Lance’s testimony is titled All I Have Lost Is Worth It. This statement is not a whimsical boast but a deeply felt conviction. What he has lost is his wife Linda and their four children. It is true that before he found true repentance at the Pure Life Ministries’ Residential Program, Lance had been a real “jerk” to Linda. He was never unfaithful to the degree of an extramarital affair, but was deeply immersed in pornography and showed very little love to her and the children. Nevertheless, after dealing with this couple for over a year, in complete exasperation one day I privately made the statement of Linda, “What a fool!”

Lance came into our residential program in July 2001. He left the program with one of the most dramatic transformations I have seen during my 17 years of ministry. He had been utterly self-centered, full of hatred and bitterness. Now he loved God with all his heart and was determined to stay pressed into Him upon his return home early in 2002. I was a little apprehensive about him when he left. I really wasn’t concerned that he would return to pornography. My fear was that he would lose the fire for God that had built within him during his stay at Pure Life. During the course of the next year, I saw him a number of times as I occasionally traveled to his area to minister. I was immensely gratified to see that he had indeed kept his love for God, even through the most difficult circumstances.

When Lance entered the Residential program, Linda went through our counseling program for wives. Over those months, her counselor (Rose Colon) helped her work through the bitterness that had built up inside her toward Lance. Rose taught her to lay those feelings aside and to make the choice to love Lance as an act of her will. “I know from my own experience that forgiveness does not come easily when you’ve been hurt by the man you love,” Rose told her, “But my testimony to you is that God’s grace will help you to forgive him and even love him if you are willing.”

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God’s Will for Marriages

Linda seemed to be responding to Rose’s counsel. At Pure Life, we believe it is always God’s will for marriages to be restored if there is genuine repentance. Since Lance had never been unfaithful, she had no grounds for divorce even if he had not repented. Scripture says that God hates divorce. (Malachi 2:16) Unfortunately, people who live by their feelings rather than the desire to please God will often attempt to find a way around this fact.

The Pharisees had this attitude. If a Pharisee would become disenchanted with his wife for some reason, he would find some pretext to divorce his spouse. One day, attempting to trip Jesus up, they came up to him and said, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?” Jesus responded to them, “Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female and said, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh?’ Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

“Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?” they retorted. Jesus said, “Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:3-6) This teaching lays the groundwork for the only possibility of divorce: if a man is in unrepentant adultery. Speaking of these words of Jesus, one teacher wrote:

“Any woman who will truly pray through for her husband will not need to divorce him. Jesus is talking here about the working of the spirit of divorcing, which is breaking asunder what God has joined together. Any husband and wife who will so pray for one another, honestly and thoroughly, will not need any divorce for they will find each other at Jesus’ feet.”

The Role of Feelings

When Lance returned from Pure Life, Linda told him that she wanted to remain separated for a time to make sure that he had really changed. Had he been involved with other people sexually, this would have been understandable. But Lance had only been into pornography. Furthermore, he had truly repented of his pornography habit and of the lack of love he had shown his family. He was excited about returning to his family so that he might show them the love that God had shown to him. Nevertheless, he resolved himself to respect her wishes and love and serve her in every way he could.

Unbeknownst to Lance, Linda had purchased a copy of a popular book written by a woman who had been married to a porn addict. In great detail the lady had written of her emotional sufferings living to a man obsessed with seeing explicit images. I would certainly never discount that pain, but the discerning eye will quickly see that she is living in a cloud of self-pity. Furthermore, her psychology-based response to his pornography problem is completely unbiblical. She believed that she should protect herself against the pain of his “mental unfaithfulness.” After all, didn’t Jesus equate lust with adultery in Matthew 5? Her entire book was founded upon the premise that “once a sexual addict, always a sexual addict; you can never expect this man to change.” Wives are advised to divorce their husbands so that they may protect themselves from any possibility of being hurt in the future.

This book told Linda exactly what she wanted to hear. Her feelings for Lance had dissipated during the year that they had been separated. She had “fallen out of love” with him. Jesus said, “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you...  And just as you want people to treat you, treat them in the same way. And if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.” (Luke 6:27-32) He also said, “But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.” (Matthew 6:15)

Unfortunately, Linda had more respect for man’s wisdom than the words of Jesus. She preferred to be ruled by her feelings than by God. Since she was not maintaining a regular, vibrant devotional life with the Lord, her feelings took God’s rightful place of lordship within her heart. The reality of God was small in her consciousness, while her emotions were huge. They dictated her decisions. Bolstered by this woman’s book, she became determined to divorce Lance.

The Role of Scripture

During this period of time, Linda expressed a willingness to attend counseling sessions with Lance so that they might both learn how to be better parents to their children through this divorce. Lance scheduled a meeting with a local biblical counselor. The counselor reviewed their situation and asked the question that any godly counselor should open the session with: “Are you both willing to obey the Word of God as we work through these issues?” Linda had not considered her situation from this perspective before but readily responded in the affirmative. The man then asked them what Scriptural support they had for their separation and impending divorce. Lance and Linda both sat in silence.

He wisely temporarily set the issue aside. The couple attended two more sessions with him. Finally, on the third visit, he said, “Linda, I want to help you learn to parent your children, but I don’t see that as a possibility if you continue to refuse to reconcile. How can you correctly parent your children if you are not willing to model a godly relationship before them?” he asked pointedly. “In the first session you stated that you were willing to obey Scripture.  I see no Scriptural support for this divorce. You must decide if you are willing to work toward the restoration of this marriage.” Linda responded, “I am not willing to reconcile with Lance.”

How tragic it is when someone decides that she knows better than God what is good for her life. Had Linda been willing to commit herself to obeying the Lord, she would have eventually found that her feelings for Lance would have returned more strongly than ever. She would have discovered that the love growing between them would be the powerful force of agape love—not fleeting human feelings.

