We recently heard from a guy who has re-dedicated his life to Jesus and confessed a lot of previous sin to his wife. He's made some steps to stop the behavior that was going on, but he says "I wasn't completely open with her. I told her that I had not cheated on her with anyone else." But he meant sexual intercourse and he continues, "The problem is I visited some massage parlors and messed around." He expressed that he feels really bad about it, but he doesn't want to hurt his wife anymore than he already has. So he's asking, "Should I tell her?"

OK. Yes, you should definitely tell her. It's great you've re-dedicated your life to the Lord and you're walking in the light with God; but you need to walk in the light with other people, especially your wife. The scripture says in 1 John 1:6-7, "If we say we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his son cleanses us from all sin."

Can you talk more about walking in the light? You just talked about some incredible benefits that are listed in that verse. We're promised "fellowship with one another," "the blood of Jesus cleansing us from all sins," and I think that we've heard those verses so many times at this point we miss how amazing those benefits really are. So let's start with talking about the blessing of open fellowship with his wife.

Well first of all, I'd say there's joy of true intimacy that you can't have if you have all these walls built up and you're hiding from your wife. So all the skeletons are out of the closet and there's no more guilty fear; and with that, there's transparency. It's the only way to develop real fellowship with your wife. She can't have fellowship with an unreal person. Now you can really relate to your wife and you can learn to love one another - to enjoy one another as a couple that you just can't do if you're living in sin and in darkness.

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What is God promising to us in the phrase "...and the blood of Jesus Christ his son cleanses us from all sin?”

I like to look at that as a New Testament answer to David's cry in Psalm 51, "Create in me a clean heart, oh God." With that it's much more than just freedom from guilt. God promises to cleanse from the guilt of sin which is necessary for our relationship with the Lord to be restored. But it's also talking about the idea of freedom and cleansing from the power of sin - both to deceive and enslave you, even as a believer. A third thing is the idea of cleansing you from the evil effects of your sin - the inward pollution and contamination where God literally cleanses your heart.

That's a lot more than just forgiveness. I think a lot of times we don't grasp the power of confession and forsaking; and that's really what you're talking about.

So let's say that you've convinced the guy, and he comes to the place where he actually wants to confess everything to his wife. What counsel would you give to him about the actual confession?

First of all, you need to pray. Pray that God would prepare your wife's heart to receive this devastating news that you're going to dump on her. Pray that she'd be ready to receive it and that God would already begin the healing process as you're speaking with her and being open and honest with her. In addition, you need to confess everything up front. Don't leave things for later on. They're going to devastate your wife and re-open the fresh wound. Tell her everything up front. Put it all on the table at once. But also, you don't have to be graphic and specific. It's unmerciful to your wife to know all the little details.

OK. So what would be like an example of that?

Say someone didn't have a physical relationship with a woman, but they were involved in an emotional affair - texting or online chatting. His wife needs to know that he was involved with this communication with a woman or multiple women. And she needs to know exactly what he did as far as how he was communicating with them, but without all the gory details of specifically what they were talking about in their conversation.

That makes sense. You're just trying to inform her of the kind of life that you are living without giving her a lot of details that would really torment her mentally?

I can start to see how this could really help the marriage. It really fosters that intimacy and it could help her to keep him accountable and come alongside of him in his ongoing struggles.

Yeah, and it also begins the healing process where he's being open even with his current struggles. As he's going through his own process of healing, she'll learn to trust him and to start developing that relationship of trust again that was lost because of his sin.

Now I'm assuming that this would only apply to a husband and wife relationship. What about a fiance relationship or a dating relationship? How would that change?

I would say in a regular dating relationship, yes you need to be accountable; but that would be more with your spiritual authority in your church. If the relationship is progressing to the point of considering marriage - especially if you are already engaged - she needs to know what's going on in your life. It's unfair for a woman to be looking at marriage not knowing who she's really marrying. You need to be open when it comes to that stage. You need to put things out there, especially if you're still walking through this stuff - if you're still overcoming it. Maybe you've experienced a measure of victory, but it's not completely out of your life. She needs to know about it much more so than if it's just something from your past.

Jordan Yoshimine is a biblical counselor at Pure Life Ministries who came out of a homosexual background, and now he wants to offer hope to others in the same situation by answering some common questions about this difficult issue.

Brooks: Jordan, I know someone could wonder, "How could a person who was raised in a Christian home come to struggle with homosexuality?" I know when you've shared your testimony in the past—even on our At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry DVD Curriculum—you've talked about how you began to develop a desire for other men early in your life...how that followed a horrible experience of abuse you had from an older man in your church and other influences from the culture around you. So can you now elaborate and expand on that and talk to us more about how this process unfold? How do people with a Christian background come to the place of struggling with homosexuality?

Jordan: So, I was exposed to media at a very young age. And I was molested at a very young age. And those two things combined really affected my trajectory in life. But different people are going to have different experiences. You could probably talk to anyone who's struggling with same sex attraction, and their experience is going to be much different and varied. And at the end of the day, it's a sin issue. And it really is a heart issue, and it's a self issue—pleasing self, putting yourself on the throne, putting your own needs and desires above the needs and desires of others...and the desire to have a true, deep relationship with the Lord.

