Statistics clearly prove that pornography addiction has become an enormous problem in America.  For instance, according to Dr. Laura Schlessinger, on-line adult entertainment is now a $5-6 billion a year industry. One researcher estimates that 60 million Americans have visited sexually explicit web sites.  These figures only represent Internet porn.  The numbers involved with pornography as a whole are even greater.

“But what does this have to do with the Church?” you ask.  Apparently quite a lot.  Studies and polls have shown that the percentage of Christian men viewing pornography is the same as that of nonbelievers (33-50%). This could explain the findings of Barna Research, which found that 35% of born-again Christians believe sex outside of marriage is “morally acceptable.”

How Can So Many Believers be Involved With Something as Filthy and Disgusting as Pornography?

Pornography appeals to one of the most powerful physical drives a male human being possesses: his sex drive. Furthermore, men are visually stimulated, making them extremely vulnerable to sexual images. When a man sees sexually oriented pictures, the demand to see and experience more becomes intense and overwhelming. Male hormones are easily inflamed, driving the man into insatiable lust.

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The Internet makes the vilest pornography available a click away; its easy accessibility creates a deadly temptation for believers.  Most Christian men—especially ministers—are not going to rent an adult video in public, where someone they know might see them.  No problem, now that same man can pull up the most “delicious” images on his mobile screen within seconds—all in the privacy of his home or office. The ease of access to Internet porn has compounded this allurement exponentially.

I am convinced that demonic powers are involved with the entire pornographic industry from top to bottom. It goes without saying that the enemy will do everything within his power to enslave Christian men in habitual sexual sin. Why? Because he realizes that a lust-filled Christian offers no threat to his kingdom, and worst of all, disgraces God.

How Is This Affecting the Body of Christ?

All this brings us to a second question that begs asking: How is this affecting the Body of Christ?  When Jesus warned us to “beware of the leaven of hypocrisy,” He was communicating to His listeners that even though a hypocrite hides his sin from those around him, it still has a detrimental effect on the lives of others.  The metaphor of leaven is used to illustrate the corrupting influence of a small ingredient upon the rest of the dough.  Unfortunately, in the case of the 21st Century Church, we are talking about the influence of millions of men who are outwardly presenting themselves as religious while inwardly maintaining a virtual mental library of pornographic images.

In spite of the soothsayers who minimize the damage being done, pornography is a spiritual disease racing through the Christian community.  In short, we show all the signs of suffering from a spiritual epidemic.

If it is true that one out of every five men sitting in America’s pews is saturating his mind with the evil images of pornography, how does this effect the overall level of godliness in the Church?  It seems that the general urgency to live a consecrated life is at an all-time low.  Self-centered living seems to have replaced true sacrificial love.  A hunger for God has been exchanged for a lust for entertainment.  While the Church is weathering a fierce spiritual onslaught from without, the godly character needed for this battle rots within.

I believe in the Church Triumphant.  However, if we are going to return to the godly living of our forefathers, we must face the blight of pornography in an honest and forthright manner. The greatest threat to the Church today is not so much the pornography itself as much as it is the lackadaisical attitude many Christians have about its wrongness.  Minimizing its wickedness might alleviate some of the shame for those using it, but it will not help to halt the epidemic.  Let’s recognize pornography for the evil thing it is.  Perhaps then we can effectively help those contaminated by it and do more to arrest its incursion into the Christian ranks.

I have struggled with masturbation and pornography for a long time. I want to get remarried; the only problem is that this would be my third marriage. Can I remarry?

The Bible says that God hates divorce. (Malachi 2:16) People usually end up in divorce court because they didn’t seek the Lord’s will about their perspective mate in the first place. Then, once married, they lived a self-centered life instead of unselfishly seeking the good of the other.

However, I’m not one of those ministers who takes a rigid (what I would term legalistic) stand on remarriage. God is always concerned with what is going on in the heart. He does hate divorce, just like He also hates murder, and hypocrisy, and pride and a lot of other things.

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The important issue is not whether or not you have been married in the past but what your life is like now. If you will truly repent of your sin and live a godly life, the time will probably arrive when the Lord will feel as though He can trust you with a wife.

The other thing I would say is that marriage is not the answer to a masturbation or pornography problem. It will only be a matter of time before you tire of your wife in bed and start looking for something carnal to take her place. If you will get your life right with God, I think you will find that your desires will truly change from the inside.

Our fears exert tremendous power in our lives if we let them. Through my own spiritual battles, I’ve learned that fear does indeed paralyze us and keep us in bondage (Hebrews 2:15). Conversely, fear animates the enemy of our souls—Satan aims to incite fear; he feeds off of fear and thrives in an atmosphere permeated by fear.

