Ken Larkin, a biblical counselor, maps out some basic steps toward change for people who realize they're heading in the wrong spiritual direction.

Brooks: Ken, the human tendency to form habits can often be a good thing...but not when it comes to sexual sin. What are the basic differences between someone who's on the right path of seeking the Lord and a person who is caught up in habits of sexual sin?

Ken: In Proverbs 14:16, scripture says that "a wise man is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is arrogant and careless." Really, the difference between someone on the right path and someone on the wrong path is your perspective on life. A foolish person basically lives for today. So if you find yourself constantly just seeking what's immediate—immediate gratification and pleasure, where you're asking "How will this make me feel at the moment?" without considering consequences in the future—then you're living like a foolish person and you're on the wrong path. But a wise person is not only concerned with the immediate results but with what the consequences will be in the future for his actions—maybe a month from now or a year from now. And more importantly, he wants to know, "How is this going to affect me from an eternal perspective?" For him, it's not just about gaining pleasure; it's "How is this going to set me up in the future?" There's a big difference between living for the "now" or living in the reality of the future and what direction your life is actually heading in as you pursue your pleasure or your sin.

Brooks: As a counselor, when you're talking to someone who realizes they're on the wrong path and they are willing to change, what are the first steps they need to take?

Ken: The first step is to look at your life and see where you're going wrong. Obviously, if they're in the Pure Life Ministries Residential Program and they're dealing with sexual sin, it's an obvious thing. But you need to realize, "OK, what are the patterns of my behavior? Why do I do this?" You want to look at, not just what you're doing, but why you're doing it—what you're hoping to gain out of it. If you're sinning, ask, "What should I have done instead of that?" I think it's also very good to look at the consequences of where you're headed, because you're not going to want to turn around unless you see the need for it. If you see that you're going the wrong way, you need to see exactly where you're at, you need to take ownership for it and you need to resolve in your heart, "I want things to be different."

Second, when you see you need to change, the Bible says that you need to repent. You need to turn around; you need to repent before the Lord, and you need to also repent before any individuals that your actions have affected. If you've hurt someone or if you've done something where you sinned against someone, then you need to repent. And this clears the spiritual slate where you can make a clean break from your past and start fresh and begin to move forward—in your walk with the Lord and in getting out of this lifestyle of sin. Repentance is a change of mind. You see that what you've thought and what you've done was wrong. And this change leads to a fundamental heart change, where you realize that you need to go in a different direction. And that should lead to a change in your will—where you resolve to stop doing what you're doing—and a change in the direction of your life. And then, ultimately, it will affect your actions.

For more discussion about what real repentance looks like, see "Did You Repent or Make an Empty Resolution?"

Brooks: “Accountability” is a word that is often linked to discussions about breaking addictions. What advice do you give counselees about this aspect of change?

Ken: One of the worst things you can do is dumb it down to merely just being accountable to someone for what you’re doing—checking in with someone and saying, "Yeah, I failed today," or whatever. Especially if it's someone else who's struggling. There are support groups where people that are actually bound in sin just kind of tell on one another and try to encourage one another. But really, from a biblical standpoint, it's deeper than just telling someone you're doing wrong or checking in. It really should be discipleship. And that would mean you need to go to a mature believer or mature believers in your church that can come alongside you and help. They shouldn't be someone struggling with the same thing. It could be beneficial if they've come out of the same background, so they can empathize with you. But any godly person living in victory and that's more mature in their walk with the Lord can help you. And then, it's not enough to just come under their guidance and direction. If you don't follow their counsel, it's not going to do you any good. Proverbs 12:15 says, "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel." Obviously, if you're stuck in a pattern of behavior that's wrong and you're trying to grow, you're going to need outside help.

Brooks: Another common discipline that's often connected to Christian growth is Bible study. Why is Bible study important in the change process, and how do you recommend people do it?

Ken: Romans 12:2 says, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Anyone that's been struggling with habitual sin has been living to that extent like a fool, and they need to have their perspective changed by spending quality time in the Word of God—really, on a daily basis. It's not just about gaining facts; the Bible is spiritual food, and it's about developing a relationship with God. The more you spend time with a holy God, it will eventually rub off on you and you'll begin to really be a "partaker of the divine nature," as the Bible says. Your relationship with him will enable you to overcome sin. It's not about getting strong or overcoming in yourself; He is our strength, and He is our victory. He is the path to freedom and deliverance.

Brooks: Can you give some practical recommendations for getting started in Bible study?

