Replay: One day, Chris and Marissa's marriage came crashing down. But through the power of God, this brought about something beautiful.
Dustin Renz looks at Jeremiah 29 and the plans God has for our lives.
This episode: Sin's consequences often stirs up hard questions. In this episode we'll offer biblical answers to some of these questions.
Timeless Truths: God does not expect sinless perfection from us, but He does expect us to earnestly pursue a life of holiness.
This man’s wildest dream come true quickly turned into a nightmare from hell. If only he could have known where his dream would lead him.
A few years ago I heard a true story I will never forget. A group of people conspired to kidnap a certain wealthy, Long Island businessman in order to get a sizeable ransom. They arranged to have a young attractive woman invite him over to her house “to be entertained.” Even though he was a married man this was an offer he just couldn’t turn down. Here was a young beauty who was interested in him and was offering him her body. It was his wildest dream come true!
He followed her home and as he entered the house, her accomplices in this diabolical plot quickly jumped him like a pack of wolves. They then took him away to an abandoned apartment with thickly boarded up windows, so that his screams couldn’t be heard. For five days they tortured him and did unimaginable things to him. Although his wife came up with the money, in the end, his demented tormentors beat him to death. An autopsy report indicated that he had not drunk or eaten in five days.
As I consider what happened to this man, these sobering words from the book of Proverbs come to mind:
For the lips of a loose woman drip honey as a honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged and devouring sword. (Pr 5:3-4)
What started out as this man’s wildest dream come true, quickly turned into a tragic nightmare from hell. If only he could have seen behind the façade, if only he knew the plot of his dazzling temptress, if only he could have seen the path she was taking him, if only…!
Just like this unfortunate fellow, without God’s Word and His perspective on things, we too are vulnerable to the powerful allurement of sin. You would think after awhile we would catch on to this deception, when every day we see the consequences of sin all around us. We are much like unsuspecting fish, which fall for the nice, shiny lure in the water time and again.
Spurgeon said, “It is the sweetness of sin that makes it more dangerous. Satan never sells his poison naked, he always gilds them (makes them look pleasing to the eyes) before he vends them. Beware of pleasures. It is said that where the most beautiful cacti grow, there the most venomous snakes lurk. It is so with your sin. Your fairest pleasures will harbor your grossest sin and most grievous consequences.”
I remember when the AIDS epidemic started; people who were infected were dropping like flies. You would have thought this deadly disease would have curtailed men having sex with men, drug users sharing needles, and others getting involved in illicit sexual activities. Yet people kept right on pursing their sinful lifestyles, fully aware of the life-threatening risk involved.
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Undoubtedly, sexual lust is very powerful and deceptive. It’s intoxicating nature causes those entranced by it to see only the object of desire in front of them. It blinds them to everything and plunges them deeper and deeper into the “twilight zone” where they actually lose touch with reality. God, family and consequences fade into the background, while the fulfillment of their selfish desire takes center stage. They are willing to pursue their fantasy at the expense of those around them and even their own life.
We live in a world today in which we are constantly bombarded by objects that appeal to what the Bible calls the lust of the flesh (i.e. intense desires that spring up from our fallen nature; a longing for the forbidden), the lust of the eyes (i.e. the portal through which the outward things of this world, such as riches, pomp, and beauty, enter and inflame the human heart), and the pride of life (i.e. the fascination with vain, worldly pursuits of ambitious souls thirsting after honor and applause and who sit as king on the throne of their hearts).
The devil, who is fueling this propaganda machine, has been in the advertising business for thousands of years and is a master at selling his objects of desire. His M.O. hasn’t changed one bit since his first business deal in the Garden. The marketplace for His goods has remained wide-open with a never-ending supply of buyers lined up at the counter to purchase his gilded poison. He lurks at every corner—always planning, scheming, and setting his camouflaged traps to ensnare his next victim.
However, to get God’s perspective on things, we must look to His Word, which sheds light on the enemy’s deceptive advertising campaign against us. Without a doubt the young man in Proverbs 7 wasn’t walking in the light of God’s Word. Left to his own ways, his life headed down a dimly lit pathway, a course according to the principles of this world. Like the businessman from Long Island, he was open prey to what awaited him at the end of the street.
Passing along the street near her corner; And he took the path to her house, in the twilight, in the evening, in the black and dark night. And there a woman met him, with the attire of a harlot, and a crafty heart. (Pr 7:8-9)
The Bible tells us, “Your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” The problem is that he doesn’t come to us as a roaring lion; he comes in the “attire of a harlot, and with a cunning heart.” In other words he dresses up to appeal to the lust of the eyes with a hidden motive to seduce the affections and ensnare the soul. This harlot comes to us every day through the media, books, advertisement, the entertainment industry and yes, especially through the medium you are now utilizing to read this article: the Web!
The sales pitch is always the same. You know how it is when you’re out shopping. I always get leery when the salesperson comes up to me and starts to flatter me and tells me what a nice couple my wife and I make. The inference is always the same, “I’m really interested in you, I have what you want, and it won’t cost you anything. We have a special offer, no payments for 12 months!” The devil and this world speak the same lie: “It’s a dream come true! It will be long-lasting, and it will truly satisfy you! And most of all, there will be no consequences!”
Come, let us take our fill of love until morning; Let us delight ourselves with love. For my husband is not at home; He has gone on a long journey; He has taken a bag of money with him, and will come home on the appointed day. (Pr 7:18-20)
Like our man described here in Proverbs, millions plunge headlong every day, “Like an ox to the slaughter” pursuing the fleeting pleasures of sin and this world, not knowing there wildest dream will become a nightmare some day.
He did not know it would cost his life. (Pr 7:2)
The wisdom of God cries out on every corner to any who will listen:
My son, keep my words, And treasure my commands within you. Keep my commands and live, And my law as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; Write them on the tablet of your heart. Say to wisdom, "You are my sister," And call understanding your nearest kin, That they may keep you from the immoral woman, From the seductress who flatters with her words. (Pr 7:1-5)
When we obey this command, the Word of God rips the mask off the whore! It exposes the schemes of the enemy of our souls. Being hearers of the Word profits us nothing; we must be doers of His word. (James 1:22) So it is imperative that we saturate our minds with God’s truth and seek to implement it into our lives daily. Heeding God’s instruction is the only way that we can avoid falling into a deadly trap.
“For the waywardness of the naïve will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them. But he who listens to me shall live securely and will be at ease from the dread of evil.” (Pr 1:32-33 NASB)
The Cross represents both the Holy Spirit’s initial regeneration and also His ongoing work of conforming us into the image of Christ.
“What is your success rate at Pure Life Ministries?” the radio interviewer wanted to know. It was a question I had faced many times over the years. What he was really asking was, “How effective are your methods in helping men get free from sexual addiction?”
During my early years of ministry, I would hazard a guess (How could it be anything other than mere conjecture about something as secretive as sexual sin?) which usually ranged from 70% to 80%.
But this time I found myself offering an answer that astounded him, the audience and even me. “One hundred percent!”
“One hundred percent?” he asked, clearly skeptical.
“Yes. Every single man who acts upon the biblical practices we lay out for him and who comes to the Lord with a sincere desire for freedom is set utterly free from habitual sin.”
“And do you know what?” I continued, pressing my point. “If I didn’t believe that was true I would get out of this business. Scripture guarantees freedom for any who truly desire it. Men who are shown a clear-cut path to victory, who are allowed to live in an environment that supports and encourages a life of spiritual victory and who respond to the Lord’s dealings with them are going to receive the freedom they long for.”
“Let me ask you a question,” I said, turning the tables on the interviewer. “If a man goes through our program and never again returns to the sinful practices he was addicted to, and yet remains prideful, critical, resentful, lustful, in other words, he is still full of himself, would you place him in the victory column your equation offers?”
“No, I suppose I wouldn’t,” the host admitted.
“Christianity begins and ends in the heart,” I said earnestly. “A man may somehow find relief from an addiction, but if his heart hasn’t changed, what has really been accomplished?”
“Yeah, I see what you mean,” he added.
“I am a minister of the gospel; and as such my focus must be on the spiritual and eternal well-being of those who come to me for help,” I said, making a final point. “I am not in the business of helping people somehow attain a happier life on earth. I am called to lead them to Christ and into a life that is pleasing to God.”
That interview that day helped to define within me a conviction that had been growing for some time.
God’s idea of freedom is often much different than man’s shallow concepts. The Lord wants to see His children free from the underlying cause of habitual sin: the Self-life. The focus of the Lord’s dealings with a new believer is not so much the sin itself as it is the old sinful nature that provides it a safe haven in which to operate.