Linda has made an extremely foolish decision that will ultimately bring her far more misery than had she gone against her fickle and vacillating emotions. She could have had what many other sincere Christian women would die for: a husband who truly loves God. Because of her selfish decision, her children must live in a broken home without their daddy. There is no reason that this story could not have ended in a happy and godly home.

Every now and then we hear about some murderer who attempts to escape the harsh consequences of his crime by pleading temporary insanity as his defense. His attorney finds some psychologist who will testify that the perpetrator had lost touch with reality and therefore should not be held responsible for his deeds.

Fortunately, this defense is usually rejected by the jury and the killer is required to face the rightful sentence for his offence. One could only imagine the increase in crime across our land if this defense tactic was successful more often!

The Modern Mindset: Justify with ‘Disease’ and ‘Disorder’

Could it be that our secular judicial system possesses an understanding about life that the Church is losing? I am referring to the disturbing mindset that is growing within Christian circles that people are victims of one kind of emotional abuse or another and therefore are not really responsible for their actions.

In my work with sexual addicts, I have heard a plethora of explanations over the years as to why men do what they do: “I molested that child because I was abused myself;” “My sexual addiction is a result of unmet emotional needs I carry from childhood;” and so on. Recently, a homosexual even told me that he had never lusted over another man. He claimed that his sexual activity was simply his attempt to find the love he didn’t receive as a child.

This modern approach even comes with its own terminology. The apostle Paul’s old fashioned words such as lasciviousness, uncleanness and fornication have been brushed aside in favor of softer more palatable terms such as, “sexual brokenness” and “gender confusion.” People who have given themselves over to habitual sexual activity are now considered to be victims of a “disease” or “mental disorder.” Of course, it goes without saying that there can be no guilt when a person’s actions are a direct result of being victimized.

That may work for some progressive-minded people, but I’m not convinced it will hold water with God. Can you imagine Saul explaining to Samuel that his rebellion was a result of unmet emotional needs? Try to envision David telling Nathan the prophet that he committed adultery and murder because he lacked self-esteem. I realize these are ridiculous notions, but are they really much different than the explanations that are offered by many today?

The Biblical Model: Admit and Acknowledge Disobedience

Of course, I understand as well as anyone that there are often contributing factors to people’s actions. But I have just one question: Why has it become so wrong to say… “I’m wrong”?

My dear friends, I would suggest to you that if we lose the concept of right and wrong we have lost everything. If we continue on our present course of explaining away our disobedient behavior, minimizing the evil nature of our sin and justifying our transgressions, we will lose the moral anchor of God’s Word. A wise and humble man will be extremely cautious about redefining behavior the Bible unequivocally calls “sin.”

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God’s manner of dealing with sin is well documented in Scripture. Over and over again He confronted sinners over their actions. Saul and David illustrate the two basic responses people have toward divine confrontation: they will either attempt to justify themselves or they will acknowledge their guilt and repent.

When Samuel rebuked Saul for allowing the king of the Amalekites to live, the old monarch minimized, blame-shifted and rationalized his deeds. His refusal to acknowledge his guilt left him unprotected spiritually. From that day on he spiraled downward, until by the end of his life, he was driven insane by tormenting devils. Apparently Saul never made the mental connection between his rejection of God’s reproof that day and the subsequent misery that increased in his life.

David’s actions with Bathsheba were far worse than Saul’s partial disobedience. However, when the prophet thrust his bony finger into his face and exclaimed, “You are the man!” David collapsed in overwhelming contrition. The cry, “I have sinned!” rose from the depths of his being. There were no excuses or elaborate explanations. He didn’t attempt to minimize what he had done. He understood that he was guilty.

For nearly two thousand years Jesus Christ has been transforming lives from the inside out through the age-old process of confession and repentance. Have we hindered the power of God to work in our lives through an unwillingness to acknowledge fault? Have we become like the hardhearted, adulteress of Proverbs 30 who, we are told, “eats and wipes her mouth, and says, ‘I have done no wrong.’”?

Our Sinfulness and Sanity on Judgment Day

I don’t know what is in the minds of murderers when they committed their dreadful crimes, but this I do know: there will be no insanity pleas on Judgment Day. We will all be held accountable for our actions. (Romans 14:12) Without a doubt, those who claim to have experienced temporary insanity when they committed some criminal act had a long history of rebellion and self-justification that precipitated it.

The fact is that, without God’s intervention in our lives, we are all on a course of ever-increasing madness. Surely the Preacher was right when he quipped, “The hearts of the sons of men are full of evil and insanity is in their hearts throughout their lives.” (Ecclesiastes 9:3) The path into mental and emotional well-being does not come by circumventing God’s prescribed methods of dealing with sin but by embracing them.

I don’t like being told I’m wrong any more than the next guy, but when I consider the tragic stories of Saul and Andrea, what other option do I have but to acknowledge when I am wrong? I don’t know about you, but the next time the Lord convicts me of sin, rather than rampaging through self-help books looking for some excuse to offer, I think I’ll just hang my head, bow my knee, and confess, “I have sinned!”

I had a sex change many years ago. Now I love Jesus and am willing to stay single the rest of my life to stay pure. Something keeps telling me that because I changed my sex and cannot change it back I am going to hell. Is this true?

Absolutely not! You cannot undo what has been done physically and God does not hold that against you. The “something” that keeps telling you this must certainly be the enemy. The devil knows that discouragement is one of his greatest tools to getting believers to give up.

If you have been truly converted to Christ, and it certainly sounds like you have, then you have a new spiritual body. Your physical body is a secondary matter.