Jesus once instructed His disciples to sail across the sea while He spent some time alone in prayer (Matthew 14:22-33). The weather was cooperative when they started out, but their little boat soon encountered a violent storm that threatened to sink them. Out of the raging storm, Jesus appeared, walking on the waters. When the disciples saw the apparition coming toward them, they cried out in fear. “Be of good cheer,” Jesus called to them. “It is I; do not be afraid.” Impetuous Peter answered, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” “Come,” Jesus invited him.

Undoubtedly you remember the story: Peter climbs from the boat and begins to miraculously walk toward Jesus on the surface of the stormy seas. As he takes a few steps, Peter makes a decisive mistake. He takes his eyes off his Lord and focuses instead on the boisterous waves. He begins to sink. “Lord, save me!” he cries. As Jesus reaches out His hand and catches His fear-filled disciple, He asks a simple question, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

Jesus’ question reveals a serious problem most of us face: our fears tend to drown our faith. Often, we find ourselves stuck in unbelief, feeling powerless to cease from the behaviors we know are sinful, and powerless to put into practice the steps Jesus has invited us to take toward freedom from our sins. Truthfully, we aren’t just stuck; we’re paralyzed by fear.

Fear Is a Natural Consequence of Sexual Sin

For the person caught up in the cycle of sexual sin, fear has likely played a huge role in his life. Fear of intimacy, fear of emotional pain or rejection, and fear of failure or inadequacy may well have been significant factors that prodded someone toward sexual addiction in his teenage or young adult years. Even when he begins to experience the negative consequences of his sinful behavior, fear of losing his reputation, fear of getting caught or being exposed, and fear of consequences tend to keep him in bondage.

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At the root of it all, there is almost certainly a fear of the truth about who I really am. As sex addicts, we have (directly or by proxy) manipulated, deceived or taken advantage of others for our sexual pleasure. We are more selfish, vile, perverted, and predatory than we ever want to see or admit, let alone take responsibility for.

Proverbs 10:24 tells us, “The fear of the wicked will come upon him...” And that’s exactly what happens to most sex addicts. Sadly, it often takes being caught or exposed before the addict becomes willing to face his fears. For others, it may be the lengthening list of consequences that finally forces them to get past these paralyzing fears. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

There is ultimately only one way to escape this fear-based prison. We must face our fears head on. We must take stock of the various fears at work in our lives and begin to consciously confront them with biblical truth. Jesus told his disciples in the encounter mentioned above, “Do not be afraid,” and in one form or another, this is probably the most repeated command in all of Scripture. Unfortunately, it’s probably also the most violated.

Fear is the Antithesis of Faith

Coming to grips with our fears is not complicated. It requires truly believing in my heart two key principles the Bible teaches us about God. One is that He is in control, and He is bigger than my fears. Secondly, I must know in my heart that God is good, and His mercy endures forever.

When our heart is open to truth, even a cursory reading of the Scriptures reveals God’s sovereignty and His goodness. The Scriptures are chock-full of examples, promises and proclamations which are meant to serve as anchors for our faith. Read through the life of Christ and you’ll see Him exercising sovereignty over all manner of physical diseases and ailments, over storms and forces of nature, and even over demons in the unseen spiritual realm around us. Everything is under the Lord’s dominion, and He always uses His power for good purposes.

“And we know,” wrote the apostle Paul, “that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) This is the same apostle Paul who also reluctantly mentioned in another epistle that “five times I received forty stripes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods; once I was stoned; three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I have been in the deep; in journeys often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils of my own countrymen, in perils of the Gentiles, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; in weariness and toil, in sleeplessness often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness—besides the other things, what comes upon me daily: my deep concern for all the churches.” (II Corinthians 11:24-28) Paul could endure these fearsome circumstances because he clearly understood that our lives are in God’s hands.

Nothing happens that God cannot turn out for our good, even if Satan or other people intended it for evil. (Genesis 50:20) Please hear the heart of the Father beckoning you through the words of His Son: “Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27) He is trustworthy, and He is so much bigger than our earth-bound fears.

As I said earlier, overcoming fear is not complicated, but it is not easy either. That’s why it is seldom accomplished acting alone. Replacing fear with faith invariably requires a body of believers, or at least a few mature believers to come alongside you and pray you through. They need to exercise faith for you, and with you, until your own faith matures.

Spiritual maturity involves letting Scripture get into your heart and make a permanent change in your conception of the Almighty Father. You must learn that He is genuinely for you and that His most passionate desire is to give mercy to you and, just as importantly, to do mercy to others through you. This takes time. In the Pure Life Ministries Residential Program, we do our very best to totally immerse men in an atmosphere of faith and hope and love, and still we allow 7-9 months for the change to take root sufficiently so that a man is able to endure victoriously when he returns home.

Jesus Heals Us of Fear

Perhaps I can offer you this biblical account as an anchor for your faith. Luke’s Gospel tells us of someone who was bound by fear and uncleanness but found healing and freedom in an encounter with Jesus. (Luke 8:43-48) The woman with the issue of blood had suffered for twelve years, finding no help from the various doctors and treatments she had tried.
With her last hope, she sought out Jesus.