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Ken: The first thing is you do make a commitment that you're going to spend time in the Bible—that you're going to commit to a lifestyle of Bible study. In the Residential Program, we mandate that the men spend at least 15 minutes per day in Bible study. I think that's a good starting point. I would rather someone spend 15 minutes a day and be consistent than maybe spend an hour once a week or something. The important thing is spending quality time...and then, consistency. Then, you have to have a specific game plan—you have to have a specific time and place where you're going to do this. If you don't have a time scheduled, it's going to be just too easy for the day to crowd out that time. I would recommend the morning; give God the first-fruits, and spend that quality time in the morning with God. Eventually, you're going to want to build that time up, because you can do only so much in 15 minutes. And it should be coupled with prayer. I would say that if you can commit to a half-hour a day—15 minutes in the Bible and 15 minutes in prayer—that would be a great starting point. If you can get that solidified, where you're doing that on a daily basis, God is going to make major inroads into your life and give you spiritually what you thought you could never get. He's going to bring you to a victory you've never experienced before if you haven't spent time in God's Word on a daily basis before. You can do different things: word studies; prewritten Bible studies, such as our resource The Walk of Repentance; or meditating on the life of Jesus in the gospels. But I can't emphasize them enough the importance of spending daily time in the Word of God and how that will revolutionize your life. It's not an option, if you want to live in victory.

Biblical counselors Jeff and Rose Colón offer practical advice on the basics of communication between a husband and wife.

Brooks: Jeff and Rose Colón, communication must be a frequent topic that comes up when you counsel couples. Can you give us some thoughts on this area?

Jeff: Words are powerful, and they will either work to bring about God's peace and unity in a marriage or they'll work to bring about contention, strife and division. A couple has to learn how to bring God's thinking into their communication. They have to learn how to reconcile differences and how to come to common ground—whatever they're dealing with.

Brooks: What are some of the ways that you see communication problems manifest when you're counseling couples?

Rose: Usually, when we counsel the husband and wife and we sit there and watch and observe them communicate with one another, one of the common problems that both the husband and wife have is that they tend to jump to conclusions—without really knowing what's going on with the other partner. Or they read into something the husband or the wife is doing or not doing. And they draw these conclusions, and later on, they find out that they were so wrong.

Brooks: Rose, what particular things do you notice when you're talking to wives about the issue of communication?

Rose: What we usually see with the wives when we talk about these issues is that there's times when she's communicating and she's not aware of how she's tearing her husband down with her words…or how she's attacking his manhood. And the husband feels like, "I can't do anything right," and he starts shutting down in communicating with her. And it becomes a barrier between both of them.

Brooks: Jeff, what are some practical ways that a couple can begin to work on problems with their communication?

Jeff: It's really very simple. It's just them learning to sit down and to communicate biblically. A lot of times, we get into things with our spouse while we're out in the car driving around or while we're at the store. And that's really not the time to talk about an issue. Or sometimes, we're at home and one person shuts down and doesn't want to talk. Or we play the silent treatment. If a couple wants Christ in the center of their home, there has to be a willingness to communicate. So a conference table is a good way to do that. They can set up a place in the home where they know, "This is where we're going to sit down, and this is where we're going to talk things through." We always tell them to have a Bible on the table, because you want God's perspective on whatever it is you're talking about. We encourage them to pray before they start. And if there's anything that needs to be repented of, now would be a good time.

I've found in my own marriage that if our hearts aren't right starting out, it's going to be very difficult to communicate. So it's very important, obviously, that our hearts get right before we can sit down. So we encourage them to get anything out and to maybe admit, "You know what, I was wrong today," or maybe, "My attitude has been wrong." And it's a good time to repent to one another and then begin to talk about the problem.

Brooks: As you've counseled people about starting with repentance, have you found that some problems actually get resolved at that point?

Jeff: Yeah, actually, what you find out is that what you got mad about was really not an issue.

Rose: And for the wife, during this time, she might need to repent of being resentful toward her husband or bitter toward him. Maybe he spoke to her a certain way that day and she's been carrying it around all day. And maybe they have the conference table at 7 o'clock that night. But all day, she's been running that thing over and over in her mind and heart, and she's developing a root of bitterness toward her husband. This is a good opportunity for her to come to her husband and to say, "You know, I need to repent, because my heart's not right toward you in that area; I've allowed myself to become bitter or resentful toward you."

Brooks: Considering how busy people's lives are, how important is this practice of setting aside time on a regular basis to communicate like you're describing?

Jeff: I think that in the beginning, it's very important. Especially for a couple that has issues that they're working through and that has a serious communication problem. They have to learn how to communicate, and they're not going to learn without practice. And then, after a while, after they feel like they are communicating, it could be limited to when they have issues—when something's not right, when they've got to deal with the kids about something. There's always something that needs to be discussed in a home, and it really is a good idea to have a place where we can sit down and really put our hearts into it and have God in the middle of it. To me, it's a good habit to do often.