Having said that, I must address the way you live your life. You were a man and had your sexual organs physically altered to resemble those of a woman. I assume you have also been on hormone therapy, which diminishes masculinity and enhances femininity. This leaves you very vulnerable to the enemy—who led you down this path in the first place.

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Should you live the rest of your life as a man or as a woman? That is something you must learn on your knees before God. He loves you and is not angry over what has happened in your past. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5) The Lord knows just what you should do in this difficult situation. Go to Him in the confidence that He wants to help you.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.” NLT

Over the past 11 years of walking alongside my husband as he battled his way out of sexual sin and into victory, I have discovered that my role in his life really is of vital importance. There are things within my power as his wife that I can do either to help him grow into a man of God, or things that I can do that will impede his growth and possibly lead to his failure. Many of these things I have learned the hard way! Let me share three main areas that come to mind as I consider my role as my husband’s helpmate.

I am His Partner

First of all, I am my husband’s partner. In 1 Peter 3:7 we read that a wife is an “equal partner in God’s gift of new life” (NLT). This means to me that I am my husband’s partner in all things—including his battle with lust. This is not just “his” problem, but something that we must work through together. We have learned to spend deliberate, consistent time both alone and together in prayer and Bible reading. This has knit our hearts together, and has provided a foundation of openness and transparency with each other as we seek to know the Lord more fully and live lives more pleasing to Him. Over time, as we grew together spiritually, we became partners in all areas of life.

I am His Supporter

Support is another thing that my husband has consistently needed through the years. The most obvious form of support, and most important, is that of prayer. A wife usually sees the needs of her husband more clearly than anyone, and must bear him in prayer. I consistently pray specific scriptures over my husband, and have been blessed to see the Lord answer those prayers in my husband’s life. Some general themes that I often pray for my husband include asking the Lord to help him see his need, make him love repentance, shine light on any darkness in his life, make him love the light, increase his character, etc.

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My husband needs my support in a practical way. As his wife, I must seek to safeguard our home. I try to make sure that our home is a safe place for my husband, and a place in which the Holy Spirit can dwell. I do not want anything in the home that could be a stumbling block for my husband. We have had to make decisions over the years about what all that means. For example, we chose 11 years ago to get rid of any type of TV or movies in our house other than an occasional G-rated movie that we may watch. While to some this may seem drastic, I can truly testify that the spiritual benefits we have reaped have been unending. In direct contrast, I can also testify about some wives I have known who were unwilling to support their husband’s desire in this area, and sadly, they are no longer walking in victory.

Many areas in which my husband has needed my support through the years required me to lay down my own desires and wishes. Philippians 2:4 says, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” At times this has meant that we don’t go places or on vacations like I have wanted. It has meant that we have had to limit our social events, or say no to people and invitations. I must confess that this has not always been easy for me or without struggle at times. However, the more I have yielded to the Lord in these areas and submitted to my husband, the more blessed and fulfilled I have been personally. And I have had the added pleasure of watching my husband grow in faith and purity.

I am His Accountability

Finally, I believe it is undeniable that a wife will play some role in holding her husband accountable for his purity and his walk with the Lord. While the mechanics of this may look different from couple to couple, the reality is that a wife is in a unique position to observe her husband’s daily life and actions. She is able to observe patterns of behavior, attitudes, and even secret sin that may be unnoticeable to another accountability partner.

At his request, I have always acted as my husband’s primary accountability partner. However, we have not lived or acted in isolation. We have spiritual elders in our lives that we have intentionally opened up our lives and hearts to. Their encouragement, rebukes, and love have been vital to our marriage and growth in the Lord. While it’s often better that a wife not fulfill the role of being her husband’s primary accountability partner (at least initially), she will most certainly need to act in tandem with other people who provide spiritual accountability in his life.

Discovering my role as my husband’s helpmate has certainly been a journey. It has been filled with growth, pain, joy, and love. But most of all it has been filled with Jesus. He has been our Strength, Redeemer, Guide, and Comforter. He has always been more than enough, and I know Him more intimately because of it. Eleven years of marriage, and I can gladly proclaim that I am so grateful the Lord called me to walk alongside my husband.

The man sitting across your desk has just admitted to being a convicted child molester. He has served his time and now wants to attend your church. What do you do? A situation like this requires a pastor to walk a fine line between compassion for the sinner and responsibility to other parishioners. We offer the following considerations:

• Pray for discernment regarding the man’s level of sincerity and deliverance.
• Tell the man that you have a legal and moral responsibility to do everything necessary to protect the children of the church.
• Meet with your board to decide whether you will only inform key people (i.e. children’s workers, etc.) or the whole church.
• Take into account the “gossip factor.”
• Inform the man he is forbidden to be around children—especially unattended.
• Assign a mature, godly man to monitor his movements while in the church.
• Require on-going counseling with a biblical counselor who can minister to him and stay abreast of his struggles.
• Be proactive. Have a plan and be prepared to act on it decisively and quickly should disaster ever strike.

I remember when the bottom dropped out like it was yesterday. I had been in the Pure Life Ministries Residential Program for about 4 months, and although I can't remember exactly what prompted me to pray, the prayer itself is still crystal clear. While standing on one of the prayer trails that stretch around the rural Kentucky campus, I said, "Lord, everything I have believed up to this point is worthless. Please teach me the truth."

That may sound like a strange prayer to the casual reader, but it came from the fact that despite growing up in the church, holding various ministry positions, and being seen as generally a nice guy, I was stuck in habitual sexual sin. My "beliefs" did not have the power to deliver me, and I knew it.

The prayer was sincere, and I have to admit that I was pretty proud of myself for praying such a courageous prayer. What I was not prepared for was the answer.