In the grip of her fear and uncleanness, she dared only to come near enough to reach out and touch the tassels of His robe. Knowing immediately that healing power had gone out from Him, Jesus stopped and demanded to know who had touched Him. Now in even greater fear, the woman realizes that she cannot be hidden. She comes trembling, kneels before the Lord, and confesses all to Him.

You see, Jesus might have let the matter pass, but that would have left the woman healed of her uncleanness while her fear remained. Because He loved her perfectly, Jesus also insisted on dealing with her fear. (I John 4:18) “Daughter,” He said to her, “Be of good cheer; your faith has made you well. Go in peace.”

I believe Jesus is waiting to say these same words to every son or daughter whose fear is keeping them bound in sexual addiction or any life-controlling sin. Where will you turn with your last hope?

Steve Gallagher discusses how to overcome the memories of sinful exposure or actions from our past.

Mike: Steve, we want to deal with a question that came in today from a young man who had gotten involved in Internet pornography. He has overcome that but he's wondering why as a believer he can't prevent some of those memories from coming back to him.

Steve: Let's take a look at the dynamic of the human mind for a second. A guy grows up and he has been wired by God, so to speak, to be a one-woman man. The whole thing of puberty and the teen years and all of that is taking him in a direction of, frankly, his wedding night. He's probably going to eventually get married and have that beautiful wonderful experience of intimacy with his wife.

Mike: So there is a natural sexual desire that God wants men to have?

Steve: Yes, it's normal. God created it. It's a beautiful thing to the Lord. It's not something that's dirty in itself. But what happens is this guy got involved in pornography and the enemy uses that to corrupt our perspectives of sexuality - that's what kind of takes us down this bad path.

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Mike: Now we do have a fallen nature. How does that fallen nature play into this?

Steve: Obviously, the fallen nature is very prone to sinful thinking anyway, so when something like pornography is introduced it's more than willing to latch onto it. But it's not just a matter of that, there's also the whole element of what I would call the "autopilot of our brains." Our minds are a lot like a computer. A computer can be operating all the time as a separate operation from the user actually typing in commands. It's kind of an illustration of the way our minds work too. Our minds can be in this "auto-mode" where we're really not purposing to think bad thoughts, they just kind of float in and we find ourselves with these images that we have to deal with.

Mike: I'm glad you shared that because I know one of the problems that guys deal with coming out of pornography is that they can be sitting in church and out of the blue or out of nowhere comes this vile memory that they've had, and they weren't even trying to think of it.

Steve: When that sort of thing happens, that could very well be the enemy trying to distract the person off of what is going on in that spiritual atmosphere. The enemy can come in and introduce sinful thoughts into our minds.  You know sometimes that's what it is.

Mike: Ok, so sometimes it is out of our control. Maybe it's the enemy. Sometimes it's our own weakness in wanting to pursue those thoughts. But what's the answer to the problem?

Steve: Really the overall answer is to change our thinking. Praise the Lord that God has left us with the resource to do that - the Word of God. If a guy will spend time quality time every morning in the Word of God - at least a half an hour - just really spending time, meditating on, studying the Word, it has the power to wash our minds of filthy thinking, to cleanse out our memories over time, and to introduce a new mindset. The Word of God is God's thinking. It's His perspectives on life and the more time we spend in it, the more we're going to take on His perspective. It doesn't happen overnight, but like I've said many times if you don't want to be thinking the same way you are now six months from now than you better start getting into the Word of God every day.

Mike: Speaking of the Word of God, the verse that comes to my mind is "being transformed by the renewing of your mind" and how important it is for these folks to understand that it's more than just stopping your behavior - that, of course, is critical - but when it comes to actually changing our hearts and changing our minds, it is the Word of God that the Holy Spirit uses to do that.

Steve: Yeah, let's face it, the images that we've introduced into our minds don't just go away when we quit looking at pornography - there's still that lingering effect - but the Word of God has the power to cleanse that away.

Mike: It's your experience in 20 years of dealing with guys in your own life that as you establish a devotional life in the Word of God and in prayer that those memories will fade over time?

Steve: Yes, absolutely.

Mike: Well, that's good news and good hope for this fellow and others, I'm sure. Steve, thanks so much.

Steve: Yeah, glad to be here.

How does the unthinkable become thinkable? Through slow, persistent, and quiet change. At a time when abortion, infanticide, and euthanasia are becoming widely accepted, you might wonder: What’s left that could possibly be called “unthinkable?” The answer: pedophilia, the sexual exploitation of children.

Most Americans view pedophilia as an abomination. But gay activists are now openly advocating it, calling it “inter-generational intimacy.” As Mary Eberstadt writes in a provocative article in the Weekly Standard, the “social consensus against the sexual exploitation of children… is apparently eroding.”