Anyone has the opportunity for Satan to come in and use same-sex attraction as a tool to draw them away from the Lord. Anyone. It doesn't matter whether you're raised in a Christian home or not. My sin just happened to be same-sex attraction; for someone else, it might be materialism...or possessions, or athletics, or promiscuity, or pornography, or marriage, or relationships. So my sin just happened to be homosexuality. Sin is sin; we're all born sinners; we all have a fallen nature.

Brooks: I know that at one time in the church, homosexuality was clearly seen as sin, and any teaching to the contrary would have been clearly recognized as false teaching. But of course, today, our culture has embraced homosexuality, and even some churches claim that homosexuality is acceptable. So if someone who is struggling with homosexuality has heard this teaching and they're on the fence, what would you say?

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Jordan: If you're going to take the Word of God literally, which is what all Christians should do, then you cannot deny biblically that homosexuality is a sin. Sexual immorality in general is a sin—homosexuality being one of those. And we know that it wouldn’t be right for someone to be going to church, saying, "Well, you know, I'm an adulterer; that's who I am." Or, "I'm a fornicator; I like sleeping around with whoever. That's who I am. That's the way God made me." Well, no. But we kind of single out homosexuality because it's more of a lifestyle thing. But it's just sexual sin, and the Bible is very clear about sexual sin.

And if you look at Leviticus 18, where it does mention, "Man shall not lay with another man," God is calling his people, the Israelites, out of the culture—and the culture was full of homosexual lust. And if you look at Paul when he was speaking to the Corinthians...if you look at the Roman culture of that day, several of the emperors at that time had homosexual relationships. So the Word is just as relevant today as it was then, because the culture hasn't changed. Homosexuality was just as prevalent then, and God was calling his people out: to deny themselves, to take up the cross, and to "follow Me." Laying down our "self-life" and giving it to the Lord.

Brooks: At the end of the day, what should someone struggling with homosexuality expect? What will daily life be like? I know some folks might hope for an instantaneous deliverance from all temptation forever, but obviously that probably isn't going to happen. At the same time, I know some people despair of ever changing...ever feeling any different than they do. So can you leave us with what is a realistic expectation?

Jordan: I will say it this way: it's really about holiness—about becoming holy, becoming like Jesus. Your focus and your gaze has to be on eternity, because it's going to be tough. I had a really close friend who's not a believer, and she said to me, "You're just suppressing your feelings." And I thought about it, and I said, "No, I'm not suppressing my feelings; I am denying my flesh—and there's a big difference." Without God, would I go back to homosexuality? Yeah, I would totally be back in that lifestyle. Absolutely. But God has called me out of sin and out of the world and into a relationship with him, and the two can't co-mingle together.

When I was first coming out of that lifestyle that was a lot of temptation. Seven years later? Much less. But still, my flesh is my flesh. Satan knows that's always going to be a weakness of mine. And every once in a while he'll come in and tempt me, whether it's at a grocery store, or an image on a billboard or on a screen somewhere. But it’s a fleeting thought, and it just kind of goes away, because I know who my Lord is. I know who my Savior is. I know where I'm going. And it just doesn't have the same hold on me as it did many years ago, because I'm falling more and more in love with Jesus. It's amazing what the Lord can do.

But as far as what a person can expect, it's almost like you're going to have to expect persecution. Just expect it. Expect yourself to be isolated. Expect that it may take time to find a church—a really Bible-believing, Word-based church. Keep looking, because there are people out there that want to help you—that want to walk alongside of you and bring you in and help you grow in your faith. But it is going to be a battle. It is going to be a fight, especially at the beginning. Especially when you're trying to come out of the lifestyle. Satan hates that you're even thinking about God or thinking about a relationship with Him, so he's going to do everything in his power to make staying in the gay lifestyle easier and more attractive. But it's a lie, because he just wants to take you where he's going...and that's eternal separation from the Lord.

It happened again just the other day. Although it is becoming increasingly common in our society, it never fails to shock me. A friend shared with me the story of yet another minister caught in the act of sexual sin. Every time I hear these reports, a mixture of emotion wells up within me. I feel the heartbreak of the spouse and children involved, as I am all too familiar with the pain that sexual sin inflicts on innocent members of the family. I feel the discouragement of the congregation as they are left reeling from the aftereffects of their pastor’s sin. I feel angry at the enemy, who has successfully deceived another victim, and brought shame and ridicule on the church. And I feel a great burden for the one whose secret life was uncovered in such a damaging way. Nobody wins in situations like these.

On a recent ministry trip, I had several opportunities to share my testimony. When people hear my story, many can relate to the cycle of bondage to sexual sin, as it touches the lives of so many in our churches. Many men understand what it feels like to confess their sin to God and cry out for mercy—believing they have the victory—only to fall once again a short time later. I lived in this frustrating cycle for years, never being able to find true freedom.

As I was describing this to one man, he asked, “How did you get out of the cycle?” While there are several factors involved, there is one that is a necessary step to the repentance process. What I discovered was that I could not find freedom—no matter how hard I tried—until I was willing to expose my sin.

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For years, I had attempted to overcome my sin in secret. I believed that the Lord would help me get free, and that I could avoid the guaranteed pain of allowing it to be revealed. I justified my secrecy by convincing myself that it was better that God and I deal with it alone, because of the pain that confession would cause others. I cried out to the Lord for forgiveness countless times. I felt that I was sincere and at times I pleaded with the Lord in tears. But no matter how genuine I felt my repentance was, the presence of continual sin in my life was evidence that something was missing.

