In part 3 of our current series, we answer the question, "What Role Does Repentance Play in Freedom from Porn?"

We look at Repentance from a biblical perspective, understand how God uses it, and hear testimony of how Repentance is on the path that leads to freedom and life.

Can marriage cure a lustful heart? Many may think it can, but only the Lord can change a man’s heart. Couples considering marriage should seek to be overcoming in their walk with the Lord before committing to marriage.

Pure Life Ministries co-founder and former Director of Women’s Counseling Kathy Gallagher shares with Jim Lewis practical insight about the problem of pornography and if marriage can cure a lustful heart.

Jim: We recently received an e-mail here at Purity for Life from a young woman who wants to know, should I move forward in my engagement with my fiancé now that I have discovered he has an issue with pornography? How would you answer that question?

Kathy: I would answer that question by saying you probably should wait. I definitely would not marry a guy who is struggling with pornography, because getting married is not going to make that problem go away. A lot of people think it would. A lot of people believe that getting married is the answer to their lust, their fantasy life, to their passions for each other. But marriage (temporarily) may calm that down some, but the issue is not marriage. Getting married will not change a heart, and that is what lust is: a heart issue. It's a sin issue, so yeah, I definitely would tell this young woman, or any woman for that matter, who's contemplating getting married, if a man is struggling with pornography, it's better to wait, definitely better to wait.

Jim: Kathy, so many times we see this in the men who come to Pure Life. They sincerely believed that when they got married, this problem with porn would just go away. And we also see women who knew of their husbands’ issue before they got married, but she believed the same thing: when we get married, he'll get better. What would you say to the engaged couple to warn them?

Kathy: I would definitely be dealing with them looking at each other as the answer to their passions. You know, there is the side to people that love each other, and they want to be together and obviously the union the sexual union is a tremendous thing for a couple, when they get together. I don't want to discount that or minimize the power of that connection that a man and a woman have together.

But for a guy who's struggling with pornography, and that's been his “go to” to satisfy the lust that's in his heart, and that's the issue, it's a lust issue, it's not just a physical build up, it's that, but it's lust, and if he's been giving over to that, that has been his way of life, he may find that marriage is disappointing. Because what happens with pornography and what happens in person are very different.

And men tend to be very visual, and it just does not play out the same way in married life. If you've been corrupted by pornography you don't see things right; you don't think right about sex, and so for a woman to marry into that corrupted thinking, she's asking for trouble.

She's asking for problems, she's asking for heartbreak, because he needs to go through a period of some serious counseling and some serious repentance and getting his heart and his mind right, and bringing his body under control of the Holy Spirit before he goes into marriage instead of thinking “if I marry, if we get married right away, then I won't have to deal with this anymore.” That is a lie. You will still deal with it because it's in your heart. It's a heart issue, and that's what has to be dealt with.

Jim: So you absolutely believe that this man needs help. He needs to get help. He can't handle this on his own. Would you also recommend that the woman get help and counsel as well?

Kathy: Absolutely! Yes, she needs help. She needs to know what she's stepping into and go into it with her eyes open. Now any woman that understands the power of addiction, sexual sin in particular, pornography specifically, and she has studied it, researched, learned about it, even been to counseling, and then decides to go into it, then you know, yeah, what are you going to say? I can just tell you from a lot of experience, personal and just counseling for decades, women who have done that, who have gone into it with kind of a Pollyanna sort of a rose-colored glasses mentality about that, that I am going to be enough for him -- I had the same thought. I really did believe that it wasn't before I got married, but I, after Steve and I were married, and all this stuff came out, I really thought that if I did certain things, that he would see how amazing I am, and that I could satisfy all his desires. That was such a lie and such a … I was in so much denial and didn't want to face the truth or the reality of what he was in and what he was dealing with, and so, yeah, I highly recommend getting into counseling with people who know what they're talking about when it comes to sexual sin. Not just go to some psychotherapist and whatever, but people who have really been down the road and understand what sexual sin is and how it should be dealt with in a biblical way, because you're not going to be able -- you're not enough. I hate to say that but it's true, you are not enough to keep him from wanting to go back to that place where is very comfortable and very soothing to go back into the pit of pornography.

