When we talk about the need for brokenness in order to escape from the grip of sexual sin, it is important to understand brokenness from a biblical perspective and not from a worldly or psychological point of view.

What is brokenness and where does it come from? Should Christians seek brokenness as a means of getting closer to the Lord and overcoming life-dominating sin? Or is brokenness an unfortunate side effect of upbringing and environment? Jim Lewis shares the biblical perspective. (From #354 - What Role Does Brokenness Play in Freedom from Porn?")

Read any journal or blog article written from a psychological perspective on the subject of brokenness, and the writer will offer sympathetic words about the pervasive nature of struggle, grief, depression, and how emotional pain afflicts seemingly every soul. After all, they will say, “we are all broken.”

And when people in general, even those in the psychologized culture of today’s church, speak of their own brokenness, they speak of it in one of the following ways:

Some speak of brokenness as the result of being sinned against. “I was sexually abused as a child, and that left me scarred and broken.”

And others use the word broken to describe having to endure great suffering or grief.  “The loss of both of his parents in the accident made him a broken man.”

As a biblical counseling ministry for men in sexual sin, we see more than our share of this kind of brokenness. We see men who have been terribly abused, who have been greatly sinned against, who have suffered much and experienced the pain of loss and grief. And we help these men deal with many of these issues by applying the comforting balm of the Word of God to their hearts and trusting it will be applied to them by the Spirit of God, Whom Jesus called the Comforter.

But many others use the term brokenness to explain the reason why they sin. They say something like “In my brokenness from feeling abandoned by my father, I pursued pornography and self-gratification.” According to this line of thinking, sinful attitudes and actions against God are conceded as permissible, even unavoidable, because something happened to them which needs fixing.

So why are we suggesting in this show that brokenness is a key element in finding freedom from pornography and other sexual sin? It’s really quite simple: When the Bible speaks of brokenness, it means something entirely different than the examples I already gave. Biblical brokenness is something to be pursued, not avoided. Something to be embraced, and not something from which you need healing. Something that brings freedom from sin, not enslavement to it. Biblical brokenness is a good thing, and will do you good.

Listen to the way David speaks of brokenness in Psalm 51:16-17

For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;

You are not pleased with burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

In this psalm, King David has come to grips with the horror of his sins of adultery and murder. And in this light, David confesses that what would please God most is if David had a broken spirit. He didn’t sin because he was broken. He sinned because he wasn’t. This admission is baffling, maybe even abhorrent to those who have been schooled in the thinking of psychology.

{{blog-bwalk="/blog-ads-storage"}}

Let’s also look at Psalm 34:18:

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted

And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34 is a psalm that celebrates that God has come to David’s rescue, and saved him from a perilous situation. In it he reflects on those whom the Lord watches, whom He regards, whom He rescues. He describes the righteous as those who are brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. The righteous are those who seek the Lord, cry out to the Lord, and take refuge in the Lord. The righteous are not those who are strong in themselves, but who have no strength. They are humble, meek and poor in spirit. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him.

The Bible clearly shows us that God both desires brokenness and rewards broken people with the wonder of His presence and the power of His deliverance.

But why?

Because pride is the base sin behind every other sin. Every sin is an act of rebellion against God, and so every sin is an act born in pride. Pride is what keeps us from seeing our need for God and coming to Him for help and salvation. God can only do work in the life of the humble, because only the humble will see his need and ask for help. The Bible says that “God stands opposed to the proud but give grace to the humble.”

It was pride that caused David to lust after a woman, pride to think he could have another man’s wife; pride to think he would get away with it. When Bathsheba sent word to him that she was expecting his child, it was pride that kept him scheming, seeking to cover his tracks, and pride that gave him permission to have her husband cut down and killed on the battlefield.

His pride only finally broke under the conviction of God when the prophet told him that his sin was known, that it was repugnant to God, and that it would cost him the life of his infant son. His brokenness in Psalm 51 is not the brokenness of being sinned against, or of loss, or of suffering. His brokenness is the great coming down of his pride.

Men come to Pure Life after years and decades in secret sexual sin. We know that they come to us overflowing in pride because we arrived here the same way. In proud rebellion against God we pursued our sin and the more we sinned the prouder we became, until we reeked of it. Then our sin started to pay its wages, and our lives began to unravel. We came here for the Lord to rescue us.

And How did he do it? In many ways, the most important of which was that we had to come way, way down in our pride, and we had to come into brokenness. Our brokenness made us open to His work. Our brokenness led to real repentance. And our brokenness allowed God to really get to work in our lives.

