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August 30, 2007
A Question for Kathy:
This is a typical problem for those who have lived in the fast lane sexually. For years your husband’s sex life has been going “80-miles-per-hour.” Now that he has repented, he is expected to do the speed limit. If you have ever driven 80-miles-per-hour down a highway and then needed to slow down to 55, you know that it seems as though you are crawling along!
This is what happened to my husband. When he repented, sex became less and less important to him. The further away from illicit sexual behavior Steve got and the closer to Jesus he became, his desires changed and sex became a very small part of his life. It once had been everything to him, but now it was in its proper place.
My initial reaction is that this is fairly typical; actually, you are more than likely seeing signs of growth. As he continues to grow spiritually, sex will become less based in lust and more founded upon the love you two have together. If he continues going in this direction, the day will come that 55-miles-per-hour (in other words, making love to his wife) will be more fulfilling to him than the fast and dirty sex he was once addicted to.
August 30, 2007
A Question for Kathy:
To be honest you are feeding his addiction. Yes, you should end the relationship because the whole thing is built on lust.
Can I lovingly and gently help you to see that you have a share in the guilt here? It seems as though you are much more concerned about how his addiction might affect you than whether or not the behavior of both of you is wrong in the sight of God.
Don’t get me wrong—I did the same thing myself. When I met Steve, he was a backslidden Christian and I moved in with him. I had never known the Lord and felt no shame over living in sin. However, several months after moving in with him, I did become a believer and immediately packed up and left!
Several months later we married and I moved back in with him. Not long after our wedding, I found out he was addicted to all kinds of sexual sin. It should not have come as a surprise to me: if he was willing to live in sin with me, what would stop him from being involved with all kinds of other sin, as well? I thought way too highly of my ability to hold his attention and horribly underestimated the power of his addiction.
My main concern in your situation is not your relationship with this guy. I think you should end it. My concern is your relationship with God. Why not get on your knees right now. Confess your sinful past to Him. Make a commitment to Him to obey Him and follow Him the rest of your life. If you are sincere in your prayer, you will begin to sense a change in your desires. Find a godly church to attend. In time, if you are faithful to the Lord, He very well may give you a godly husband who will truly love you.
August 30, 2007
A Question for Kathy:
Well, let me say first that masturbation is definitely not the answer! If you start going down that path be prepared to become increasingly consumed by it. Masturbation requires fantasy and you will probably find your mind going places it has no business going. Not only that, once you begin giving over to it, you will become addicted to it. You will never satisfy it and the more you attempt to find satisfaction through it, the emptier your life will become. You will find yourself carrying a load of guilt and shame through life. You will drift further and further from the Lord. You will only make yourself miserable. Besides, how could it be wrong for your husband to masturbate and right for you to?
I realize that your husband is probably distant with you. His addiction is causing him to experience all of the above and more. Rather than turn to God to find relief, he continues to turn back to the same old empty cistern. I know what it feels like to live with a man in such a state of mind. It is painful. It hurts that you don’t feel loved. It hurts that you both can’t be one with each other. It hurts that God cannot be in the center of your marriage. I could go on and on.
I can tell you that I found my support through my relationship with the Lord. He really did become everything to me during that time. He desires the same with you. He is an intimate God and He longs for you to be near to Him. He can satisfy the longing heart.
Having said that, I also want to share with you a brief testimony. When Steve and I first got married, I looked forward to having children. In fact, I wanted to have a bunch of babies! All I really wanted was to spend the rest of my life being a wife and raising children.
However, I soon discovered that I was unable to bear children. I started going to a fertility specialist, but nothing was working. The final step in the process was to be artificially inseminated. It was at that point that the Lord made me know that He did not want me to go any further in that direction. I had to let it go. I had to accept the fact that it was His will for me to be childless. It was very difficult, but I surrendered my desire to the Lord. I can testify that ever since that day the intense longing to have children has been gone.
Now, let me apply this situation to your marriage. Obviously, I am not saying that it is God’s will for your husband to be so self absorbed that he virtually ignores you. But what I can say is that God knows how to make up the loss in a million ways. Be open to the Spirit’s leading and guidance. Rather than languish in the loss, fill your life with meeting the needs of other people. I look back over the last 22 years of ministry and Isaiah 54:1 has become my testimony: “Shout for joy, O barren one, you who have borne no child; break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud, you who have not travailed; for the sons of the desolate one will be more numerous than the sons of the married woman,” says the LORD.
Thousands of men and women—many of whom I consider my spiritual children—have passed through the doors of Pure Life Ministries. But perhaps more important to me is that through the loss I experienced, I found the Lord in a marvelous way. I hope that your loss can compel you to the Lord as well.
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