The process of erosion began at least fifteen years ago, when academics began questioning the almost universal condemnation of pedophilia. Soon, filmmakers and advertisers joined in, giving us movies like Lolita, depicting a sexual liaison between a twelve-year-old girl and a forty-year-old man. More recently, advertisers like Calvin Klein have pushed the envelope, using child-like models in sexually explicit poses in billboards and advertising.

Most Americans didn’t fully wake up to the danger until 1998. That’s when the journal of the American Psychological Association published the results of a study that argued that sex between adults and children is not always harmful, and that so-called “willing encounters” should be relabeled as “adult-child sex.”

The public was outraged. But, shockingly, mainline newspapers allowed homosexual activists to use their pages to attack, not the study, but people like Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who criticized it. As one example, in National Journal, Jonathan Rauch wrote approvingly of the study and called the vote by Congress condemning it “faintly sinister.” Mainline publishers also helped lower the deviancy bar, publishing trashy novels with sympathetic portrayals of men having sex with boys as young as seven—books, by the way, that are available at your neighborhood bookstores.

Well, the effort to make the unacceptable was predicted some twenty years ago. In their 1979 book, Whatever Happened to the Human Race?, Dr. C. Everett Koop and Dr. Francis Schaeffer predicted that things considered unthinkable in the seventies would be quite thinkable in the nineties—including things like adult-child sex.

This would happen, they predicted, because “the consensus of our society no longer rests on a Judeo-Christian base, but rather on a humanistic one.” Humanists, you see, view people as products of chance, not creations of God. So, there are no transcendent standards. Standards fluctuate depending on what’s viewed as “necessary, expedient, or even fashionable.”

Well, Christians don’t live by what’s fashionable, and we need to let our voices be heard on this issue. And the next time you see an ad exploiting children, speak out. Write the advertisers, boycott their products, and inform your congressman.

We can’t afford to keep silent about this issue. God help us if the barbarians in our midst are able to convince the American people that child molestation is just another fashionable trend of the twenty-first century.

Was it not because I held My peace and closed My eyes that you ceased to reverence Me? (Isaiah 57:11b AAT)

Looking back on my teenage years makes me cringe. Although I was raised in church, I got involved in crime, drugs, and promiscuity at a young age. Gradually, sex took center stage in my heart which led me to give over to all kinds of perversion during my twenties. By the time I became a Los Angeles deputy sheriff, I was hardened by sin and trapped in my own spiritual prison.

Now, I can clearly see the Lord’s hand on my life despite my past willful rebellion. Not only did He bear my stubbornness, but He patiently wooed me unto Himself, until He finally won my heart.

The patience of God is a marvelous thing. Matthew Henry described it well: “It can endure evil and provocation without being filled with resentment or revenge. It will put up with many slights from the person it loves, and wait long to see the kindly effects of such patience on him.” I will love the Lord throughout eternity for all that He put up with to save me.

However, one can easily mistake God’s patience for His grace. For example, a person in sexual sin may not experience judgment right away. So recklessly and unconcerned, he travels down a path of destruction—convinced that there will be no consequences. Such foolish thinking has been the downfall of many a sinner!

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But because of His good and merciful character, God is exceedingly patient with every sinner to allow him time to repent. The apostle Peter said, “The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance. But the day of the Lord will come...”  (II Peter 3:9-10a). Therefore, it is extremely dangerous for anyone involved in habitual sin to assume that because his day of reckoning has not yet come, there won’t be one.

The longsuffering nature of God becomes a problem—or stumbling block—for the hard-hearted person who chooses to abuse it to his own destruction. As Solomon once said, “A man who hardens his neck after much reproof will suddenly be broken beyond remedy.” (Proverbs 29:1) In one sense, the Lord is like the nice guy who patiently endures the provocations of the neighborhood bully until one day he snaps and flattens the guy! The Lord doesn’t have a temper like man does, but sooner or later, the time comes when His patience with sin and rebellion runs out, and the sinner is left to face the consequences of his actions.

What a wonderful God who will “endure evil and provocation without being filled with resentment or revenge (and) put up with many slights from the person (He) loves, and wait long to see the kindly effects of such patience on him.” It is certainly true that the Lord “is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish…” But equally true is His reason for such patience: He is looking “for all to come to repentance,” so they won’t have to face the aftermath of their sin.

Lance’s testimony is titled All I Have Lost Is Worth It. This statement is not a whimsical boast but a deeply felt conviction. What he has lost is his wife Linda and their four children. It is true that before he found true repentance at the Pure Life Ministries’ Residential Program, Lance had been a real “jerk” to Linda. He was never unfaithful to the degree of an extramarital affair, but was deeply immersed in pornography and showed very little love to her and the children. Nevertheless, after dealing with this couple for over a year, in complete exasperation one day I privately made the statement of Linda, “What a fool!”