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Jim: We have to believe that this is a Christian woman writing us to ask this question and probably a church member. How important is it to bring this issue into the light with spiritual authority to take this issue to the pastor who may not know, and allow him to guide them and give them his counsel?

Kathy: Yeah, definitely the thing to do. They should both humble themselves. They both would have to, especially the man, requires a great deal of humility or humbling yourself to get to go to somebody, a spiritual leader, especially someone that you probably want to impress and acknowledge and be real with and open about. And the woman as well, needs to -- it's humiliating for her as well. So they need to come together in that sense and go before a spiritual leader. But I would say this: it is so important to understand the heart of your pastor and what kind of counseling are you going to get, because there's a lot of people who are spiritual leaders, not all for sure, but there are spiritual leaders who would say, who believe that if you got married, the whole thing will just blow over, and it's just not the case. I've been doing this for too long and it's really important for both of you to get good solid Biblical counseling from godly people who know what they're talking about.

Jim: Let's take a best case scenario, and say that this young man gets counseling that his fiancée gets counseling as well. He is overcoming his sexual sin, he's walking it out. Is there a rule of thumb? How long should they wait before they finally get married?

Kathy: Well, that's kind of a hard thing to say, because it really does depend on him. How well is he actually doing? How, you know, all of that… I guess for me, and I tend to be on the cautious side, I would say give it a year. I know that sounds like an eternity for young people, but believe me, you both will not regret waiting, praying, and walking in the victory. If that's what you have, if you are, overcoming is a better word, I don't like the word victory, if you are overcoming, if you're an overcoming believer, and you're doing that for a good solid year, I would say then you're both more prepared for the future, and yeah, to be a married, to be a one unit. I’m calling it a one-unit couple, you become one at marriage, then you'll be much more prepared for that relationship if you wait, the longer you wait.

Jim: Well this has been an important conversation and I want to thank you for your counsel and for being here with us today.

Kathy: Thanks, Jim.

Temptation wages war on the mind. For the Christian struggling with porn, that fight is relentless. His thought-life is plagued with sensual and perverse imagery that seem to have an inescapable hold. Every loss in this battle makes victory appear hopeless and unattainable.

What hope is there when temptations come? For the answer, we must turn to the Word of God. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NASB) says, “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”

This verse may be a common go-to among Christians trying to escape addiction, but why has it often not provided the freedom it promises? Steve Gallagher explains how understanding the context of Paul’s exhortation will open the seemingly elusive way to victory over those nagging temptations.

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Listen to how God can work in a woman’s life after the discovery of her husband’s sin to heal her pain, make her more like Jesus and teach her to fight on her knees for God to save, not her marriage, but her husband’s soul.

Pure Life Ministries Director of Women’s Counseling Carol Bourque shares from her own testimony and experience in an interview with Nate Danser.

Nate: Carol Bourque is the director of women's counseling here at Pure Life, and she has been counseling women in our Wives Program since 2011. Carol, as you know, the church is in a horrible condition and the statistics are staggering. Men are addicted to pornography and sexual sin in unprecedented numbers, and very often there's a wife attached to that man, and she is suffering silently. Last night I went through Kathy Gallagher's book, When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart, and she shared some brief quotes from women who found out that her husband was involved in sexual sin, and the agony is overwhelming. And that women really are in a fight for their own lives, and I can only imagine that the idea then of fighting for their marriage is something that they would find very difficult. You know, you've been counseling for the last 8 years or so with us, so you have you had a good amount of experience and also time to see how even the culture is changing, and I just wonder if now in 2019, are women more likely to be encouraged to throw in the towel on their marriage than they were even 10 years ago?

Carol: Well, interestingly enough, I think there is a mixture. And it actually surprises me because today, the culture would tell us, as women, that we don't have to put up with something like that. To just get out of that situation and move on and start over with somebody else. However, most of the women who come to Pure Life Ministries Wives Program for help, are Christian women. And so they really do want to stay in their marriage and help their husbands to fight in this battle that they're in.