In my book, At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry, I made the point that sin flourishes within the Self-life:
“Dealing with sexual addiction in the Christian’s life can be compared to dealing with bedsores of those suffering from debilitating illnesses. You can treat these painful lesions with the latest ointments, creams, and bandages, but unless you cure the disease, the patient will stay bedridden and continue to suffer with such irritation. In the same way, sexual addiction is a by-product of a self-centered lifestyle. The person is addicted to illicit sex because he is consumed with SELF. You can ‘treat’ the sexual problem for the rest of your life, but until the selfish nature is dealt with, the propensity to sin will remain.”
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And isn’t this the whole point of the sanctification process a believer experiences? The Lord will constantly do His utmost to help the Christian “mortify the deeds” of the flesh. As this is occurring, He is filling the person with His Spirit. That is why a believer who has been filled with the Spirit exhibits the fruit of love, joy, patience, self-control and so on.
The reason some become so Christlike, while others stagnate is that we have been given a free will. While we cannot change ourselves, we must respond to and cooperate with the activity of the Holy Spirit in our lives.
What does all of this have to do with the Cross? The Cross represents both the Holy Spirit’s initial work of regeneration and also His ongoing work of conforming us into the image of Christ. Sin and the Self-life that harbors it are both dealt with at the Cross.
This process of sanctification involves ongoing repentance, surrender, submission, obedience and Self-denial. To the degree a believer cooperates with the Lord’s leading in these various disciplines he will become increasingly free from the tyrant of Self and increasingly full of the Holy Spirit.
This—and only this—is true freedom in the Kingdom of God; and this kind of inward freedom is only found at the Cross.
Homosexual desires begin in a variety of ways with different people. In this article we explore some of the different factors involved.
There is an ongoing debate between homosexual activists and leaders of the ex-gay movement over the origins of homosexual tendencies. The homosexual community staunchly contends that God created them the way they are, and therefore their behavior cannot be considered sinful. However, ex-gay ministers vehemently oppose this view. They believe that they were not created with same-sex desires but rather that certain impulses developed as a direct result of poor parent-child relationships in early childhood.
I humbly submit that both sides are right and both are wrong. Homosexual desires begin in a variety of ways with different people. Let’s explore some of the different factors involved with homosexuality.
Over the sixteen years I have been counseling men from a homosexual background, I have had many tell me that they had felt a sexual attraction to other men from as early as they can remember. How can this be? Traditional theology maintains that sin entered the human race at the Fall in the Garden. The infection has spread through to our generation. Consequently, all of us are predisposed to certain types of sin. There’s not a person alive who doesn’t have to overcome some inherent lust for sin. The fact that some individuals have a bent toward homosexual sin shouldn’t surprise us.
However, the idea that God purposely “created” some people to be homosexuals reveals a very weak (or perverted) understanding of traditional theology. Homosexual lust is a direct result of the Fall and those who choose to remain in that sin will be held responsible for their actions. Homosexual activists who argue that they are not culpable for their behavior are obviously very deceived—and apparently want to be.
Be that as it may, many gay men and women insist that they have always been attracted to the same sex. Young Betty is a case in point. By the time she was ten years old, Betty was a seasoned tomboy. She hated dolls, refused to wear dresses, and preferred to play cowboys and Indians with the neighborhood boys. When she wore blue jeans and a baseball cap, many people mistook her for a boy. This never seemed to bother her—she actually took it as a compliment.
Her masculine tendencies continued to grow stronger in her teenage years. Although she had always been a quiet, decent girl, she eventually fell in with a group of young lesbians who helped her to gain acceptance in the gay community.
Betty is an example of someone who had homosexual tendencies long before puberty and is a classic case of someone with a predisposition toward homosexual sin. Those who believe homosexuality is entirely a result of a “dysfunctional” family, would argue that had Betty been raised in a loving home, she wouldn’t have become a lesbian. That may very well be true. I know of some girls who were very tomboyish, who didn’t become lesbians (also sensitive men who didn’t pursue homosexuality). Perhaps with the proper love and acceptance, the young person will not feel the need to pursue that lifestyle.
However, the point remains that—for some people—there is a sexual/emotional attraction toward the same sex from their earliest days.
Many others involved in homosexuality come from the stereotypical family where there is a strong mother and a weak or absentee father. The absence of a good male role model seems to create a certain need inside some little boys in their formative years, which may lead them to seek acceptance through sexual activity with men later on.
Take Gene for example. The oldest of four children, he always longed to be close with his father and often wondered why his dad wasn’t warm, caring, and involved in his life like other fathers. Gene’s father rarely spent any time with the family—always too busy working, drinking, or having affairs with other women. So this meant that his mother had the dual task of disciplinarian and caregiver. A deep resentment began developing in the young boy’s heart toward his father.
Gene does not recall ever having a sexual attraction to men as a young boy. In fact, he looked forward to the day he could win some young girl’s heart. At age 10, he and one of his male cousins began to experiment sexually with each another. While many other boys do the same and go on to live heterosexual lives, Gene had discovered a way to gain “acceptance” from men and satisfy his desire to have sex. The lack of a father figure in his life made him very vulnerable to homosexuality.
At first, these desires lay dormant within him, but as he progressed into his teen years, his attraction to men grew. Although he was sexually active with several girls during this time, just after he turned 20, he had his first homosexual encounter as an adult. This experience set him on a course of perversion that would last for almost ten years. Eventually he found victory at our Residential Program.
Others are exposed to homosexuality as a result of being molested as young boys. Such experiences can ignite a homosexual lust, which is further inflamed by pornography, fantasy, and other similar encounters, as they grow older.
When he was nine years old, Matt was molested by his friend’s older brother. After that experience, he initiated homosexual encounters with other boys his age. He continued this habit throughout his teen-age years and on into adulthood.
Matt also cannot remember ever having any attraction toward men before this experience, but the difference between he and Gene was that his family definitely did not fit the stereotype mentioned above. Unquestionably, his problems began the day he was molested.
Jerry’s entrance into the realm of homosexuality was completely unforeseen. Even though he was a sexual addict, he was unquestionably the macho type—a “man’s man.” The thought of any sexual involvement with another man had always been repulsive to him. However, as his addiction to pornography and illicit sex grew, he found that the level of gratification he received from it began to diminish. As he continued to spiral downward, his craving for sex launched his curiosity for more degrading behavior.
Because he spent years watching couples have sex in pornographic videos, he became fascinated with men. He began having “bisexual” experiences in the movie arcades of adult bookstores. At first he only allowed homosexuals to gratify him. But, once he crossed that line, he became susceptible to further temptation. As his sexual encounters with women became less satisfying, his interest in men continued to grow. One day he finally gave over to his new lust. Before long, he became the aggressive homosexual in the bookstores looking for heterosexual men. His obsession with homosexuality became so powerful that he gave up heterosexual experiences altogether.
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Historically, homosexuality has always flourished in prosperous, licentious cultures. Over the past forty years homosexuality has spread like wildfire in America.
Are the staggering statistics of homosexuality a true indication of how many people are born that way—as the homosexual activists would have us believe—or is it simply that in today’s permissive society, many choose a lifestyle of perversion simply because it’s so readily accessible? I believe that the latter is the truth.
Michael’s story is a perfect picture of this. Although he was always a sensitive young boy, he never had any homosexual desires until some friends took him to a gay nightclub one night. Because he had always been a loner, this was the first time he had ever really felt accepted by others. This experience ushered him into the gay lifestyle which he embraced for many years, until eventually, he made an about-face. He became a Christian and started a ministry to help other men come out of homosexuality.
Regardless of how a man acquires homosexual lust, he still has a choice as to whether he will give himself over to it or not. James said, “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.” (James 1:14) As has already been stated, all of us are predisposed to certain types of sin. The lust for sin is inherent in every human being.
So, should we focus our attention on how homosexual sin originated? Absolutely not. It makes no difference if a person struggles with a lust for possessions, or power, or drugs, or homosexual sin. People who have a bent toward homosexuality must resist those desires which come out of their lower nature, repent of their sin, and commit themselves to living in obedience to God’s Word.
It is extremely important for pastors to instill hope in struggling men—even those who battle overwhelming bondage to sexual perversion.
Throughout my 19 years of ministering to men in sexual addiction, I have known many who felt like they had gone too far to ever find freedom. How does a pastor tell a man who has only ever known defeat that there is hope? How can he convey that God can set him free when everything in his life seems to be a mockery of that promise? It is extremely important for pastors to instill hope in struggling men—even those who battle overwhelming bondage to sexual perversion. But we must first understand why they feel like there’s no way out.