Lance came into our residential program in July 2001. He left the program with one of the most dramatic transformations I have seen during my 17 years of ministry. He had been utterly self-centered, full of hatred and bitterness. Now he loved God with all his heart and was determined to stay pressed into Him upon his return home early in 2002. I was a little apprehensive about him when he left. I really wasn’t concerned that he would return to pornography. My fear was that he would lose the fire for God that had built within him during his stay at Pure Life. During the course of the next year, I saw him a number of times as I occasionally traveled to his area to minister. I was immensely gratified to see that he had indeed kept his love for God, even through the most difficult circumstances.

When Lance entered the Residential program, Linda went through our counseling program for wives. Over those months, her counselor (Rose Colon) helped her work through the bitterness that had built up inside her toward Lance. Rose taught her to lay those feelings aside and to make the choice to love Lance as an act of her will. “I know from my own experience that forgiveness does not come easily when you’ve been hurt by the man you love,” Rose told her, “But my testimony to you is that God’s grace will help you to forgive him and even love him if you are willing.”

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God’s Will for Marriages

Linda seemed to be responding to Rose’s counsel. At Pure Life, we believe it is always God’s will for marriages to be restored if there is genuine repentance. Since Lance had never been unfaithful, she had no grounds for divorce even if he had not repented. Scripture says that God hates divorce. (Malachi 2:16) Unfortunately, people who live by their feelings rather than the desire to please God will often attempt to find a way around this fact.

The Pharisees had this attitude. If a Pharisee would become disenchanted with his wife for some reason, he would find some pretext to divorce his spouse. One day, attempting to trip Jesus up, they came up to him and said, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?” Jesus responded to them, “Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female and said, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh?’ Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

“Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?” they retorted. Jesus said, “Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:3-6) This teaching lays the groundwork for the only possibility of divorce: if a man is in unrepentant adultery. Speaking of these words of Jesus, one teacher wrote:

“Any woman who will truly pray through for her husband will not need to divorce him. Jesus is talking here about the working of the spirit of divorcing, which is breaking asunder what God has joined together. Any husband and wife who will so pray for one another, honestly and thoroughly, will not need any divorce for they will find each other at Jesus’ feet.”

The Role of Feelings

When Lance returned from Pure Life, Linda told him that she wanted to remain separated for a time to make sure that he had really changed. Had he been involved with other people sexually, this would have been understandable. But Lance had only been into pornography. Furthermore, he had truly repented of his pornography habit and of the lack of love he had shown his family. He was excited about returning to his family so that he might show them the love that God had shown to him. Nevertheless, he resolved himself to respect her wishes and love and serve her in every way he could.

Unbeknownst to Lance, Linda had purchased a copy of a popular book written by a woman who had been married to a porn addict. In great detail the lady had written of her emotional sufferings living to a man obsessed with seeing explicit images. I would certainly never discount that pain, but the discerning eye will quickly see that she is living in a cloud of self-pity. Furthermore, her psychology-based response to his pornography problem is completely unbiblical. She believed that she should protect herself against the pain of his “mental unfaithfulness.” After all, didn’t Jesus equate lust with adultery in Matthew 5? Her entire book was founded upon the premise that “once a sexual addict, always a sexual addict; you can never expect this man to change.” Wives are advised to divorce their husbands so that they may protect themselves from any possibility of being hurt in the future.

This book told Linda exactly what she wanted to hear. Her feelings for Lance had dissipated during the year that they had been separated. She had “fallen out of love” with him. Jesus said, “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you...  And just as you want people to treat you, treat them in the same way. And if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.” (Luke 6:27-32) He also said, “But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.” (Matthew 6:15)

Unfortunately, Linda had more respect for man’s wisdom than the words of Jesus. She preferred to be ruled by her feelings than by God. Since she was not maintaining a regular, vibrant devotional life with the Lord, her feelings took God’s rightful place of lordship within her heart. The reality of God was small in her consciousness, while her emotions were huge. They dictated her decisions. Bolstered by this woman’s book, she became determined to divorce Lance.

The Role of Scripture

During this period of time, Linda expressed a willingness to attend counseling sessions with Lance so that they might both learn how to be better parents to their children through this divorce. Lance scheduled a meeting with a local biblical counselor. The counselor reviewed their situation and asked the question that any godly counselor should open the session with: “Are you both willing to obey the Word of God as we work through these issues?” Linda had not considered her situation from this perspective before but readily responded in the affirmative. The man then asked them what Scriptural support they had for their separation and impending divorce. Lance and Linda both sat in silence.