Brooks: Beyond the blessings that it provides to the couple themselves, how important is good communication to God?

Jeff: It's very important. Jesus warned us many times about our words, and in Ephesians, Paul said that when we allow any "corrupt communication...[to] come out of our mouths," we "grieve the Holy Spirit." God wants our words to edify one another. He wants our words to build up one another—to encourage one another. When we're not communicating in the Spirit, we're hurting one another. It really is a barometer of whether God is conquering my will—whether God is having His way in my life.

Homosexuality increasingly touches all our lives. More and more Christians know a friend, coworker or family member who identifies as gay...and many others are struggling with same-sex attraction themselves. Steve Gallagher draws on his knowledge of the issues involved and explores five reasons why people could feel drawn toward homosexuality. Also in this episode: Jim Lewis breaks down the basics of biblical counseling and Jeff and Rose Colón give couples advice on effective communication.

With poetic beauty John Newton made it clear in his famous hymn, Amazing Grace, that there are many dangers, toils and snares for those who choose to walk with Jesus. He eloquently depicted suffering as being an integral part of the past, present and future reality of the journey of life. These dangers, toils and snares come from the battles that rage against us through devils, other people, or even our own flesh.

The third stanza of Amazing Grace tells the story,

“Through many dangers, toils, and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.”

Newton presented in this hymn some practical, everyday theology. If you read his life story, you will find that he wrote this heartfelt hymn through the agony of personal experience. Not only did he know the perils that accompanied a sailor’s life in the natural, he also knew what it was to face the “dangers, toils and snares” of the spiritual realm. He suffered before coming to Christ because of his sin and then suffered after coming to Christ as a result of his pursuit of God.

Life would be easy if we didn’t have to face all these trials and temptations. Yet ever since Adam and Eve’s terrible rebellion this has been the world in which we live. The idea that we will face many “dangers, toils and snares” is Newton’s concise way of communicating some of the ways that Christians will experience suffering. They may come through persecution, spiritual attacks or the inward battles we face in dealing with our sinful nature.

Sometimes our suffering is little more than an irritant; other times it has the potential to be devastating. Yet in each danger, toil and snare there lies an opportunity to grow a little more like Jesus. This isn’t how most Christians think in America despite the fact that trials and tests are an integral part of developing a Biblical faith.

Before Paul came to Christ, he persecuted the church and even thought that he was doing service for God. When the Lord confronted him on the Damascus road, he was terrified by the divine encounter, especially after the Lord declared that he was literally fighting against God.

For three days Paul was in agony of soul and mind through the knowledge that he had been self-deceived into believing that it was God’s will for him to persecute Christians. The Pharisee was slowly being purged of his Pharisaism through the gift of repentance.

After three days of deep conviction the Lord sent to Paul a disciple named Ananias. The Lord told Ananias that He would show Paul “how much he must suffer for my name.” (Acts 9:16). The Lord didn’t paint a rosy picture to Paul by telling him that his new life with Christ would be happy and free from trouble. No, the Lord told him the truth because He wanted Paul to count the cost to be a disciple.

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In today’s church culture many want to remarket Jesus by sanitizing Him of all the supposed negativity that surrounds Him. They want to scrub Him up and make Him look relevant to this modern culture. There is one major problem with this—such thoughts are not based in truth, but an incorrect knowledge of God and man’s great need. Mankind has not changed in six millennia—we are still sinners in desperate need of a Savior.

Many people would like to erase what Paul told the believers in Philippi because it doesn’t fit today’s motivational preaching where people want a happy religion. He wrote, “For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him.” (Philippians 1:29). How many pastors have preached from this verse? How many self-professing Christians even know this verse exists?

The fact remains that Newton was right in stating that we will go through many dangers, toils, and snares until we see Jesus face to face. Paul knew what it was to suffer for Christ, and this became part of his preaching. An example of this is found in Acts 14:22, “Confirming the souls of the disciples, and exhorting them to continue in the faith, and that we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God.”

Notice that Paul was encouraging the disciples with the message that they must go through much tribulation before they get to heaven. The importance of this message is lost in the watered-down motivational talks that many pastors give today. People need to be prepared for the trials and temptations we are sure to face—not with the psychobabble that comes from so many pulpits today, but with the truth that a victorious Christian life comes by dying to self and living totally unto Christ.