It is this repentance from pride and coming into humility that makes us pleasing to God. When we see our sins as a grievous offense to the heart of a holy God, we ought to be humbled. When we see ourselves as totally depraved and helpless without Him, desperately in need of a Savior, we ought to be humbled. Jesus declared that happy and blessed are the poor in spirit and those who mourn. He comforts those who come way down in their pride and blesses their lives. Coming down in our sinful pride, coming into humility and real brokenness is a major key to finally getting free from addiction to porn.

In part 4 of our current series, we look at the role deliverance plays in gaining freedom from porn.

We discuss various aspects of our war against the Enemy, and his various strategies to defeat us. We see that God wants to deliver us, but He is after so much more than just our sexual sin. He wants our whole lives.

Ken Larkin is a biblical counselor at Pure Life Ministries. In this recent interview, he explored from the Scripture the story of a woman with a great need, and discussed how she sought out Jesus for healing.

Ken showed how this relates to the man in sexual sin, and his need for prayer, desperation, and sincere faith to overcome life-dominating affliction. (From #353 - What Role Does Faith Play in Freedom from Porn?")

Jim: Ken Larkin is a biblical counselor here at Pure Life Ministries and he's joined us in the studio today to discuss the vital importance of prayer, and specifically the need of the man who is locked in sexual sin to never stop praying, never stop seeking the Lord, and never stop reaching out for freedom. Ken, thank you for joining us here today.

Ken: Pleasure to be here, Jim.  

Jim: Ken, some time ago Steve Gallagher was heard to quote a Christian therapist who had said, “the worst thing you can do with people involved in pornography is lecture them about praying more and asking God for help. They've already done that, often to the point of despair.” And Pastor Steve referred to his words as ‘blasphemous,’ because this Christian therapist went on to assert that the only real hope for sexual addiction could be found through psychotherapy. He was clearly inferring that God is not trustworthy. You can cry out to him until you're blue in the face, and nothing is going to happen. So, let's start right there. From your many years of counseling men in sexual sin, how important is it to pray and pray and not give up? How important is it to cry out to the Lord for help?

Ken: Well, Jim, I would say indispensable. The only way that God has really prescribed anyone to be set free from sin is through His Son Jesus Christ, and Jesus Himself said, “Ask, seek, and knock.” The remedy is to cry out to God in faith, knowing and believing that He can deliver you from your sin, and not to stop crying until you get that help that you need. There's a scripture, Hebrews 4:15-16. “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who is tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy in fine grace to help in time of need.” And I see that, really, as a huge invitation from the Lord for anyone that needs help, that we can come to his throne; and I love the way he coupled that word mercy with grace. God, in your condition, will give you mercy that you don't deserve, and forgive you of your sin as you’re repenting of it, but He's also going to give you the grace to help in time of need; the grace to overcome that very sin that you're crying out to be delivered from.

Jim: And so we can come to God with an attitude of confident expectation, not demanding as though he owes it, and not begging as though he were unwilling, but I like the old word beseeching; and that is humbly and even desperately seeking, but knowing that He hears and intends to answer us. Do you see this attitude in the man who comes into breakthroughs in our Residential Program?

Ken: Absolutely and I would say that is the one thing that would define the difference between those who really get deliverance while they're here and the ones that don't. They've already tried all their own resources before coming here. So the only help that they possibly have is to cry out to God until He delivers; and He alone can deliver and He will deliver everyone who asks Him in the name of his Son.

Jim: Ken, I want to turn to a very familiar story found in the scripture. It's in Mark 5, and here we find the story of the woman with the issue of blood. Tell us what you can about her desperate situation.

Ken: Well Jim, she had had this issue of blood for 12 years, and with that there was a social stigma according to Jewish customs of the day. She would have been ceremonially unclean, what we would call an untouchable today. And a lot of people equate that with sexual sin. No one wants to touch these people. And she was desperate, and she had tried every human resource. She went to the experts, the doctors, and she really spent everything she had to try to get the help that she needed, that physical healing, and nothing helped. So she was in this dilemma, where she'd done everything she could and probably running out of hope, that there really was no answer for her.

Jim: Ken, in your own personal experience, can you relate to this woman? Had you sought help from many sources before finally getting free through faith in Jesus?

