Brooks: Ken Larkin is a biblical counselor here at Pure Life. Ken, I think it's really important that we're able to share with people from time to time some key ways they can fight sexual temptation. So, I want to ask you to share this concept that I know you find really important for people to understand as a counselor--this idea of being a giver. I think that honestly when I say that phrase while we're discussing the topic of sexual sin people might have a hard time making that connection initially, so, to start off can you tell us just basically what you have in mind when you talk about that phrase being a giver.

Ken: Yeah, it means the basic flow of your life is outward toward others, instead of being consumed with what I can get for myself. That I'm more concerned about others and their needs and what's important to them.

Brooks: OK, I think I'm following that. Now, right at the outset, this seems like something that is totally the opposite of what we see in the culture here in America. Would you say that's true?

Ken: Absolutely. Yeah, everything in our culture is catered toward self and toward getting something that you desire.

Brooks: Now I know there's a lot of other important spiritual disciplines that somebody has to have in their life in order to stay free. I mean, they have to have basic walk with God, Bible reading, prayer, we know all of those things. But in what you've seen in the Bible and in your own counseling, how important is this teaching of being a giver in relationship to a person's spiritual life?

Ken: I believe it's extremely important because true spirituality is about being godly, or God-like. And God himself is a giver. The Scriptures say in John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave..." He gave his Son and you can't have a true walk with God or any true spirituality without the element of giving. The whole ministry of Jesus was to give his life away for others. Everything he did was focused on meeting the needs of others and ultimately the cross was all about meeting the needs of others. So if we're going to call ourselves a Christian and not live the way Jesus lived--that's called hypocrisy. Giving is a huge, central theme in the Christian life.

Brooks: Ken, I would bet that sometimes you must have counselees that say, "Yeah, I hear what you're saying about giving, but my big problem is I'm looking at pornography." Or "I just have all these lustful thoughts that won't go away, how is this going to help me?" If guys just aren't making the connection between sexual sin and giving, what do you tell them?

Ken: I tell them that sexual sin revolves around someone's desires--its coveting lust--because it's the desire to get something for self. The idea of being a giver is the opposite flow of that. It's that you are more concerned with what you can give to other people. In your inner life you can't have a flow that is headed outward and a flow that is headed inward at the same time. One of those is going to take precedence. So, if you actually learned to become a giver, it's going to undermine the selfishness that fuels your addiction. But if you don't deal with that at that fundamental level, then you may even overcome your addiction in some respects, but it's going to manifest itself in some other way.‍

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Brooks: Well that does help to clear it up a little bit. So, from here can you give us some practical ideas about becoming a giver. If they are starting to realize that they are selfish and they need to make some changes, but they don't know where to start, what would tell them?

Ken: One of the keys we've found about learning to become a giver is the simplicity of just learning to pray for other people. You know, even in our prayers we can be selfish and self-focused. But, if you learn to pray for other people, God will begin to change your heart toward others. Yes, their needs will be met, but you're going to be changed also and you're going to become less selfish by learning to give in that way.

Brooks: OK, so you highlighted prayer as a good place to start. What would be some other things?

Ken: Along with prayer, I would encourage someone to begin focusing more on others. If you can learn to be a servant and give your life away for the sake of others like Jesus did, that will go a long way in undermining that selfishness the fuels your addiction. Some practical examples? Find a need and fill it. In your own home, maybe doing chores for your wife or helping your parents or whatever the case may be around the house. You can begin right in your own home, doing something you wouldn't normally do. Just serve other people! You can volunteer in your local church, you can go to a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter and volunteer. You can visit the elderly in nursing home or volunteer in a local jail ministry. There's really no limit because the needs are out there it's just finding a need and filling it.

And I would encourage them to make this a lifestyle. Don't have the mindset that this is just going to be a pet project. Learn to become a giver as a lifestyle in the practical outworkings of your everyday life.

Brooks: Ken, I know you came out of sexual sin yourself and for years now you've been counseling others who are seeking freedom. This teaching--about becoming a giver--can you tell us a little bit about the changes you've seen.

Ken: I've seen men come into the program that seemed hopeless. They were totally given over to sexual sin, some for decades! And just by simply learning to be a giver, their lives were totally changed and set free through the power of the Gospel and through Jesus Christ. Because they were learning to be a doer of the word and to put basic things into practice. And in my own life, you know, I've been radically set free. It's amazing what God can do if we're just willing to cooperate with him and do what he says in His word.

Jeff and Rose Colón share about the challenges of rebuilding trust after sexual sin has impacted a marriage.

Mike: Jeff and Rose, as we focus on couples this week, we want to talk about what is admittedly a difficult issue for anyone, the betrayal of trust. Jeff, how does a couple begin to deal with this issue?

Jeff: First of all Mike the husband needs to understand that because he has lied - sometimes for years - to his wife, he has hurt her very deeply, to the point that some wives actually are more upset at the lies he's told than the actual sin that was committed. The husband has to understand that and that trust is not going to be something that comes automatically for his wife. He's going to have to be willing to be truthful and to handle things differently, so he can build that trust back into his marriage. It might take quite some time to do that.

Mike: Do you find that sometimes the husbands think well "Okay I've gotten all this out in the open and I've acknowledged everything that I did, so everything should be okay now?"

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Jeff: Absolutely. I mean that's what we see a lot of the time. The husband expects his wife to snap out of it and thinks "Okay, you've got to trust me now," and I question whether that guy has really been broken over his sin, if he's not willing to bear his wife through the process of building that trust back into the marriage.

Mike: So are there any particular steps that he can take? What are the things that he needs to begin to do?

Jeff: The Bible's pretty clear in Ephesians 4:25. It says "Therefore put away falsehood. Let everyone speak truth with his neighbor for we are members of one another." It pretty much comes down to learning how to speak the truth and to being vulnerable. A lot of times a husband who's in sexual sin isn't honest about what goes on inside, so the wife kind of knows something's wrong, but he's lying and saying everything's fine. But when a husband is honest and begins to speak truth from his heart and shares what's going on inside his heart and is vulnerable to her, then she says "Okay, I can trust him. I know he's not trying to put up a false front to me. He's being honest about his struggles, what's going on inside." A wife that sees her husband speaking to her that way in truth and with vulnerability, she can begin to start to trust him again.

Mike: Often times I would assume that he's just looking at his outward behavior, but what God's wanting to do is that inward work in the heart of a man, and that's what the wife is looking for. So if a guy is just changing his behavior and he doesn't understand why his wife isn't trusting him, what he's not understanding is that she's looking to see if there's a heart change over a period of time.

Jeff: Right. Absolutely. Sometimes the husband will fall into the trap that he has to be perfect and that if he shares with his wife that he's struggling inside or there's something not right inside that she's going to freak out, but what he doesn't understand is it will actually make her more secure. Our wives want to know what's going on inside of us and they're not looking for some spiritual Superman. They're looking for a man that is honest and vulnerable and willing to open up his inside world with his wife.