Nate: Well, I'm definitely encouraged to hear that, because just like you said, the voice of culture is so strong these days, and you know, even if you want to do the right thing, it really doesn't do much to alleviate the agony that these women are in. And I want to read a quote from Kathy Gallagher's book about a wife who went through this. And she said,

“Early one Saturday morning he finally confessed to me that he had had an affair with a married woman. I was outraged. I suddenly began to get up and punch him with all my might. The next month was like a nightmare that I could not awaken from. More confessions and horror stories: an affair with a 55-year-old woman; topless bars; table dances and so on. The blood would run cold through my veins with each story. The left side of my face would go numb. I went from 129 pounds to 113 pounds. My hair began to fall out. I had diarrhea daily, and at times I thought that I would surely die. I could not believe that he would be unfaithful to me again. I kept trying to convince myself it was untrue but there it was staring me in the face.”  

Nate: This, you know this woman is describing pain of an unbelievable magnitude and it's hard for me to imagine a woman going through something like that, saying, “You know what? Yeah, I want to fight for this marriage!” But you have seen women who experience that kind of pain actually stand up and begin to fight?

Carol: Yes, actually. You know I think once they get past that devastation, and they're in a place where they can hear from the Lord, they are willing to do whatever it takes to fight and to be obedient to what they have heard God call them to. And the call is usually when you're down on the ground, in that pain and devastation crying out to God saying, “What should I do, or should I leave this guy?” Usually there's that still, small, quiet voice that you hear from the Lord, and most times he says, “I have not released you from this marriage.” And so that's what most of these women come into our programs sensing, that God has not released them from this marriage yet. They may not understand why, but they're willing to stay and fight.

Nate: You know, Carol, I've never been betrayed by someone at a level like that, but I have experienced some very extreme mental anguish, at times. I know how difficult it is to still yourself enough to begin to hear what you said, that still, small voice. How would you encourage a wife if she just can't hear yet because the roar of the pain is so strong; how does she move forward?

Carol: Well, that's a good question, and I know that it was more an emotional mind battle for me. Because I would constantly be replaying and rethinking all of the scenarios, the situations that my husband had confessed, so my mind was constantly bombarded with those thoughts and those images. And so, for me, in order for those images and those thoughts to stop, I had to force myself to get over the Word of God. I took Scripture, every time there was a thought that popped into my mind I would take scripture, and I would meditate on it. And anywhere, anytime during the day, so what I did for myself, and I encourage women to do this: I bought some 3 x 5 cards. Well, I was actually encouraged by my counselor when I went to the program to do this. She said buy some 3 x 5 cards and get into the Word of God, and write Scripture on these cards, and put them everywhere - in your house, in your car. I mean I've got them taped in my shower. And when, anywhere, and a thought would come into my mind, I would choose at that moment to either give over and be tormented with that thought or I would choose to dwell on God's word. And I love the Word of God, because it says in the Psalms that He sent His word and healed us. (Psalm 107) That's exactly what He did for me. His word healed my mind and, there's no other explanation for what happened for me, and for many women who go through our program.  

Nate: So, you've been describing how you fought your own personal battle. Now, let's say a wife says … She's kind of getting herself back up on her feet … just personally and she says, “You know what? I do want to begin to fight for my marriage.” First, can we talk about some wrong ways to fight? Because there's a lot of ways to fight, but we don't always help situations sometimes. Can you get some wrong ways to fight for a marriage?

Carol: Yeah, I think the wrong way to fight is obviously in our flesh, and that would be our wanting to take control of the situation, and then to control our husbands as well. So, some women either will become more like a mother to them than a wife, or some will become more like a detective or a policewoman. There are women, and I've counseled many of these, who again, trying to take matters into their own hands, by shaming their husbands or nagging them or belittling them; thinking that these things will force him to change; And men began to get resentful of their wives. They see them as that, being a nag. They do not respond well to trying to be controlled. And it's not going to change them, and that's the thing that we don't understand. Our trying to take matters into our own hands is not going to change our husbands.  

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Nate: So how should she fight?