He wisely temporarily set the issue aside. The couple attended two more sessions with him. Finally, on the third visit, he said, “Linda, I want to help you learn to parent your children, but I don’t see that as a possibility if you continue to refuse to reconcile. How can you correctly parent your children if you are not willing to model a godly relationship before them?” he asked pointedly. “In the first session you stated that you were willing to obey Scripture.  I see no Scriptural support for this divorce. You must decide if you are willing to work toward the restoration of this marriage.” Linda responded, “I am not willing to reconcile with Lance.”

How tragic it is when someone decides that she knows better than God what is good for her life. Had Linda been willing to commit herself to obeying the Lord, she would have eventually found that her feelings for Lance would have returned more strongly than ever. She would have discovered that the love growing between them would be the powerful force of agape love—not fleeting human feelings.

Linda has made an extremely foolish decision that will ultimately bring her far more misery than had she gone against her fickle and vacillating emotions. She could have had what many other sincere Christian women would die for: a husband who truly loves God. Because of her selfish decision, her children must live in a broken home without their daddy. There is no reason that this story could not have ended in a happy and godly home.

Every now and then we hear about some murderer who attempts to escape the harsh consequences of his crime by pleading temporary insanity as his defense. His attorney finds some psychologist who will testify that the perpetrator had lost touch with reality and therefore should not be held responsible for his deeds.

Fortunately, this defense is usually rejected by the jury and the killer is required to face the rightful sentence for his offence. One could only imagine the increase in crime across our land if this defense tactic was successful more often!

The Modern Mindset: Justify with ‘Disease’ and ‘Disorder’

Could it be that our secular judicial system possesses an understanding about life that the Church is losing? I am referring to the disturbing mindset that is growing within Christian circles that people are victims of one kind of emotional abuse or another and therefore are not really responsible for their actions.

In my work with sexual addicts, I have heard a plethora of explanations over the years as to why men do what they do: “I molested that child because I was abused myself;” “My sexual addiction is a result of unmet emotional needs I carry from childhood;” and so on. Recently, a homosexual even told me that he had never lusted over another man. He claimed that his sexual activity was simply his attempt to find the love he didn’t receive as a child.

This modern approach even comes with its own terminology. The apostle Paul’s old fashioned words such as lasciviousness, uncleanness and fornication have been brushed aside in favor of softer more palatable terms such as, “sexual brokenness” and “gender confusion.” People who have given themselves over to habitual sexual activity are now considered to be victims of a “disease” or “mental disorder.” Of course, it goes without saying that there can be no guilt when a person’s actions are a direct result of being victimized.

That may work for some progressive-minded people, but I’m not convinced it will hold water with God. Can you imagine Saul explaining to Samuel that his rebellion was a result of unmet emotional needs? Try to envision David telling Nathan the prophet that he committed adultery and murder because he lacked self-esteem. I realize these are ridiculous notions, but are they really much different than the explanations that are offered by many today?

The Biblical Model: Admit and Acknowledge Disobedience

Of course, I understand as well as anyone that there are often contributing factors to people’s actions. But I have just one question: Why has it become so wrong to say… “I’m wrong”?

My dear friends, I would suggest to you that if we lose the concept of right and wrong we have lost everything. If we continue on our present course of explaining away our disobedient behavior, minimizing the evil nature of our sin and justifying our transgressions, we will lose the moral anchor of God’s Word. A wise and humble man will be extremely cautious about redefining behavior the Bible unequivocally calls “sin.”

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God’s manner of dealing with sin is well documented in Scripture. Over and over again He confronted sinners over their actions. Saul and David illustrate the two basic responses people have toward divine confrontation: they will either attempt to justify themselves or they will acknowledge their guilt and repent.

When Samuel rebuked Saul for allowing the king of the Amalekites to live, the old monarch minimized, blame-shifted and rationalized his deeds. His refusal to acknowledge his guilt left him unprotected spiritually. From that day on he spiraled downward, until by the end of his life, he was driven insane by tormenting devils. Apparently Saul never made the mental connection between his rejection of God’s reproof that day and the subsequent misery that increased in his life.

David’s actions with Bathsheba were far worse than Saul’s partial disobedience. However, when the prophet thrust his bony finger into his face and exclaimed, “You are the man!” David collapsed in overwhelming contrition. The cry, “I have sinned!” rose from the depths of his being. There were no excuses or elaborate explanations. He didn’t attempt to minimize what he had done. He understood that he was guilty.

For nearly two thousand years Jesus Christ has been transforming lives from the inside out through the age-old process of confession and repentance. Have we hindered the power of God to work in our lives through an unwillingness to acknowledge fault? Have we become like the hardhearted, adulteress of Proverbs 30 who, we are told, “eats and wipes her mouth, and says, ‘I have done no wrong.’”?

Our Sinfulness and Sanity on Judgment Day

I don’t know what is in the minds of murderers when they committed their dreadful crimes, but this I do know: there will be no insanity pleas on Judgment Day. We will all be held accountable for our actions. (Romans 14:12) Without a doubt, those who claim to have experienced temporary insanity when they committed some criminal act had a long history of rebellion and self-justification that precipitated it.