The pressure to confess at times was overwhelming. I remember clearly thinking, “If I could just come out in the open with everything, maybe I could finally be free from this nightmare.” But my list of reasons to avoid exposure kept me from moving forward with that conviction. These excuses were not completely unfounded. My confession would indeed put my marriage, ministry and reputation at risk. I was fully aware that I would face painful consequences. But the longer I kept my sin covered, the higher the stakes became. Bringing my sin into the light early on would have saved myself and those I thought I was “protecting” much pain and humiliation.

When people ask me for practical advice on getting free from sin, I usually start here. An early step in the repentance process involves bringing our sin into the light. It does not mean that we need to broadcast our sin to everyone in our life. Depending on the depth of our sin and our position of influence, the amount of people that need to be involved will vary. At minimum, sexual sin must be confessed to a spouse. That is non-negotiable. I tried for years to deal with my sin without involving my wife, and it was my stubborn refusal to tell her that actually kept me in bondage.

By nature, sin grows in the dark. The best way to stay in sin is to keep it secret. When I look back over the years I spent crying out to the Lord for victory, it is as if He was saying, “I want to help you get free. But you will either do it on My terms, or not at all. Dealing with it in secret without anyone finding out is not an option."

I was counseling recently with someone who had confided in me about secret sin in his life. Hearing my story had given him the determination to avoid the misery that I had walked through due to my unwillingness to come into the light. I told him, “Confessing will be painful. There will be some consequences that you will have to walk through. But I’m really excited for you! Although you are looking at this side of the exposure and the humiliation and pain you will deal with, I can see the other side. The Lord can do so many great things now that you are willing to confess!” Despite the difficult circumstances that arise in the process, the end result is worth the momentary pain.

Perspective is everything when dealing with sexual sin. The devil will try to make people focus on the negative repercussions and use that to keep them in sin. But if they could just see the joy of living in freedom from sexual sin and having a clean conscience before the Lord, they would readily bring their sin into the light and pay whatever price that might entail.

When I hear the reports of ministers being exposed for sexual sin, it makes me wonder. How many times had the Lord prompted them to come into the light, but they refused? How many opportunities did they have to tell their spouse, but, instead, they justified keeping their sin in the dark? How much pain could they have avoided had they come clean in the beginning of their compromise?

If you are reading these words right now, and you find yourself secretly bound in sin, let me ask you a question. How many years will you waste away in your sin? How much more pain will you cause your loved ones by refusing to really allow the Lord to deal with your heart? Is it worth the gamble that you will find freedom down the road when the Holy Spirit is tugging on your heart today to bring your sin into the light?

John 3:19-21 says, “This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.”

There are two types of people in this passage: those who refuse to come into the light for fear of exposure, and those who willingly come into the light for the sake of living in truth. Which one will you be? The choice is yours.

If I could go back thirteen years to the time I began to lie about my sin, I would shake myself and say, “Bring it into the light right now! Don’t go into hiding. You can avoid years of pain, hardship and regrets if you expose your sin now and choose to walk in the light.” Of course, I cannot go back and change the past. But I can allow my failures to be an encouragement to others to not make the same mistakes.

Brooks: Ken Larkin is a biblical counselor here at Pure Life. Ken, I think it's really important that we're able to share with people from time to time some key ways they can fight sexual temptation. So, I want to ask you to share this concept that I know you find really important for people to understand as a counselor--this idea of being a giver. I think that honestly when I say that phrase while we're discussing the topic of sexual sin people might have a hard time making that connection initially, so, to start off can you tell us just basically what you have in mind when you talk about that phrase being a giver.

Ken: Yeah, it means the basic flow of your life is outward toward others, instead of being consumed with what I can get for myself. That I'm more concerned about others and their needs and what's important to them.

Brooks: OK, I think I'm following that. Now, right at the outset, this seems like something that is totally the opposite of what we see in the culture here in America. Would you say that's true?

Ken: Absolutely. Yeah, everything in our culture is catered toward self and toward getting something that you desire.

Brooks: Now I know there's a lot of other important spiritual disciplines that somebody has to have in their life in order to stay free. I mean, they have to have basic walk with God, Bible reading, prayer, we know all of those things. But in what you've seen in the Bible and in your own counseling, how important is this teaching of being a giver in relationship to a person's spiritual life?

Ken: I believe it's extremely important because true spirituality is about being godly, or God-like. And God himself is a giver. The Scriptures say in John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave..." He gave his Son and you can't have a true walk with God or any true spirituality without the element of giving. The whole ministry of Jesus was to give his life away for others. Everything he did was focused on meeting the needs of others and ultimately the cross was all about meeting the needs of others. So if we're going to call ourselves a Christian and not live the way Jesus lived--that's called hypocrisy. Giving is a huge, central theme in the Christian life.

Brooks: Ken, I would bet that sometimes you must have counselees that say, "Yeah, I hear what you're saying about giving, but my big problem is I'm looking at pornography." Or "I just have all these lustful thoughts that won't go away, how is this going to help me?" If guys just aren't making the connection between sexual sin and giving, what do you tell them?