We cannot help people live triumphant over sin, self and the world by giving them cutesy sayings, funny antidotes and sugar sweetened coined phrases that are void of substance. We all need to hear the truth, even when it hurts. To sugarcoat the truth to make it palatable to more people is to turn the truth into a lie.

The apostle Peter told us that “…the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10). Here we see the wonder and mystery of how God works in our fallen world. If we will submit to Jesus through loving obedience, then He will make all the dangers, toils, and snares work for our temporal and eternal good. They will help purify our faith so that we can hear our Savior’s joyful “Well done” when we stand before Him.

This roundtable discussion offers sound advice to Christian singles about following Jesus and living in purity. Leaders from Madison Place Community Church offer biblical insight into how and why singleness can be a blessing for Christians. Plus, PLM Director of Ministry Outreach Nate Danser offers an inside look at the brand-new resource The Overcomers Series.

Karla Buch, who is part of Pure Life Ministries' senior leadership, shares how she persevered through the tragedy of her husband's betrayal and found faith, restoration, and "a love we never had before."

Brooks: Karla, you and Ed went through a fiery trial in your marriage. But before we get into what happened, can you share a little about how you met?

Karla: Well, I grew up in a Christian home, where I had very godly parents who taught me about the Lord from the time I was very young. I went to a Christian college after high school, and then I worked for two different missions organizations. When I did meet my husband, it was a church, and we knew each other for about 15 years before we started dating. We both wanted to serve the Lord, we both sat under the same preaching and teaching, and we went to Christian seminars together. So we knew we really had something in common—a life where we wanted to serve the Lord.

Brooks: What were your ideas of how marriage would be as you started life together?

Karla: We really were hoping that we would both be serving the Lord full-time. Even in the process of planning our wedding, we had gotten introduced to a Christian organization that was looking for Christian counselors, and that was my husband's field of work. So we really expected that we could be more effective serving the Lord as a married couple then each one of us would be individually. I was looking forward to a marriage that would be very fulfilling for me, because I had trusted the Lord to bring the right man into my life. I was looking forward to that companionship and just to having a godly husband who would be a good husband and potentially a good father to any children we might have—that we would really be living for the Lord in all that we did.

Brooks: What were some of the first things you noticed that led you to believe that something wasn't right in your relationship?

Karla: Very early on, I sensed that he would go into long periods of withdrawal—where he would be very quiet, very hard to reach and hard to talk to. He could never give me a reason why. I would ask what was wrong, but he would always tell me that nothing was wrong, of course. We would be constantly arguing about household duties or time spent away from home, how much was correct. He immersed himself in his work and took on a position with his work where he had to be gone almost every weekend. So he would retreat into his work environment, and I would go home and stay with my parents for the weekend. It was like we were still living under the same roof...but almost in two different worlds completely. But yet, all the while, we were maintaining this facade that we were the perfect Christian couple, perfectly happy, and that everything was fine. So I knew something was wrong, but I really couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. There was no outward sin that I was aware of, but you just know somehow—I guess, from the Lord, maybe—that something is wrong.

Brooks: Did you question God during this period when things weren't going like you expected them to go in your marriage?

Karla: Well, of course, because I had waited a long time before I got married and wanted the Lord to bring the right one into my life. And so now that he did, I was really beginning to question, "Was this the right one? Was this God's plan? Have I made a big mistake here?" But even in the midst of my questionings and my doubts, the Lord was working things out behind the scenes. One day, I was at the office, and a magazine came in the mail to my desk—and it came to my desk because it wasn't addressed to anyone in particular in the organization. It was Unchained!, the magazine from Pure Life Ministries. When I read through that magazine and heard about Pure Life Ministries' programs and about men that had been set free, for the first time, I had hope that maybe there was something out there that could help our marriage. I ordered Kathy Gallagher's book, When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart, and I began to read her advice to women who had been through the same things I was going through. It really helped me to see that we need to keep our focus on the Lord during these times, even when nothing seems to be happening.

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I remember one night when I was just at the end of my own self, my own resources, and I was on my face before the Lord, just crying out him. First of all, I was just asking him to intervene in the marriage, and I was praying for my husband, praying that he would have a heart to change. But also, at the same time, it was just a time of surrender to the Lord, where I had to lay down that marriage and the all of the ideal expectations that I had for the marriage. And I remember saying to the Lord, "If this is the way that you want this marriage to be, then I accept it, and I am willing to continue to be committed to my husband and to allow you to be the One that I am looking to for all of my needs." At this point, I didn't know the full extent of his sin. I just knew things weren't the way I wanted them to be, and that was what I had to lay down before the Lord. It was probably only a few months later when my husband sat down with me one evening and confessed everything.