The fact is that, without God’s intervention in our lives, we are all on a course of ever-increasing madness. Surely the Preacher was right when he quipped, “The hearts of the sons of men are full of evil and insanity is in their hearts throughout their lives.” (Ecclesiastes 9:3) The path into mental and emotional well-being does not come by circumventing God’s prescribed methods of dealing with sin but by embracing them.

I don’t like being told I’m wrong any more than the next guy, but when I consider the tragic stories of Saul and Andrea, what other option do I have but to acknowledge when I am wrong? I don’t know about you, but the next time the Lord convicts me of sin, rather than rampaging through self-help books looking for some excuse to offer, I think I’ll just hang my head, bow my knee, and confess, “I have sinned!”

I had a sex change many years ago. Now I love Jesus and am willing to stay single the rest of my life to stay pure. Something keeps telling me that because I changed my sex and cannot change it back I am going to hell. Is this true?

Absolutely not! You cannot undo what has been done physically and God does not hold that against you. The “something” that keeps telling you this must certainly be the enemy. The devil knows that discouragement is one of his greatest tools to getting believers to give up.

If you have been truly converted to Christ, and it certainly sounds like you have, then you have a new spiritual body. Your physical body is a secondary matter.

Having said that, I must address the way you live your life. You were a man and had your sexual organs physically altered to resemble those of a woman. I assume you have also been on hormone therapy, which diminishes masculinity and enhances femininity. This leaves you very vulnerable to the enemy—who led you down this path in the first place.

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Should you live the rest of your life as a man or as a woman? That is something you must learn on your knees before God. He loves you and is not angry over what has happened in your past. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5) The Lord knows just what you should do in this difficult situation. Go to Him in the confidence that He wants to help you.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.” NLT

Over the past 11 years of walking alongside my husband as he battled his way out of sexual sin and into victory, I have discovered that my role in his life really is of vital importance. There are things within my power as his wife that I can do either to help him grow into a man of God, or things that I can do that will impede his growth and possibly lead to his failure. Many of these things I have learned the hard way! Let me share three main areas that come to mind as I consider my role as my husband’s helpmate.

I am His Partner

First of all, I am my husband’s partner. In 1 Peter 3:7 we read that a wife is an “equal partner in God’s gift of new life” (NLT). This means to me that I am my husband’s partner in all things—including his battle with lust. This is not just “his” problem, but something that we must work through together. We have learned to spend deliberate, consistent time both alone and together in prayer and Bible reading. This has knit our hearts together, and has provided a foundation of openness and transparency with each other as we seek to know the Lord more fully and live lives more pleasing to Him. Over time, as we grew together spiritually, we became partners in all areas of life.

I am His Supporter

Support is another thing that my husband has consistently needed through the years. The most obvious form of support, and most important, is that of prayer. A wife usually sees the needs of her husband more clearly than anyone, and must bear him in prayer. I consistently pray specific scriptures over my husband, and have been blessed to see the Lord answer those prayers in my husband’s life. Some general themes that I often pray for my husband include asking the Lord to help him see his need, make him love repentance, shine light on any darkness in his life, make him love the light, increase his character, etc.

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My husband needs my support in a practical way. As his wife, I must seek to safeguard our home. I try to make sure that our home is a safe place for my husband, and a place in which the Holy Spirit can dwell. I do not want anything in the home that could be a stumbling block for my husband. We have had to make decisions over the years about what all that means. For example, we chose 11 years ago to get rid of any type of TV or movies in our house other than an occasional G-rated movie that we may watch. While to some this may seem drastic, I can truly testify that the spiritual benefits we have reaped have been unending. In direct contrast, I can also testify about some wives I have known who were unwilling to support their husband’s desire in this area, and sadly, they are no longer walking in victory.

Many areas in which my husband has needed my support through the years required me to lay down my own desires and wishes. Philippians 2:4 says, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” At times this has meant that we don’t go places or on vacations like I have wanted. It has meant that we have had to limit our social events, or say no to people and invitations. I must confess that this has not always been easy for me or without struggle at times. However, the more I have yielded to the Lord in these areas and submitted to my husband, the more blessed and fulfilled I have been personally. And I have had the added pleasure of watching my husband grow in faith and purity.

I am His Accountability

Finally, I believe it is undeniable that a wife will play some role in holding her husband accountable for his purity and his walk with the Lord. While the mechanics of this may look different from couple to couple, the reality is that a wife is in a unique position to observe her husband’s daily life and actions. She is able to observe patterns of behavior, attitudes, and even secret sin that may be unnoticeable to another accountability partner.