Carol: On her face. Before the Lord. That is the only thing I know to say to a woman when she's asking, you know, what do I do? What do I do? And my counsel to her is you get your eyes off of your husband and off of yourself and you get them on the Lord. Ephesians 6 talks about where our struggle, our battle really is. And it says it’s not against flesh and blood but it's against rulers and powers, against the world forces of darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places. And we so often feel like this is a flesh, you know, physical battle. But it's more of a spiritual battle. And I think once a wife can understand that this is not about her, and her husband but it's more about her husband and his relationship with the Lord, then she can begin to fight for him, in the proper way again, in prayer.

Nate: You know, I was talking with Kathy Gallagher about this the same topic a couple of days ago, and she said that one of the difficulty she's experienced when counseling women, and telling them, “begin to pray for your husband,” is that, they say, “I have been! I mean, I've been praying my heart out that this jerk would change” and all that. So, how do you pray rightly for your husband, because you mentioned that.

Carol: I know in my own experience, with myself, my prayers were very self-focused, especially in the beginning. They really did center around me. You know, “God, change this guy…” you know, I wasn't actually saying this in my prayer, but this is what my thought was, right? You know, change this guy so I don't have to struggle, I don't have to deal with this stuff; I don't have to go through this pain, so I don't have to suffer. His soul was very small on my radar. What it was doing to him spiritually was really, especially, in the beginning, I didn't think about him or his soul, to be quite honest with you. So, I know that a lot of our prayers are really very self-focused, and so I think that once our prayer begins to be a prayer of faith, that God is able to do what we could never do and we're not trusting in man, we are trusting in our Creator, we're trusting in God to do the impossible, because if this man doesn't receive a revelation about his spiritual condition, he will most likely perish. And so, we become desperate and we intercede on behalf of our husbands so we're putting ourselves in his place, so to speak, instead of focusing on the prayer being about ourselves.

Nate: Yeah, I mean it sounds like if you were really in the spirit of intercession, the results of the marriage take a back seat.

Carol: Yeah, absolutely, and again, I think of it as you becoming desperate, almost putting yourself in that position that your husband's in and crying out to God like you're crying out for yourself on behalf of this man who you are one with. Because God says that when a man and woman are joined together, and they become one flesh. So you're crying out for him almost like it's you.

Nate: Yeah, if I was in that position, what would I need; what would I want?

Carol: Right, right! How would I want to be prayed for? Because sometimes it's like the sin and the deception that these men are in, it's almost like they can't even pray; so who better than his wife to bear him to the Lord?  

Nate: That really changes things. It gives a wife a completely new direction, a completely different purpose than from “how do I fix this problem,” to “how do I have an eternal perspective about this?” And it just amazing, because in a in a real way, she's becoming like Jesus, because that's what Jesus did. That's who He is, that's His heart and His desire for us.

Carol: I was just going to say that. I was just going to say but that's the heart of Jesus. It really is the heart of Jesus. Now I don't think it happens overnight. I don't think it happens as soon as you find out that your husband's in sexual sin. I do know that there is a time where a woman definitely is grieving over what’s happened and the focus is on herself for a time. But, again, as she as she looks to God, she's looking to the Lord instead of looking at what her husband's done or done to her and that's how most women see it. “This is what he's done to me!” Once she can see that this is what he's doing to the Lord, first and foremost, and it does take time, it is a process, and some women  go through that process faster than others. For me, it took a long time to get to that point.

Nate: I really appreciate those thoughts because I think it gives a really balanced viewpoint about this; that the pain is tremendous and no one is discounting that, but there really is a path forward through this and you can follow God's will in this and not just not just quit. Thank you so much, Carol, for joining us and God bless you, and may God bless all the women who are listening to this.

Carol: May God bless you too.

In part 2 of our current series, we answer the question, "What Role Does Brokenness Play in Freedom from Porn?"

We look at brokenness from a biblical perspective, understand how God uses it, and hear testimony of how brokenness is on the path that leads to freedom and life.