Ken: I tell them that sexual sin revolves around someone's desires--its coveting lust--because it's the desire to get something for self. The idea of being a giver is the opposite flow of that. It's that you are more concerned with what you can give to other people. In your inner life you can't have a flow that is headed outward and a flow that is headed inward at the same time. One of those is going to take precedence. So, if you actually learned to become a giver, it's going to undermine the selfishness that fuels your addiction. But if you don't deal with that at that fundamental level, then you may even overcome your addiction in some respects, but it's going to manifest itself in some other way.‍

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Brooks: Well that does help to clear it up a little bit. So, from here can you give us some practical ideas about becoming a giver. If they are starting to realize that they are selfish and they need to make some changes, but they don't know where to start, what would tell them?

Ken: One of the keys we've found about learning to become a giver is the simplicity of just learning to pray for other people. You know, even in our prayers we can be selfish and self-focused. But, if you learn to pray for other people, God will begin to change your heart toward others. Yes, their needs will be met, but you're going to be changed also and you're going to become less selfish by learning to give in that way.

Brooks: OK, so you highlighted prayer as a good place to start. What would be some other things?

Ken: Along with prayer, I would encourage someone to begin focusing more on others. If you can learn to be a servant and give your life away for the sake of others like Jesus did, that will go a long way in undermining that selfishness the fuels your addiction. Some practical examples? Find a need and fill it. In your own home, maybe doing chores for your wife or helping your parents or whatever the case may be around the house. You can begin right in your own home, doing something you wouldn't normally do. Just serve other people! You can volunteer in your local church, you can go to a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter and volunteer. You can visit the elderly in nursing home or volunteer in a local jail ministry. There's really no limit because the needs are out there it's just finding a need and filling it.

And I would encourage them to make this a lifestyle. Don't have the mindset that this is just going to be a pet project. Learn to become a giver as a lifestyle in the practical outworkings of your everyday life.

Brooks: Ken, I know you came out of sexual sin yourself and for years now you've been counseling others who are seeking freedom. This teaching--about becoming a giver--can you tell us a little bit about the changes you've seen.

Ken: I've seen men come into the program that seemed hopeless. They were totally given over to sexual sin, some for decades! And just by simply learning to be a giver, their lives were totally changed and set free through the power of the Gospel and through Jesus Christ. Because they were learning to be a doer of the word and to put basic things into practice. And in my own life, you know, I've been radically set free. It's amazing what God can do if we're just willing to cooperate with him and do what he says in His word.

Jeff and Rose Colón share about the challenges of rebuilding trust after sexual sin has impacted a marriage.

Mike: Jeff and Rose, as we focus on couples this week, we want to talk about what is admittedly a difficult issue for anyone, the betrayal of trust. Jeff, how does a couple begin to deal with this issue?

Jeff: First of all Mike the husband needs to understand that because he has lied - sometimes for years - to his wife, he has hurt her very deeply, to the point that some wives actually are more upset at the lies he's told than the actual sin that was committed. The husband has to understand that and that trust is not going to be something that comes automatically for his wife. He's going to have to be willing to be truthful and to handle things differently, so he can build that trust back into his marriage. It might take quite some time to do that.

Mike: Do you find that sometimes the husbands think well "Okay I've gotten all this out in the open and I've acknowledged everything that I did, so everything should be okay now?"

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Jeff: Absolutely. I mean that's what we see a lot of the time. The husband expects his wife to snap out of it and thinks "Okay, you've got to trust me now," and I question whether that guy has really been broken over his sin, if he's not willing to bear his wife through the process of building that trust back into the marriage.

Mike: So are there any particular steps that he can take? What are the things that he needs to begin to do?

Jeff: The Bible's pretty clear in Ephesians 4:25. It says "Therefore put away falsehood. Let everyone speak truth with his neighbor for we are members of one another." It pretty much comes down to learning how to speak the truth and to being vulnerable. A lot of times a husband who's in sexual sin isn't honest about what goes on inside, so the wife kind of knows something's wrong, but he's lying and saying everything's fine. But when a husband is honest and begins to speak truth from his heart and shares what's going on inside his heart and is vulnerable to her, then she says "Okay, I can trust him. I know he's not trying to put up a false front to me. He's being honest about his struggles, what's going on inside." A wife that sees her husband speaking to her that way in truth and with vulnerability, she can begin to start to trust him again.

Mike: Often times I would assume that he's just looking at his outward behavior, but what God's wanting to do is that inward work in the heart of a man, and that's what the wife is looking for. So if a guy is just changing his behavior and he doesn't understand why his wife isn't trusting him, what he's not understanding is that she's looking to see if there's a heart change over a period of time.

Jeff: Right. Absolutely. Sometimes the husband will fall into the trap that he has to be perfect and that if he shares with his wife that he's struggling inside or there's something not right inside that she's going to freak out, but what he doesn't understand is it will actually make her more secure. Our wives want to know what's going on inside of us and they're not looking for some spiritual Superman. They're looking for a man that is honest and vulnerable and willing to open up his inside world with his wife.

Mike: Rose is there a different perspective that a woman, the wife in the situation, has? How is she dealing with it? First of all, how does a wife perceive this issue? Does she see it differently?