Ken: I did. I went to worldly wisdom. I was the self-help type guy, too ashamed in a lot of ways to reach out for help, go into a counselor or anything like that. But I did all that anyway because I did it through human wisdom, through books, different self-help type things, trying to get myself out of this. And there was nothing that would deliver me. I remember when I applied for the program, the director asked me, “Why do you want to come here?” And I said “if anything else was going to work it would have already happened,” so I knew that only the Lord could ultimately set me free.

Jim: So getting back to our story, one day this woman heard that Jesus of Nazareth was in town. And she decided that she would do what she could to get to Him. Can you tell us what happened when she went out that day in search of healing?

Ken: Well she went out and there was a huge crowd around Jesus, and probably weakened from her condition of having this ailment for years, it was seemingly impossible that she could actually get through that crowd to touch Jesus, but she knew that she was in desperation and she knew her only hope was in Jesus. “If I could just touch the hem of his garment, I will be healed.” So she was determined to press through the crowd and get ahold of Him while she could, while He was passing her way.

Jim: Ken, you mentioned the word desperation. Here at Pure Life, we pray that God will send us desperate men who are desperate for real change. How important is this desperation?

Ken: It's indispensable, because ultimately only God can set a person free. And if they're not desperate, they're not going to be willing to cry out to God until that happens. We all want a quick fix, take a magic pill and everything's going to be fine. But God, in sexual sin, usually doesn't work that way. It's through a process of deliverance and it's only through crying out to God consistently and learning to submit yourself to Him, He gives you that direction in your life. Because He does lay out a path for freedom in His word, but it's only by His grace that we can walk into freedom. So it's indispensable. I would say definitely that's one of the most important ingredients for anyone who is truly seeking the be free, to have their faith in God in the desperation just like this woman. “I must touch the hem of His garment to be made whole, and I'm not going to stop until that happens.”

{{blog-b20="/blog-ads-storage"}}

Jim: The other key word that you just mentioned was faith. Tell me, Ken, in your experience as a counselor, how important is a man's faith to him finally gaining freedom?

Ken: It's very important because only God can set you free. But faith is that spiritual thing, if you will, that links you to the power of God. And there's two ingredients that I would say are indispensable for someone seeking help from the Lord. Number one, to believe that God is really that good and merciful and willing that He wants to set the sinner free, He wants to deliver the sexual sinner. But the other thing is that He has the power and the ability to do it, and those coupled together is that faith that has a confident assurance that, not only am I crying out to God, maybe my situation is desperate, but I'm not hopeless because God is going to hear me when I cry out to Him.

Jim: Now even though we might already know it, finish the story for us. What happened with this woman when she reached out to touch Jesus?

Ken: Well she was able to reach out and touch the hem of Jesus' garment. And really, it seemed like, considering her situation in a crowd, how was she going to get through to Jesus? So the beautiful thing about this story is, I believe, even the grace of God enabled her on a journey to make that connection with the Lord. And she was able to reach out and touch the hem of His garment. And just like she believed, as soon as she touched Him, the healing power of God went through her to completely eradicate, completely set her free from this physical ailment, destroy it from the roots up, what no human invention, what no doctor could do for her, Jesus did that day.

Jim: Every story in Scripture has a meaning and it has an application. Speaking directly to the man who is listening to us today, the man who has tried many things only still to be stuck in his sin, what would you say to him today about faith, desperation, and seeking a touch from the Lord?

Ken: Well this scripture is an excellent example of the type of qualities that are going to be important for anyone seeking freedom. And taking the example of this woman, she was persistent and she had faith, knowing they God could and would deliver her if she could just get ahold of Him, and having that same desperation. You might feel like her; you might feel unclean spiritually because of your sexual sin, she was unclean physically, but the same God who was able to cleanse her and deliver her from this physical ailment can do it for you. But you have to cry out in faith and believe that God wants to do it and He will do it and keep crying out till it happens. That's the desperation we need. Not a hopelessness that there's no hope (maybe God might answer my prayer) but a desperation that I have to be delivered I have to be set free and Jesus will do it as you cry out to Him and don't stop until you get that deliverance and you get the freedom that you're asking for.

Jim: Ken as we wrap up today I wonder if in your own personal experience you found that having persistence, that having a faith that just wouldn't quit that the practice of crying out and crying out is what made all the difference in your freedom and in your deliverance from the Lord

Ken: Yes, what I would say Jim, is in my life I had tried to be free of decades of sexual sin, trying to be free, trying to do all the right things, but it wasn't until I really began to cry out to the Lord that I started seeing something happen. And it was a continuous thing; it wasn't like I just cried out to the Lord once and I was free. God kept working in my life until finally one day I looked back and I was free. I wasn't – my life was no longer dominated by this, so I can say that it was the prayer, it was the crying out to God; it was believing God wanted to, was willing and He was able to set me free. And as I cried out to Him persistently, God did that in my life. I got desperate enough to ask and God answered that prayer in a bigger way than I could have hoped for. And today I'm in freedom that I at one time I thought I would never ever experience.