Mike: Rose is there a different perspective that a woman, the wife in the situation, has? How is she dealing with it? First of all, how does a wife perceive this issue? Does she see it differently?

Rose: Usually, the wife does not trust the husband at all, even though he's gone through the program and done all the right things, she doesn't trust him, and that's just where she's at that point in time. They feel frustrated a lot of times because the husband will be in this mindset that "Okay because I've done the program you need to trust me now," but he has a track record where he can't be trusted. I try to help the wife to just see that the focus needs to be on the Lord, that He's the one that your husband is accountable to primarily, and to trust that God is able to deal with him. As you see the Lord working in his life and him growing in the Lord and dealing with his heart then the wife starts seeing "Okay that trust can be built back into the marriage." It does come back, but it really weighs on the husband - how vulnerable, open, and honest he's willing to be with his wife. Someone that is honest, open, and vulnerable you can trust, but someone that's been lying and deceiving, you can't trust that person. Usually I'll ask the wife, "When can you trust someone? When they're being honest with you." So if the husband's not being honest then they're really hindering the Lord from working in that area.

Mike: Jeff and Rose, thanks for joining us. We appreciate it.

Jeff: Thanks, Mike. It's good to be with you.

Rose: You're welcome.

In recent years, homosexuality has become widely accepted in our culture. Jeff Colón joins us to talk about how the church is relating to this cultural shift.

Mike: Jeff Colon has joined me in the studio. Jeff, good to see again.

Jeff: Thanks, Mike. It's good to be here.

Mike: Jeff, you recently authored an article for our Ezine entitled "Homosexuality: The Church at a Crossroads." You began that article with a passage from Isaiah.

Jeff: Yeah, Mike. Let me read those verses out of Isaiah 5:20-21, "Whoa to those who call evil good, and good evil; who put darkness for light, and light for darkness; who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight." When I look out at what's happening in our nation today, these verses really bear witness to the stark reality of what's happening.

Mike: Well, talk a little bit about that Jeff because you really saw this from two different perspectives. Talk first about what you see on this issue of homosexuality in the culture itself.

Jeff: We see it everywhere - I believe today more than ever - just openly celebrating same-sex marriage and people coming out, almost glorying in those things that should be our shame. It's almost like a flood of evil has been unleashed. You can look at the news, the internet, and television sets nationwide that are just inundated with enduring images of gays and lesbians. If you even look at the political stage, same-sex marriage is pretty much dominating, many times, headlines and stories. Even a president of the United States, Barack Obama, is really for the first time backing the homosexual agenda.

Mike: One of the striking things to me about that is we wouldn't be surprised necessarily in the United States because of the worldliness that our country has been in for so long, but what's striking to me is that this movement is happening on a global scale and it seems as you said to be just a flood washing across the globe. The second point though that you pointed out is that you were more concerned about what you see in the church - talk about that.

Jeff: Yeah, we see that the church has not escaped this. Mainline denominations are changing their positions and now readily ordaining gay and lesbian pastors and leaders, enthusiastically performing same-sex marriages, and taking foundational truths of God's Word which have been in place for thousands of years and just sweeping them aside.

Mike: The title of this article was "Homosexuality: The Church at a Crossroads," but you really saw that the church had made a wrong turn a long time ago. Talk about some of the other issues that you see within the church that you felt like this issue was just a natural outcome of.

Jeff: Yeah, that's really what was on my heart because a lot of times, especially nowadays, you hear Christians say "Wow this is going to really divide the church," But again to me, homosexuality is just a tip of the iceberg. I think the issue goes back decades and is really just the result of veering away from the authority of God's Word in a lot of ways over the years. At the core, the real issue is a rejection of God and suppressing His truth in favor of being wise in our own eyes which Romans 1:18-21 talks about. If I could sum it up in two words - it's pride and rebellion...against God.

Mike: You mentioned that you felt like homosexuality was just the tip of the iceberg. Expand on that a little bit.

Jeff: We see in those scriptures in Roman, that yes homosexuality is there at the forefront, but there's a whole litany of things listed in that scripture. In Romans chapter one it says they're filled with "all unrighteousness," "sexual immorality," "wickedness," "covetousness," "full of envy." I mean the list goes on and on and on - "unloving," "unforgiving," "disobedient to parents" - so we see there are a whole plethora of sins that are really the result of denying and suppressing the truth of God, and homosexuality is just one of them in that list.

Mike: As you're talking, it reminds me of a little book that Steve Gallagher wrote, "How America Lost Her Innocence," and he looks back at what you're describing going all the way back into the 60's as we begin to see the slide of what was happening not only in the culture, but in the church.

Jeff: Yeah, absolutely. Really, it's society obviously wholeheartedly embracing worldly philosophies. But the problem is that the church is following right behind, and as the church further embraces the philosophies and wisdom of this world it's like a crack in the dam, and then a flood of evil is released.

Mike: You reflected in your article that as you're looking at the church today that it looks very much like the church Paul foresaw in the end times.

Jeff: Yeah, Paul described in 2 Timothy 4:3-4 a church that would "not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables." Just the fact that the church would even debate whether the Bible teaches that homosexuality is sinful bears out this truth.

Mike: As you look at the condition of the church and what's happening in the culture, it almost seems like things are becoming more black and white. The gray seems to be disappearing, like a division is occurring.

Jeff: Yeah and I believe it needs to happen, it's going to get clearer and clearer, and this is really what it comes down to: there's going to be those on one side who have conformed their lives to the Gospel Jesus proclaimed and on the other side, those who have created a gospel that conforms to their lives and desires.

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Mike: You mentioned that the separation is coming and I was surprised at first when I read that you will welcome it. Talk a little bit about why you feel that way.

Jeff: I believe it needs to happen for the true church to be seen. I think for too many years the world has looked at the church and they don't see much of a difference. I believe that God has a remnant and I believe that God is going to have a pure and spotless bride and we're going to be a true light on the hill, so the separation really does have to happen. I do welcome it because I know out of that the true church will arise and will really be able to have an impact and reach souls.

Mike: What do you think is most important for us as individual believers to do as it relates to our own lives and attitudes about what we see going on in the church and in the culture?

Jeff: The key here is returning to the Word of God and getting into the Word of God for ourselves. I also really believe it's time to pray like never before, to really be seeking the Lord, looking to Him, and looking to the Holy Spirit to conform our lives and to produce God's will and purpose in our lives. I believe those that are hearing God calling the remnant, and will listen, will return to the Lord; and God will be glorified and the true church will come forth out of that.

Mike: Yeah, amen. That's a good word, Jeff. Thanks so much for talking to us as we see the church at a crossroads today.

Jeff: Thanks, Mike.