Rose: Usually, the wife does not trust the husband at all, even though he's gone through the program and done all the right things, she doesn't trust him, and that's just where she's at that point in time. They feel frustrated a lot of times because the husband will be in this mindset that "Okay because I've done the program you need to trust me now," but he has a track record where he can't be trusted. I try to help the wife to just see that the focus needs to be on the Lord, that He's the one that your husband is accountable to primarily, and to trust that God is able to deal with him. As you see the Lord working in his life and him growing in the Lord and dealing with his heart then the wife starts seeing "Okay that trust can be built back into the marriage." It does come back, but it really weighs on the husband - how vulnerable, open, and honest he's willing to be with his wife. Someone that is honest, open, and vulnerable you can trust, but someone that's been lying and deceiving, you can't trust that person. Usually I'll ask the wife, "When can you trust someone? When they're being honest with you." So if the husband's not being honest then they're really hindering the Lord from working in that area.

Mike: Jeff and Rose, thanks for joining us. We appreciate it.

Jeff: Thanks, Mike. It's good to be with you.

Rose: You're welcome.

In recent years, homosexuality has become widely accepted in our culture. Jeff Colón joins us to talk about how the church is relating to this cultural shift.

Mike: Jeff Colon has joined me in the studio. Jeff, good to see again.

Jeff: Thanks, Mike. It's good to be here.

Mike: Jeff, you recently authored an article for our Ezine entitled "Homosexuality: The Church at a Crossroads." You began that article with a passage from Isaiah.

Jeff: Yeah, Mike. Let me read those verses out of Isaiah 5:20-21, "Whoa to those who call evil good, and good evil; who put darkness for light, and light for darkness; who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight." When I look out at what's happening in our nation today, these verses really bear witness to the stark reality of what's happening.

Mike: Well, talk a little bit about that Jeff because you really saw this from two different perspectives. Talk first about what you see on this issue of homosexuality in the culture itself.

Jeff: We see it everywhere - I believe today more than ever - just openly celebrating same-sex marriage and people coming out, almost glorying in those things that should be our shame. It's almost like a flood of evil has been unleashed. You can look at the news, the internet, and television sets nationwide that are just inundated with enduring images of gays and lesbians. If you even look at the political stage, same-sex marriage is pretty much dominating, many times, headlines and stories. Even a president of the United States, Barack Obama, is really for the first time backing the homosexual agenda.

Mike: One of the striking things to me about that is we wouldn't be surprised necessarily in the United States because of the worldliness that our country has been in for so long, but what's striking to me is that this movement is happening on a global scale and it seems as you said to be just a flood washing across the globe. The second point though that you pointed out is that you were more concerned about what you see in the church - talk about that.

Jeff: Yeah, we see that the church has not escaped this. Mainline denominations are changing their positions and now readily ordaining gay and lesbian pastors and leaders, enthusiastically performing same-sex marriages, and taking foundational truths of God's Word which have been in place for thousands of years and just sweeping them aside.

Mike: The title of this article was "Homosexuality: The Church at a Crossroads," but you really saw that the church had made a wrong turn a long time ago. Talk about some of the other issues that you see within the church that you felt like this issue was just a natural outcome of.

Jeff: Yeah, that's really what was on my heart because a lot of times, especially nowadays, you hear Christians say "Wow this is going to really divide the church," But again to me, homosexuality is just a tip of the iceberg. I think the issue goes back decades and is really just the result of veering away from the authority of God's Word in a lot of ways over the years. At the core, the real issue is a rejection of God and suppressing His truth in favor of being wise in our own eyes which Romans 1:18-21 talks about. If I could sum it up in two words - it's pride and rebellion...against God.

Mike: You mentioned that you felt like homosexuality was just the tip of the iceberg. Expand on that a little bit.

Jeff: We see in those scriptures in Roman, that yes homosexuality is there at the forefront, but there's a whole litany of things listed in that scripture. In Romans chapter one it says they're filled with "all unrighteousness," "sexual immorality," "wickedness," "covetousness," "full of envy." I mean the list goes on and on and on - "unloving," "unforgiving," "disobedient to parents" - so we see there are a whole plethora of sins that are really the result of denying and suppressing the truth of God, and homosexuality is just one of them in that list.

Mike: As you're talking, it reminds me of a little book that Steve Gallagher wrote, "How America Lost Her Innocence," and he looks back at what you're describing going all the way back into the 60's as we begin to see the slide of what was happening not only in the culture, but in the church.

Jeff: Yeah, absolutely. Really, it's society obviously wholeheartedly embracing worldly philosophies. But the problem is that the church is following right behind, and as the church further embraces the philosophies and wisdom of this world it's like a crack in the dam, and then a flood of evil is released.

Mike: You reflected in your article that as you're looking at the church today that it looks very much like the church Paul foresaw in the end times.

Jeff: Yeah, Paul described in 2 Timothy 4:3-4 a church that would "not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables." Just the fact that the church would even debate whether the Bible teaches that homosexuality is sinful bears out this truth.

Mike: As you look at the condition of the church and what's happening in the culture, it almost seems like things are becoming more black and white. The gray seems to be disappearing, like a division is occurring.

Jeff: Yeah and I believe it needs to happen, it's going to get clearer and clearer, and this is really what it comes down to: there's going to be those on one side who have conformed their lives to the Gospel Jesus proclaimed and on the other side, those who have created a gospel that conforms to their lives and desires.

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Mike: You mentioned that the separation is coming and I was surprised at first when I read that you will welcome it. Talk a little bit about why you feel that way.