Jim: Thank you, Ken, for your counsel, for your work on behalf of men in sexual sin. Thank you for your words here today.

Ken: Thank you, Jim.

“I just wish my life could be worse than it is. If only it were full of curses!” There is not a single person who would ever say this, because since man’s departure from the Garden of Eden the deep longing in every soul (whether it is acknowledged or not) is to be free of the consequences of Adam and Eve’s disobedience.

This fallen world presents us with trials and tribulations of all sorts. While some of it comes from life’s natural difficulties, other sufferings stem from our own sin coming back on us. To numb the pain and misery many often turn to the carnal enticements the devil offers, with pornography being the most pervasive inoculation. But constantly turning to demonic sources only brings on more pain and more misery and more need for medicating.

This is NOT God’s prescription for his child.

He desires to bless and be a blessing to His people. Jeremiah 29:11, 13 (NLT) says, “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the LORD. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope…If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.’” However, this does not negate the Lord’s disapproval of sin as “…He will by no means excuse the guilty.” (Exodus 34:7, NASB). This demonstrates the God-designed principle of sowing and reaping.

So, what does this mean for the Christian in the battle against porn addiction? How does one exit the cycle of curses and get onto the path of God’s blessings? There is no fast-track. It is a lifestyle of obedience taken one step at a time.

As you watch this video you will hear Steve Gallagher explain how a lifestyle of obedience brought upon him God’s blessings and ultimately into lasting freedom from pornography.

{{blog-b20="/blog-ads-storage"}}

For many Christians in the grip of pornography, they have little to no hope that they will ever see the day when they will be free. Why should they when their track record shows nothing but continual failure? Hopelessness, despair, and misery seem to be all that lie ahead.

These kinds of characterizations constantly inundate the struggling addict. They do not originate from the throne of mercy and grace, but from the throne of cruelty and hate. What is the enemy’s purpose in filling the Christian’s mind with such gloomy deceits? The aim is the destruction of the believer’s faith in the concrete truths found in Scripture. The devil knows full well that faith and freedom go hand-in-hand.

Contrary to the powers of darkness, God’s desire is to build faith in His people. The Bible includes many promises that are meant to inspire the child of God to walk in faith and to believe what he is reading. Isaiah 49:23 (NLT) says, “Those who trust in me will never be put to shame.” The ultimate promise for the believer is freedom from sin because of Christ’s death on the cross. John 8:36 (NSAB) says, “So if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.”

Do you believe that? This is no mere self-esteem exercise to will you into victorious living. Christ’s spilled blood and His miraculous resurrection are the down payments for your freedom. What follows next are your footsteps in the direction of victory and away from sin.

Steve Gallagher expounds on this foundational aspect of the Christian’s life, explains the believer’s role in faith, and how God used it to help him win the battle with porn addiction. Also, Steve shares a key practice from his own life that you can apply as well to strengthen your faith.

{{blog-b20="/blog-ads-storage"}}

In your fight against pornography, you’ve been able to stack a few days or even weeks of victory together. You feel like you’ve got your life on track with the Lord, your family, and your church. Then comes a string of temptations that catch you off guard and you give in. Sound familiar?

Besides the addiction itself, if there is one thing that all Christians in sexual sin face when straining for victory, it’s failure. Sometimes it seems as if you have tried every imaginable strategy; books, accountability groups, and Scripture memorization. You have experienced some freedom applying these measures, yet an unexpected moment of weakness pulls the rug out from under you and you find yourself wondering if it was all worth it. You not only have the consequences of the sin to deal with, but along with the crash comes hellish voices hailing despair and doom adding insult to injury. Will there ever be lasting relief?