One of the difficulties with ministering to a sexual addict is that, because he has established a sinful behavior pattern for so many years, he gets to the place where he can’t imagine a life of purity. The towering, 90-foot image Nebuchadnezzar built is a picture of how enormous the idol of sexual sin can seem to a man. All of his activity is done under the shadow of its inescapable presence.
Moreover, along with an extensive history of illicit behavior, the addict’s repeated failures, broken promises, and false starts have created a defeatist mentality. He has tried to change many times in the past, but unfortunately, all his efforts to break free seem like a waste of time.
Another obstacle to victory is that sin pollutes every aspect of the addict’s life. Its contaminating presence ruins his best efforts to find the Deliverer and leads him down a path of further degradation. The more he sins, the more defeated he feels. And, the more defeated he feels, the less he wants to do right. So despite previous quests to find God, he eventually ends up back at his idol of sexual pleasure where his temple is defiled once more.
As if those factors weren’t enough to keep him in despair, he also has the enemy in his ear taunting and telling him that he’ll never be free. “Face it, there’s no hope for you. It doesn’t matter how much you try, you will fail! You might be able to get through today without going to that website, but it’s only a matter of time before you give in!” He encounters this sort of mental onslaught every time he determines to quit his behavior.
The final clincher to his hopelessness—the thought of this has brought me more personal grief than I can begin to articulate—is that his head is crammed with so many exaggerated promises by would-be spiritual teachers who have claimed that their book about freedom was “powerful” or that their seminar would be “life-changing.” Sadly, this undiscerning man doesn’t realize that what he has been given are either superficial, Band Aid answers or the wisdom of this world packaged as truth. How many times has he gotten his hopes up and believed such claims, only to be disappointed or even devastated by the lack of any real results?
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There is hope, however. I have been witnessing it for many years at Pure Life Ministries. While I cannot explain all that encompasses finding that freedom in the short confines of this article, I will briefly mention five important principles that pastors can pass on to their men. Amazingly, all five are the antitheses of the five reasons for hopelessness mentioned above.
A man battling some life-dominating problem must learn to get his eyes off the sin and onto the Lord. “Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.” (Colossians 3:2) Concentrating on the sin does not foster hope and may lead to further bondage. Focusing on the Deliverer is the answer!
A man who has gone down the convoluted stairway of sin must be shown through godly counsel how to walk back up—one step at a time! However, this is unfeasible without obedience. As he humbles himself and begins to obey God in little ways, he will find that obedience will become a way of life. And miraculously the disgusting filth of sin begins to vanish. Before he knows it, he will have climbed right out of that deep pit he once languished in. Conformity to God’s will heightens a man’s sense of victory—he can smell it!
A man needs to be taught how to go to God in deep repentance. What Christian man battling sexual sin hasn’t prayed David’s prayer? “Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.” (Psalm 51:2) But many have become well adept at minimizing the wrongness of their sin and have forgotten what real repentance is all about. Like obedience, it too must become a part of a man’s daily life.
One of the most important duties of the pastor is to help a man learn how to shut his ears to the demoralizing lies the devil whispers to him. Again, instead of focusing attention upon his overwhelming sin, encourage him to fix his gaze upon the Lord! A man who sincerely spends his time looking to Jesus will not wallow in hopelessness. As he focuses on the Lord, that mountain of sin is eventually reduced to a molehill. Perhaps that’s what Jesus was referring to when He said, “Truly I say to you, if you have faith, and do not doubt, you shall... say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and cast into the sea,’ it shall happen. And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive.” (Matthew 21:21-22) Such faith involves allowing God to reign supreme in the life and in the mind.
As the man lets go of man-made solutions and truly turns to the Lord with all his heart, he finds real victory. He will exclaim along with David: “O give us help against the adversary, for deliverance by man is in vain. Through God we shall do valiantly, and it is He who will tread down our adversaries.” (Psalm 60:11-12)
Is there hope for those in overwhelming bondage? Absolutely! As a minister of the gospel, you are in a wonderful position to help the man see that there is hope. Perhaps you don’t have a testimony of being freed from some life-dominating habit, but you can certainly testify to the fact that God has done a marvelous work inside you! A sincere word of testimony about what the Lord has done in your life will do more to instill hope in him than piles of books. Pray for him. Believe God to meet him in his need. And never stop pouring your life into him. You might be surprised at the results!
Are we becoming so wrapped up in self-preservation that we can no longer look outside ourselves at the very deep spiritual needs of others?
I recently read a book written by a woman who, for over twenty years, had lived with a man addicted to pornography. It was beautifully written and truly captured the pain a wife in such circumstances must endure. For instance, at one point she told of her visit to a clinic in a seedy part of town to be tested for AIDS. With great skill she wrote of her years of anguish, her sense of betrayal. She eloquently described—in almost romantic metaphor—the loss of the best years of her life being married to an utterly self-centered man who cared little for her and their children. The story was, to say the least, gripping. Having experienced this myself, I could easily relate to what she was describing.
My first reaction was anger: I was mad at this man for how his utter selfishness ruined this family. Didn’t he care about this woman’s feelings? Was it so much to ask of him to consider someone other than himself?
As I was nearing the completion of this book, I happened to read an article on which my husband was working. He was expressing the great importance of rescuing souls who are bound up in chains of darkness, on their way to hell. In stunning detail he depicted what hell would be like for this man. Reading his article reminded me of the urgency of our work at Pure Life Ministries: someone must rescue these lost souls before they plunge into a Christless eternity!
As I read his commentary, I found my mind drifting over to the man about whom this woman had written. Something happened in my heart: I was convicted about my calloused reaction to him. It was true that this guy was a real jerk, but Jesus died for sinners like him: prostitutes, drug addicts, thieves and murderers. Such people have made up a good portion of the Church for two thousand years.
As I considered her book and Steve’s article, it became very clear to me how opposite the messages of each were to each other: the contrast was stark. Stripped to their barest form, the focus of one was temporal while the other was eternal. Of course, it goes without saying that there is a legitimate place for believers to be concerned about temporal needs. But when we get right down to it, who should be the real object of pity in this story—the family or the man?
I regularly receive letters from broken-hearted wives who have been devastated by their husband’s unfaithfulness. The cry of their heart is, “What can I do? It hurts so much! I just want a godly husband and a good marriage.” I remember so well experiencing those feelings myself. My heart always goes out to these hurting women.
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And yet, over the years I have seen a disturbing trend emerging. It seems that there is an increasing consciousness about the wife’s happiness and a growing lack of concern over the eternal destiny of the husband. They say, “He has made his bed, let him lie in it. He chooses to do these things,” etc.
And yet, it has become a very rare occurrence to have a wife write: “My husband is in deep spiritual trouble and I am concerned that he is heading for destruction or even hell. Can you and your staff please, please pray for his soul? If he doesn’t get right with God what hope does my family have anyway?”
I hate to be the one to say this (I am certain I will get a pile of angry letters), but someone has to say it: How can wives decry their husband’s selfishness (as obvious and blatant as it is) without seeing their lack of concern for his eternal destiny? How can they mourn over their own personal pain and have so little concern about the fact that their husbands are owned by the enemy to do his evil will? Yes, a happy marriage is a wonderful thing, but it is not the most important thing.
Jesus Himself left the ninety nine to go after the one. Well, didn’t the one wander off on his own? Didn’t he, like most stupid sheep go his own way? Yes, true to his nature, he wandered; there he was on his way to destruction. But Jesus, being a good shepherd went after him.
I remember years ago when I was in the depths of despair, begging God to take away the pain, He spoke to me and made it so real to me what my husband was facing. The Lord sweetly nudged me to get my eyes off of myself. He promised He would take care of me. He wasn’t going to let this pain kill me, but I needed to look somewhere else. As I feebly looked to the Lord and tried to look beyond the physical, temporal realm, all I could see was spiritual devastation! He was ruined and on his way to hell. This whole thing took on a new perspective for me. It really wasn’t about me at all, but it was about a man deceived by the enemy. And that enemy wanted me to become so wrapped up in myself and my feelings and my life that I would lose sight of what was really going on. Armed with this new perspective, I began to pray. I began to care on a completely different level than I had ever cared before. I understood the grip pornography had on him and understanding it spiritually took the sting out of it personally. Of course, now there was a greater purpose involved.
So much of the help for wives available today focuses upon how they should erect boundaries to protect themselves from their husbands’ sin. And, kept in its proper place, this kind of teaching can be helpful. But my concern is that the underlying principle leads a woman to believe that protecting herself is the most vital issue involved. Are we becoming so wrapped up in self-preservation that we can no longer look outside ourselves at the very deep spiritual needs of others? Are we allowing temporal happiness to take precedence over the possibility of eternal damnation?
