Timeless Truths: Restoring a marriage from the ruin of sexual sin isn't easy. The husband needs to bear his wife as she fights through the pain, fear and anger. The wife ought to bear her husband as he battles his way out of lust. But if they'll persist in walking in love, the Lord will do a miracle in them.

Host: Jeff and Rose, as we focus on couples today, I'd like to take a look at an example of a couple where we'll just say the man has come into our Residential Program here at Pure Life. And Rose, we will presume that the wife is going through the Wives’ Program. What kind of issues do couples often deal with as they come together and go through this experience?

Jeff: Typically, what we see is that they have a hard time bearing one another through the different kinds of issues that they deal with along the way. And what I've seen with husbands a lot of times is that the husband is looking at everything he's sacrificed to come into the program. Everything he's given up to get his life in order. He's been in sin for 30 years, but he’s been in the program for four weeks and he expects his wife to just come around and forgive him. He thinks that they just need to move on from the past and that she should be patting him on the back since he is making an effort to change now.

Host: And Rose, How's the wife looking at things? Obviously, she's seeing it from a different perspective.

Rose: Usually when the husband comes into the program, whether it's the Residential Program or the OCAH Program, she has certain expectations for her husband as far as him changing into a totally different person. And if she sees anything of the old man popping up, she goes into a panic mode. She may think, “Is my husband really changing? Because I still see the old man there.” So, she will start to wonder if her expectations are realistic or not.

Host: Okay. And Jeff, how do you begin to deal with the husband in this situation? I guess this is just kind of how guys are, we deal with something, we move on, and we don't think about it again. How do you begin to help him see his wife's perspective? What is the real issue that you have to deal with here?

Jeff: The real issue is self-pity. He's really feeling sorry for himself and he's looking for a little bit of recognition from his wife to make him feel better. And what I would try to help this gentleman understand is that he needs to keep his eyes on the mercy that God has had on him. He should be thankful that he didn't die out there in his sin. It's the mercy of God that he's even in the program so he needs to have a grateful heart.
      Also, he needs to understand that he needs to bear his wife through the hard things that she needs to walk through. And if she has a hard time and maybe doesn't speak nicely to him on the telephone, he needs to bear her through that and be a little more understanding of what she's going through instead of focusing on how everything is affecting him.

Host: And I guess a lot of times for these guys, they may have been dealing with their sin issue for many years and this may just have been a sudden thing for the wife to find out. So, you can understand how she may not be as quick to forgive or quick to move on. What's the real issue you're dealing with when it comes to the wife?

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Rose: Well, a lot of times the wife is too focused on her husband and some of the ways that he has not changed yet. So, I would really want her to become focused on the Lord and I would want to encourage her that her husband is a work in progress just like she is. Sanctification is a process and it takes time for the Lord to change different attitudes in our hearts and our behavior. So, I would try to encourage her to get her eyes on the Lord and maybe write down some things that she struggles with that look different than her husbands struggles. We want her to get to where she is not so focused on what she still sees wrong with him but that she sees what God is doing in her husband's life and begin to encourage him.

Host: As you were talking Rose, Jeff was shaking his head.

Jeff: Well, I'm thinking of what I told a guy I was counseling to do and it really goes along with what Rose is saying. I encouraged him to make a list and write down the things that he's grateful for about his wife. The one thing I told him was, “She's talking to you after 30 years of deceiving her and sinning against her. You should be grateful that she is even talking to you. But I'm sure that there are 50 things you can think of that you're thankful for when it comes to your wife.
      In other words, get the focus off yourself and how you're feeling and how maybe you're not being treated the way you would like to be treated. Instead, focus on your wife. Think about how you can be praying for her, bearing her and thanking God for the things that you are grateful for that you see in her.

Host: Well, it sounds like what you guys are saying is that whether you're dealing with the husband or the wife, each needs to bear the other’s burdens. They both need to get their eyes off themselves and look at what they can do for the other person. “How can I help them? How can I bear them?” So, this would be something we could all apply. How many relationships would be transformed overnight if we would just bear one another?