Steve Gallagher answers the tough question of parents who are trying to respond to a son who says he is homosexual.

Mike: Steve, we want to deal today with a question that came in from some parents. I'm assuming they're Christian parents. Their son grew up in the church and he's now saying that he's involved in homosexuality or in fact, he's saying he is a homosexual. How does a parent begin to deal with a situation like this?

Steve: Well, the first thing that comes to my mind Mike is they really need to pray for him - a lot of prayer. My experience has been that parents often lapse into this faithless despair and just kind of throw their hands up in the air and just feel hopeless about it, but that's not true. God answers prayers. He's a God of love and compassion. He loves that boy. He wants to see him repent and be restored - it's his heart. So definitely the first thing that comes to my mind is that they need to really lay out a systematic plan of prayer for him.

Mike: So often you hear these horror stories from the gay community that a parent finds out that their son or daughter is involved in homosexuality and they throw them out on the street. What is a realistic and a godly practical response?

Steve: There are practical sides to that, but I would say even before we get to the practical, that he really needs to feel the love and acceptance of him as a person from his parents. They have to be careful that they don't respond out of anger or frustration and cause this gap to grow bigger and for there to become a wall that becomes insurmountable. The hope is that this thing is going to run its course and eventually he's going to start re-evaluating some of the decisions he's made. And you don't want any obstacles between him and you when he reaches that spot. But like I said there is the practical side of it - we communicate our love to him, but we also must stand firm with our convictions that we do not condone this lifestyle and we cannot embrace it. Some parents do ask their child to leave because they don't want that kind of behavior going on in someone's life who is living under their roof. That's something that each parent must face for themselves.

Mike: I think Steve we should probably make a point here that there is a difference in how you're going to deal with a situation in your home between someone who is under-age and someone who may be an adult.

Steve: Yeah, the assumption here is that this young man is eighteen years old or twenty or something like that. You definitely don't throw out a sixteen-year-old out on the streets. You have to deal with that differently.

Mike: Steve, I know that one of the things that parents really wrestle with is how do they communicate their love to their child who may be headed the wrong direction without affirming the choices that they're making.

Steve: I would sit down with him and say "Son as much as I love you, I love the Lord even more, and I have a responsibility as a believer to stand for the truths that have been expressed in scripture; not only for the Lord's sake but also for your sake. I owe it to you as your father to tell you the truth about what God's word says about homosexuality and the devastating consequences of it. What kind of a parent would I be if I didn't tell you the truth?"

Mike: For a child who's struggling with homosexuality who hears the truth, when God hopefully gets a hold of their heart and they repent of their behavior, woe to the father to whom that son would have to turn back and say "Why didn't you tell me the truth?"

I am no stranger to the pain of sexual and emotional abuse. During my younger years, I suffered at the hands of several males - including being raped. This pattern of abuse continued into my marriage of 13 years where I was subjected to constant criticism and the pain of my husband's unfaithfulness. By the time I enrolled in the Pure Life Ministries At-Home Program for Wives, there were very few men I believed I could trust.

I began counseling soon after my husband left to go through the Pure Life Ministries Residential Program. It was much different from any counseling my husband and I had ever received. Instead of receiving pity, or spending time digging up the past, my counselor pointed me to Scripture so that I could see what the Lord wanted to speak to me now. I took a deeper look at what Christ endured because of His great love for us. I started to examine what He said about forgiveness, confession, repentance, humility, submission, and much more.

Up to this point, I had always thought of myself as a forgiving person. But I began to see that bitterness had taken root within my heart, and that I, too, had become a very critical person.

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Yet, in the face of all my sin, I also received a real revelation of God's love for me. I learned that I cannot look to others for my joy and fulfillment - they will only come from the Lord. With Him by my side, I can endure whatever comes my way. No matter what happens, I know my life and my salvation are secure in His hands.

Before Pure Life Ministries, my focus was completely on creating a happy marriage. I had tried unsuccessfully for years to make my husband happy with me. This desire to please him was greater than my desire to please the Lord. But now I was learning to place my husband in God's hands, and as my relationship with Jesus grew deeper, He began to create a peace in my heart that I had never before experienced.

Since my husband and I have gone through the Pure Life Ministries counseling programs, the Lord has restored our marriage. It has not always been an easy road, but with God's help we have been able to overcome our difficulties. I continue to let go of my fears and place my husband's life, our marriage, and our children into God's hands. I can testify with Scripture that God truly is able to give us a "peace that surpasses human understanding."

My time with the Lord has become a vital part of my life. One passage of Scripture that remains precious to me is Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends You, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." It is there in His presence that He is able to do His tremendous work in my heart. Sometimes it's uplifting and sometimes it's heart piercing, but it always leaves me with a greater revelation of His mighty love!

Young people are increasingly dealing with the devastating consequences of sexual abuse. Jeff Colón shares how to offer them real hope and the answers that they need.

Mike: Jeff Colón has joined me in the studio. Jeff, thanks for taking the time to talk with us today.

Jeff: Thanks, Mike. It's good to be with you.

Mike: It's good to see you as always. Jeff, we want to talk today about an issue that I know is difficult for some people to hear about, but is increasingly a problem and that is the issue of dealing with children who have been molested. How much of a problem is that today?

Jeff: I can tell you countless stories - heartbreaking stories - over the devastation that sin causes, but when we're talking about a child that has been molested, we're talking about devastation that really goes deep and really takes its toll on a child; and a counselor really has to be in touch with the Lord to help this child deal with the consequences of such a sin.

Mike: I have to imagine that not only do the issues go deep but these issues that they're dealing with I suspect can go on for years and maybe have been going on for years. As a counselor how do you begin to deal with those kinds of issues?

Jeff: In dealing with children, when a counselor comes across a situation where a child is being abused the first thing you want to do is stop the abuse. Research studies have shown that 60% of children that are abused are re-abused, so it's very important to take quick action so that the abuse ceases and that it cannot happen again.

Mike: We, of course, recognize as counselors that there are legal requirements. If you become aware of molestation, it has to be reported to the authorities. What are some of the physical ramifications of abuse that you might have to deal with as a counselor?

Jeff: Certainly, if there is a suspicion or it has come out that there definitely has been molestation, they should be taken in for a physical examination because sometimes things occur. For instance, I've had instances where a mother has told us of a child that's experiencing bleeding and it's very important to go to a doctor because you never know what kind of damage might have been done. It's important that if there has been damage, that the child can be treated properly.

Mike: Jeff, as you bring up the subject of them needing to have a physical, I'm just thinking in my mind of all the different things - the legal ramifications, the family relationships - all the things that this child is going to have to go through at the beginning of this process unfolding. What's your responsibility as a counselor? How can you help them to get through that?