Brooks: Later, Ed attended the Pure Life Ministries Residential Program, and you enrolled in the Wives Program. How did God work in your lives in this time?

Karla: In the Wives Program, I learned, first of all, what it really meant to be a follower of Jesus Christ. Like I said, I had grown up in the church, but I think my Christianity was more of a mental acknowledgement of the Lord—knowing about Him, reading about Him. But I came to learn that it has to be a personal relationship with Him, and he has to be real inside a person, and that's what happened for me when I did the Program. I also had a lot of pride. I had a lot of unrealistic expectations about what marriage should be. Fear of man was also a big issue for me; I was so self-conscious and worried about what others thought about me. Through the Wives Program, I learned to be more concerned about the needs of others.

When Ed was in the Residential Program, the Lord did a marvelous work in his life. The Lord has restored our marriage. We no longer have those doubts or fears or periods of silence. Nothing's hidden anymore. The Lord has given us a love for each other that we never had before—one that's based on true godly love, not just our own interests. We've been serving here a Pure Life Ministries since 2005, and we're very grateful for all that the Lord has done for us. It's not just that my marriage got fixed. It's that the Lord has come into my life and my husband's life in a way that He is the center of everything. We're not just living for a happy, comfortable life in this world. We now see that the Lord and eternal matters are much more important than anything we could ever hope for in this life.

Brooks: Do you have any closing thoughts for other wives out there who are hurting?

Karla: I would definitely say that your best weapon is prayer, both for your husband and for yourself—to have the ability to be able to endure through what might be very difficult circumstances. Just know that the Lord is working behind the scenes...maybe in ways that you're not even aware of. And if you just keep looking to Him, He will be the one that will meet your needs and be your security. He will be your comfort and your stronghold during this time.

Have you been devastated by the pain and rejection of an unfaithful husband? Whether your husband’s problem is pornography, an adulterous affair, soliciting prostitutes, or even secretly struggling with homosexuality…we can help you.

WIVES PROGRAM

Fear often contributes to the formation of an addiction, and then seeks to keep us bound in it. PLM Pastor Ed Buch shows us how to face our fears and overcome them.

Interviewer: Pastor Ed, you previously wrote an article titled, "Why Sex Addicts are so Afraid.” I suspect that nearly anyone can think of many times in their lives where fear has been an issue. I think we can all relate to the idea of fear.

Pastor Ed: Yeah. Maybe I should say at the outset that I've certainly had a lot of experience with fear over the years. As a child, I was a very fearful individual, especially of the dark, as many children are.

Interviewer: Yeah, me too. I still don't look under the bed!

Pastor Ed: Right. I still don't walk up to windows at night. A couple of things stood out to me as I looked at the Scriptures and my own experience kind of side-by-side when it comes to fear. One thing is that as a human being, fear paralyzes me. I get stuck, and I think that's true in general of people - we are paralyzed by fear. But on the other hand, Satan our adversary is animated by fear. It is an atmosphere that he thrives in; and I think works very, very hard to incite and keep immersing us in because that's where he can do his work to corrupt and destroy lives so effectively.

Interviewer: Yeah. No doubt about that. Well, hopefully we can encourage people to have hope that they can get free of the fear that the enemy is so often trying to keep us in. One of the classic examples of fear in the Bible involves Peter.

Pastor Ed: Yeah. One of the probably most well known stories of fear in the Bible is Peter walking on the water. A number of the disciples are in the boat and headed across the lake; and Jesus comes walking on the water toward them and their reaction is fear. He says some reassuring things to them and eventually Peter says 'Well Lord, if it's really you, invite me to come walk on the water to you.' Jesus does that. He says 'Come.' So Peter gets out of the boat - I'm sure many of us have heard the story - and he loses his focus. He makes a decisive error here and takes his eyes off of Jesus. He begins to see the boisterous waves and the storm around him, and starts to sink in the water. Of course, he calls on Jesus. Jesus reaches out his hand to him and says 'Oh you of little faith. Why did you doubt?'

Interviewer: What does that question that Jesus asks reveal to us and about us?

Pastor Ed: What we see here in this passage with Peter is that fear is literally drowning faith and that is true in so many of our lives. We can get stuck in unbelief. I personally have felt that at times. When I was in my sexual sin in particular - feeling powerless to stop the behaviors that I knew were sinful, as well as powerless to put into practice the steps I could see and read in scripture or other biblical materials - Jesus was inviting me toward that freedom, but I was paralyzed it seemed by the role that fear was playing in my life. And that's because we're dealing with a lot of fears.