If your Christian walk has seen disappointment in your own battle with sexual sin and if you’re discouraged by setbacks and feel destined to be a slave to pornography, take heart and watch this video! In Steve Gallagher’s own fight for purity, God has revealed to him how He was using his failures to bring him closer and closer to victory. You’ll hear Steve share Biblical principles that can be applied to any struggle by any Christian desiring to finally be free of sexual sin. When the battle seems all but lost, just keep fighting! Don’t forget that “if God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31 ESV)

{{blog-b20="/blog-ads-storage"}}

There is an enemy out there that is more subtle and craftier than the overt sexual sin. Millions more are addicted to it than to pornography, yet there are no self-help programs or other modern psychological solutions to be found. That enemy is what the Bible calls the “spirit of the world,” and victory over sexual addiction for the Christian comes with its defeat.

The “spirit of the world” is the underlying godless mindset steering the culture at large. That doesn’t sound like something subtle, but because we live in it every day, we have become numb to its pull. The pursuit of temporal pleasures and seemingly endless avenues for immediate entertainment have deadened our senses to evil thereby allowing its corrupting influence to dictate how we live our lives. The average Christian looks more like the average non-church goer who is more focused on the next episode of today’s popular on-demand series than obtaining his daily marching orders from the King of Kings.

Steve Gallagher explores this topic from personal testimony and Biblically unmasks the driving force in our culture. This video is an eye-opener for any Christian fighting to be free from the seductions that surround him.

{{blog-b20="/blog-ads-storage"}}

Many wives have been led to believe that they are to blame for their husband’s sexual addiction. A husband’s accusations of inadequate or infrequent intimacy often lead to regret, grief and heartache.

To make matters worse, these accusations are often reinforced by family members, church leaders and emotional or mental health experts.

Many believe that more sex will fix this problem, or that cosmetic surgery will create enough excitement to curb a man’s addiction. Well-meaning counselors may even suggest that a more adventurous sex life will bring a man’s passions under control.

The problem with these “fixes” is they are simply attempts at controlling sexual addiction, and will inevitably fail. A man addicted to sex will be out of control until his addictions are put off once and for all.

In part 3 of our current series, we answer the question, "What Role Does Repentance Play in Freedom from Porn?"

We look at Repentance from a biblical perspective, understand how God uses it, and hear testimony of how Repentance is on the path that leads to freedom and life.

Can marriage cure a lustful heart? Many may think it can, but only the Lord can change a man’s heart. Couples considering marriage should seek to be overcoming in their walk with the Lord before committing to marriage.

Pure Life Ministries co-founder and former Director of Women’s Counseling Kathy Gallagher shares with Jim Lewis practical insight about the problem of pornography and if marriage can cure a lustful heart.

Jim: We recently received an e-mail here at Purity for Life from a young woman who wants to know, should I move forward in my engagement with my fiancé now that I have discovered he has an issue with pornography? How would you answer that question?

Kathy: I would answer that question by saying you probably should wait. I definitely would not marry a guy who is struggling with pornography, because getting married is not going to make that problem go away. A lot of people think it would. A lot of people believe that getting married is the answer to their lust, their fantasy life, to their passions for each other. But marriage (temporarily) may calm that down some, but the issue is not marriage. Getting married will not change a heart, and that is what lust is: a heart issue. It's a sin issue, so yeah, I definitely would tell this young woman, or any woman for that matter, who's contemplating getting married, if a man is struggling with pornography, it's better to wait, definitely better to wait.

Jim: Kathy, so many times we see this in the men who come to Pure Life. They sincerely believed that when they got married, this problem with porn would just go away. And we also see women who knew of their husbands’ issue before they got married, but she believed the same thing: when we get married, he'll get better. What would you say to the engaged couple to warn them?

Kathy: I would definitely be dealing with them looking at each other as the answer to their passions. You know, there is the side to people that love each other, and they want to be together and obviously the union the sexual union is a tremendous thing for a couple, when they get together. I don't want to discount that or minimize the power of that connection that a man and a woman have together.

But for a guy who's struggling with pornography, and that's been his “go to” to satisfy the lust that's in his heart, and that's the issue, it's a lust issue, it's not just a physical build up, it's that, but it's lust, and if he's been giving over to that, that has been his way of life, he may find that marriage is disappointing. Because what happens with pornography and what happens in person are very different.

And men tend to be very visual, and it just does not play out the same way in married life. If you've been corrupted by pornography you don't see things right; you don't think right about sex, and so for a woman to marry into that corrupted thinking, she's asking for trouble.

She's asking for problems, she's asking for heartbreak, because he needs to go through a period of some serious counseling and some serious repentance and getting his heart and his mind right, and bringing his body under control of the Holy Spirit before he goes into marriage instead of thinking “if I marry, if we get married right away, then I won't have to deal with this anymore.” That is a lie. You will still deal with it because it's in your heart. It's a heart issue, and that's what has to be dealt with.