I assumed that God would "zap" me, and in a Solomon-like experience, I would receive some kind of superior wisdom and knowledge. Instead, the lights went out. I went into a spiritual tailspin. For months, I couldn't tell up from down. When I read the Bible, I couldn’t understand it any better than if I was reading it in Greek or Hebrew. Prayer was incredibly painful, because I realized I had no real relationship with the Being I was praying to. Sometimes I wasn't even sure what I should call Him.

Looking back on the episode, I realize that far from God abandoning me, He was coming closer to me than I had ever experienced. The ten trillion candlepower spotlight of His Holy Spirit pierced the darkness around my heart and showed me what I was actually like. The sight was devastating.

Why do I share this story? My point is that it was vital for me to have a safe place to go through the painful process of conviction, revelation, repentance, faith and restoration. I had soaked in the cesspool of pornography and sexual immorality for years, and I needed plenty of time and space to soak in God's presence. And I needed a place that created a natural barrier between me and my sources of temptation. How can a man ever recover from food poisoning if he continues to eat the food that is poisoning him in the first place?

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It is never pleasant when God helps a man overthrow the idol of sexual addiction, because He does it through discipline. God's discipline in a sexual addict's life is absolutely needed, and it's indescribably worthwhile, but it's incredibly painful. I honestly question, if when faced with the reality of the fight ahead of me, if I would have had the strength to withstand the onslaught of one-click sex that every man faces during the course of normal American life. It would have been too easy to simply go back to pornography in order to medicate myself from the pain.

But the months during the Residential Program were like safe haven for me. When I felt like God's conviction was too much for me, and I despaired of ever finding mercy, I had a counselor who encouraged me and prayed for me. When I was overwhelmed with sexual urges, I had dozens of fellow students who were going through the same thing. We rallied together during those times. After a difficult day at work, I came home to prayer groups, spiritual videos, or wonderful worship services. No matter what time of day or night, I had plenty of space to run after Christ and learn to put my faith in Him, maybe for the first time in my life.

The book of Hosea provides a beautiful description of God's process of winning someone back from their idols. God pours out His heart to Hosea and laments that Judah has gone after other lovers. So He devises a plan. He says that He will hedge up her way with thorns and build a wall around her so that she cannot find her paths. This will stop her from being able to find her former lovers. He knows that in the pain of her isolation she will say, "I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now."

The Lord later says that it is His intention to "allure her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." This mirrors my experience in the Residential Program. My life became a wilderness, hedged up and hemmed in by the presence of Almighty God. He had many difficult things to say to me, and I will thank Him forever that He chose to do it while I was in the safety of the Residential Program. He won my heart by His faithfulness, and He continues to win it more year by year.

There is no question that pornography has become mainstream in our culture, with its foul odor detected nearly everywhere. It should go without saying that pornography is one of the deceptive concoctions proffered by Satan, the “father of all lies.” Girls who subject themselves to it are allowing their perspectives and their hearts to be shaped and influenced by at least a half-dozen false premises conveyed through porn.

Lie #1: “My value as a person is determined by my sexiness.”

The more a young lady views pornography, the more this falsehood will become entrenched in her thinking. She will constantly be comparing herself to others. If she is skinny, she will lament the fact that she isn’t more buxom. If she has a full figure, then she will wish she were slender. Devils use this lie to relentlessly torment girls. The truth is that her value is in her life with God.

Lie #2: “Sex is the most important thing in life.”

This is the predominant theme woven through every script of adult entertainment films. Those who buy into this lie already have a track record of pursuing one pleasure after another in life—sex being the ultimate pleasure in their eyes. The truth is that sex—in its proper place—is a wonderful addition to life, but sex in itself can never provide lasting satisfaction.

Lie #3: “The girls in the porn industry are having the time of their lives.”

No, those girls are there because they see it as a ticket to money or fame. Any girl who thinks porn models and actresses are enjoying themselves would be well-advised to consider what a former starlet says about it. “I never liked sex,” writes Shelly Lubben. “I never wanted sex, and in fact I was more apt to spend time with Jack Daniels than some of the studs I was paid to ‘fake it’ with.”

Lie #4: “There is nothing sacred about sex.”

God created sexuality as a means for a husband and his wife to physically express their deepest devotion to each other. The adult entertainment industry has done its utmost to devalue it into purely animalistic behavior. Or, as Kathleen Parker (Washington Post) describes it, “…over-endowed adults consorting like a troop of deranged baboons…”

Lie #5: “Indulging my sexual desires is liberating.”

The image conveyed is one of carefree women reclaiming their freedom to fully experience life’s grandest pleasure. The truth is that sin always brings one into terrible bondage. Millions who have bought into this lie live in perpetual slavery. The “passing pleasures of sin” have long-since gone; all that remains are the ever-present demands of a relentless addiction.

Lie #6: “Illicit sex has no consequences.”

The images of delicious smiles and thrilling moments of ecstasy betray the truth of what comes later: shame, guilt, loss of self-respect, STD’s and perhaps worst of all: the corruption of the human soul. Pornography warps a person’s perspectives on sexuality, pollutes the mind, sears the conscience, hardens the heart and fills the inner life with perversion.

Pornography promises enormous satisfaction but leaves its user in utter misery. That’s the truth that the pornographers will never tell the girls who succumb to its enticements.

Jeremy sat slouched in the chair across from me as he attempted to find the right words to describe his struggle. His sagging spirit and angry outbursts had created alarm with his parents, who insisted he meet with me. A cloud of guilt and despair hovered in the atmosphere of my office. His eyes were cast to the floor, and his posture signaled that he’d long ago given up any hope of winning the battle.