It’s been said that first impressions are everything, and for the struggling Christian porn addict there was no stronger impression than their earliest taste of sexual sin. With that initial introduction, there was no thought to how far it would take them or how deeply corrupted their hearts and minds would become. It was only years later, when they were at the bottom of the pit did they ask, “How did I get here?” More importantly, they asked, “How do I get out of here?” The answer is easier than you might think.

The way of escape is found in the way an addiction is formed. The two main elements in the formation of any relationship are “time” and “devotion.” The amount given to each directly affects the strength of the relationship. Negative connotations aside, an addiction is simply a relationship that has been nurtured over a period of time.

For Christians who are desperate to overcome temptation and sexual sin, they need to know that it is a steadfast love for God that defeats the inflaming love of sin. From his own experience, Steve Gallagher shares how simply being committed to a daily life of prayer was pivotal in his turning away from pornography and failure to a life of continual victory.

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When a wife determines to help her husband find victory from sexual sin, she must be prepared to hear some very difficult, personal, and painful things. How can she provide the support and encouragement her husband needs without becoming controlled by the pain of these confessions? How can she wholeheartedly support without being demanding? Kathy has given her life to helping women navigate these kinds of issues, because she was once in these same situations. In this video, she talks about some of the mistakes she made early on as she tried to help her husband Steve.  But God was working on her as well. As the Holy Spirit showed Kathy her own sinfulness and need for a savior, God enabled her to relate to Steve in an entirely new way. As a result, she and Steve were able to experience deeper fellowship in all areas of their lives through repentance, humility, and Kathy’s willingness to hear painful things. This was exactly the kind of support that Steve needed.

When a husband is battling his way out of sexual sin and is showing real signs of change and repentance, what can a wife do to help him to find complete victory? Kathy Gallagher has devoted her life to helping wives navigate the difficult journey of having a husband in sexual sin. In part 1 of “How Can I Help My Husband?” Kathy looks at some of the internal difficulties a wife will face when she decides to take an active role in helping her husband. Many wives want to help their husbands by keeping them accountable, but the things they hear from their husbands are often so painful that many women run the risk of becoming controlled by their fear and pain. Kathy shares about this period in her own marriage with Steve, and how she had to resist the temptation to become manipulative and controlling, which would only have hindered their relationship and made Steve’s journey even more difficult.

For centuries, the Bible has been the source of hope. Romans 15:4 (ESV) says, “For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” It is in the Holy Spirit inspired Word of God where everyone who is in desperate need can expect to find true and lasting remedies to any issue. It exposes sinful attitudes, penetrates hardened hearts, and cuts out falsehood.

Scripture has the inherent power to rebuild a soul that has been marred, ruined, and devastated by sin. And that is wonderful news for those who find themselves amid the destruction of sexual addiction. For the Christian determined to press on in the battle, the Bible declares that restoration is not merely possible, but a promise. Steve Gallagher expounds on key principles penned by King David and shows how clinging to Scripture and dwelling on the testimonies of God will reform, reconstruct, and restructure a mind dominated by pornography.

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“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” While there may be some truth to this adage, the human heart bends toward the hedonistic ideals of ALL play with as little work as possible. There is nothing wrong with having some pleasure in this life in its proper place. But hedonism says that pleasure is the prime goal of life and anything that causes pain or discomfort should be avoided at all costs. The mind that thinks like this is just one click away from a porn addiction.

Modern hedonism traces its roots to an 18th and 19th century philosopher named Jeremy Bentham. He said, “every law is an infraction of liberty,” and, “the greatest happiness of the greatest number is the foundation of morals and legislation.” His whole aim in life was to live pleasure-filled and pain-free. Does this not describe the goal of much of modern America? And sadly, this also represents a large number in the American Church.

Bentham’s ideology is nothing new. Scripture tells us of the danger of living a pleasure saturated lifestyle through King Solomon 3000 years ago. The wise king wrote in Ecclesiastes 2:10 (NET), “I did not restrain myself from getting whatever I wanted; I did not deny myself anything that would bring me pleasure.” At the end of this pursuit he would write in Ecclesiastes 12:8 (NLT), “Everything is meaningless…completely meaningless.” In our day, has Scripture’s warnings about the pitfalls of seeking after pleasure fallen on deaf ears? The answer is a resounding “yes.”

