Hedonism is the mindset of one who only wants to pursue pleasure and avoid discipline, hard work and pain.

We see this in the American culture that wants to escape into drugs, alcohol, porn, entertainment, and sports.

Much of today's church is more about entertainment than enlightenment, more about pleasing me than honoring Jesus.

All people will experience sorrow when they give over to sin. This is especially true of sex addicts because of the stigma, shame and inevitable consequences attached to sexual sin. But the Bible tells us that there are two types of sorrow. A worldly sorrow which leads to death, and godly sorrow which leads to repentance and eternal life. How can a sex addict know which sorrow he is experiencing?  

There are a number of key things to consider when asking this question. We can see a clear line between the focus and driving motivation behind the two, and it is very important that all those who desire freedom from sexual addiction be able to discern the difference.  

In this installment of Ask the Counselor, Biblical Counselor Ken Larkin diligently walks us through the key differences between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow so that we might experience the genuine and life-changing sorrow of God.

For all that the Bible has to say about repentance, you would think that most Christians would understand it, that preachers would preach about it, and that we would all practice it. Yet repentance remains a forgotten theme in much of the church.

Yet the Bible remains clear that repentance must continually be a part of every Christian's walk with God.

There are many so-called Christians who have an outward display of piety but no real inward relationship with God. Like the Pharisees of Jesus' day, they were keepers of the religious rules, but had no power to overcome inward sin.

As we continue through "The 20 Truths Series," Steve Gallagher shows us that a form of godliness does not have the power to deliver from sin.

A husband’s cycle of victory and defeat can often leave a wife feeling like she will never be able to escape the pain and uncertainty of the past. The fear that this can cause often becomes one of the undealt with areas in a woman’s life. Kathy has seen hundreds of women in this situation and has seen the damage that fear can do. Allowing fear to remain undealt with will keep the wife from moving forward, both in her marriage and in her relationship with God, even once her husband is consistently doing well. In this video, Kathy shares from her own testimony how she was able to overcome that fear and allow God to do his work in her life as well as Steve’s.

Leading psychologists who deal with sexual addiction agree that sex addiction is a form of insanity.

A sex addict lives in delusion, fantasy, and pursues a course he knows is harmful to himself and others. All of this is consistent with the behavior of the insane. (From #367 - Sexual Sin is the Epitome of Insanity)

Here at Pure Life we are Biblical Counselors. That is to say, all of our counsel comes directly from the Word of God. We believe that sexual addiction is an intense emotional attachment to sin. Addiction is a sin problem, and only God has the solution for sin. We are not psychologists, and don’t want to be. The word ‘psychology’ means the study of the soul, and we believe that only the Creator of the soul can heal it. So we put men in the Word of God, and the Holy Spirit uses the Word to change a man’s heart, renew his mind, and therefore change his behavior. It does little good to amend a man’s behavior if his heart hasn’t changed, because he’ll always go back to what his heart worships and his mind believes. But when God changes a heart, and renews a mind, you end up with a new man.        

Now, I’ve laid this foundation because, frankly, for the rest of my time I’m going to talk about psychology. One thing that all social scientists can do, and some do quite well, is to study human behavior and report out what they find about how men consistently behave. A scientist will analyze what he observes and record repetitions and patterns. This is the basis of all science. And not surprisingly, sex addicts all behave the same way. There is a discernible pattern to sin. James writes in chapter 1 of his letter that a man is tempted according to his own desires, deceives himself, gives in to the act of disobedience, and the result is always death. Every sex addict walks through this pattern every time.  

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It is the self-deception that is critical to the process. He has to lie to himself and believe his own lies in order to give himself permission to disobey God and do what he knows to be wrong. Though he knows the consequences of his sinful behavior will only lead to guilt, separation from God, injury to himself and others, he puts all this out of his mind, and pursues the object of his desire because he wants the very temporary high that comes from his sin. A rational person looking at this would quite simply conclude that such a thing is insanity. You know this brings death, you know it, and yet you do it anyway.  

Patrick Carnes is a highly regarded clinical psychologist who has spent his career studying the behavior of sex addicts. He is the author of such books as Don’t Call It Love and Out of the Shadows. And while we may not agree with psychological methods of treatment, we cannot fault this man’s observations and analysis.  

In his book, Out of the Shadows, Carnes basically says that all addictions are the result of insane thinking, and this is nowhere truer than among sex addicts. He writes that “Addicts progressively go through stages in which they retreat from the reality of friends, family and work. Their secret lives become more real than their public lives.” In other words, they lose touch with reality. He says, and I quote, “Leading a fantasy double life is a distortion of reality. An essential part of sanity is being grounded in reality, so in the sense that the addict distorts reality, the sexual addiction becomes a form of insanity.”  