After lovingly prodding and gently questioning him, I discovered that this young teenager was battling with masturbation. Feeling defeated, Jeremy began to doubt if there really was an all-powerful God who hears prayer. Where was God? Why was the temptation still so overwhelming? He’d begged God to deliver him from this temptation, but his repeated failures had left him frustrated and skeptical.

How would you counsel Jeremy? Would you laugh out loud and brush it off as nothing to be concerned about? Would you tell him to accept masturbation as God’s gift to the single man? Absolutely not! A godly counselor would begin by telling Jeremy the truth. Although masturbation is not specifically mentioned, an honest study of Scripture reveals the wrongness of it.

Jeremy needs to be told that although it is wrong, it is not an unpardonable sin! With his feet firmly planted on truth, one can now give him hope. He should be reminded that the fight against sin is one that every believer shares. He should also be assured that God has not abandoned him but has provided a “way out” (I Corinthians 10:13) that the two of you will seek together.

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Identify Necessary Changes

Having firmly established truth in his young mind, now it is time to give him some practical steps which will help him restructure his life. You must help him to see that it will require more than a few minor alterations to cut something as powerful as lust and masturbation out of his life. It will require “radical amputation.” (Matthew 5:29-30) Warn him that if he attempts to simply keep it at bay, then his efforts are doomed from the start. A few questions will help Jeremy think through what he can do to protect himself from temptation in the future: When is he usually tempted to masturbate? What are the events leading up to the temptation? Who are the people or places that stir the temptation most? He will probably need to “amputate” some people, places, idle time, and certain media intake from his life. Ask Jeremy to prayerfully consider this principle and then bring you a written list of the changes he needs to make in his life to break the habit of masturbation. You can assist in making it practical and attainable, and then hold him accountable to the new structure.

Shift the Focus from “No!” to “Yes!”

Another effective tool to use for Jeremy is a burning “Yes!” Too often our counsel to someone struggling in sin is littered with “No’s” throughout, but we fail to give him anything new to replace the sin. The Bible doesn’t just command us to stop sinning but tells us to replace it with godliness. (II Timothy 2:22) It would be wise to give reading assignments (biblical and extra-biblical) that will stoke the flame in Jeremy’s heart to know God in a greater way. Encourage him to establish and maintain a regular, vibrant devotional life. Help him to see the importance of meditating on some of the Psalms that extol the pleasures found in God. (Psalms 34, 36, 37, 42, 61, 62) Unless Jeremy begins to “taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8), he will keep returning to the same trough he’s been eating from. Awaken his spiritual taste buds to the glory and wonder of knowing and reveling in God’s presence. Then, hopefully, when that next temptation comes, he will stop and think, “Why would I sacrifice the satisfaction found in God for the cotton candy pleasures of the world?” As John Piper writes, “We must stock our minds with the superior promises and pleasures of Jesus.”

Encourage Service and Giving

Next, challenge Jeremy to start investing his life in other people. Nothing defeats a self-centered lifestyle like doing some good work that will benefit others. This kind of selfless service will destroy the tendency to isolate, will draw him closer to God, and will help him escape the prison of self. Help him to implement Romans 12:11: “Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serving the Lord.”

Practice Discernment and Patience

Finally, you should be prepared for a path of progress that has high’s and low’s. Don’t expect Jeremy to rocket right out of this after your first meeting. Remember, old habits die hard, and sin of any stripe won’t go down without a fight! Be patient with him, but watch his attitude. Is he stubborn and rebellious, resisting all your counsel or dragging his heels? Is he weak and uninformed? Does he look like he’s faint-hearted? Ask God to give you discernment about his heart. His condition doesn’t change the truth or principles of God’s Word, but it’s certainly a factor as to how to apply that Word to his life. The Bible does not take a “one-size-fits-all” approach to the problems people face. As First Thessalonians 5:14 tells us, “Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the faint-hearted, hold on to the weak, be patient with all.”

As soul physicians we must pray for discernment to apply the ointment of His Word to the right spot, in the right measure, and in the right way. We are exhorted to restore Jeremy and others “in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.” (Galatians 6:1) If we wield the “double-edged sword” with gentleness and love, we can anticipate great success in our efforts to help teenagers overcome the habit of masturbation.

The apostle Paul said, “Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.  For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.” (II Corinthians 4:16-17)

God transforms a man in two distinct ways: either through a miracle, which occurs instantaneously or through a process of change over an extended period of time.  Many drug addicts who persisted in their habits for years, have been set free instantly upon coming to the Lord.  God does not always choose to deal with them in this manner, although I have heard of many cases in which He has done so.

However, the Lord almost always deals with those in habitual sexual sin through a gradual, well-organized process of transforming the man into a new creation.  In all my years of counseling men who struggle with sexual sin, I could count on one hand those who were instantly delivered.

Just as it has usually taken a man years to entangle himself into such a spiritual mess, it will take some time for him to work his way out of it.  In today's “microwave” society, in which people get cured of their ailments quickly, we have become accustomed to expecting immediate results for everything we desire.  As a result, people often get impatient with God's timetable.  There are good reasons why change does not happen quickly.

One of the things we must realize is that if God were to instantly set us free, it would then be much easier for us to return to old habits.  However, when a person has to fight and struggle to break the powerful grip of sin, he will appreciate the freedom he eventually experiences.  All of the pain my wife and I have endured has had a real effect on me.  It has enabled me to see the consequences of my sin more clearly.  During those times of battling the temptations of sexual sin, I became determined to resist them, partly because of the price I had already paid.  I simply did not want to have to pay such a price again; I knew the end result all too well.