I think this is very true of sexual addicts or others dealing with sexual sin - that fear has played a huge role in our lives. Probably many are dealing with something like a fear of intimacy, a fear of emotional pain and rejection, a fear of inadequacy, just feeling insignificant and unable. Those are all things that feed and propel us into those sexual addictions.

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Interviewer: I had a check box next to each one of those as I look back on some of the things that drew me into sexual sin. I’ve heard you say that fear not only leads us into sexual sin, but can also hinder us from getting out of it.

Pastor Ed: Yes, that's what I mean by fear animating Satan. Now he's got us in this trap of fear - I was propelled there by fear and I can't get out because I'm afraid of getting caught or exposed, afraid of losing my reputation, afraid of the consequences that I might have to deal with when my sin is exposed. It's really a horrible trap and a pit. I believe many people out there today might be stuck in that pit, and it is my hope that they will understand that they don't have to stay there.

Interviewer: Can you expound more on that? How can we escape this fear-based prison?

Pastor Ed: Yeah. The only way to get out of this prison is to face our fears. Proverbs says very clearly that the fear of the wicked will come upon him and that's exactly what happens in many cases, unfortunately. As we let it go too long, the things we fear happen. In my case, my sexual sin got exposed and I was caught; and all those things that I feared came upon me. I think many people experience that, but we can at any point make the choice to face those fears head-on and overcome them. And the Lord would have us do that much sooner than many of us opt to do.

Interviewer: You say that coming to grips with our fears is not complicated. It may not be complicated, but if you're in the grip of fear it very often seems elusive. How do I do that if I find myself driven by fear or controlled by fear?

Pastor Ed: In my mind, there's kind of a two-pronged approach. We need to replace that fear with faith, and the faith is going to come from the Word of God. There's no way around that. You need to be immersed in the Word of God and letting the Word of God take a higher place in your thinking and in your heart than the fears and the emotions behind those fears. At the same time, you mentioned while it's not complicated, it's not easy either. I don't want to minimize that because I'm not even sure a person can literally do that alone. My experience - and I think the experience of most people I'm familiar with - is it takes a group of believers who can come alongside and help pray you through in that regard, before you can really overcome fear in your life.

Interviewer: You close your article by talking about the woman with the issue of blood, which I think really spoke well to the love of Jesus in the midst of our fear.

Pastor Ed: I think everyone's probably familiar with that account in scripture. This woman had a twelve year issue of blood. She's bound in her fear and her uncleanness, very much like someone in sexual sin. She gets just enough sight of Jesus in her desperation to reach out and touch the hem of his garment; and gets the healing she needs. But the reality of that story is when she touches him Jesus immediately stops everything. He's on his way to heal somebody else, but he stops.

Interviewer: And he's got quite a crowd around him too.

Pastor Ed: Exactly. In fact, Peter said that. When Jesus asked 'Who touched me?' Peter's response was 'Master, you're surrounded by this large group of people; it could have been any of us. Why do you even care?' And when we think about that, I think the reason Jesus really did care was because he loved that woman perfectly. In that love, he understood that while she had been healed of her uncleanness, her fear remained. We see when he finally calls her before him, it says specifically 'She came in fear and trembled before him.' But she confessed in that moment everything to him. His response to her was 'Daughter, your faith has made you well.' She overcame all of her fear by the faith that he drew out of her and imparted to her.

Interviewer: He really laid the foundation for hope in her that she did not have before. Even as you're talking about that, I think of the man that was healed by the pool at the Sheep Gate. When he was asked 'Who healed you?', he didn't know who healed him. I've always loved the fact that Jesus arranged a second meeting, so that he could know who healed him. He wanted to heal his heart, of course, and he wanted to give that man the hope that he didn't have just by his healing, as wonderful as that was.

Pastor Ed: That's right, yeah. I think maybe many of us today would settle for just physical healing, but God is always after something much much deeper.

Interviewer: Yes, and much more wonderful. Amen. Hopefully for those who may be experiencing fear in different ways in their life it will provide some hope to them—that Jesus is not only aware of their fears, but he wants to set them free from the fears and the consequences of them.

When someone is pursuing purity, they can count on facing a tidal wave of temptation. But just feeling tempted isn't wrong...so how can you tell the difference between temptation and actual sin? Ed Buch, the pastor of Pure Life Ministries' Residential Program, offers his own answer to this internal struggle. Plus, Steve Gallagher shares a preview of the 2019 Annual Conference, and Jeff and Rose Colón encourage struggling couples to pursue God's true path of blessing for their marriage.