I believe the Lord wants us to have happy marriages. I have one for which I am extremely grateful. But the happiness of our marriages should be secondary to our concern for the eternal well-being of sinners. The primary battle for the hurting wife should not be to protect herself; it should be to see the lost sinner snatched from the burning fire!
The wives I have dealt with over the years do not have the luxury that I have been afforded of seeing desperate men struggling to be free of a powerful addiction. They typically don’t see the great, internal battles that they face. During my time at Pure Life Ministries, I have been a first-hand witness to hundreds of men doing their utmost to find freedom.
Most wives that contact us are simply overwhelmed with a miserable situation. It certainly is not wrong to want one’s husband to live a respectable and decent life. But as we approach that great Throne of Grace, let’s do our utmost to look at our situations with an eye to the eternal.
When pleasure is the main focus of a person's daily existence, it will rot away everything that is wholesome and spiritual in their lives.
It should be understood at the outset that pleasure has its rightful place in life. However, problems arise when it is given more importance in a person’s daily life than what is proper and allowable.
People who are addicted to viewing pornography are lovers of pleasure at heart. In fact, it is impossible for a porn addict not to be ensnared by the love of pleasure.
Making pleasure the most important aspect of one’s life could be compared to a teenager who thinks he can live on candy bars and soda pop. True, he won’t drop dead within a few days of such an unhealthy diet, but his quality of life will be seriously impaired. The constant intake of sugar will gradually rot his teeth, deplete his overall energy level, and could even lead to something serious such as diabetes. Worse than that, by substituting healthy food with sweets, his body will not receive the nutrition that is required to ward off sickness and to sustain life. Undoubtedly, the results of such a lifestyle would be a sickly life and an untimely death.
In the same way, pleasurable experiences are meant to be the dessert of life. Kept in its proper perspective, it is balanced by the staples of the healthy spiritual diet of prayer, Bible reading, church attendance, deeds of kindness, giving of tithes and offerings, and so on. However, when gratification becomes the main focal point of one’s daily existence, it not only rots a person’s spiritual life, but it eventually chokes out everything that is wholesome.
Jesus said that the love of pleasure chokes out the Word of God. (Luke 8:14) James told his constituents that their love for pleasure thwarted their prayers and kept them in a spirit of lust. (James 4:1-3) The writer of Hebrews held Moses up as an example to us all when he said that he chose “rather to endure ill-treatment with the people of God, than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin.” (Hebrews 11:25) The apostle Paul spoke of those who are “enslaved to various lusts and pleasures.” (Titus 3:3)
While these passages are each uniquely profound, it is Paul’s prophetical words in 2 Timothy 3:4-5 that are most alarming. There the apostle speaks of those alive in the last days who would be “lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God; holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power…”
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The sobering truth is that, when seeking pleasure becomes the emphasis in one’s life, a person’s love for God becomes corrupted. The apostle John expressed something similar when he said, “If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.” (1 John 2:15b-16)
Both of these inspired writers were speaking of the same spiritual phenomena: the desire for worldly pleasures nullifies one’s ability to be in a true, loving relationship with God. Their outward “form of godliness” might remain intact, but in reality, the person’s spiritual life becomes gutted of the power that comes from godly living.
Pornography is extremely addictive because of the intense pleasure it provides. However, those who have fallen into its clutches can attest to the fact that, while it does indeed provide a source of temporary gratification, the long term consequences are the loss of one’s spiritual health and vitality.
There simply cannot be any sustained intimacy with God as long as a man indulges in a life given over to pleasure and pornography.
Men who indulge in sexual sin often fail to see the devastating effects their actions have on their wives and children.
Proverbs 15:3 "The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch upon the evil and the good." (RV)
When I reflect on this verse, I cannot imagine how it must grieve and break God’s heart to see all the unspeakable evil that goes on behind closed doors throughout the world today.
New technology - makes it so easy for men to indulge in all kinds of sexual fantasies and perversion. There’s instant pleasure right at their fingertips 24 hours a day. Sadly enough, men who choose to go this route, don’t to consider the devastating effects their actions will have on their wives and children down the road.
While counseling at Pure Life Ministries, the Lord allowed me to enter into the lives of wives grievously affected by their husbands’ sexual sin. Many of the stories heard were heartbreaking, especially when innocent children were exposed to their fathers’ dirty “little” secret accidentally.
Little Debbie didn’t have a clue what she was going to find when she asked her mom if she could watch a video. After she was done with her homework, she ran downstairs to the TV room. As she was about to pop in a movie, she noticed that one was already in the player. Debbie thought to herself, “Maybe I’ll just watch what’s here.” She pushed play and to her surprise began looking at something she’d never seen before. She cried out for her mom to come and see. Her mother could hardly believe her eyes. It was a porn video that her husband had watched one day while they were out grocery shopping; he had forgotten to put away. She was devastated that her daughter had been exposed to such filth—right under her very own roof!
Lorraine, a blossoming 14-year-old, was starving for her daddy’s love. But he was always working and never seemed to have time for his family. One night, her dad couldn’t sleep and decided to check on the kids. Suddenly, Lorraine was awakened by the caresses of her father; she pretended to be asleep—too afraid to say or do anything. Frightened and confused, she thought “Why is my daddy doing this to me?”
Eric was a serious-minded child who really looked up to his father. When asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, his replied “I want to be just like my daddy.” Late one night Eric was awakened by a noise downstairs. Curiosity got the best of him, and he tiptoed downstairs to see what was going on. He peeked behind the wall of the living room to find dad masturbating to pornography. Eric dashed back upstairs; he didn’t know what to make of this. The next night, he caught his dad in action once again. Does Eric ever mention this to his mother? Or does he follow in his dad’s footsteps?
In each of these three scenarios, the fathers had no idea how their sin would impact their kids emotionally and spiritually. But Apostle Paul gives a warning in Galatians 6:7,8: “Do not be deceived. God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to the flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.” In my years of counseling with hurting wives, some of the issues that I have seen as a result of sexual sin have reinforced the truth of this passage of Scripture.
So what happened with little Debbie, Lorraine and Eric when they grew up? Little Debbie became a curious adolescent and began sneaking around the house hunting for magazines and videos that her daddy had stashed away. She began reading Teen Magazine, Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, and so forth to get the latest tips on how to look sexy. Consequently, she developed the warped mentality that the only way to be loved, approved of and accepted by men was through her body. In a sick, twisted way Debbie found her self-worth by being promiscuous.
Lorraine who was once an outgoing, bubbly little girl became quiet, withdrawn and fearful of others. She grew very bitter and was resentful towards authority figures. There was a long period in which she literally hated men and everything they stood for. Finally, she fell in love and married a really neat guy who loved her very much. However, her husband had no idea that she saw sex as something dirty and ugly. She was so repulsed by what had happened to her as a child that she didn’t enjoy sexual intimacy with her husband.
Eric had the courage to tell his mom all about his dad’s late night activities in the living room. When she confronted her husband, he became furious and called Eric a boldfaced liar. Eric swore that he would never say another word about it. But deep down in his heart, he harbored bitterness and anger towards his parents for not believing him. He also became disrespectful toward them as he witnessed their constant bickering and as his dad spent more time away from the home.
I have received numerous first time calls from wives who are afraid to expose their husband’s sin. Is your husband struggling with sexual addiction? Have your children already been exposed to your husband’s pornography? I pray that after reading this article you will have the courage to face the realities of your husband’s sexual sin and the damage it will do to your kids if he doesn’t do something about it now.
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In Exodus 34:6, 7 we read “the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering and abounding in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation.” These two verses reveal to us that God is indeed a God of mercy, truth and justice.
God will have mercy on anyone willing to repent. The Greek word for repent is metanoia which means a change or alteration of mind from evil to good or from worse to better because of the consequences of one’s sin.
As a member of the counseling team at Pure Life Ministries, I had the privilege of seeing men repent of their sins and choose to walk in the light and in truth as they experience God’s mercy and justice in their lives. The Lord has wonderfully restored many marriages and families through the Residential Program, the Overcomers-at-Home Program and the Wives Program.
It is my testimony that God is able to take the worst thing that has ever happened to you or your children and turn it around for good as if it had never happened.
When a man wants freedom from life-dominating sin, cheap shortcuts simply will not stand the test of time.
The concerned expression on the man’s face is one I have seen many times over the years. He is convinced he needs to enter the Pure Life Ministries’ Residential Program but is grieved about its length—almost frantically trying to negotiate a more reasonable compromise. “I could see coming for 30 days or even three months,” he complains, “but why, why does it have to be nine months long?”
I asked that same question of the Lord in 1989 when He directed me to begin our Residential Program in the hills of northern Kentucky. I honestly didn’t know if anyone would be willing to leave home for that long. In spite of my misgivings, I couldn’t escape the definite sense that the Lord was directing me.