Jeff: In many cases, the courts are involved and a child immediately faces many kinds of feelings, such as feelings of guilt. Let's say it's a father or a relative they know, that person is in trouble now and they're all of sudden in these corpora and now they feel like they've done something wrong. Or if the perpetrator is sent to jail, sometimes they're dealing with the fear that this man is going to come out and is going to be able to hurt them again. You want to be honest with them and you want to reassure them that there is a possibility of this person getting out at some point, but that they will be protected. You want to help them to deal with all the different kinds of things that they're going to be facing because there's going to be a lot of things they just don't understand, not being an adult.

Mike: I'm assuming there will be some kind of ongoing counseling. What are some of the things that you want to accomplish as you continue through this process with a child?

Jeff: Initially, the counselor has to realize that this child has been damaged emotionally - they don't trust adults. You have to establish trust with that child if you're going to be able to help them. It's something you're going to have to diligently work for. It's good to demonstrate love to that child, but if you want to give them a hug or something, it's good to ask them permission. You don't want to just quickly invade their space that now they've probably protected. But you do want to let them know that you love them and you want to build that trust from the very beginning.

Mike: As children are growing up one of the things that they're learning is respect for authority. I'm assuming for these children all respect for authority has been demolished. How do you balance that - where you're trying to reestablish trust for authority but also maintain that process of learning respect for authority?

Jeff: A wise counselor will have a balance of love and authority. In any kind of counseling situation, the counselor has to be in control of that counseling session. If the counselor allows the child to control things, they're never going to be able to help them, so it is a fine balance; but the child does need to understand that they do have an authority that they need to submit to. If you're showing them love and you're gaining trust, establishing authority isn't going to be a problem, but it is something that the counselor needs to consider.

Mike: Why is it so important for this child to establish a respect for authority?

Jeff: We want to help this child to deal with the situation the way God would want them to deal with it. We want to help them to deal with it biblically. If you establish an authority and there's an understanding that they're going to have to do things God's way, then you're going to be able to help them with the different issues that they're dealing with. For instance, fear is probably one of the most common things that these children are dealing with. They may fear that someone is going to harm them again and they can get obsessed with wondering if this is going to happen again. Or they may fear what that other is thinking of them and become obsessed with themselves, living in this fear. We want to help them to see that preoccupation with themselves is not pleasing to God.

Mike: As you're saying that I'm just seeing the huge difference between approaching a situation like this from a psychotherapeutic perspective and a Biblical counseling perspective.

Jeff: Absolutely. I would say a psychotherapeutic way of dealing with that would be to focus on their emotions and to make it all about them. Whereas we want to get them out of themselves. We want to get their eyes on their source of hope, which is in God and looking at things from God's perspective.

Mike: That's got to throw a whole different perspective on the anger that these children often experience.

Jeff: Some counselors might tell them it's good to be angry. They might even encourage them to vent that anger. But a biblical view would teach them that anger is not pleasing to God and we're going to want to help this child to deal with that anger in a biblical way - that it's not right to return evil for evil and that forgiveness is the way to freedom. So it's very important that this child is taught to handle their feelings in a biblical way.

Mike: What about the feelings of guilt that you mentioned a little bit earlier?

Jeff: There are two kinds of guilt. I guess we can say 'false guilt' and 'true guilt'. We want to make sure we have the where-with-all and the spiritual discernment to determine whether or not a child is truly experiencing a false guilt. Feeling as though they did something wrong or it was their fault that this happened - that's obviously an example of false guilt. We want to help them understand that they were not the cause of the problem. The other side could be where God is maybe convicting them of being angry - possibly at their mother because she didn't protect them or even at God for allowing this to happen to them. That would be true guilt and would be conviction from God. We would want to help to alleviate that guilt by doing the right thing and doing the biblical thing, which would be to forgive their mother and realize that it wasn't her fault.

Mike: Jeff, we never know who may be listening to these programs and there may very well be a young person out there that is dealing with having been molested or there may be an adult out there who has never really dealt with past molestation. What word of encouragement might you have for those folks?

Jeff: What I would say to them is that God hasn't turned His eyes away from them and He saw what happened to them and it grieved his heart. We live in a fallen world and bad things happen, but we serve a God that knows how to bring His purpose out of what even seemingly it to us a horrible thing. I've heard my wife - who went through her own issues because of my sexual sin towards her - say that if she hadn't gone through what she went through she couldn't help the wives the way she does now. God has a purpose. God has a plan. He knows how to bring good out of what happened to you. If you'll trust Him and look to Him for the answers, He knows how to heal your heart. Then you will also know how to bring that comfort to others and I'm sure there are many others out there that need to know that there is a God of comfort that can heal any hurt that we have experienced. I just want to encourage you if you're listening that God sees you and He knows you and He has a way out for you. He can bring good out of your situation.

Mike: Jeff Colón, thanks so much.

Jeff: Thanks Mike. It's been good being with you.

"How will I know if my husband has really changed?" is a common question from wives. We talk to Kathy Gallagher for the answer.

Mike: Kathy Gallagher has joined me in the studio. Kathy is the Co-Founder and Senior Administrator here at Pure Life Ministries. Kathy, it's good to see you again.

Kathy: Thanks, Mike. It's good to be here.

Mike: Kathy, as we look at letters to hurting wives today, one of the questions I know you sometimes get from wives of husbands who have gone through our Residential Program or our Overcomers-at-Home Program is "How do I know if my husband has really changed?" What a great question. How does a wife really know if a change has occurred in her husband's life?

Kathy: Yeah. When a man repents, it takes time for the old habits to change. There may be a genuine repentance but the old man is still hanging on and the old habits are still entrenched. It's going to take time for those things to be eradicated completely. The confusion probably is for the wife as she is seeing a little bit of the old man, but she is also seeing a little bit of the new man. I want to encourage those wives: if you feel like your husband has repented, give it time, it will manifest itself. True repentance has fruit. There's definite fruit in real repentance and it will show up in time.

Mike: Is there anything Kathy that you would encourage the wife specifically not to do?

Kathy: The wife has to be careful that she doesn't make herself, her feelings, and her marriage the center of the universe. It's very hard to do because women that have been affected by their husband's sexual sin live in fear. You have to really battle to keep yourself out of the middle of it, in the sense that if you see little pieces of the old man you will panic and feel like he hasn't changed, but that's not true. It's better to be on the side of believing the best than not. There's nothing worse for a man trying to come out of sexual sin than to have his wife - his helper - standing in the background accusing him. Even if she doesn't do it verbally, her actions and her manners may be saying to him "I don't trust you and I don't believe you." It's a tightrope for the man and the woman because she's been hurt. I believe in my heart for the most part most women want to believe the best, but when you've been hurt you're a little tentative to put your heart out there on the line. Yet on the man's side I believe that a lot of guys really do want to be free. They want to be normal and live a normal godly life with their family. So it's two people working together and not making each other the center of the universe. It's Jesus Christ who has to be made center and He will balance everything else out.