He explains that all human behavior flows out of a man’s belief system, and that is the filter through which all his information passes. We agree. He sees reality, makes decisions, and behaves according to what is true for him, what he believes. Again, we agree. The Bible is very clear on that. So because the addict’s perception of reality is completely skewed, he acts according to his reprobate mind, to borrow the descriptor from the Apostle Paul.  

He completely ignores all the possible and even probable consequences of his behavior, believing that he is exempt and immune, and that such things as getting caught, bringing pain upon his spouse, losing his job, destroying his marriage, wrecking his life, (incurring the judgment of God on his sin) will never happen to him.

But, Paul writes, “Be not deceived. God will not be mocked. Whatever a man sows, that will he also reap.” (Gal. 6.7) Sin has its wages and one day it will pay out. Most of the men who come to Pure Life end up here because their sin began to cost them dearly, and they come, not just to rid themselves of their sin, but to save their marriages, their sanity, and their very lives.

Speaking still about the insanity of sexual addiction, Carnes offers a list of lies that a man must tell himself in order to do what he does. His list includes these, and every one of them is untrue:  

• If I don’t have it every few days, the pressure builds up.
• I’m oversexed and have to meet my needs.  
• What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.  
• Every guy would do this if he could.  
• If only my wife would be more responsive.  
• Cybersex is just electrons. This isn’t real.  
• With the stress I’m under, I deserve it.  
• It’s my way of relaxing.  
• This isn’t hurting anyone.  

Carnes concludes that whatever the rationalization (the form of self-deception) it further cuts the addict off from the reality of his behavior.

We agree with these conclusions, that there is an insanity to sexual sin, because we see it every day, and not because Carnes says so, but because the delusion that comes with sin is clearly taught in the Bible. The Bible describes perfectly man’s behavior when he pursues sin, and he acts the same way every time. He lies to himself, believes his own lies, justifies, blame shifts, separates from God and others, falls into guilt, remorse, despair, and then to make himself feel better, believes his own lies, and repeats the insane cycle all over again. It is no wonder that a social scientist can describe this typically human pattern of sin revealed by the Word of God.  

When the psalmist David was repenting of his sexual sin, he cried out to God, “You desire truth in the inmost being!” There is no better antidote to the insanity of sexual sin than a consistent exposure to the truth and an unwavering commitment to speak nothing but the truth. This is where the Holy Spirit comes in and why we advocate strongly a biblical approach to sexual sin.  

First, the Word of God is the truth and reading it and studying it fills our minds with the truth. The Holy Spirit comes alongside His Word and applies the truth to our hearts and renews our minds. He shows us the lies we’ve believed and replaces them with the truth about God and about ourselves. A commitment to transparency and accountability means no more secrets and no more lies. We have to believe the truth, speak the truth, and live according to the truth.  

Insanity loses touch with reality. Sexual sin makes you insane. You live in a world of fantasy and order your life accordingly. You believe lies and tell lies. Sanity is living in reality, believing, speaking and living the truth. Believing a lie binds you to that lie. Believing the truth is what sets you free.

Many people are surprised to learn that there is an issue behind the behavior of sexual sin that is far more serious than the sin itself. It is a huge problem.

We examine the issue of the self-life, because the root of sexual addiction probably isn't what you think it is.

Husbands who get caught in sexual sin often weep buckets of tears and promise that they will never do it again. Wives want to believe that this is a good sign, but many of them are later devastated when they find out that nothing has changed.

Kathy Gallagher was devastated by her husband’s addiction to pornography and adulterous relationships, but eventually Steve was sick of his life and he really began to change! In this video, Kathy reflects on the things she saw in Steve’s life that made her sure he was changing.

The "Fear of the Lord" is widely misunderstood and all but ignored in much of the Church today, and yet the fear of the Lord was a driving force in Steve Gallagher's life as he came out of addiction to pornography.

This is a pertinent and powerful message for the Church today.

It is never easy for someone to make a difficult confession to the person they love. When a man is in sexual sin, the fear of what might happen is eminent in their mind. But what many husbands don't realize is that their lies are destroying the foundations of the marriage, making the collapse inevitable.

In this episode, Jeremiah Eakin outlines the biblical foundations for marriage and shows us why confession of sin is so crucial for the man looking to move forward. He also reminds us of the truth that “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” Proverbs 28:13

Nathan Boer's testimony is that for much of his young life he lived without the Fear of the Lord. Then he passed through great fear that he had blasphemed the Spirit and was beyond forgiveness. Now that he has come into the fear of the Lord, he has a life in God and victory over sin.