After all these years I can now understand God’s wisdom in this. The simple answer is that a man will not experience the level of heart change he needs in a shorter period of time. The men who come to us to escape sexual sin need a complete transformation in the way they do life. Cheap shortcuts simply will not stand the test of time. There are many reasons I could mention to support the length of the program, but I will mention just a few.
First, dislodging addictive thinking takes time. It has taken years to establish the thinking patterns that have kept a man’s addiction stubbornly lodged within his life. Reading a good book, hearing a powerful sermon, attending a sexual addiction seminar or even going to a 30-day treatment center are not going to change the way a man views life. It is possible that he might be nudged in the right direction, but the notion that someone can suddenly change deeply entrenched habits of thinking in a short period of time is illusionary.
An addiction is a lifestyle that has been built upon learned reactions to outside stimuli. The man has repeatedly trained himself over the years to give in to temptations that come his way. Each indulgence in sin further strengthens the grip of the sin. “Ruts” are actually carved into his brain through habitual behavior. Nothing short of a prolonged separation from those enticements will allow his learned responses to change. Living in a godly environment, separated from those allurements, gives a man the opportunity he needs to break free from past destructive habit patterns.
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Second, freedom from habitual sin comes only through the power of God. There is no psychological gimmick that can provide the inward transformation an addict needs. Most men who come to us looking for help have been attending church for years and they can’t understand why God hasn’t set them free. What most don’t realize is that they have only skimmed the surface of Christianity. Their sin has kept them separated from the Lord. They have been flouting His authority in their lives and, at the same time, have been demanding He set them free from their sinful practices.
Two vital components to freedom come into play during a man’s stay at our residential center. For one thing, God’s presence is strong at Pure Life Ministries. Our staff spends hours every week seeking the Lord for His presence and interceding for the men in our program. So a guy arrives at Pure Life Ministries—dejected, hopeless, confused, full of spiritual darkness—and he has no idea the level of spiritual light he’s walking into! But as powerful as this atmosphere can be, a man who has soaked long in the cesspool of pornographic perversion must now soak long in God’s presence. Being internally cleansed of that filth simply takes time.
The other aspect to this is that most men who come to our residential center have attended church—done the evangelical, Christian thing—for years, while at the same time, maintaining a vibrant life of secret sin. That double-minded way of living the Christian life must be unlearned, and a new Christ-filled life must be learned and maintained long enough for it to become a lasting lifestyle. This requires a complete overhaul in the way one does life, and that does not happen in thirty days!
Finally, there is an emotional dynamic that comes into play when a man first begins breaking away from habitual sin. A man’s stay in the Residential Program is almost predictable. As I already mentioned, most men arrive at our facility with very little hope that anything in their lives will actually change. Then, as they begin talking to other students and begin experiencing God’s presence, they start to get excited about the very real prospect that they are going to find the freedom they have long hoped for. This excitement—as is true of all emotions—eventually wears off as he enters the “endurance” stage of the program.
One of the common characteristics of Christian sex addicts is that their lives have been controlled by their feelings. If they “feel” like obeying God, they do. If they “feel” like indulging in sin, they do that. Their lives tend to be a roller-coaster, with no more stability than the waves of the sea. This is why they can sit in a powerful worship service on Sunday morning and be surfing pornographic websites that very night.
A victorious life in Christ cannot be maintained through such untrustworthy emotions. The staff is always happy to see a man filled with hope and excitement about getting free, but we know from years of experience that this period of excitement is going to wear off. It is absolutely vital that he is in the safe environs of the Residential Program when that happens. I can’t tell you how many men I have seen squander their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to find freedom because they left the program during the excitement stage. “I got this thing,” a man recently boasted as he was packing his car. Of course, within two weeks he had fallen back into his old habits.
This period of learning to endure through fluctuating feelings and various circumstances is so important because it is reflective of what real life will be like when he returns home. While the man is in the program he is learning to overcome temptations without being buoyed by emotions. A man who can overcome during the drudgery of life in the program is well on his way to being able to overcome in the drudgery of life he will face at home.
Phase Two of the Residential Program also plays a key role in preparing the student to live in sustained victory. He has experienced the exhilaration of seeing light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. He has learned to go through the difficulties of life without caving in to temptation. In the final phase of the program he begins preparing for life in the “real world” in earnest. All three of these stages he will experience provide important aid in his quest for freedom.
Because that’s how long it takes to quit thinking and responding like an addict. Because that’s how long it takes soaking in the presence of God to flush out the filth. Because that’s how long it takes to learn to live in victory even in the down times. Because that’s how long it takes to establish the kind of victorious life with God that will last a lifetime.
"When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart" testifies that there is hope for the most dejected of souls and the bleakest of marriages.
I don’t mind it at all that you “dumped on me.” I know what it is like to have a “bad day” while facing such “waves of pain” as you shared in your letter. You probably feel as though you’re drowning in an ocean of despair with no rescue in sight. Believe me, I have been there many times in the past. I wish I would’ve had someone to talk to when my waves hit.
I can understand your being baffled by all your troubles, wondering “What is the point of it all?” At first glance, the option to just throw up your hands and walk away seems very appealing when you consider all the misery you’re likely to suffer by staying with your husband. But, let me ask you something: what has kept you from giving up after fifteen years of grief in this marriage? What has been your motivation to hold on? I think you will agree with me that it’s more than a wife’s natural commitment to marriage; there must be something deeper.
It goes without saying that the Lord leads different wives to respond to their husband’s sin in different ways. He often releases wives from their marriage vows who are suffering the pain of infidelity.
In your case, it seems that He has asked you to remain in the marriage. You are one of those rare people who has been able to grasp the good that God can accomplish inside you through an ordeal such as this. Perhaps you’ve not given up because deep in your heart you know that God is doing something very wonderful inside of you. So despite how much it hurts, you don’t want to move from under the Potter’s hands. I remember in one of our conversations you said to me, “As much as this hurts, I know God is purging me of stuff that He could not have gotten at in any other way.” How precious those words must have been to the Lover of your soul!
The most intimate and wonderful experiences that I have ever had with the Lord happened when I was in the throes of total anguish and absolute helplessness. What a bitter-sweet existence it was during those times. Although I longed for the suffering to end, I realized when it was over that the strong sense of the Lord’s nearness was diminishing. It is the joy of such closeness that drives us to seek God through pain; there is nothing quite like it. The amazing fruit that comes from our lives through the suffering is well worth the pain. Most women just want it to go away! I understand that too.
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We have all heard nice sermons about God’s love and faithfulness, but if it isn’t worked into our hearts it just becomes more head knowledge. It is the very kind of suffering you are currently experiencing that allows the Holy Spirit to do a powerful work within a believer. God is imparting to you a knowledge of Himself which simply cannot be learned through sermons or books. He is doing a deep and precise work in your soul, carefully molding you into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. One day you will appreciate what God has done in your inward life—even more than you would ever appreciate having a “good marriage.” The apostle Paul, who endured so much for Christ’s sake, testified: “For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.” (II Corinthians 1:5) We sense the presence of God in such a powerful way when He allows us to experience pain because our sights are fixed upon the One who is able to comfort us in all our distresses.
Another major blessing in all you’re going through is the way the Lord will be able to use you one day to help others who are experiencing the same thing. There is something about suffering that creates a beautiful attraction to other people in need. It will amaze you how other hurting wives will seem to come from nowhere to seek your advice. Paul went on to write that our heavenly Father “comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (II Corinthians 1:4)
This reminds me of the true story of Corrie and Betsy Ten Boom, two sisters who endured unspeakable suffering in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II. As Betsy was dying, she turned to Corrie and said, “We must tell them, Corrie—anyone who will listen. They will believe us because we have been there.”
So, Melody, be encouraged and know that God is developing a powerful testimony in you. It is His sustaining power that is keeping you through the deepest waters. And you will discover that His love goes beyond any fleeting happiness resulting from favorable outward circumstances.
I pray that God will grant you the strength to hold onto that which now seems most painful but in the end will turn out to be that which best serves your soul.
If you will press through the obstacles and keep crying out to God with persistent, believing faith, your deliverance is coming!
“The worst thing you can do with (people involved in pornography) is lecture them about praying more or asking God for help. They’ve already done that, often to the point of despair.”
Such were the blasphemous words of a “Christian” therapist who went on to assert that the only real hope for sexual addiction is found through psychotherapy.
There is no mistaking the inference here: God is not trustworthy. You can cry out to Him until you’re blue in the face and nothing is going to happen. Such sentiments are extremely poisonous to one’s faith and paralyze the hungry soul from believing God for deliverance.