Headlines abound with stories of sexual sin's devastating impact on women, and among those affected are countless wives who must face the devastation of their husbands' betrayal. Following up on the last episode, biblical counselor Carol Bourque and Pure Life Ministries co-founder Kathy Gallagher return to offer hope and the answers that can help wives navigate this painful trial, and Karla Buch shares her own story of tragedy, faith, and restoration.

Pure Life Ministries’ co-founder, Kathy Gallagher, shares some of her personal perspective about the severe inner turmoil of a wife who has just found out about her husband’s sexual sin.

When I discovered my husband's sin, the sense of betrayal was profound. I had always been raised to believe that marriage and the union between a husband and wife was totally sacred. So when Steve had given away that sacredness that we had together as a couple, it was just devastating, and it is for every wife. There's the sense of betrayal—that you've lost something through this process. And there's the aloneness and the fear and all of the emotions that come in because of that sense of betrayal. And it's not just the sense of betrayal but the actual betrayal—that my husband has either been with other people physically or that he has viewed pornography. Either way, it's just devastating; there's really no other term I can think of to describe it.

Betrayal in a marriage is almost the worst thing that can happen. You can think of lots of other things that can happen in a marriage that can really rock your world, but when there's been betrayal—sexual betrayal—it's the worst thing that a man can do to his wife or that a wife can do to her husband. It happens both ways; mostly it's men in sexual sin, but there have been women that have been in sexual sin. And the devastation that the spouse goes through! Everything falls apart. What you thought you had is no longer there; it's gone. And you're reeling. “Where do I go from here? How do I put this back together?” And I think there's aloneness and fear and...lostness is the word that keeps coming into my mind. You feel so lost. This person that I love, that I've completely given myself to and have devoted the rest of my life to, has betrayed me. The person that I counted on and depended on and needed and wanted and was one with has betrayed me. He has, in a sense—this is maybe overly dramatic—he's put a knife in my back...or, at the very least, put a knife in this relationship.

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Mistrust is enormous, because you don't just land on your feet after you find out that your husband has been unfaithful. It's more like you're on your back and you don't know how to get up. How do you move forward? If there has even been repentance, how do you go forward from this reality? How do you go into the future with this man? How do you ever know that you can trust him again? How do you build trust in this mess? Mistrust, for me, wasn't as big of a deal as it is for a lot of women, because I was very naive, and I wanted it to work, and I was just ready to move forward. But it kept happening, and that's when mistrust was really becoming a part of my world. And how to deal with it was a real problem for me. I know it is for lots of women. You just don't know how to move forward.

The sense of rejection for a woman is...it brings me to tears to think about it. As a woman, you start to think about what he's doing, especially if he's with other people. You're immediately questioning yourself—at least, I did. I questioned myself: “What's wrong with me? What's so wrong with me that he needs to be with other people?” And it just cuts at the heart of who you are as a woman, as a person. “What is so wrong with me that he needs to go somewhere else for sex?” And even if it's just pornography. I would say that when a man commits physical adultery, there's no comparison to that rejection. There really isn't. You can't compare pornography to adultery. But what was so painful for me when Steve was viewing pornography was that he was leaving me out. He had a separate world that was his and that didn't include me. But it included all kinds of images and situations with strangers. And I was out of his world—not that I wanted to be a part of that world. But the statement that was being made (whether he was vocalizing or not), the statement that he was living out was, "This is who I am; this is what I want; and I don't want you in there." And that is hard to reconcile.

I would say that the worst thing that can happen to a woman, far more than lost love, is losing respect for her husband. Because if you don't respect him, you're not going to fight for him. You're not going to get in his corner, and you're not going to do battle. I'll just use my own story. Time after time after time, Steve would fail...without repentance. And I just got to the point where I started seeing him differently. He wasn't the strong, confident guy that I married. I saw him as weak; I saw him as kind of sleazy; and my respect was just going away. And I kind of didn't even care. In fact, I wanted him to go away. I didn't want to fight for the marriage. There was nothing to fight for. I just couldn't imagine living with him. Literally, I could not fathom living with this man anymore. I had such disdain and disgust inside for him that there was nothing left to fight for.

There's a lot of fallout from a man in sexual sin. And the outcome for a wife—the symptoms, the outcomes, the results of the sin he's been in—it's pretty hard to sum it all up and say one thing. There are so many things that happen to a woman and to their marriage as a result of infidelity.

Have you been devastated by the pain and rejection of an unfaithful husband? Whether your husband’s problem is pornography, an adulterous affair, soliciting prostitutes, or even secretly struggling with homosexuality…we can help you.

