to do so in love, not in criticism.
In loving sincerity,
Your brother in Christ
Did this letter provoke you to think about how you dress or maybe get you to think about your motivation for why you dress the way you do?
Posted on Thu., Aug. 30, 2007 - Permalink | RSS
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