Jim: I brought Nathan Boer into the Purity for Life Studio to talk about the Fear of the Lord, but also to share his story of a life lived totally without the fear of the Lord. You see, I know Nathan.

We were students in the Residential Program at the same time, back in 2015. We worked at the same job, rode in the same car, even performed the same chore. Even though I’m his father’s age, we’re close friends. I know him to be a godly young man who loves the Lord with all his heart. I know him to be a gifted Biblical Counselor who uses to Word of God to walk men into freedom from sexual sin and into a life of surrender to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. And I also know that it wasn’t always this way for him. Every staff member and every student at Pure Life were wrecks when we got here or we wouldn’t have come. We came here seeking freedom from sin that we couldn’t get on our own. So, that our lives were once wrecked and ruined by sin is a given.

We began our conversation by looking at Proverbs 14:9, where Solomon wrote that “Fools mock at sin.” One thing I found fascinating as I was looking at the meaning behind these words, was that this is describing the person who boldly pursues sin, but then loves to boast about it. This really helped to bring the verse alive to me, because I have certainly been in situations where people unashamedly told me all about their sins. The meaning there is that moral fools love to brag about their guilty exploits. I started off by asking Nathan if he was in this camp as a young man.

Nathan: Absolutely. I'm happy that you asked if that was the camp that I was in, because not only did I enjoy bragging about the sin I was in, but I was surrounded by people also lived to create crazy stories about the sin that they were in; whether it was a long weekend or a crazy music show or some ridiculous amount of travel under the influence of some substance, we always had a spirit of competition trying to outdo one another.

Jim: I asked Nathan just to tell us his story. As it began to unfold, he was describing a definite progression from one activity to another, each hinging on the next, on a downward spiral into more and more sin, more and more degradation, all in the name of achieving that next thrill. Nathan was a pleasure junky.

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Nathan: The pursuit of sin came before I even really understood that it was sin. It began with self-gratification around the age of 10 or 11. After or during those changes, I was brought to a doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD. Later they diagnosed me with depression. Each time I was diagnosed with something, they gave me a medication of some sort. I was playing video games and that increased in a rapid succession as I went from the ages of 11 to 15. I played more and more video games and eventually came across pornography, which, then I understood that self-gratification was sin. Then that really lit the candle for what had already begun in me years before. I quickly realized that the medicine the doctors were giving me wasn't really helping me, and that I could abuse it to get high, so I did that. And we began stealing alcohol from our parents; Actually we even stole alcohol from random people's garages, and that presented an adrenaline high to go with all the others. And eventually I began dabbling in marijuana, which led to all kinds of other substances which I'd sworn previously that I never do.

Jim: Notice the progression of sins that Nathan just described: Fantasy/self-gratification at an early age even without pornography; Prescription stimulants – twenty percent of all boys 4 to 17 are on prescription medication for ADHD and even more for a host of other disorders. Video games came next, followed closely by pornography. Then alcohol, street drugs like marijuana, petty crime and sexual promiscuity. How many other American teens take a similar route? And how many teenagers even in the church are part of a local party scene?

Nathan: It was always from one party to the next party, “who was throwing the best party?” “which college did you go party at?” “which show did you go to?” “which music festival did you attend?” It was just one out-doing another at every opportunity, with a mixture of substance abuse, sexual encounters, music, travel, whatever you could do to outdo everyone else in your group, and make them realize that you are cool, or you're crazy, or you know, came up with a unique way of doing things that intrigued others. It seemed like we were invincible. You get into so many crazy car accidents, or you experience such an overwhelming amount of substance abuse, and you start thinking that “can I really die?” And you know, eventually a couple of friends did die, Overdose. Suicide. There is tragedy at the end of that.

Jim: Nathan may sound to you like a typical American teenager. But one thing that we haven’t yet mentioned is that throughout all this time Nathan was attending Christian school and going to church. Despite being involved in a lot of religious activities, something was missing from his life. There was no fear of God. But thankfully, Nathan began to see that his life was out of control. The deaths of some of his classmates to overdose and suicide sobered him up a little. He knew he needed to stop his runaway lifestyle. But who could help?

Nathan: I first heard about Pure Life at a men's Bible study, and as soon as I had heard of it, it was like I knew I was supposed to go, and I also knew that I didn't want to go. One of the other guys in the men's group brought up his addiction to pornography, and while I had been using pornography for years, it had never presented itself to me as a life-dominating addiction. It was picked up, it was put back down, because of a very promiscuous lifestyle that went along with all the substance abuse. I had different girlfriends and I had pornography and I had substance abuse, and it was just like this whirlwind inside of me. I never thought that sexual sin was my problem; I was thinking that drinking  an enormous amount of alcohol each day was my problem, that was going to kill me, or overdosing on some weekend binge was my fear that was going to kill me.