Jeff: I believe it needs to happen for the true church to be seen. I think for too many years the world has looked at the church and they don't see much of a difference. I believe that God has a remnant and I believe that God is going to have a pure and spotless bride and we're going to be a true light on the hill, so the separation really does have to happen. I do welcome it because I know out of that the true church will arise and will really be able to have an impact and reach souls.

Mike: What do you think is most important for us as individual believers to do as it relates to our own lives and attitudes about what we see going on in the church and in the culture?

Jeff: The key here is returning to the Word of God and getting into the Word of God for ourselves. I also really believe it's time to pray like never before, to really be seeking the Lord, looking to Him, and looking to the Holy Spirit to conform our lives and to produce God's will and purpose in our lives. I believe those that are hearing God calling the remnant, and will listen, will return to the Lord; and God will be glorified and the true church will come forth out of that.

Mike: Yeah, amen. That's a good word, Jeff. Thanks so much for talking to us as we see the church at a crossroads today.

Jeff: Thanks, Mike.

Steve Gallagher answers the tough question of parents who are trying to respond to a son who says he is homosexual.

Mike: Steve, we want to deal today with a question that came in from some parents. I'm assuming they're Christian parents. Their son grew up in the church and he's now saying that he's involved in homosexuality or in fact, he's saying he is a homosexual. How does a parent begin to deal with a situation like this?

Steve: Well, the first thing that comes to my mind Mike is they really need to pray for him - a lot of prayer. My experience has been that parents often lapse into this faithless despair and just kind of throw their hands up in the air and just feel hopeless about it, but that's not true. God answers prayers. He's a God of love and compassion. He loves that boy. He wants to see him repent and be restored - it's his heart. So definitely the first thing that comes to my mind is that they need to really lay out a systematic plan of prayer for him.

Mike: So often you hear these horror stories from the gay community that a parent finds out that their son or daughter is involved in homosexuality and they throw them out on the street. What is a realistic and a godly practical response?

Steve: There are practical sides to that, but I would say even before we get to the practical, that he really needs to feel the love and acceptance of him as a person from his parents. They have to be careful that they don't respond out of anger or frustration and cause this gap to grow bigger and for there to become a wall that becomes insurmountable. The hope is that this thing is going to run its course and eventually he's going to start re-evaluating some of the decisions he's made. And you don't want any obstacles between him and you when he reaches that spot. But like I said there is the practical side of it - we communicate our love to him, but we also must stand firm with our convictions that we do not condone this lifestyle and we cannot embrace it. Some parents do ask their child to leave because they don't want that kind of behavior going on in someone's life who is living under their roof. That's something that each parent must face for themselves.

Mike: I think Steve we should probably make a point here that there is a difference in how you're going to deal with a situation in your home between someone who is under-age and someone who may be an adult.

Steve: Yeah, the assumption here is that this young man is eighteen years old or twenty or something like that. You definitely don't throw out a sixteen-year-old out on the streets. You have to deal with that differently.

Mike: Steve, I know that one of the things that parents really wrestle with is how do they communicate their love to their child who may be headed the wrong direction without affirming the choices that they're making.

Steve: I would sit down with him and say "Son as much as I love you, I love the Lord even more, and I have a responsibility as a believer to stand for the truths that have been expressed in scripture; not only for the Lord's sake but also for your sake. I owe it to you as your father to tell you the truth about what God's word says about homosexuality and the devastating consequences of it. What kind of a parent would I be if I didn't tell you the truth?"

Mike: For a child who's struggling with homosexuality who hears the truth, when God hopefully gets a hold of their heart and they repent of their behavior, woe to the father to whom that son would have to turn back and say "Why didn't you tell me the truth?"

I am no stranger to the pain of sexual and emotional abuse. During my younger years, I suffered at the hands of several males - including being raped. This pattern of abuse continued into my marriage of 13 years where I was subjected to constant criticism and the pain of my husband's unfaithfulness. By the time I enrolled in the Pure Life Ministries At-Home Program for Wives, there were very few men I believed I could trust.

I began counseling soon after my husband left to go through the Pure Life Ministries Residential Program. It was much different from any counseling my husband and I had ever received. Instead of receiving pity, or spending time digging up the past, my counselor pointed me to Scripture so that I could see what the Lord wanted to speak to me now. I took a deeper look at what Christ endured because of His great love for us. I started to examine what He said about forgiveness, confession, repentance, humility, submission, and much more.

Up to this point, I had always thought of myself as a forgiving person. But I began to see that bitterness had taken root within my heart, and that I, too, had become a very critical person.

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Yet, in the face of all my sin, I also received a real revelation of God's love for me. I learned that I cannot look to others for my joy and fulfillment - they will only come from the Lord. With Him by my side, I can endure whatever comes my way. No matter what happens, I know my life and my salvation are secure in His hands.

Before Pure Life Ministries, my focus was completely on creating a happy marriage. I had tried unsuccessfully for years to make my husband happy with me. This desire to please him was greater than my desire to please the Lord. But now I was learning to place my husband in God's hands, and as my relationship with Jesus grew deeper, He began to create a peace in my heart that I had never before experienced.

Since my husband and I have gone through the Pure Life Ministries counseling programs, the Lord has restored our marriage. It has not always been an easy road, but with God's help we have been able to overcome our difficulties. I continue to let go of my fears and place my husband's life, our marriage, and our children into God's hands. I can testify with Scripture that God truly is able to give us a "peace that surpasses human understanding."