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God’s Timing

One should also realize that God deals with man in His own timing.  He knows when each person is prepared for the next step in the journey to freedom.  The person dealing with sexual sin can often see no further than that seemingly insurmountable sin in his life.  He wants to be freed of his sin and the suffering associated with it.  Yet God sees the man's heart and his entire future.  He knows there are many deeply-rooted issues which must be exposed and subsequently dealt with.  God is often more concerned about exposing and expelling the underlying issues of the heart than He is about the outward sin with which the person struggles.  Since the man is looking to Him for help, the Lord is able to use this critical period of his life to uncover other areas which are aiding and abetting his unremitting addiction to sex.

Oblivious to the fact that God has even greater plans for his life, the man bound up in habitual sin is inclined to be preoccupied simply with being set free.  Delivering him out of the clutches of his sexual sin is only part of what the Lord desires to do in his life, though.  For instance, the lack of love the man shows for those around him might seem to be a secondary issue, but it is a matter of extreme importance to the Lord.  Yes, He wants to see the man delivered, but He is also concerned about the character of that man once he has been "loosed" from his sin.  Will his selfishness simply be spent on being a work-a-holic?  Will he live out the rest of his life with no concern for the lost who are going to hell around him?  Will he continue to be self-centered with his family?  Will those at work have to continually endure his temper?  The man in sin often sees no further than the immediate freedom he desires, but the Lord looks at the long term results.

Learning to Fight

One of the things the Lord is accomplishing in the struggler’s life through this process is to teach him to fight and hate sin.  This change of heart comes about through the battle.

The Greek word which we translate as "overcomes" is nikao, which means to conquer or subdue.  It comes from the root word nike, meaning victory.  Thus, we learn that Christians are meant to conquer or subdue something.  Some synonyms for the word conquer are surmount, prevail against, subjugate, master and overpower.  These terms describe the kind of life the believer is expected to live and experience.

Consequently, the Christian sex addict must wage war against the sin that is dominating his life.  Rather than giving him an instantaneous deliverance or a desired “quick-fix,” the Lord wants him to learn how to battle against it.  Why?  In order that he learn to hate evil as the Lord does.  This is what victory is all about.

How Long will it Take?

An individual dealing with sexual addiction needs to understand that it takes time to overcome.  How long it will take depends on two things.

The first is the depth of his involvement with sexual sin.  Has the person been doing it for years?   Has he been in denial over his problem?  Has he been refusing to face responsibility for his actions?  How deep has he gone into depravity?  If there is proof that a deeply-rooted addiction exists, the time it will take to loosen the powerful hold that sin has had on him will be lengthy.

The other factor is the person's determination to find freedom at any cost.  Personally, I would rather work with someone who has long-standing problems but is honest with himself and is determined to endure whatever he must so that he may come into real victory.  Sometimes the man with the worst addiction is the one who finds the greatest freedom.  Understanding his need, he knows he must find his way to God no matter what.

As you go through this process of coming into freedom, keep your eyes on the Lord, not on the sin.  If you are always focused on how badly you are doing or your past sinful behavior, you will never sense any victory.  On the other hand, if you “Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth,” (Colossians 3:2) you will begin to see the One who is more than able to set you free.

People experiencing same-sex attraction often feel like they are defined by their struggles. Steve Gallagher challenges that notion as he shows us what the real issues are with homosexual lust.

‍Mike: Steve Gallagher has joined me in the studio.  Steve, thanks for coming in. We want to respond to an e-mail question that came in dealing with the issue of homosexuality. The writer wrote "Someone told me that a non-practicing homosexual - in other words, a man who lusts after men, but doesn't commit the act - is not in sexual sin. He just has to control his emotions and isn't really gay." The writer wants to know if that is true. Now let's deal with the second part first. Is a guy that's not practicing homosexuality really gay?

Steve: That whole line of reasoning comes from the gay activists who want to convince the world that some percentage - they want to say ten percent - of people are born homosexuals, so if you have those feelings then you are in fact a homosexual. But let me answer that question with my own questions: is a man a thief if he no longer steals? Is a man a liar if he only speaks the truth? We know the answer to those questions is "No."  It's just a very simple straight-forward reality if you're involved in homosexual behavior, then yes you could be construed as a homosexual; but if you're not involved in it, then no you're not a homosexual.

Mike: Even though you may have those temptations, or you may lust?

Steve: Yeah, the reality is that James said that "Each one is enticed and carried away by his own lust.” Those three words - "his own lust" -  represent an entire reality of mankind. Every person who has ever been born, except Jesus Christ, has his own lusts. One person is drawn to gossiping, another person's prone to alcoholism, another person has an inordinate desire for sexual things, and some have a tendency in their flesh towards homosexual behavior; but that does not mean that they are "a homosexual." What it means is there is a temptation to follow that line of activity, and if they start giving in to it and start giving over to that thinking, then that's lust.

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Mike: Well, let's talk about lust. What does the Word of God say about lust? Is it ok for me to lust after guys, as long as I'm not acting out in homosexual behavior?

Steve: Well, the Bible says a lot about lust. All through the New Testament especially lust is discussed because it is that inherent tendency or attraction within the fallen nature of man to desire sin -  that's what lust is, and of course especially sexual sin. Paul said in Romans 6 "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts." In Romans 13 he said "Make no provision for the flesh in regards to its lusts." In Galatians 5 he said "Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." He told Timothy "Flee from youthful lusts". So we see it over and over again, where lust is forbidden for the Christian - that it is something we should not be giving ourselves over to.

Mike: So in reference to this person that asked this question - he understands that the lust is not something to be pursued and he understands that the behavior is not something that's acceptable, regardless of how much lust may be there - is there hope for him?

Steve: Absolutely. The Bible does not tell us to do things that God will not give us the power to overcome. Lust is a natural tendency, but it is not something that the believer has to be subjected to the rest of his life. God's power is available to any believer who is willing to walk in the Spirit and have the mind of Christ.