Jim: Nathan is a little different from many who come to Pure Life. He wasn’t forced here by his parents. He wasn’t given an ultimatum by his wife. His life was out of control, but he came here because he somehow knew that God had called him here. And his life was filled with fear. It wasn’t the fear of the Lord. There was some fear of death, but mostly it was fear that he was lost and could never be saved.

Nathan: First, I was terrified that I had grieved the Holy Spirit. I thought I had committed the unforgivable, unpardonable sin. And I was convinced that no program, no amount of Bible reading, no amount of thankfulness was going to get me out of depression, restore a right mind to me or reverse the consequences of the lifestyle. I had chosen to live in complete opposition, in rebellion to God. So I was very afraid that I would die, and I would go to hell and that there was nothing that I could do, I was doomed. I was stuck in condemnation for at least the first 3 months of the program.

Jim: One time during a teaching here at Pure Life and I asked the class of seventy men how many of them at one time had wondered or worried that they had committed the unpardonable sin of blaspheming the Holy Spirit and were in danger of forfeiting their salvation. I expected a few hands. Nearly every hand in the room went up. I’ve written a blog article on the subject of committing the unpardonable sin on the Pure Life Blog page, and we’ll include a link on this page to get to it quickly. Now, the Lord intervened in Nathan’s life to deliver him from this fear of having sinned beyond God’s forgiveness…

Nathan: There was a special service, I believe it was a Thursday night, and I had been battling this 3 or 4 months into the program and wrestling through the idea that I'm not. I can't be saved. I've committed the unforgivable sin. One of the speakers got up and said, “There's someone out there who thinks that they've committed the unforgivable sin, that you’ve blasphemed the Holy Spirit. And I just want you to know, that if you are afraid that you have committed the unpardonable sin, it is actually a great indicator that you have not, because people who have grieved the Holy Spirit do not care.” And there was something that broke in me at that point. There was hope where there was hopelessness. And I still share that with many people today because it really helps me.

Jim: We turned to Proverbs 8.13. “The fear of the Lord is to hate evil.” It is five years since Nathan arrived as a student at Pure Life. He has come into the Fear of the Lord, and into a sincere hatred of sin. There are still struggles with temptation. We don’t hate every sin every time. But God does a real work of deliverance in our lives as we walk with Him.

Nathan: I find myself hating some sin more than other sin, where God hates all sin! So as I continue to spend time with Him and to learn what He's really like, He continues to help me to hate all sin the way that He does. But the sin that I'm dealing with now, five years later, is much different than the sin I showed up to Pure Life Ministries Residential Program with.

Jim: You heard the testimony of what Nathan’s life was like right up until the day he arrived at our doorstep. He is no longer the same person. The Lord has done a work in his life, and everything is different for him now.

Nathan: I have been set free. The life-dominating sins that were driving me to an early grave no longer control my thought patterns. They’re not the things that motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. They're not directing me to the store or to the local drug dealer or to any other avenue that I used to utilize

Jim: Nathan described the fear of the Lord as one of His useful tools in our sanctification. It’s helpful to think of it that way. God uses our attitude of awestruck wonder and our healthy fear of His discipline to work real change in our lives and make us more like Christ.

Nathan: The fear of the Lord is one of, I believe, His favorite tools to change us into more of His image. You know sin corrupted us, but when we get stopped in our tracks, by being afraid, it's very sobering. It's very alarming, it's very scary. But then to come to the understanding that the Creator of heaven and earth, Who spoke everything into existence with a word, wants a personal relationship with you, and has created you for a purpose, and His purpose is the only one that will satisfy, it really undoes someone. It really undoes me. It really overwhelms me that He knows exactly what we can handle even when we don’t.

Jim: God took a young man whose life was dominated by alcohol, drugs, sexual promiscuity and relentless thrill-seeking, and turned him into a biblical counselor who uses the Word of God to bring freedom and healing into the lives of sex addicts. How does God do that? Well, that what Pure Life Ministries is all about. That’s what God did first in Steve Gallagher. In his 20 Truths series and here on Purity for Life we are describing the tools that God used and that He still uses. The Truth, Scripture, Repentance, Regeneration, Prayer, and the fear of the Lord: useful tools in the hands of the Lord to set a man free.

In this episode we examine the Biblical teaching about the heart, which Scripture regards as the core of the human soul.

While we have a heart that is fallen and evil, the salvation that is ours in Christ can give us a new heart.

In his segment from the 20 Truths series, Steve Gallagher discusses the truth that Lust Begins in the Heart.