My time with the Lord has become a vital part of my life. One passage of Scripture that remains precious to me is Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends You, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." It is there in His presence that He is able to do His tremendous work in my heart. Sometimes it's uplifting and sometimes it's heart piercing, but it always leaves me with a greater revelation of His mighty love!

Young people are increasingly dealing with the devastating consequences of sexual abuse. Jeff Colón shares how to offer them real hope and the answers that they need.

Mike: Jeff Colón has joined me in the studio. Jeff, thanks for taking the time to talk with us today.

Jeff: Thanks, Mike. It's good to be with you.

Mike: It's good to see you as always. Jeff, we want to talk today about an issue that I know is difficult for some people to hear about, but is increasingly a problem and that is the issue of dealing with children who have been molested. How much of a problem is that today?

Jeff: I can tell you countless stories - heartbreaking stories - over the devastation that sin causes, but when we're talking about a child that has been molested, we're talking about devastation that really goes deep and really takes its toll on a child; and a counselor really has to be in touch with the Lord to help this child deal with the consequences of such a sin.

Mike: I have to imagine that not only do the issues go deep but these issues that they're dealing with I suspect can go on for years and maybe have been going on for years. As a counselor how do you begin to deal with those kinds of issues?

Jeff: In dealing with children, when a counselor comes across a situation where a child is being abused the first thing you want to do is stop the abuse. Research studies have shown that 60% of children that are abused are re-abused, so it's very important to take quick action so that the abuse ceases and that it cannot happen again.

Mike: We, of course, recognize as counselors that there are legal requirements. If you become aware of molestation, it has to be reported to the authorities. What are some of the physical ramifications of abuse that you might have to deal with as a counselor?

Jeff: Certainly, if there is a suspicion or it has come out that there definitely has been molestation, they should be taken in for a physical examination because sometimes things occur. For instance, I've had instances where a mother has told us of a child that's experiencing bleeding and it's very important to go to a doctor because you never know what kind of damage might have been done. It's important that if there has been damage, that the child can be treated properly.

Mike: Jeff, as you bring up the subject of them needing to have a physical, I'm just thinking in my mind of all the different things - the legal ramifications, the family relationships - all the things that this child is going to have to go through at the beginning of this process unfolding. What's your responsibility as a counselor? How can you help them to get through that?

Jeff: In many cases, the courts are involved and a child immediately faces many kinds of feelings, such as feelings of guilt. Let's say it's a father or a relative they know, that person is in trouble now and they're all of sudden in these corpora and now they feel like they've done something wrong. Or if the perpetrator is sent to jail, sometimes they're dealing with the fear that this man is going to come out and is going to be able to hurt them again. You want to be honest with them and you want to reassure them that there is a possibility of this person getting out at some point, but that they will be protected. You want to help them to deal with all the different kinds of things that they're going to be facing because there's going to be a lot of things they just don't understand, not being an adult.

Mike: I'm assuming there will be some kind of ongoing counseling. What are some of the things that you want to accomplish as you continue through this process with a child?

Jeff: Initially, the counselor has to realize that this child has been damaged emotionally - they don't trust adults. You have to establish trust with that child if you're going to be able to help them. It's something you're going to have to diligently work for. It's good to demonstrate love to that child, but if you want to give them a hug or something, it's good to ask them permission. You don't want to just quickly invade their space that now they've probably protected. But you do want to let them know that you love them and you want to build that trust from the very beginning.

Mike: As children are growing up one of the things that they're learning is respect for authority. I'm assuming for these children all respect for authority has been demolished. How do you balance that - where you're trying to reestablish trust for authority but also maintain that process of learning respect for authority?

Jeff: A wise counselor will have a balance of love and authority. In any kind of counseling situation, the counselor has to be in control of that counseling session. If the counselor allows the child to control things, they're never going to be able to help them, so it is a fine balance; but the child does need to understand that they do have an authority that they need to submit to. If you're showing them love and you're gaining trust, establishing authority isn't going to be a problem, but it is something that the counselor needs to consider.

Mike: Why is it so important for this child to establish a respect for authority?

Jeff: We want to help this child to deal with the situation the way God would want them to deal with it. We want to help them to deal with it biblically. If you establish an authority and there's an understanding that they're going to have to do things God's way, then you're going to be able to help them with the different issues that they're dealing with. For instance, fear is probably one of the most common things that these children are dealing with. They may fear that someone is going to harm them again and they can get obsessed with wondering if this is going to happen again. Or they may fear what that other is thinking of them and become obsessed with themselves, living in this fear. We want to help them to see that preoccupation with themselves is not pleasing to God.

Mike: As you're saying that I'm just seeing the huge difference between approaching a situation like this from a psychotherapeutic perspective and a Biblical counseling perspective.

Jeff: Absolutely. I would say a psychotherapeutic way of dealing with that would be to focus on their emotions and to make it all about them. Whereas we want to get them out of themselves. We want to get their eyes on their source of hope, which is in God and looking at things from God's perspective.

Mike: That's got to throw a whole different perspective on the anger that these children often experience.