Mike: As you walk in that Spirit, then your experience and my experience is that lust will dissipate.

Steve: The lust will dissipate. It's not going to disappear. You'll always be dealing with it in one form or another, but it does not have to dominate your life and should not dominate the life of any believer.

Mike: Amen. Thanks Steve.

Few issues have been as vexing to the modern Christian as the acceptance of homosexuality in the culture and even within the church. Some mainline denominations with a proud heritage of standing for God are selling their birthright at the altar of post-modern thinking and embracing what they believe to be a more “enlightened” view of sexuality—going so far as to ordain openly “gay” leaders, as well as marry same-sex couples.

Public sentiment has shifted at an astonishing pace from one of almost universal condemnation to wide-spread acceptance, if not outright celebration of a behavior the Bible unambiguously identifies as sin. Those who attempt to stem the tide of moral decline are branded as bigoted hate-mongers who deserve to be punished and silenced.

With that backdrop, it’s understandable that many Christians struggle to know how to respond. We’re no longer talking about a small group of radical homosexual activists hidden away somewhere in San Francisco.

Increasingly, believers are confronted with how to respond to a co-worker, a lifetime friend or even the painful dilemma of what to say to a son or daughter who suddenly proclaims they are “gay.” A good friend who has a homosexual couple living next door to him recently acknowledged, “I don’t know what to say to them. They are some of the friendliest and kindest people I know.”

As ambassadors for Christ, we simply have to come to terms with the fact that we will be called upon to share the inconvenient truth with people. Some situations will require us to choose between competing priorities, between maintaining a conflict-free, but superficial relationship, or saving a friend or loved one from hell. That’s not to say we should go about beating people over the head with our Bibles. But we can’t avoid discussing the difficult eternal issues either.

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In my experience, those involved in homosexuality also fall into those two general categories. On the one hand, there is the man or woman who has fully embraced a “gay” identity, and has fashioned their lives around what they perceive to be their innate and immutable identity as a homosexual person, including how that impacts their emotions, concept of sexuality and intimacy, associations, and, in fact, their entire worldview. They rarely have a genuine desire to know the truth.

On the other hand, the “struggler” is an individual who knows at some level that the behavior is wrong and has some genuine desire to turn from it, even though they experience same-sex attraction and may have even engaged in homosexual behavior. For this individual, there is an opportunity to provide hope, lead them to salvation if they have never been converted, and disciple them in the things of God as they begin to pursue a path of sanctification.

A ‘Ministry Model’ from the Gospel of Mark

We have in the Gospel of Mark a story that reveals some basic principles that can help us in our ministry to this person struggling with same-sex attraction:

“A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus, begging to be healed. ‘If you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean,’ he said. Moved with compassion, Jesus reached out and touched him. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be healed!’ Instantly the leprosy disappeared, and the man was healed.” (Mark 1:40-41 NIV)

1. The man had leprosy. This dreaded disease first appears as spots on the skin but it is not a superficial disease, finding its roots in the bones, marrow and joints of the body. Likewise, those struggling with homosexuality have great need to understand that homosexual lust is only a symptom of a much greater heart problem. They are not sinners because of homosexual lust. The opposite is actually true; they experience homosexual lust because they are sinners.

2. The man came to Jesus. This man at least had a clear sight of his physical need and came of his own free will. Those struggling with homosexuality cannot be driven to Christ.  They must be drawn to Him and that drawing can only be accomplished by the Father through the Holy Spirit. Jesus said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled him." (John 6:65b NIV) Any other inducement—fear, the desire to please others, dissatisfaction with their current circumstances, or even a temporary sense of shame or guilt—will eventually pass, leaving them without the inner motivation to stay the course which, by all measures will be a difficult one.

3. The man knelt in front of Jesus. “He kneeled and inclined his face to the ground, in token of deep humiliation and earnest entreaty.” So says the learned Bible commentator Albert Barnes. So it is that all genuine penitents must come—with a humble and contrite heart. Can you imagine this man saying to Jesus, “Hey Jesus, I’ve got this little spot here on my skin. You think you can help me out?” He was covered with rotten, stinking flesh! In a similar fashion, the individual struggling with homosexuality would be foolish to come to Jesus with his “little” problem, thinking proudly that the rest of his life must be very pleasing to God. A man or woman who is ready for the Lord to do the needed deep work in their heart will instead come like the prodigal son who exclaimed upon returning to his father, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” (Luke 15:21 NIV)

4. The man hoped in Jesus. He said to Jesus, “If you are willing you can heal me and make me clean.” From this statement, we learn two important things. First, that he had hope and second, that his hope was well-placed. It is of profound importance that these precious souls be encouraged to have hope. Many sincere Christians have struggled for years with same-sex attraction before finally being overcome by their lust. Others have a long history of failure that has killed any hope they might have had that things could be different.

Undoubtedly, the leper had heard the words of Jesus and had seen Him heal others. I know of no better way to engender hope in the hearts of the hopeless than to share the promises of God and to testify to the faithfulness of those promises in our own lives. Peter, a man who knew something about hopelessness, exhorts us, “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” (1 Peter 3:15 NIV)

We also learn that that small amount of hope the leper had was placed entirely in Jesus. Like the woman with the issue of blood, he had evidently concluded that no one else could meet his need. Likewise, those with homosexual lust must come to believe that Jesus is the only one that can give them new life and cure their condition...not Jesus plus works, Jesus plus psychotherapy, Jesus plus positive thinking or Jesus plus anything else. Their faith, their trust must be placed in Jesus alone to forgive, cleanse, transform and eventually to bring them into Glory.