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Mike: What are some of the practical things that a wife can be looking for that might be evidence of true repentance?

Kathy: I think one of the most important things is that his overall attitude will be different towards her and the family. There will be a softness that probably hasn't been there in the past. More evidence would be his daily walk with the Lord, which to me is the biggie. The most important thing is what he is doing with God every day. Is it consistent? Does he desire fellowship with other believers? The Word of God is so important to this process. If a man is in the Word of God all the wife has to do is wait for the Word of God to take its effect. Those are some of the things I look for. When Steve repented those were the things that were pronounced in his life and I didn't know any of this stuff. I didn't have a Pure Life Ministries. The things that stood out the most to me and were so precious to me was that he wanted to be in the Word of God Every. Every spare moment he had he was reading the Bible and he was praying. I saw him repent and it wasn't because he got caught or because I was worried about something. He was having a relationship with Christ separate from me and it encouraged me very much, so that to me is real fruit of repentance.

Mike: It sounds like you're saying rather than being the hawk that is always looking for her husband doing something wrong, instead begin to look for her husband doing things right, and perhaps encourage him in those things...

Kathy: Yeah, there was nothing more sweet to me than when my husband told me that my support and my belief in him did so much to help him get free. I really want to encourage wives to be on that side. It's better. Even if he fails, it's better to be on the side of support than no support.

Mike: Then you know in the end that you have done the right thing and have done what you could do. You will have been more Christ-like towards your husband.

Kathy: And it's exactly what Jesus has been to us knowing full well we would fail Him, but He is always right there with us.

Mike: Amen. Well I'm sure that will be an encouragement to wives. Kathy Gallagher, thanks so much.

Kathy: Thank you, Mike.

One of the very real questions I have had to face in ministry is whether or not men in habitual sexual sin are truly saved. I have diligently studied the issue in Scripture with some of the best teachers from the three great schools of thought: Calvinism, Fundamentalism and Arminianism. After 30 years of sincerely considering this question with an open mind, I think I have finally arrived at a conclusion with which I am satisfied.

What Does it Mean to be Saved?

Before that question can be answered, a more fundamental one must be addressed: What does it mean to be saved? It was in the great “grace chapter” of Ephesians 2 that everything began to make sense to me. Look at the description of the unbeliever’s life presented there:

• They are dead in their trespasses and sins
• They walk according to the course of this world
• They walk according to the prince of the power of the air
• They indulge the desires of the flesh and mind
• They are by nature children of wrath

The next five verses indicate a change in the lives of those who have been regenerated that can be described as nothing less than spectacular:

• God made them alive together with Christ
• God raised them up with Him
• God seated them with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,
• God showed them the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness
• God created them for good works, which were prepared beforehand

It isn’t difficult to see the stunning difference between these two groups. There seems to be a great chasm separating them. Paul elsewhere describes this transformation in this way: “For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son.” (Colossians 1:13) He also wrote, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” (II Corinthians 5:17) Unquestionably, the true believer experiences a dramatic inward change.

This brings us to those men who seem to be standing with one foot in the domain of darkness and one foot in the Kingdom of God. Is it possible to be in both?

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Two Groups of “Christians”

The apostle John made a statement that at first glance seems to solve the mystery. “The one who practices sin is of the devil… No one who is born of God practices sin…” (1 John 3:8-9) Taken at face value, these statements could easily cause one to conclude that anyone bound in habitual sin is not truly a believer. But 20 years of ministering to sexual addicts causes me to hesitate to accept such a simple explanation. Instead, experience seems to tell me that there are two distinct groups of “Christian” men bound up in sin.

First, there are those who have truly been born anew but have not yet completely broken away from their past life of sin. As the man draws spiritual strength through his relationship with Christ, the longstanding habit gradually loses its power. His growing love for God is displacing his idolatrous love for sin.

The second group would be constituted as “tares,” men who have had some kind of religious experience that hasn’t actually taken hold in their hearts: “they believe for a while, and in time of temptation fall away.” (Luke 8:13) It seems that they have drawn near to the Light, but have drifted away from it without having experienced a true conversion. I call them tares because they continue in church alongside true believers, even though they really cannot be considered such.

How can a person in habitual sin know to which group he belongs? Well, let me first say that most insincere people don’t tend to question their salvation. They are presumptuous with God’s grace and assume because they have had some kind of encounter with Him that they are saved.

The difference between tares and wheat is found in the heart. Nothing short of a new heart can bring about the sudden and vivid transformation indicated by the second list above.

New Heart. New Desires.

The heart is primarily the center of a person’s being: the seat of his emotions, feelings, affections, motives and attitudes. Just like the physical heart pumps life-giving blood throughout the entire physiological being, so too the inner heart of man functions as the nucleus of all that goes on in a person’s life. It is the breeding ground for all of his thinking; the seedbed where ideas are formed, attitudes developed and out of which thoughts spring forth. It is the essence of man’s being.

When God has written His laws on a person’s heart—as the New Covenant promises in Jeremiah 31—the basic disposition of his life changes. There is more to this than simply changing one’s speech, stopping some bad habits and going to church. He now walks “in newness of life;” or as Jesus put it: “From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.” (John 7:38)

One minister expressed it this way: “At the moment of regeneration Christ enters the deepest being of man — enters that which underlies all faculties — changes it; makes it His Holy of Holies, and from it works through the whole range of man’s nature. Christ is at the very center of our being, and becomes so interlaced with it as to be present in all our life, to think in our thoughts, to speak in our words, to act in our actions.”

With a new heart come new desires. Whereas once his life revolved around the things of this world, now his greatest passion is the Kingdom of God. The Word of God thrills him. He may not be free from outward sin, but his attitude toward it is different. It is losing its luster. He is increasingly growing in love with Jesus Christ. As his relationship with God continues to grow, his spiritual lapses occur increasingly less frequently. Eventually, he looks back upon his life and realizes he hasn’t fallen into his old pet sin in quite some time. He is free!

Perhaps this is why Martyn Lloyd-Jones, one of the great Reformed teachers of the 20th Century, asked what he considered to be the clarifying question: “The greatest desire of the true Christian is to draw nearer to God. Can you say, honestly, that the greatest thing you desire at this moment is to know God better, and to realize His presence? If you can, you are a Christian. If you cannot, you had better examine the foundations again; for when a man is in Christ he has a new nature, and this new nature cries out for God.”

Is a man bound by habitual sexual sin truly saved? If a person has truly been regenerated, sin will not hold him. It will only be a matter of time before his old habits of sin are gone and he is enjoying the liberty of Christ. If he has not been converted, though he possesses a form of godliness, it is unlikely that he will find freedom from sin’s malignant power. Ultimately, I suppose “The proof is in the pudding.”