Jim: So you absolutely believe that this man needs help. He needs to get help. He can't handle this on his own. Would you also recommend that the woman get help and counsel as well?

Kathy: Absolutely! Yes, she needs help. She needs to know what she's stepping into and go into it with her eyes open. Now any woman that understands the power of addiction, sexual sin in particular, pornography specifically, and she has studied it, researched, learned about it, even been to counseling, and then decides to go into it, then you know, yeah, what are you going to say? I can just tell you from a lot of experience, personal and just counseling for decades, women who have done that, who have gone into it with kind of a Pollyanna sort of a rose-colored glasses mentality about that, that I am going to be enough for him -- I had the same thought. I really did believe that it wasn't before I got married, but I, after Steve and I were married, and all this stuff came out, I really thought that if I did certain things, that he would see how amazing I am, and that I could satisfy all his desires. That was such a lie and such a … I was in so much denial and didn't want to face the truth or the reality of what he was in and what he was dealing with, and so, yeah, I highly recommend getting into counseling with people who know what they're talking about when it comes to sexual sin. Not just go to some psychotherapist and whatever, but people who have really been down the road and understand what sexual sin is and how it should be dealt with in a biblical way, because you're not going to be able -- you're not enough. I hate to say that but it's true, you are not enough to keep him from wanting to go back to that place where is very comfortable and very soothing to go back into the pit of pornography.

{{blog-bwalk="/blog-ads-storage"}}

Jim: We have to believe that this is a Christian woman writing us to ask this question and probably a church member. How important is it to bring this issue into the light with spiritual authority to take this issue to the pastor who may not know, and allow him to guide them and give them his counsel?

Kathy: Yeah, definitely the thing to do. They should both humble themselves. They both would have to, especially the man, requires a great deal of humility or humbling yourself to get to go to somebody, a spiritual leader, especially someone that you probably want to impress and acknowledge and be real with and open about. And the woman as well, needs to -- it's humiliating for her as well. So they need to come together in that sense and go before a spiritual leader. But I would say this: it is so important to understand the heart of your pastor and what kind of counseling are you going to get, because there's a lot of people who are spiritual leaders, not all for sure, but there are spiritual leaders who would say, who believe that if you got married, the whole thing will just blow over, and it's just not the case. I've been doing this for too long and it's really important for both of you to get good solid Biblical counseling from godly people who know what they're talking about.

Jim: Let's take a best case scenario, and say that this young man gets counseling that his fiancée gets counseling as well. He is overcoming his sexual sin, he's walking it out. Is there a rule of thumb? How long should they wait before they finally get married?

Kathy: Well, that's kind of a hard thing to say, because it really does depend on him. How well is he actually doing? How, you know, all of that… I guess for me, and I tend to be on the cautious side, I would say give it a year. I know that sounds like an eternity for young people, but believe me, you both will not regret waiting, praying, and walking in the victory. If that's what you have, if you are, overcoming is a better word, I don't like the word victory, if you are overcoming, if you're an overcoming believer, and you're doing that for a good solid year, I would say then you're both more prepared for the future, and yeah, to be a married, to be a one unit. I’m calling it a one-unit couple, you become one at marriage, then you'll be much more prepared for that relationship if you wait, the longer you wait.

Jim: Well this has been an important conversation and I want to thank you for your counsel and for being here with us today.

Kathy: Thanks, Jim.

Temptation wages war on the mind. For the Christian struggling with porn, that fight is relentless. His thought-life is plagued with sensual and perverse imagery that seem to have an inescapable hold. Every loss in this battle makes victory appear hopeless and unattainable.

What hope is there when temptations come? For the answer, we must turn to the Word of God. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NASB) says, “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”

This verse may be a common go-to among Christians trying to escape addiction, but why has it often not provided the freedom it promises? Steve Gallagher explains how understanding the context of Paul’s exhortation will open the seemingly elusive way to victory over those nagging temptations.

{{blog-b20="/blog-ads-storage"}}

Listen to how God can work in a woman’s life after the discovery of her husband’s sin to heal her pain, make her more like Jesus and teach her to fight on her knees for God to save, not her marriage, but her husband’s soul.

Pure Life Ministries Director of Women’s Counseling Carol Bourque shares from her own testimony and experience in an interview with Nate Danser.