WIVES PROGRAM

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No wife expects to make the painful discovery that her husband has a secret life of sexual sin. This episode explores how unfaithfulness impacts a wife through the eyes of two of the PLM wives' counselors. Pure Life’s co-founder, Kathy Gallagher, reveals the most painful effects of a husband's sin and speaks honestly about the struggle against unforgiveness and bitterness, and Carol Bourque describes unhealthy reactions wives often experience.

Pastor Steve Gallagher explains how the battles against sexual sin and spiritual pride often go hand-in-hand.

Brooks: Pastor Steve, you wrote an article, “What Sex Addicts and Pharisees Have in Common” that described how sex addicts and Pharisees are similar. In the article, you said that Christians who struggle with sexual sin can tend to get trapped in "modern formalism" instead of a "vibrant life in God." How do we get these two things confused?

Pastor Steve: The predominant characteristic of Pharisees was that they were focused on outward things rather than the inward life. Jesus constantly focused on the heart—what's going on in a person's heart, what's the interchange between that person's inward life and God. God is a spirit-being. He's a person. He's not a set of rules and regulations. Yes, there is the law that we must keep in regard to our relationship with the Lord. But rules and regulations are not what Christianity is about. This Christian thing is all about our relationship with God. And when you are walking with the Lord, you are focused on him. You're in constant communion with him. He's real to you! That's so different than what I would say modern Pharasaism would be—which is just the American church thing: going to church, keeping some basic rules (we don't do this; we don't do that; we don't say those things; we're against these things); and just adapting yourself to a church culture. That is completely different from really walking with God and having a vibrant relationship with Him.

Brooks: Speaking of the Pharisees, in Matthew 9:13, when Jesus confronted a group of Pharisees, he said, "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." What was his point to them?

Pastor Steve: Another one of the predominant characteristics of a Pharisee is that a Pharisee has a critical, judging spirit. And what they do is, they have their outward things they do—their own rules that they keep. And when other people don't keep those rules, their rules, then they judge them and they look down on them and they're critical of them. And Jesus said, "You weigh people down." And that's what he was talking about. He said, "You weigh them down with burdens, and they're too cumbersome—too heavy to bear." And that's not what Christianity is about. Christianity should be full of joy, and there should be life and liberty in it. But that's what the Pharisees did back then in their own way, and that's what Pharisees do today. When they're focused on certain outward laws and rules to keep, then they pick other people apart who don't keep those particular things that they deem as so important.

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Brooks: Back to sexual sin. In the article, you mention that one reason why sexual addicts become Pharisees is that they are deceived by their own efforts to hide their sin and pretend everything is OK. If you confronted a person who thought they were a "pretty good Christian" but only had a "small problem of sexual sin," what would you say to them?

Pastor Steve: I know that I would focus on the enormity of sin—the blackness of it, the evil nature of sin. And especially sexual sin...especially pornography, the pornography industry, all of it. It's black with Satan's touch. And I probably would come at it from that standpoint. So when you think about a Pharisee and a sexual addict...let's just look at these 2 people side by side. A Pharisee is walking in the flesh; he's not walking in the Spirit. And so everything he's doing is coming from a carnal mindset. Jesus told the Pharisees that they were "the blind leading the blind," and they were blinded by their own self-righteousness. And that's exactly what you're talking about: "I'm a pretty good guy." That's self-righteousness. That's different than the righteousness of God. A sex addict is deceived, because sin always deceives. Every time a person sins, whatever the kind of sin it is, it works deception into his soul and makes him increasingly more blind to the reality of his spiritual condition. So you have two different kinds of people that you would think have nothing in common...but what they have in common is that they're walking in the flesh and they're deceived by their own lifestyles and they are separating themselves from God.

Brooks: You also mentioned "powerless religion" in the article as a common characteristic of Pharisees and sexual addicts. When someone realizes that their Christian life has not been powerful enough to produce victory over sexual sin, what can they do?

Pastor Steve: Let me take you to something that Paul said. Remember that Paul had once been Saul the Pharisee. He knew what it meant to be a Pharisee, because he was a "Pharisee of Pharisees"—those were his words. And he eventually came to the place in his life where the Lord was able to show him that in his weakness, God's power would be manifested. That was completely the opposite of what Saul the Pharisee had lived in! He was strong in himself—his ability to keep the law, his ability to do all these outward things, and his ability to look righteous to other people. He was strong in that way, and God had to break him and break him and break him...and get him to the place of such weakness as a person that God's power could come through his life. That's the difference between powerful Christianity and powerless Christianity. So, for a guy in sexual sin, it's the same kind of thing; he's strong in himself—his "self life," his carnal nature, is strong and vibrant and in control. And that's got to be broken. So it's through the process of God breaking us down and weakening us that his power can come in and set us free from the hold of any kind of sin.