One of the great truths of the Gospel is that Jesus purchased humanity with His own blood so they could walk triumphantly over the power of sin.  Tragically though, there are many who never overcome addictions and habitual sin because they get stuck in a rut of apathy and hopelessness.  The truth is that they won’t put away their sin until they become so serious about their relationship with Jesus that they will do whatever it takes to walk holy. People must come to the point of desperation before they will be willing to recklessly abandon themselves to God.

While pastoring in Detroit I ministered to alcoholics, prostitutes, junkies and drug dealers.  These people had been devastated by sin; they had lost everything in life.  One would expect to see a single-minded determination to break free from the stranglehold of sin, but amazingly, most of them seemed unwilling to change. They lacked the desperation that is always present in a person’s life that finds true victory from the power of sin.

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The Law was Never Meant to Bring Liberty

The struggling believer is in a much better position than the unsaved drug addict out on the street.  Sin may be controlling his life but at least he has the knowledge of God’s law that is constantly reminding him of the wrongness of his transgressions. Nevertheless, the law can never bring liberty to the sinner.

Imagine if a person wrote the entire dos and don’ts of the Mosaic Law (moral laws) on the walls of his home.  They would not make him more holy, only guiltier.  These laws would point accusingly at him because every human being breaks those laws on a constant basis.  The law only kills and damns people because it reveals that they are actually lawbreakers.

Though the moral law manifests a person’s guilt before God as a lawbreaker, it is powerless to change him or give him the desire to do so.  The law screams, “Stop lusting! Stop fornicating! Stop the homosexuality! Stop gossiping! Stop gambling! Stop sinning!” Yet the desire and power to break the chains of sin are not there.  There must be something more, a love more powerful than the person’s love of sin and self.‍

The law was never meant to bring liberty; it was only meant to show people their great need for Someone who could save them from the power of sin. The law cannot make a person want to change because the knowledge of sin is not enough.  Even though a person knows he should quit his sinful behavior, he is locked into a terrible pattern of spiritual bondage and despair.  There must be something greater than his sin and if he doesn’t grab hold of the greater he will never have the desperation to change that is needed.

When a man grows desperate for God he becomes willing to do whatever it takes to overcome sin.  His heart begins to change and a cry wells up from within, “God, I can’t break these chains. They are too strong for me.  Please help me!”  This is the point of desperation where God visits His people and sets them free.  Only a hunger for God that seizes the soul will produce the driving passion needed for holiness.

The Victory is not Found in Self-Effort, but in Self-Abandonment

One of the greatest obstacles people face in their pursuit of victory is the matter of control.  Most people want to be free from the chains of sin, but they want to do it while maintaining control over their lives.  “If I can just do this one particular thing, I will find freedom,” they tell themselves.  Nevertheless, as long as they believe there is a solution outside of abandonment to Christ, they will remain a captive to sin. Their efforts to win the battle by their own methods and strength are doomed to failure as long as they remain in control.

The power to overcome sin will never be found in a person’s own determination or wisdom.  Freedom from the bondage of sin only comes through surrender to God.  The man must come to the point where he falls unreservedly at the feet of Jesus and cries out, “Oh God, I’m weary of my sin!  I can’t overcome it without you.  You are my only hope!”  It is at this point of helplessness that the man is closest to victory.

General William Booth, the founder of the Salvation Army said, “The greatness of a man’s power is the measure of his surrender.”  People who have done tremendous exploits for God did not possess great abilities in themselves but were people who completely abandoned themselves to the Lord of miracles.

So it is with the battle with sin.  The victory is not found in self-effort but in self-abandonment.  Oswald Chambers put it this way: “What is needed in spiritual matters is reckless abandonment to the Lord Jesus Christ, reckless and uncalculating abandonment, with no reserve anywhere about it.”

The Power for Holiness Comes Through Intimacy

Acquiring a relentless determination to live in victory will not happen through one’s own willpower but through one’s affections.  To put it simply, it is a matter of love.  People become addicted to some particular besetting sin because it is what the flesh loves.  And what’s more, the flesh will always love it and there is no amount of effort on a person’s part that can bring to an end his love of sin and self.

His only hope of overcoming habitual sin is to replace his love for sin with a consuming love for God.  Until this love seizes the soul the person will never experience a driving passion for holiness.  Only when he looks into Christ’s lovely face will he find a love that will eclipse his love of sin and self.

So herein lies the answer. It is to see Jesus, to fall in love with “The Lover of My Soul.” This is why the Psalmist declared, “My eyes are fixed on you, oh, Sovereign Lord.” (Psalm 141:8)  Every time a man falls into sin it’s because he has taken his eyes off of Christ’s lovely face.  In other words, he abandons his first or principle love.  That is why the devil and the world are relentlessly trying to get believers to take their eyes off of Jesus.  But godly men and women have learned the secret of making Jesus the focus of their entire life.

The power for holiness comes through intimacy.  Look at Jesus, and His love will burn in your heart. The greatest victory and joy you will ever know will be yours as you recklessly abandon yourself to Christ.

I will share one final quote in closing.  Robert Murray McCheyne said, “Let the Holy Spirit fill every chamber of your heart so that there will be no room for folly or the world or Satan or the flesh.”  If you lack this kind of infilling of the Holy Spirit, get on your face before God and cry out for it.  Ask the Lord to help you grow desperate you for Him.  Ask Him to bring you to a place of absolute surrender.  It is there—in complete despair of being able to find the answer in your own abilities and strength—that you will find the One who can set you free from the power of sin.

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Every human starts out in life with a fallen nature, but those who indulge themselves in open sin at a young age are usually guided there by circumstances. For me, this came in the form of sexual abuse. I was five-years-old when a neighbor boy began molesting me. The belief that I was a “bad girl” was reinforced by the verbal and emotional abuse I routinely received from an angry father.

When I was twelve, I accepted Christ as my Savior. In my youthful naivety, I didn’t understand that I needed forgiveness for my sinful nature. I could only see the need to be forgiven for the bad things I had done with that boy. I didn’t understand that I was a victim of molestation—not a willing accomplice.

Nevertheless, I did my best to be a “good girl” throughout the rest of my youth. I was very active in church youth activities, particularly choir. Being from an extremely small town, going to church was a social experience for me. I assumed that since I enjoyed going, and rarely missed, I must be living the Christian life. I also resisted opportunities to be involved in sinful behavior like smoking, drinking or promiscuity. I was determined to be a “good girl.”

I didn’t understand that a person cannot live the Christian life without the abiding presence of Jesus Christ. All my attempts at being good were carried out in my own strength. Moreover, my good intentions were being worn down by the anger of my father. No matter how hard I tried to please him, I was always left with the feeling that I just didn’t measure up.

Looking back, I can see that I was hungry for love, validation and affection. As a senior in high school, I finally gave up inside. My boyfriend had been pressuring me to have sex and at last I relented. To my horror, I soon realized that I was pregnant.

