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Nothing is Too Difficult

By: Miranda Gaynes

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Although my husband—a successful worship leader—regularly stared at women in public and kept me at arm’s length emotionally, I could never have imagined what he was doing in secret. On October 14th, 2002, my life as I knew it changed forever. Prompted by the Holy Spirit to check the history on his computer, I stared in open-mouthed shock at the filthy and disgusting images of men with men. My first reaction was complete denial: “This can’t be. These are men!”

We immediately visited a Christian counselor who offered very little hope. “I’m sorry to tell you that only about 1% of men with these issues ever experience real change,” he pined. I left his office convinced that Mel’s problems were simply too difficult—even for the Lord.

Being a pastor’s wife and new to our church, there was no one I could confide in about my marriage. How does one begin to explain that her pastor-husband is addicted to homosexual pornography? Where does one find the words? For months, I waited in anguished silence; my only outlet was God. Weary and emotionally spent inside, I rose early every day to meet with the Lord.

The next several months were a blur. Feeling used and manipulated, I vacillated between depression and anger. I suffered from chronic insomnia and some days could hardy muster enough will to pray. The overwhelming emotions of it all nearly drove me to insanity. I was nothing more than a trophy wife: there to cover the stench of his secret sin!

It became increasingly apparent that Mel was not willing to give up his fascination with men. I felt the Lord prompting me to leave. Instead of driving him to his knees, he gave over to his fantasies and engaged in several adulterous relationships with men. My heart broke as God allowed him to plunge deeper into the abyss.

Eventually, the emptiness of his sin drove him to seek help. It was then he entered Pure Life Ministries’ Live-In Program. For several months, Mel remained hardhearted. Frequently, I longed to give up and divorce him, but the Lord would send me scriptures like Malachi 2:16 about “hating divorce” and I would vow again to wait a while longer.

The PLM staff patiently worked with Mel until, at long last, he finally broke. During one Thursday night service, the Lord told him that if he would just surrender his life, He would work a miracle on his behalf. It was then that he began to receive, for himself, the truth of God’s Word. From that time till now, my husband has been increasing in the knowledge of the Lord as he strives to leave his old ways behind him. I know it will not be an easy path to walk but God is faithful.

This summer, when I went to Kentucky to visit Mel at PLM, I saw a changed man! In a Sunday morning service, we stood worshipping hand-in-hand with our arms raised, confessing in song, “Nothing is too difficult for Thee. Nothing is too difficult for Thee.”

What I once thought was impossible has happened: God has changed my husband’s heart and is restoring our marriage.

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