Nate: Carol Bourque is the director of women's counseling here at Pure Life, and she has been counseling women in our Wives Program since 2011. Carol, as you know, the church is in a horrible condition and the statistics are staggering. Men are addicted to pornography and sexual sin in unprecedented numbers, and very often there's a wife attached to that man, and she is suffering silently. Last night I went through Kathy Gallagher's book, When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart, and she shared some brief quotes from women who found out that her husband was involved in sexual sin, and the agony is overwhelming. And that women really are in a fight for their own lives, and I can only imagine that the idea then of fighting for their marriage is something that they would find very difficult. You know, you've been counseling for the last 8 years or so with us, so you have you had a good amount of experience and also time to see how even the culture is changing, and I just wonder if now in 2019, are women more likely to be encouraged to throw in the towel on their marriage than they were even 10 years ago?

Carol: Well, interestingly enough, I think there is a mixture. And it actually surprises me because today, the culture would tell us, as women, that we don't have to put up with something like that. To just get out of that situation and move on and start over with somebody else. However, most of the women who come to Pure Life Ministries Wives Program for help, are Christian women. And so they really do want to stay in their marriage and help their husbands to fight in this battle that they're in.

Nate: Well, I'm definitely encouraged to hear that, because just like you said, the voice of culture is so strong these days, and you know, even if you want to do the right thing, it really doesn't do much to alleviate the agony that these women are in. And I want to read a quote from Kathy Gallagher's book about a wife who went through this. And she said,

“Early one Saturday morning he finally confessed to me that he had had an affair with a married woman. I was outraged. I suddenly began to get up and punch him with all my might. The next month was like a nightmare that I could not awaken from. More confessions and horror stories: an affair with a 55-year-old woman; topless bars; table dances and so on. The blood would run cold through my veins with each story. The left side of my face would go numb. I went from 129 pounds to 113 pounds. My hair began to fall out. I had diarrhea daily, and at times I thought that I would surely die. I could not believe that he would be unfaithful to me again. I kept trying to convince myself it was untrue but there it was staring me in the face.”  

Nate: This, you know this woman is describing pain of an unbelievable magnitude and it's hard for me to imagine a woman going through something like that, saying, “You know what? Yeah, I want to fight for this marriage!” But you have seen women who experience that kind of pain actually stand up and begin to fight?

Carol: Yes, actually. You know I think once they get past that devastation, and they're in a place where they can hear from the Lord, they are willing to do whatever it takes to fight and to be obedient to what they have heard God call them to. And the call is usually when you're down on the ground, in that pain and devastation crying out to God saying, “What should I do, or should I leave this guy?” Usually there's that still, small, quiet voice that you hear from the Lord, and most times he says, “I have not released you from this marriage.” And so that's what most of these women come into our programs sensing, that God has not released them from this marriage yet. They may not understand why, but they're willing to stay and fight.

Nate: You know, Carol, I've never been betrayed by someone at a level like that, but I have experienced some very extreme mental anguish, at times. I know how difficult it is to still yourself enough to begin to hear what you said, that still, small voice. How would you encourage a wife if she just can't hear yet because the roar of the pain is so strong; how does she move forward?

Carol: Well, that's a good question, and I know that it was more an emotional mind battle for me. Because I would constantly be replaying and rethinking all of the scenarios, the situations that my husband had confessed, so my mind was constantly bombarded with those thoughts and those images. And so, for me, in order for those images and those thoughts to stop, I had to force myself to get over the Word of God. I took Scripture, every time there was a thought that popped into my mind I would take scripture, and I would meditate on it. And anywhere, anytime during the day, so what I did for myself, and I encourage women to do this: I bought some 3 x 5 cards. Well, I was actually encouraged by my counselor when I went to the program to do this. She said buy some 3 x 5 cards and get into the Word of God, and write Scripture on these cards, and put them everywhere - in your house, in your car. I mean I've got them taped in my shower. And when, anywhere, and a thought would come into my mind, I would choose at that moment to either give over and be tormented with that thought or I would choose to dwell on God's word. And I love the Word of God, because it says in the Psalms that He sent His word and healed us. (Psalm 107) That's exactly what He did for me. His word healed my mind and, there's no other explanation for what happened for me, and for many women who go through our program.  

Nate: So, you've been describing how you fought your own personal battle. Now, let's say a wife says … She's kind of getting herself back up on her feet … just personally and she says, “You know what? I do want to begin to fight for my marriage.” First, can we talk about some wrong ways to fight? Because there's a lot of ways to fight, but we don't always help situations sometimes. Can you get some wrong ways to fight for a marriage?