It just so happened that I was soon to leave for college. I was so terrified of my father’s reaction that I delayed telling my family the news. When I was six months pregnant, I finally came home for a visit. My dad emotionally shut me out. In fact, he would not even talk to me except to tell me to “shut up” when I would cry.

His solution to the dilemma was to arrange for me to marry the father. I had not dated the guy since that night; the fact was that I never wanted to see him again. This marriage was doomed to failure from the beginning. But this was 1972 and out-of-wedlock pregnancy still carried a terrible stigma.

The child was born and dreams of college and a bright future quickly faded. My little boy was a joy to me but marriage was torment. My husband did not like me, much less love me. Like my father, he too was verbally abusive and controlling. After a second child was born, the abuse worsened and I decided to divorce my husband.

This was a distinct turning point for me spiritually because I knew I would be labeled once again by my family and community as a bad person, (and I was) so I figured it didn’t matter how I lived.  I convinced myself that I must not have been a Christian after all or I wouldn’t be such a bad person.  After months of living a truly shameful life of immorality, I decided to leave the state and start all over.

Within months, still desperate for love and acceptance, I moved in with a man who provided a sense of financial security and physical affection, but even this relationship lacked real love. He soon left me for another woman.

By this time I realized that men would never meet my needs. It was then that I changed my perspective and decided that I would throw myself into building a career. Over the next several years I made it my goal to climb the corporate ladder and make a good life for myself and my kids.

Even though I retained a lot of resentment toward men, I continued to give over to promiscuity. My family had long ago rejected me because of my sinful lifestyle, and though I occasionally visited church, the perceived stares and gossip were more than I could bear.

One day I discovered that I was pregnant again and chose to have an abortion. Before long, another one followed. I blocked out the guilt of my actions, convincing myself that abortion wouldn’t be legal if it were wrong. By this point, I had become a proud and defiant woman.

I didn’t realize it then, but there were many people praying for me during that time. It seemed that as much as I attempted to steel myself against it, the Holy Spirit continued to convict me of my sinful lifestyle.

One night, I was awakened—as though God was in the room. He simply said, “Enough.” I knew He was speaking to me and sobbed uncontrollably. I knew that I was not the woman He had intended me to be. I knew that only the Lord could rescue me from my bondage to sexual sin. In desperation I cried out, “Lord, I don’t want to live like this anymore, please forgive me!”

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From that night on I became a different person. I could not wait to get back into church. I started reading the Word every day, learning all I could. I was desperate to be different and was in awe of this Savior who could love me after all that I had done.

One of the truths that God made real to me came from the words of Jesus just before He went to the Cross: “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies it bears much fruit.” He was telling me that anyone who desires to follow Him must die to his or her own life and embrace His. In fact, in the very next verse He says if we struggle to hold onto life, we will lose it. But if we are willing to let go of our lives in order to experience His, we will find life in the fullest sense of the word. (John 12:24-25)

This is what I have endeavored to do during the past 21 years—simply by trusting and abiding in Christ every day. What a glorious adventure it has been! He brought a godly man into my life who is not only my husband but my best friend and spiritual mentor as well. God has graciously restored relationships within my family. He has opened amazing doors of opportunity for me to minister to women across the country and in other parts of the world. My story proves that God uses simple and ordinary people to accomplish His wonderful work.

When I lived for myself, I was indeed a very sinful woman. But my testimony today can be summed up in the words about another woman like me: “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love.” (Luke 7:47 NLT) By God’s grace I intend on spending the rest of my life loving my Savior and the people He brings into my life.

We all face the struggle of dealing with our flesh. Paul said, “For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God...” (Romans 8:6-7) Imagine it! Hostile to God!

We all have a flesh and it does not magically vanish when a person becomes a believer. Jesus said, “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” The flesh is our old, carnal nature. It must be dealt with. Think of it as the weak-willed man within us. Our fallen nature has a side to it that has no character, no resolve, no backbone, and no self-control.

The Bible says that the flesh is a slave to impurity and lasciviousness (Romans 6:19), serves the law of sin (Romans 7:25), has passions and desires (Galatians 5:24), brings corruption (Galatians 6:8), has its own wisdom (II Corinthians 1:12), wages war against the soul (I Peter 2:11) and has nothing good in it (Romans 7:18). It is the flesh that desires and generates immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, and carousing. (Galatians 5:19-21) It is the weak-willed man inside us.

When we speak of the flesh, or the carnal nature, keep in mind that we are primarily referring to a mind-set, a way of thinking. It is the insanity which keeps us bound up in sin that we know (when we are in our right minds) is destroying us.

For the man struggling with the powerful pull of sexual temptation, the conflict between the flesh and spirit becomes an even more relevant issue in life. Paul said, I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” (Galatians 5:16 NKJV)

Herein is the key to overcoming life-dominating habits: to walk in the Spirit. After 19 years of dealing with Christian men in sexual sin (including many ministers), I have never found any evidence to dispute this statement. Childhood traumas, frigid wives, availability of pornography, seductive women, or lack of accountability notwithstanding, I have never seen a man in sexual sin who was walking in the Spirit. Every man I have ever dealt with has had one thing in common: not one of them emphasized the need to crucify the flesh (as Paul later mentions in the passage) and to walk in the Spirit.

You can spend years on the psychologist’s couch, regularly attend support group meetings, go to a world famous clinic for sexual addicts, have experiences of a memory being healed, be slain in the Spirit, or even have demons cast out of you. However, if you want to overcome habitual sin, you must learn to walk in the Spirit.

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Spiritual Change Over Time

This process is a lifelong daily battle. After telling his readers to walk in the Spirit, Paul goes on to say, “For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.” (Galatians 5:17) In this verse, we see the daily battle raging inside every believer who wants to please God and yet finds that part of him simply wants to indulge in pleasure and sin.

Everyday we make choices about which spirit will be in control. We can choose to give in to the flesh: vent our anger on others, be sarcastic, indulge in sexual thinking, and be wrapped up in ourselves. We can sit in front of a television, listen to carnal music, or read worldly magazines. Or, we can choose to shield ourselves from the sensualities of the media, control our minds, bridle our tongues, and show kindness to others. Minute by minute, throughout the rest of our lives, we will face choices as to our behavior.

This is where the typical Christian gets bogged down and discouraged. It seems that change will never come, that they are bound to live in defeat. This is not God’s desire for His children. While it is true that one aspect of the spirit vs. flesh war occurs in our daily lives, equally true is that the person who strives after righteousness, struggles against the desires of the flesh, and pursues a course of holiness, gradually gains ground in the contest. This process takes time and requires the believer to diligently cooperate with the Holy Spirit’s work. The sincere seeker soon discovers a previously unknown strength forming within him. He will notice that temptations no longer grip him with overwhelming power. His intimacy with God increases, in turn producing a power not present early on in his faith to overcome temptation. Before long, this man will come to know what it means to become a mature saint: to truly walk in the Spirit.