How contrary such thinking is to the truths found in Scripture! The writer of Hebrews directly addressed this very issue when he wrote: “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (4:15-16)
When a beggar comes to the door of a rich man known for his benevolence, he comes forward with a certain degree of confident expectation. He is driven, not by arrogant presumption, but by need. It is this sense of desperation to which the wealthy man responds. A sense of one’s need coupled with a belief that the other person is willing to meet that need is the basis of all believing prayer. God delights to see people come to Him with this kind of trust and faith. C.H. Spurgeon put it this way:
“How very small, after all, is this demand which God makes of us. Ask! Why, it is the least thing He can possibly expect of us, and it is no more than we ordinarily require of those who need help from us. We expect a poor man to ask; and if he does not, we lay the blame of his lack upon himself. If God will give for the asking, and we remain poor, who is to blame? Do you know what great things are to be had for the asking? Have you ever thought of it? Does it not stimulate you to pray fervently? All heaven lies before the grasp of the asking man; all the promises of God are rich and inexhaustible, and their fulfillment is to be had by prayer.”
Consider the story of the “woman with the issue of blood.” (Mark 5:24-34) Though driven to Jesus primarily by physical need, her situation is very comparable to the person who struggles with habitual sexual sin. In the Jewish culture of Jesus’ time, this woman was considered unclean. In fact, anyone who touched her would have to undergo an elaborate ceremonial cleansing.
For twelve long years, she suffered with her affliction. Having already visited all the “professionals,” she had tried every remedy offered by man. Her story closely resembles those of sexual addicts who typically exhaust man’s wisdom before finally turning in desperation to God.
One day, she heard that the Healer was in town. It should be noted here that her day undoubtedly began the same way as hundreds before it. She would have long since lost any hope—destined to remain unclean the rest of her life. She had no indication that anything would be any different this day.
I was there once myself: unclean with no hope that anything could ever change. I too tried the “experts” with letters behind their names—all to no avail. Once my uncleanness became real to me and I realized man could not change me, there was nothing I could do but throw myself on the mercy of God. It was then, in my spiritually weakened condition, that I reached out and took hold of His garment.
As she approached, she saw a vast throng of people surrounding the Savior. In her weakened condition it must have seemed impossible to reach this Man. Imagine if, in the process, this poor woman would have come across someone like the faithless therapist mentioned above. She probably would have been told, “There’s no sense in going to this Jesus. He can’t help you!” Perhaps these words of empty counsel would have provided just enough discouragement to paralyze her. Isn’t that exactly what the devil would want?
But she had heard the reports about Jesus and she believed. Having tried all the self-appointed specialists, she instinctively knew that only God could help her. A singular thought compelled her: “If I can just touch His garments, I will be healed.” It was faith that drove her to the Redeemer, something this therapist apparently could not understand.
Desperate people like this woman learn not to be denied. She was determined to persist, regardless of the obstacles. It’s very possible that the prayer of the Psalmist energized her that day: “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” (Psalm 27:13) This is the kind of determination that men in habitual sexual sin need to find their deliverance. By simply refusing to be denied, this woman both learned and demonstrated the secret of tapping into the power of God: faith. Charles Spurgeon speaks of this:
“If it had not been for faith, she would not have been earnest and importunate. Faith hangs on to Christ in the dark, it holds to a silent Christ, it holds to a refusing Christ, it holds to a rebuking Christ, and it will not let him go. Faith is the great holdfast that hooks a soul on to the Savior…
“Faith is like the Greek in the days of Xerxes, who seized the boat with his right hand. When they chopped off the right hand, he seized it with the left hand; when they cut off the left hand, he laid hold of the boat with his teeth, and did not let go until they severed his head from his body. Soul, if thou canst lay hold of Christ with thy right hand, or with thy left hand, it will be well with thee. Cling to Christ, and say to him with that holy boldness that is the result of faith, ‘I will not let thee go except thou bless me.’”
The truth is that this woman was too frail to press through that mob, but there was an unseen Hand which made a path for her—the same Hand which will always help the sincere prodigal find his way home. It was her faith that caused her to hold onto that Hand.
Finally, she miraculously made her way through the vast throng of people to the Savior. She had one chance. One second longer and He would be gone—along with all her hopes. But she seized her opportunity. The quivering hand reached out and touched His garment. Instantly, she felt the warm flow of God’s power rush through her body. It wasn’t a mere superficial remedy, either. The Lord’s healing power went right to the root of the problem.
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Perhaps your soul has uncleanness clinging to it, just like this woman’s body. Following her example of perseverance, you too must press through the obstacles to lay hold of the Master’s robe. Your healing will most likely take place over time—as you hold onto His garment. The secret is persistent, believing faith. Keep crying out to Him for your deliverance! Look upon that Face which radiates the intense love of God and listen to that Voice brimming with compassion.
Yes, it is true, you have sinned. You have no right to come before Him. And yet, what is also true is that He awaits you there. God’s throne truly is a throne built upon grace. Humble yourself before Him. Throw yourself upon His mercy. And you will find help in your time of need. I will conclude with a passage from my book, At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry:
“I once thought that all of the trips I made to the altar crying out for God’s help were a waste of time. Then as I re-examined those isolated incidents, I came to realize that those trips to the altar were instrumental in bringing about my deliverance! If you really want to be set free from the bondage of sexual sin, cry out to God daily. Do it today! Do it now! Your cries will be heard!”
In the 1980's, two men scripted a sophisticated strategy to overcome all opposition to the total acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle.
“All churches who condemn us will be closed,” boasted Michael Swift in a February 1987 issue of the Gay Community News. He went on to write, “We shall sodomize your sons.... We shall seduce them in your schools, in your dormitories, in your gymnasiums, in your locker rooms, in your sports arenas, in your seminaries, in your youth groups…”(1)
The outrageous claims of this now-infamous article were dismissed by most readers at the time as so much bombastic nonsense. However, exactly one year later, a “war conference” was held outside Washington D.C. by 175 of the nation’s leading homosexual activists to lay out a strategy to homosexualize America.
Among those in attendance were two men who believed they knew how to accomplish this goal. Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen laid out what they considered to be a surefire method of overcoming all opposition to the total acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle.
“Kirk and Madsen were not the kind of drooling activists that would burst into churches and throw condoms in the air,” writes David Kupelian for World Net Daily. “They were smart guys – very smart. Kirk, a Harvard-educated researcher in neuropsychiatry, worked with the Johns Hopkins Study of Mathematically Precocious Youth and designed aptitude tests for adults with 200+ IQs. Madsen, with a doctorate in politics from Harvard, was an expert on public persuasion tactics and social marketing.”(2)
Kirk and Madsen emerged from the conference with a mandate to lay out their strategy to the homosexual community. Their original article was developed and expanded into a best-selling book entitled, After the Ball: How America Will Conquer Its Fear and Hatred of Gays in the ’90s.
“The campaign we outline in this book,” they write, “though complex, depends centrally upon a program of unabashed propaganda, firmly grounded in long-established principles of psychology and advertising.”(3) Their book became known as the Gay Manifesto.
The strategy that Kirk and Madsen devised called for three basic steps: desensitizing, “jamming” and converting.
Desensitization required presenting a constant, positive image of homosexuals to the American public. This tactic has been successfully employed in, and assisted by, the media. It began with TV programs such as “Will and Grace” and “Queer As Folk” that presented likeable gay characters to win the hearts of their viewers. In short, television producers have effectively sold the American people on the idea that gays are really no different than “straights.”
“The main thing is to talk about gayness until the issue becomes thoroughly tiresome,” Kirk and Madsen write. “If you can get [straights] to think homosexuality is just another thing—meriting no more than a shrug of the shoulders—then your battle for legal and social rights is virtually won.”
Just as important in their overall scheme has been the ploy of “jamming” their opponents; in other words, discrediting and defaming anyone who disagrees with them. “We intend to make the antigays look so nasty that average Americans will want to disassociate themselves from such types.”(4) Exactly how would they accomplish this feat? They would characterize conservatives and Christians as “homohating bigots.” Kirk and Madsen write: “[Our propaganda] can show them being criticized, hated, shunned. It can depict gays experiencing horrific suffering as the direct result of homohatred—suffering of which even most bigots would be ashamed to be the cause.”
A perfect example of this is the movie “Philadelphia,” in which actor Tom Hanks plays a suffering homosexual who is being egregiously persecuted by fellow lawyers. Hanks played the part so effectively that audiences were left feeling overwhelming sympathy for the plight of the homosexual and tremendous disdain for those who oppose their lifestyle. The film industry rewarded Hanks with an Academy Award for his stellar performance. Finally, according to the strategy developed by Kirk and Madsen, people must be converted from merely sympathizing into overtly supporting the gay community. The activist-writers predicted there would be a mass public change of heart, “if we can actually make them like us.”