At his request, I have always acted as my husband’s primary accountability partner. However, we have not lived or acted in isolation. We have spiritual elders in our lives that we have intentionally opened up our lives and hearts to. Their encouragement, rebukes, and love have been vital to our marriage and growth in the Lord. While it’s often better that a wife not fulfill the role of being her husband’s primary accountability partner (at least initially), she will most certainly need to act in tandem with other people who provide spiritual accountability in his life.

Discovering my role as my husband’s helpmate has certainly been a journey. It has been filled with growth, pain, joy, and love. But most of all it has been filled with Jesus. He has been our Strength, Redeemer, Guide, and Comforter. He has always been more than enough, and I know Him more intimately because of it. Eleven years of marriage, and I can gladly proclaim that I am so grateful the Lord called me to walk alongside my husband.

The man sitting across your desk has just admitted to being a convicted child molester. He has served his time and now wants to attend your church. What do you do? A situation like this requires a pastor to walk a fine line between compassion for the sinner and responsibility to other parishioners. We offer the following considerations:

• Pray for discernment regarding the man’s level of sincerity and deliverance.
• Tell the man that you have a legal and moral responsibility to do everything necessary to protect the children of the church.
• Meet with your board to decide whether you will only inform key people (i.e. children’s workers, etc.) or the whole church.
• Take into account the “gossip factor.”
• Inform the man he is forbidden to be around children—especially unattended.
• Assign a mature, godly man to monitor his movements while in the church.
• Require on-going counseling with a biblical counselor who can minister to him and stay abreast of his struggles.
• Be proactive. Have a plan and be prepared to act on it decisively and quickly should disaster ever strike.

I remember when the bottom dropped out like it was yesterday. I had been in the Pure Life Ministries Residential Program for about 4 months, and although I can't remember exactly what prompted me to pray, the prayer itself is still crystal clear. While standing on one of the prayer trails that stretch around the rural Kentucky campus, I said, "Lord, everything I have believed up to this point is worthless. Please teach me the truth."

That may sound like a strange prayer to the casual reader, but it came from the fact that despite growing up in the church, holding various ministry positions, and being seen as generally a nice guy, I was stuck in habitual sexual sin. My "beliefs" did not have the power to deliver me, and I knew it.

The prayer was sincere, and I have to admit that I was pretty proud of myself for praying such a courageous prayer. What I was not prepared for was the answer.

I assumed that God would "zap" me, and in a Solomon-like experience, I would receive some kind of superior wisdom and knowledge. Instead, the lights went out. I went into a spiritual tailspin. For months, I couldn't tell up from down. When I read the Bible, I couldn’t understand it any better than if I was reading it in Greek or Hebrew. Prayer was incredibly painful, because I realized I had no real relationship with the Being I was praying to. Sometimes I wasn't even sure what I should call Him.

Looking back on the episode, I realize that far from God abandoning me, He was coming closer to me than I had ever experienced. The ten trillion candlepower spotlight of His Holy Spirit pierced the darkness around my heart and showed me what I was actually like. The sight was devastating.

Why do I share this story? My point is that it was vital for me to have a safe place to go through the painful process of conviction, revelation, repentance, faith and restoration. I had soaked in the cesspool of pornography and sexual immorality for years, and I needed plenty of time and space to soak in God's presence. And I needed a place that created a natural barrier between me and my sources of temptation. How can a man ever recover from food poisoning if he continues to eat the food that is poisoning him in the first place?

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It is never pleasant when God helps a man overthrow the idol of sexual addiction, because He does it through discipline. God's discipline in a sexual addict's life is absolutely needed, and it's indescribably worthwhile, but it's incredibly painful. I honestly question, if when faced with the reality of the fight ahead of me, if I would have had the strength to withstand the onslaught of one-click sex that every man faces during the course of normal American life. It would have been too easy to simply go back to pornography in order to medicate myself from the pain.

But the months during the Residential Program were like safe haven for me. When I felt like God's conviction was too much for me, and I despaired of ever finding mercy, I had a counselor who encouraged me and prayed for me. When I was overwhelmed with sexual urges, I had dozens of fellow students who were going through the same thing. We rallied together during those times. After a difficult day at work, I came home to prayer groups, spiritual videos, or wonderful worship services. No matter what time of day or night, I had plenty of space to run after Christ and learn to put my faith in Him, maybe for the first time in my life.

The book of Hosea provides a beautiful description of God's process of winning someone back from their idols. God pours out His heart to Hosea and laments that Judah has gone after other lovers. So He devises a plan. He says that He will hedge up her way with thorns and build a wall around her so that she cannot find her paths. This will stop her from being able to find her former lovers. He knows that in the pain of her isolation she will say, "I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now."

The Lord later says that it is His intention to "allure her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." This mirrors my experience in the Residential Program. My life became a wilderness, hedged up and hemmed in by the presence of Almighty God. He had many difficult things to say to me, and I will thank Him forever that He chose to do it while I was in the safety of the Residential Program. He won my heart by His faithfulness, and He continues to win it more year by year.