Carol: Yeah, I think the wrong way to fight is obviously in our flesh, and that would be our wanting to take control of the situation, and then to control our husbands as well. So, some women either will become more like a mother to them than a wife, or some will become more like a detective or a policewoman. There are women, and I've counseled many of these, who again, trying to take matters into their own hands, by shaming their husbands or nagging them or belittling them; thinking that these things will force him to change; And men began to get resentful of their wives. They see them as that, being a nag. They do not respond well to trying to be controlled. And it's not going to change them, and that's the thing that we don't understand. Our trying to take matters into our own hands is not going to change our husbands.  

{{blog-bsecret="/blog-ads-storage"}}

Nate: So how should she fight?

Carol: On her face. Before the Lord. That is the only thing I know to say to a woman when she's asking, you know, what do I do? What do I do? And my counsel to her is you get your eyes off of your husband and off of yourself and you get them on the Lord. Ephesians 6 talks about where our struggle, our battle really is. And it says it’s not against flesh and blood but it's against rulers and powers, against the world forces of darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places. And we so often feel like this is a flesh, you know, physical battle. But it's more of a spiritual battle. And I think once a wife can understand that this is not about her, and her husband but it's more about her husband and his relationship with the Lord, then she can begin to fight for him, in the proper way again, in prayer.

Nate: You know, I was talking with Kathy Gallagher about this the same topic a couple of days ago, and she said that one of the difficulty she's experienced when counseling women, and telling them, “begin to pray for your husband,” is that, they say, “I have been! I mean, I've been praying my heart out that this jerk would change” and all that. So, how do you pray rightly for your husband, because you mentioned that.

Carol: I know in my own experience, with myself, my prayers were very self-focused, especially in the beginning. They really did center around me. You know, “God, change this guy…” you know, I wasn't actually saying this in my prayer, but this is what my thought was, right? You know, change this guy so I don't have to struggle, I don't have to deal with this stuff; I don't have to go through this pain, so I don't have to suffer. His soul was very small on my radar. What it was doing to him spiritually was really, especially, in the beginning, I didn't think about him or his soul, to be quite honest with you. So, I know that a lot of our prayers are really very self-focused, and so I think that once our prayer begins to be a prayer of faith, that God is able to do what we could never do and we're not trusting in man, we are trusting in our Creator, we're trusting in God to do the impossible, because if this man doesn't receive a revelation about his spiritual condition, he will most likely perish. And so, we become desperate and we intercede on behalf of our husbands so we're putting ourselves in his place, so to speak, instead of focusing on the prayer being about ourselves.

Nate: Yeah, I mean it sounds like if you were really in the spirit of intercession, the results of the marriage take a back seat.

Carol: Yeah, absolutely, and again, I think of it as you becoming desperate, almost putting yourself in that position that your husband's in and crying out to God like you're crying out for yourself on behalf of this man who you are one with. Because God says that when a man and woman are joined together, and they become one flesh. So you're crying out for him almost like it's you.

Nate: Yeah, if I was in that position, what would I need; what would I want?

Carol: Right, right! How would I want to be prayed for? Because sometimes it's like the sin and the deception that these men are in, it's almost like they can't even pray; so who better than his wife to bear him to the Lord?  

Nate: That really changes things. It gives a wife a completely new direction, a completely different purpose than from “how do I fix this problem,” to “how do I have an eternal perspective about this?” And it just amazing, because in a in a real way, she's becoming like Jesus, because that's what Jesus did. That's who He is, that's His heart and His desire for us.

Carol: I was just going to say that. I was just going to say but that's the heart of Jesus. It really is the heart of Jesus. Now I don't think it happens overnight. I don't think it happens as soon as you find out that your husband's in sexual sin. I do know that there is a time where a woman definitely is grieving over what’s happened and the focus is on herself for a time. But, again, as she as she looks to God, she's looking to the Lord instead of looking at what her husband's done or done to her and that's how most women see it. “This is what he's done to me!” Once she can see that this is what he's doing to the Lord, first and foremost, and it does take time, it is a process, and some women  go through that process faster than others. For me, it took a long time to get to that point.

Nate: I really appreciate those thoughts because I think it gives a really balanced viewpoint about this; that the pain is tremendous and no one is discounting that, but there really is a path forward through this and you can follow God's will in this and not just not just quit. Thank you so much, Carol, for joining us and God bless you, and may God bless all the women who are listening to this.

Carol: May God bless you too.