“We mean conversion of the average American’s emotions, mind, and will, through a planned psychological attack, in the form of propaganda fed to the nation via the media,” they continue. “We mean ‘subverting’ the mechanism of prejudice to our own ends – using the very processes that made America hate us to turn their hatred into warm regard – whether they like it or not.”
The temptation at this point is to accept at face value the claims of gay activists that all they want is equal protection under the law. However, they have long since won that battle. The truth is, they want much more: the complete silencing of opposing voices.
Kirk and Madsen call for a two-pronged approach to neutralizing the Christian-led opposition.
First, they must “muddy the moral waters… [by] publicizing support for gays by more moderate churches” and “raising theological objections of our own about conservative interpretations of biblical teachings.”
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“This has been done with amazing success in mainline Protestant denominations, such as in the Episcopal Church USA, United Methodist Church, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, and the Presbyterian Church USA,” writes Ed Vitigliano of the American Family Association. “Homosexual activists in each of these major denominations have so clouded the issues regarding the biblical view of homosexuality as to threaten each with schism and ruin.”
Ultimately, conservative denominations and organizations which continue to resist this denigration of moral values must be viciously defamed: “At a later stage of the media campaign for gay rights—long after other gay ads have become commonplace—it will be time to get tough with remaining opponents,” write Kirk and Madsen. “To be blunt, they must be vilified.”
The final step in the strategy to silence all opposition is to push for legislation that will actually criminalize criticism of the homosexual lifestyle. In this aspect of the plan, gay activists have a willing supporter in the mainstream news.
For example, after the tragic 1998 murder of homosexual student Matthew Shepherd, Katie Couric of NBC’s Today Show interviewed Wyoming Governor Jim Geringer. She asked, “Some gay rights activists have said that some conservative political organizations like the Christian Coalition, the Family Research Council and Focus on the Family are contributing to this anti-homosexual atmosphere by having an ad campaign saying if you are a homosexual you can change your orientation. That prompts people to say, ‘If I meet someone who’s homosexual, I’m going to take action to try to convince them or try to harm them.’ Do you believe that such groups are contributing to this climate?” It goes without saying that the posing of a question like this on the national media has a tremendous impact on the public’s perspective of the Church.
The accumulated impact of Kirk and Madsen’s highly successful strategy has brought so much pressure on lawmakers that a number of states have already passed “Hate Crimes” laws. Other nations are even further along in this process.
Sweden’s parliament, on the cutting edge of homosexual rights, passed a similar bill in 2002. This law criminalized “hate speech,” including anything expressed in “church sermons.”
The following year, a Pentecostal pastor named Ake Green delivered a message to his congregation in which he described homosexuality as “abnormal, a horrible cancerous tumor in the body of society.” He went on to say that they were “perverts, whose sexual drive the Devil has used as his strongest weapon against God.”
While his wording may be harsh, Pastor Green should still have the right to rail against the evils of the day in his own church. Public prosecutor Kjell Yngvesson disagreed, reportedly saying: “One may have whatever religion one wishes, but [the sermon] is an attack on all fronts against homosexuals. Collecting Bible [verses] on this topic as he does makes this hate speech.”
This is the legal environment to which America (and indeed, all of Western Civilization) has found itself. What can Christians expect to face in the future? “Their campaign,” states David Kupelian, “will not end until Christians and other traditionalists opposing homosexuality are shut up, discredited, and utterly silenced…”
Steve Warren, a spokesman for the homosexual group ACT UP, wholeheartedly agrees: “We have captured the liberal establishment and the press. We have already beaten you on a number of battlefields. And we have the spirit of the age on our side. You have neither the faith nor the strength to fight us, so you might as well surrender now.”
While his conclusion is unthinkable, his analysis of our condition may very well be accurate. I pray that there will be those who will continue to stand for righteousness, fighting for lost souls and speaking the truth about sexual sin. But I fear that too many will remain silent, cowering in the face of homosexual intimidation. May God grant us courage to withstand this rising tide of evil.
I know the hopelessness you are facing. In spite of repeated promises to quit, you’re still trapped in a habit of porn and masturbation.
My Beloved Brother,
I write this letter with tears in my eyes because I know firsthand the hopelessness and darkness you are now experiencing. In spite of repeated promises to quit, you remain trapped in an uncontrollable habit of pornography and masturbation.
There is a part in the movie, Fellowship of the Ring, where Aragorn asks Frodo if he is frightened. Frodo responds, “Yes.” Aragorn then ominously says what I want to say to you: “You are not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you.” A devil is stalking you, luring you and dragging you into ever greater darkness. The “power of the ring” is growing stronger in its grip on you. If I sound like I am being overly dramatic, the truth is that I am not being nearly dramatic enough: you have every reason to fear.
However, I also want to tell you that it is my unshakable testimony that God can lead you out of this dark valley back into the blessedness of His presence. To find this path of escape will require painful self-examination and a heart-felt, no-excuses repentance. I promise you that if you will do what is outlined in this article, you will find freedom. Let’s begin by appraising the situation, using the lives of David and Samson to represent two different types of pastors who become addicted to pornography and sexual sin.
David had a unique hunger for the Lord from the time he was a young boy tending sheep in the wilderness. His spiritual appetite intensified as he spent time with Samuel and deepened during his years of running for his life from Saul. Undoubtedly, David was hitting his spiritual peak when he became king at the age of 30. Yet, within 20 years, he had committed the unthinkable: he had lured Bathsheba into adultery and had her husband killed. How did it happen? It seems that the palace life sapped David’s spiritual hunger. Everything around him: his increasing responsibilities, his fame and fortune, and his growing pride all combined to dry up his life in God. He became easy prey for a stalking predator.
Perhaps you can relate to David. You too once walked closely with the Lord. You have known the hand of God on your life and experienced His power in your ministry. But little by little, your intimacy with Him has waned. Quite possibly you have experienced what Corrie Ten Boom once warned about: ‘Beware of the barrenness of a busy life.’ Maybe your work became more important to you than your walk with the Lord. It could be that your devotional life gradually withered away until the heavens seemed like brass and the Word of God became stale and lifeless.
Little did you realize that all this time you had a fearsome enemy dogging your every step, feeding your idol of “success,” biding his time until you became so spiritually weak that you could be lured into sin. Let’s not have any patronizing nonsense that you “fell” into sin as if you were walking along a path in the dark and suddenly—through no fault of your own—stumbled into a hole. There is a reason why it happens. Believers are vulnerable to temptation when they are not walking in the Spirit. (Galatians 5:16)
Once you reached that place of spiritual weakness, the enemy set into motion his malignant scheme to bring you down. Perhaps you became curious about pornography but underestimated its power. One glimpse of it unleashed a poison that rocketed into your soul and instantly spread throughout your being. However it initially happened, it quickly seized your heart and you found yourself going back to it time and again.
Or perhaps your situation is more comparable to Samson’s. He too had the call of God upon his life, but never really enjoyed deep fellowship with Him. From his earliest days he was given over to lust, taking every opportunity to seek out forbidden Philistine beauties. His life was one spiritual failure after another, until he found himself in the lap of Delilah with the Philistines upon him.
You have had struggles with masturbation and pornography since your teen-aged years. You knew the Lord was calling you into ministry and thought you would attain victory in Bible school, but you found that freedom was just as elusive there as it had been at home. Then you saw marriage as the way out, but alas, once again you found yourself returning to the hog trough. You have experienced brief moments of God’s presence, but “the sin” was always lurking one step away. You have never really known what it means to truly walk in the Spirit.
Regardless which illustration you identify with, the bottom line is that you are now in the clutches of something very evil. Whether you realize it or not, Delilah has set you up and you are now languishing in a Philistine prison of gloom and darkness. The eyes of faith, which once held glorious visions of victories to be won for God, have been mercilessly gouged out. The anointing that once flowed with power and unction has been quenched. The mouth which once was filled with Holy Ghost-inspired messages now serves up weak, uninspired sermons. You have lost the God-given authority to speak His Word: “What right have you to tell of My statutes and to take My covenant in your mouth? For you hate discipline, and you cast My words behind you.” (Psalm 50:16-17)
Your life’s work has disintegrated into a meaningless existence of going through the motions—pushing a grindstone in a Gazan prison. You are surrounded by heckling devils, mocking all that your life once represented. “Our god has given our enemy into our hands!” (Judges 16:24)
If your sins are of such nature that they have become public knowledge, you have given the world one more excuse to disdain all that Christianity stands for. Oh, how unbelievers love juicy newspaper accounts of yet another fallen minister. You have shattered the trust of your family, your congregation, your fellow pastors and your community. Because of your actions, “the way of the truth (has been) maligned.” (2 Peter 2:2)
It’s likely that you are in a sin-induced stupor, making you insensible to the great danger surrounding you. Most likely you vacillate between the extremes of faithless despair and stubborn denial. David was in his sinful condition for at least a year before the prophet put his bony finger in his face and exclaimed, “You are the man!” It took piercing words to penetrate his calloused heart.
