Are Your Expectations of Your Spouse Too High?


*The following transcript has been slightly edited from the original audio text for readability purposes. All speakers’ original intent has been maintained to the best of our ability.


Kathy we want to deal with a letter today that came in from Gloria. I don't know a better way to say this than that Gloria has just discovered her husband isn't perfect.

Welcome to the real world.


She has expected more of her husband maybe than she should have. Tell us a little bit about what's going on here.

Gloria is one of those women - and I've dealt with many of them over the years - that just really expects perfection. In fact she gave her husband a deadline - in three months he needed to be done with his lust issue, or it was over.


Good luck.

Yeah, it's not going to happen. You know one thing I want to mention here Mike - and I just want to say this to all the ladies that are listening - I am not trying to defend men's lust. I really am not. But I am in a level of reality about what men have to deal with and the dynamic. Because I've been counseling for so long, I've realized that a lot of women do not understand the physiology of the sexual drive in a man. The reality is that God created men to be very highly sexed, and you can take that up with him when you get there. He can explain why he did that; but he just did. Now I'm not trying to exonerate or say that it's right for men to lust. I'm just trying to put it out there to women that it's not a conspiracy against you that your husband is doing these things. He has a very powerful drive in his body that God put there. The man - your husband - has allowed that passion and drive to take control of his life, and that's where the sin has entered in. It is not sinful for a man to desire sex with his wife.


If I could Kathy, there's another component to that that we live in a very, overly, highly sexualized culture.

Right. And for us ladies to think that our husbands are going to walk in a pristine kind of heavenly mindedness and not notice what's going on out there it's naiveties at it's finest. With Gloria, her laying this thing on her husband "in three months get it together or we're done", it's very clear to me that she just has no clue what he's dealing with. I really felt a lack of compassion coming from her. It was more self-preservation - "get it together because you're making me miserable" - rather than seeing this as a battle that he's in. I'm sure that most of the guys out there - well maybe not most - but there's a good amount of men out there - godly men who claim to be Jesus' own - would love to flip a switch and be done with it. If they could, they would. But that's not reality.


I've been looking for that switch for years but it's still alluding me.

Haha. I know lots of guys that are looking for it. "It's not in that room."


Well it seemed also Kathy that it may have shown a misperception on her part about how God looks at sin and the way that we deal with sin.

I think that God is looking on his beloved, and that's how he sees these men. He sees the battle and He knows exactly what the man is facing. I don't think God is as interested in the man not having a lustful thought, as much as He is the man having a cry in his heart towards the Lord. That's precious to God.


Seeing that he has a need for the Lord...

Yeah, and sexual sin will do that. If a man is in a right place, sexual sin will bring him to his knees. I don't think the Lord ever has a disdaining thought. He doesn't have a repulsion towards men who struggle with sexual sin. He's repulsed by the rebels. The pharisaic spirit is repulsive to God. Those who think they are better than anybody or everybody, that's repulsive to Him - those who put on clean garments outwardly but inwardly are full of ravening, covetousness, murder, pride - all of the sins listed in Galatians that God is opposed to.


I think of the pharisees and the woman who had been caught in adultery; and look at Jesus' response. He had tremendous compassion for her, but what appeared to be quite a judgment against those who were ready to stone her.

Yeah. What did he say to them? He said to them...


"Those who are without sin, cast the first stone."

That's right, and they admitted it by dropping their rocks and walked off. That spirit of "you've got to get it together and you've got to do things right" is so not the Lord. Now to the ladies I will say that you want mercy. When God reveals to you that you have a spirit of gossip, arrogance, covetousness, or pride, you want compassion - "Lord mercy me. Help me. I'm sorry. I repent. I know what I'm like inside. You've got to help me God." That is the exact same spirit we should be in towards our husbands as they battle through their sins.


Yes. Thank you Kathy. I hope that will be an encouragement for other women who maybe have seen this in their own heart and might be a little more willing to hand out that same mercy to others around them who are struggling.

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