This spiritual growth and development is not automatic. A person does not mature into godliness simply because his salvation experience happened a long time ago. He grows into the likeness of Christ only by daily cooperating with God’s work in his inner man.

Subjecting More Than Just Our Sex Problem

One of the first things he must learn is bringing his flesh under subjection. Many sexual addicts plead with God for help to overcome sexual addiction but resist Him when He begins to require change in other areas of their lives. They want Him to come into their inside world and clean out the red light district but leave the movie houses, gambling halls, and comedy clubs.

When men come into the Pure Life Residential Program, they quickly find out that God is not looking to simply help them overcome “one little problem.” Rather, He is looking to overhaul their entire lives. These men’s lives can be compared to an old, dilapidated shack. God wants to dismantle the old dump and build a palace, but many shriek in terror when they see Him show up with the hammer and crow bar. They feel like they will die if He takes it down. Instead of allowing the Lord to destroy it, they go out and nail a few boards on it, give it a fresh coat of paint and try to convince Him that it is now a worthy dwelling. There’s nothing more pathetic than a well-painted shack! This is precisely what Jesus was referring to when He said, “And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; otherwise the wine will burst the skins, and the wine is lost, and the skins as well; but one puts new wine into fresh wineskins.” (Mark 2:22) How can the Lord get us out of the slums of defeat if we refuse to allow Him?

As we rid ourselves of the old nature, God replaces the void with the mind, thinking, and behavior of Christ. As we allow Jesus to have more of the territory in our kingdom, we will find that our inside world becomes better managed and more clean and orderly. As we permit God to empty our old self-nature, we find Him filling us with His Holy Spirit. Thus, a defeated life is gradually replaced with a victorious life. It is not overstating it to say that we desperately need Him to spiritually invade and take over our inside world. As God captures our hearts, conquers our wills, and fill us with His Spirit, we will experience the victorious life we are promised. This is what the Lord desires for us and expects from us.

In spite of the fact that sexual sin was widespread under the surface in the Church, it was hardly ever discussed openly in 1986 when I founded Pure Life Ministries. Men who struggled were terrified that if they were discovered they would be ostracized by fellow church members. The fear was legitimate.

Gratefully, this has changed, and today sexual sin is talked about openly. Those who struggle are no longer stigmatized and treated as outcasts as they once were. After all, lust is “Every Man’s Battle.” Indeed, the  catch-phrase in the Church is: “God hates the sin but loves the sinner.”

Yes, much has changed for the good in the past 30 years. And yet, I fear that the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction. Could it be that in our attempt to show compassion to those bound up in sin that we have minimized the evil nature of the sin? In our rush to assure fallen men that “God loves the sinner,” have we forgotten that He also “hates the sin?” Are we giving men the wrong message that God really isn’t too concerned about wickedness?

What Jesus Said About Lust

Unlike many today, Jesus spoke of lust in the most sobering and even frightening terms. For instance, we are all familiar with the passage dealing with lust and masturbation in the Sermon on the Mount:

You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery;” but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell. (Matthew 5:27-30)

Before we blow over these well-known (and to many, worn out) words, we should stop to examine an important term Jesus used in this passage: stumble (Gk. skandalizo). It seems as though Jesus is saying, “If you occasionally have a spiritual lapse, you must sever the cause of it lest you be sent to hell.” How could that be the case? Would Jesus really send a man to hell because he “stumbles” in sin every now and then? Since these words don’t seem to line up with our ideas about God’s grace (“God loves the sinner”), most people tend to think that Jesus really didn’t mean what He said. But I want to say that Jesus made no mistakes in His statements. He said exactly what He meant to say and it is very dangerous to assume otherwise.

One of the reasons these words aren’t taken very seriously by many men today is that the English translation used here is very weak. The Greek term skandalizo is much more alarming than our English term stumble. Perhaps glancing at a couple of other verses where this Greek word is used will give us a better sense of what it really means:

“And in a similar way these are the ones on whom seed was sown on the rocky places, who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with joy; and they have no firm root in themselves, but are only temporary; then, when affliction or persecution arises because of the word, immediately they fall away (skandalizo).” (Mark 4:16-17)

“And at that time many will fall away (skandalizo) and will deliver up one another and hate one another.” (Matthew 24:10)

In the context of these two passages, we can see that this term refers to spiritual apostasy. But is that really what Jesus is talking about? Isn’t this term also used in a less dramatic way? Yes, and that is precisely the point. The strength of Jesus’ statement about lust and masturbation should be understood in direct correlation to each individual’s situation.

For instance, if we are talking about a godly man who “walks with the Lord,” but then—in a moment of uncharacteristic weakness—succumbs to temptation and lusts or masturbates, but repents and gets back on track, that would rightly be termed “stumbling.” On the other hand, the word stumble would not be the appropriate term to use for the man who regularly indulges in lust or masturbation. His sin is causing him to fall away from the living God.

And What That Means for You

Many men I have dealt with over the years have deceived themselves about their sin. They like to say that they “struggle” with lust or masturbation, when the truth is that there really isn’t any struggle going on at all: they regularly give over to the passions of their flesh. Peter described men like this in the Church of his day: “They have eyes full of harlotry, insatiable for sin. They beguile and bait and lure away unstable souls. Their hearts are trained in covetousness (lust, greed)… Forsaking the straight road they have gone astray…” (II Peter 2:14-15 AMP)

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This is the sort of man who I believe Jesus is addressing in this passage: men who are habitually sinning. They don’t occasionally slip into the gutter; they live there. It would be very foolish for such men to minimize the gravity of Jesus’ words in this passage. He only used the term hell in a handful of occasions; in this case he used it twice. The implication of His words is unmistakable.

The deception many fall prey to is that since they remain faithful in their church attendance, they can’t be considered as apostates. A backslider is someone who has thrown off all semblances of Christianity and is living in open sin. However, much of the Bible is taken up with the hypocrisy of those who “honor Me with their lips but their hearts are far from Me.”

The context of Jesus’ statements in Matthew 5 revolves around the heart, the inward life. The point Jesus made is that even though a man may not be committing actual fornication the very fact that his heart is full of lust makes him just as guilty as if he were actually practicing it. Thus, it is possible for an individual to fall away from God in his heart even though he still maintains an outward semblance of religion.

The true telling factor of whether a man will face the terrible sentence pronounced by “He who has been given authority to execute judgment,” is not whether or not he is sitting in church every week, but what is going on inside him. Those who have “gone astray” and “fallen away” in their hearts, would do well to drop to their knees and cry out to God for a spirit of repentance. God can restore innocence to every heart that truly desires it – truly cries out to Him for it.