With the American Church being influenced more by a hedonistic culture than the Bible, it is no wonder why so many Christians are addicted to pornography. Steve Gallagher gives keen insight as to how a life lived with no restraint regarding pleasure and indulgence is the perfect breeding ground for sexual sin.

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Beginning this week and for several more to come, we will examine the key elements that lead to victorious Christian living and freedom from sexual sin.

We will be asking questions like “what role does repentance play in freedom from pornography?” What part does deliverance play? What about worship? Where does obedience fit in?

Today we look at the role of faith in finding freedom from pornography.

Many people have the belief that pornography promotes sex. This couldn’t be further from the truth. What pornographic materials actually promote is the destruction of sex. Pornography is one of the most damaging forces against a healthy sex life. Sex is not a dirty or shameful activity. In fact, God created our sexual organs and made intercourse to be beautiful, intimate and enjoyable. Sex was His idea. In the past, the church has shied away from the topic of sex, leading some to believe it was something shameful. However, that was not the Lord’s original intention. He designed sex. And when kept within the boundaries of His original plan, it is one of the highest forms of pleasure two married people can enjoy.

The problem occurs when sex is taken out of the context for which God created it. Any form of sexual experience that is outside of the confines of a loving marriage between a husband and a wife becomes perversion. Pornography seeks to make perverse activity the normal expression of sexuality. As the years have passed since its inception, a cycle of depravity has made available pornographic materials that are unimaginably obscene and twisted.

When someone is given over to viewing pornography, something happens in their internal world. What should be repulsive to them becomes increasingly acceptable and even desired. Many sex addicts will testify to the fact that the longer that they stayed in their lifestyle, the more depraved the sexual acts became. It may have started off with “softcore” porn, but it led them into places that they had never intended to go. They simply thought they were going to have a little enjoyment, and they ended up a prisoner in a world of smut and darkness.

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One of the consequences of living a life given over to pornography is that it changes the way a person views sex. Even after getting free from its grip, this is something that needs to be addressed in the life of the person who wants to enjoy a healthy sex life at its greatest potential. Pornography is an illusion; it is pure fantasy. What many fail to consider is that everything is staged. In a pure sexual experience between a husband and a wife, there are no camera men in the room. There is no script to get right. There are no microphones being held up. The husband isn’t a paid actor, chosen for his masculine build and the wife isn’t a paid actress who was hired for her perfectly shaped body. Neither of them is being paid to portray that they are participating in the most pleasurable sexual experience possible. Yet, that is a description of the world of porn.

Sometimes, I do marriage counseling for couples in which the man has a history of pornography. I’ll pull him aside when we talk about sex and tell him something that I hope will save him and his future wife a lot of pain and heartache. I say, “Remember that your wife is not a porn star. Don’t treat her like one or expect her to act like one.” The reason this is important to address is because I understand that the person who has been involved with perversion has a distorted concept of God’s design for sex. Having been exposed as a young boy—long before I ever had a sex education class or a talk from a parent—I understand how pornography can completely twist a person’s mind until their concept of sex is rooted in an entirely different realm from God’s design. Two things can happen to a man who enters marriage with a pornographic mindset. Either he will be disappointed in his sexual relationship with his wife because it does not look as passionate, experimental or exciting as the porn he has viewed; or he will try to pressure his wife to do things that she is uncomfortable doing. Both hurt the intimacy that a married couple should enjoy in their sexual relationship.

To avoid this, it is important that a couple be completely honest with each other. Vulnerability is essential to a healthy sex life. Communication with one another is crucial. Too often, couples are too embarrassed to discuss their sex lives. The person who has a background in pornography needs to learn to intentionally set aside any perverted thinking that may have infiltrated their mindset and set out to please their spouse in the way that they need. While porn displays a selfish attitude toward sex, God designed it to be a blessing to one another.

Sex is amazing. It is one of the most pleasurable experiences that the Lord has given to us to enjoy on this earth. But pornography destroys sex as God designed. If your mind has been distorted by a false image of sex, perhaps it is time to reject those perversions and embrace God’s design for sex in your married life.