If it seems like I’ve been too hard on you, the truth is that I haven’t been nearly strong enough. You are a representative of the thrice holy God. What a frightening position to hold! No wonder James warned, “Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment.” (3:1) Your danger is not only from a wicked foe, but also from the God whose Son you have “trampled under foot.” (Hebrews 10:29-31) Please remember that these hard-sounding words come from a man who had to face them in his own life.
Over a period of fifteen years, I became increasingly involved in sexual sin until I reached the point where nothing was too shameful for me. “But God, rich in mercy…” heard my cries for help and eventually helped me overcome sexual addiction. However, my heart remained full of corruption and lust. The memories of sexual scenes I had witnessed or experienced were still very vivid. There were times I despaired of ever having a pure heart. Could a man such as me really be purged of the knowledge of evil? Would I ever be able to forget those pornographic images that seemed forever etched upon my mind? Would I always lust over pretty girls? Was it possible for me to make love to my wife without fantasizing about other women?
The answer to each of these questions is a resounding yes! Today I can sincerely testify that the Lord has truly purified my heart. This freedom is there for you as well. However, I must warn you that it will not be appropriated cheaply or easily. I refuse to offer you psychological gimmicks, superficial solutions or pain-free alternatives. Instead, I will share with you the biblical principles that worked in the lives of me and many others.
It should be obvious that before a man can find purity of heart he must put away the pornography once and for all. This requires open confession to, and accountability with, your wife, friends and associates. A good Internet filter is also mandatory. Enough has been written about these topics that a passing reminder should be sufficient here.
Of more long-term consequence is what God desires to do within you. Having an Internet filter or an accountability partner will not wipe away memories, purge sin or cleanse your heart. A deeper work must be accomplished in your inner man. The truth is that somewhere along the way the foundation of your spiritual and ministerial life has become terribly corrupted. This is no small matter and minimizing it will only exacerbate your dilemma. And yet, chances are, that is exactly what you have done.
Consider an automobile that is running very poorly. The owner has the car towed to the shop, convinced that a tune-up will rectify the problem. “Sir,” the mechanic informs him, “the engine in this car is shot. Getting a tune-up is a waste of time. It needs a complete overhaul!” You too need more than a few minor adjustments—you need God to do an overhaul of your life.
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Consider one more illustration. A man breaks a bone in his ankle. He knows that if he goes to the emergency room, the attending physician will have to wrench his foot in order to reset the bone. The thought of this terrifies him, so he ignores the problem, even though every step brings wincing pain. Because of his unwillingness to face a moment of greater pain in the doctor’s office, he must live the remainder of his life as a cripple.
My dear brother, God wants to cleanse you, free you and use you for His Kingdom. Will you spend the rest of your ministerial career buried by this sin, unwilling to do the difficult thing? Will you eventually become one of the “false teachers” Peter speaks of, “who indulge the flesh in its corrupt desires… having eyes full of adultery and that never cease from sin?” When you stand before God, will the terrible judgment of Second Peter 2 serve as an indictment against your life?
In your case, it is not a foot that must be wrenched; it is your self-life. Over the past twenty years, I have experienced numerous breakings from the Lord’s hand. I mostly attribute the inner purity I now enjoy to those experiences: brokenness restores innocence. In his excellent book, The Release of the Spirit, Watchman Nee asks, “Can one who is unbroken, but whose teachings are right, supply the need of the church?”
Brokenness is a precious thing to God because it allows Him to accomplish His perfect will, use His power and still receive all the glory. Unfortunately, in many people’s lives, SELF becomes the Lord’s greatest competitor. Jesus spoke of two different types of brokenness people face. “And he who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; but on whomever it falls, it will scatter him like dust.” (Matthew 21:44) The implication is that if a person will not allow Jesus to break his self-life and all that comes with it—self-will, self-indulgence, self-glory, etc.—then he will be “broken without remedy.” (Proverbs 29:1)
Such was the case of Samson, who apparently ignored numerous warnings from the Lord. His last days on earth were spent languishing in a Philistine prison, occasionally being brought out to play the part of a clown before his tormentors.
David, on the other hand, threw himself on the mercy of God: “Wash me thoroughly, cleanse me, and purify me,” he cried. “Let the bones which You have broken rejoice. Create in me a clean heart, O God. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.” (Psalm 51) Unlike many who attempt to minimize or justify their actions, David thoroughly acknowledged his guilt. This was a man who was truly broken over his sin and freed from its power. Every attempt to justify or minimize what you have done will weaken God’s ability to purge your sin.
Perhaps you realize that you are in spiritual trouble but don’t know what to do. You would welcome a Psalm 51 experience but feel dead and unbroken inside. As you know, you cannot make yourself experience brokenness. However, you can do what the old-time Pentecostals used to do: tarry before the Lord until you get the breakthrough you need!
Get alone with the Lord in a place where telephones and secretaries can’t reach you; somewhere no one can hear you pour out your heart. The best setting would be a remote cabin where you can fast and pray for several days. At the very minimum, spend four to six hours on your face before God. What is purity worth to you?
Plead for His mercy. Take a piece of paper and detail every sin you have committed. This is no time to go easy on yourself! Ask the Lord to convict you of the selfish attitudes that have allowed this sin to take root in your life. Don’t be like some pastors who always take the most painless path available and never find real freedom. Pray over and thoroughly study Psalm 51, II Timothy 3 and II Peter 2. These chapters are full of deep truths about God’s perspective on sin and repentance.
Above all else, don’t lose track of what you are there to do. Remember: Deep repentance brings about profound and lasting change. Paul said, “Godly grief and the pain God is permitted to direct, produce a repentance that leads to… deliverance from evil.” (II Corinthians 7:10 AMP) The Greek word for grief used by Paul describes a heart-wrenching, inner anguish over one’s sin. Allow the sword of the Spirit to plunge deeply into your heart. You could easily cry for three days straight if you really saw the ugliness of your sin and how it has hurt those around you.
A word of caution here: I have known men who have cried out to God for deliverance, yet still clutched their sin, refusing to let it go. A sincere penitent will do the hard things, such as confessing his sin to his superintendent. If you will earnestly seek God to bring about real repentance, He will not disappoint you.
The deeper you allow God to break you, the more profoundly your thinking will be altered. One of the first things you must do is to thoroughly repent to your wife. Undoubtedly, you have hurt her in many ways. Not only have you been fixated on the bodies of other women, but you have probably also neglected her emotionally. Pornography nearly always causes a man to become aloof and distant with loved ones. If you have experienced a real breakthrough, your wife will immediately notice the change in the way you treat her and the children. Your intimacy with her will become far less carnal and much more loving. When I committed myself to putting my wife’s emotional and physical needs before my own in the marriage bed, fantasy lost its grip on me and I actually began to enjoy my wife sexually. The power of selfishness must be broken!
You should also see a noticeable change in your devotional life. Rather than dry prayer times and stagnant Bible study, you will discover a renewed thirst for God and hunger for His Word. This is just what you need. A vibrant time with the Lord every morning will not only help you in your own personal struggles, but it will also empower you in your ministry like never before!
Another thing that will change is your attraction to the allurements of the world. Every fallen pastor I have known was more familiar with the world’s offerings (sports, newspapers, Internet, television programs and secular talk shows) than with sitting in the Lord’s presence. Jesus said, “If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” (Matthew 5:29) This is serious business! You must sever everything in your life that has fed a carnal mindset.
The greatest changes in your life may seem imperceptible. People will simply notice a softness in your countenance, a genuine passion for God and love for others that weren’t there before. Nothing will restore the shattered trust of others more than for them to see you persist in the humility and love that come through true brokenness.
If the temptations still seem overwhelming, you might consider doing something more dramatic like getting out of ministry for a time of restoration. God’s scalpel cuts deep in the Pure Life Ministries 9-month Residential Program: ungodly attitudes are transformed, sin is carved out and the power of God is imparted. Also available is a telephone counseling program.
Whatever path of restoration you choose, you will have to fight to regain your lost innocence. Jesus said that the violent take the Kingdom by force. You must become like Bartimaeus who refused to be silenced and Jacob who refused to let go. Ask, seek and knock and I promise you that God will abundantly meet your need.
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