5. The man was instantly healed. This begs the question:  what does “healing” really mean to one struggling with homosexuality? Does it mean that God will remove same-sex attraction when one turns to Jesus? In my many years of dealing with the issue of homosexuality, I have met a handful of men and women who have experienced a complete release from same-sex attraction. I must say that has not been the case in my own life, nor in the lives of most people I know. For most, the experience is one of a diminished intensity over time as God does a deeper sanctifying work in the heart.

Biblical Truths Concerning Ongoing Temptation

When the absence of all same-sex attractions becomes the single focus, it’s sad to see some conclude that God has somehow failed them when it doesn’t happen. This discouraging way of thinking can be avoided if one considers biblical truths concerning the nature of the flesh and temptation.

It is critical that the struggler understand that they do not have a “special” problem that requires some unique solution. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

He must understand that as long as we remain in these mortal bodies, our flesh will remain fleshly, and we will have to do battle against it. (Romans 7:21-23)

Those who desire to overcome homosexual lust must become fighters with the understanding that this battle cannot be waged in their own strength, but must be waged and won in the power of the Holy Spirit. (Galatians 5:16-18)

Ultimately, as with anyone who claims the name of Jesus Christ, the sincere Christian who struggles with homosexuality must count the cost and decide whom they will serve. Once this decision has been firmly made, victory is assured.  Jesus said, “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son. (Revelation 21:6-7 NIV)

Christian women are informed by culture’s immorality.

Immorality has always been simmered just under the surface of society’s accepted norms. But Satan envisioned an America free from all moral restraints, and he has successfully transformed the moral landscape of the U.S. into a sexual playland where practically the only behavior frowned upon is abstinence.

This is the thoroughly sexualized culture the average 25-year-old Christian girl has been raised in. Consider this: By the time she entered puberty, Playboy magazine had already celebrated its 50th birthday, the marriage of the adult entertainment industry to America was enjoying its 35th anniversary and a new generation of pornographers were already utilizing new opportunities presented by the internet.

Unquestionably, pornography dominates the landscape of the Internet, boasting upwards of 5 million websites. And according to one source, 28% of visitors to adult websites are female. (1) This is not limited to the unchurched, either: a poll conducted by Today's Christian Woman's online newsletter found that 34% of its readers admitted to intentionally accessing online pornography. (2)

Nor is this all. Many women are involved in romantic chatrooms and messaging apps; in fact, women are twice as likely as men to visit chatrooms. (3)

Some women are attracted to (and often become addicted to) this kind of romance because it is strictly anonymous and they don’t have to concern themselves with messy breakups, STD’s or an unwanted pregnancy. One pastor’s daughter who valued her virginity gave the following as an added benefit to her online romance: “It was beautiful for me, because I didn’t have to give him my body in return.”

The most surprising fact to emerge from current statistics about cyber-sex is that the percentages of churched and unchurched people involved appear to be about the same. This seems to indicate that the lifestyles of multitudes of evangelicals are not much different than those of flagrant unbelievers.

Unquestionably, the mainstreaming of pornography has warped the thinking of today’s young people. However, it would be wrong to give the pornographers all of the credit for the new morality of our day. For instance, feminism has told young women to go after what they want and to live for themselves. The media has been conditioning girls—from a very early age—to the lie that their value is in their sexiness. Even our culture of prosperity has taught young women that it is their right to indulge every desire and to experiment with every curiosity—“I wonder what it would be like to…”

The moral climate of today’s young people is much different than previous generations. It is true, we Baby Boomers rebelled against the morality of preceding generations, but at least this moral mindset was in place to reject. Although we challenged it, we grew up in a day when there was a basic understanding of right and wrong behavior. Once we experienced the season of pleasure that comes with sin, many of us came to the Lord and returned to the morality of our forefathers.

But today’s young woman must navigate her way through a plethora of enticements without the moral foundation that was previously taken for granted. Of course, many Christian girls have avoided these traps and are faithfully following the Lord. Nevertheless, many others are falling prey to these sensuous allurements—apparently a frightening number of them.

Christian women are influenced by their own impulses.

The desire for the attention of men has lurked within the hearts of women from time immemorial. From the earliest age, girls inherently understand that, to a large degree, their beauty establishes their value as a person in our society.

In the past, a woman who wanted to be noticed might consider wearing a low-cut blouse or perhaps a clinging skirt. Today’s young women are operating on an entirely different level. They have been raised on the Internet—a world with its own activities, culture and value system. For instance, female exhibitionism (via photos and videos) is becoming an increasingly common practice. Even churched girls are privately admitting to posting provocative images of themselves online.

The longing for intimacy is another avenue into promiscuity. The willingness of girls to give up their virginity because they believe their boyfriends love them is nothing new—although the high percentages might be.

What is certainly new is the number of girls who are willing to step outside of conventional expressions of sexuality in search of that intimacy. Judy was one such person. “I just wanted to be held… to be loved,” she recalls. She soon discovered that guys were more than willing to hold her but offering true love was another matter. In her desire to connect emotionally, Judy eventually turned to other women—another escalating phenomenon among young girls.

In the past, a girl might rebel against the norms of society and opt for the lesbian lifestyle. But she understood that her decision would very likely mark her behavior as being aberrant—perhaps even bizarre. However, in our current anything-goes culture, girls who opt for sexual relationships with each other are considered chic; they are celebrated as role models.

One thing has become abundantly clear: sexual sin is not just a man’s issue anymore. Pastors, Christian counselors and women’s ministry leaders have to equip themselves to respond much more effectively to the rising challenges facing Christian women in a post-porn culture. The message this generation urgently needs is that the desire for attention and longing for intimacy fueling their passions will only be fulfilled in a meaningful relationship with Jesus Christ.