Jeff: Some counselors might tell them it's good to be angry. They might even encourage them to vent that anger. But a biblical view would teach them that anger is not pleasing to God and we're going to want to help this child to deal with that anger in a biblical way - that it's not right to return evil for evil and that forgiveness is the way to freedom. So it's very important that this child is taught to handle their feelings in a biblical way.

Mike: What about the feelings of guilt that you mentioned a little bit earlier?

Jeff: There are two kinds of guilt. I guess we can say 'false guilt' and 'true guilt'. We want to make sure we have the where-with-all and the spiritual discernment to determine whether or not a child is truly experiencing a false guilt. Feeling as though they did something wrong or it was their fault that this happened - that's obviously an example of false guilt. We want to help them understand that they were not the cause of the problem. The other side could be where God is maybe convicting them of being angry - possibly at their mother because she didn't protect them or even at God for allowing this to happen to them. That would be true guilt and would be conviction from God. We would want to help to alleviate that guilt by doing the right thing and doing the biblical thing, which would be to forgive their mother and realize that it wasn't her fault.

Mike: Jeff, we never know who may be listening to these programs and there may very well be a young person out there that is dealing with having been molested or there may be an adult out there who has never really dealt with past molestation. What word of encouragement might you have for those folks?

Jeff: What I would say to them is that God hasn't turned His eyes away from them and He saw what happened to them and it grieved his heart. We live in a fallen world and bad things happen, but we serve a God that knows how to bring His purpose out of what even seemingly it to us a horrible thing. I've heard my wife - who went through her own issues because of my sexual sin towards her - say that if she hadn't gone through what she went through she couldn't help the wives the way she does now. God has a purpose. God has a plan. He knows how to bring good out of what happened to you. If you'll trust Him and look to Him for the answers, He knows how to heal your heart. Then you will also know how to bring that comfort to others and I'm sure there are many others out there that need to know that there is a God of comfort that can heal any hurt that we have experienced. I just want to encourage you if you're listening that God sees you and He knows you and He has a way out for you. He can bring good out of your situation.

Mike: Jeff Colón, thanks so much.

Jeff: Thanks Mike. It's been good being with you.

"How will I know if my husband has really changed?" is a common question from wives. We talk to Kathy Gallagher for the answer.

Mike: Kathy Gallagher has joined me in the studio. Kathy is the Co-Founder and Senior Administrator here at Pure Life Ministries. Kathy, it's good to see you again.

Kathy: Thanks, Mike. It's good to be here.

Mike: Kathy, as we look at letters to hurting wives today, one of the questions I know you sometimes get from wives of husbands who have gone through our Residential Program or our Overcomers-at-Home Program is "How do I know if my husband has really changed?" What a great question. How does a wife really know if a change has occurred in her husband's life?

Kathy: Yeah. When a man repents, it takes time for the old habits to change. There may be a genuine repentance but the old man is still hanging on and the old habits are still entrenched. It's going to take time for those things to be eradicated completely. The confusion probably is for the wife as she is seeing a little bit of the old man, but she is also seeing a little bit of the new man. I want to encourage those wives: if you feel like your husband has repented, give it time, it will manifest itself. True repentance has fruit. There's definite fruit in real repentance and it will show up in time.

Mike: Is there anything Kathy that you would encourage the wife specifically not to do?

Kathy: The wife has to be careful that she doesn't make herself, her feelings, and her marriage the center of the universe. It's very hard to do because women that have been affected by their husband's sexual sin live in fear. You have to really battle to keep yourself out of the middle of it, in the sense that if you see little pieces of the old man you will panic and feel like he hasn't changed, but that's not true. It's better to be on the side of believing the best than not. There's nothing worse for a man trying to come out of sexual sin than to have his wife - his helper - standing in the background accusing him. Even if she doesn't do it verbally, her actions and her manners may be saying to him "I don't trust you and I don't believe you." It's a tightrope for the man and the woman because she's been hurt. I believe in my heart for the most part most women want to believe the best, but when you've been hurt you're a little tentative to put your heart out there on the line. Yet on the man's side I believe that a lot of guys really do want to be free. They want to be normal and live a normal godly life with their family. So it's two people working together and not making each other the center of the universe. It's Jesus Christ who has to be made center and He will balance everything else out.

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Mike: What are some of the practical things that a wife can be looking for that might be evidence of true repentance?

Kathy: I think one of the most important things is that his overall attitude will be different towards her and the family. There will be a softness that probably hasn't been there in the past. More evidence would be his daily walk with the Lord, which to me is the biggie. The most important thing is what he is doing with God every day. Is it consistent? Does he desire fellowship with other believers? The Word of God is so important to this process. If a man is in the Word of God all the wife has to do is wait for the Word of God to take its effect. Those are some of the things I look for. When Steve repented those were the things that were pronounced in his life and I didn't know any of this stuff. I didn't have a Pure Life Ministries. The things that stood out the most to me and were so precious to me was that he wanted to be in the Word of God Every. Every spare moment he had he was reading the Bible and he was praying. I saw him repent and it wasn't because he got caught or because I was worried about something. He was having a relationship with Christ separate from me and it encouraged me very much, so that to me is real fruit of repentance.

Mike: It sounds like you're saying rather than being the hawk that is always looking for her husband doing something wrong, instead begin to look for her husband doing things right, and perhaps encourage him in those things...

Kathy: Yeah, there was nothing more sweet to me than when my husband told me that my support and my belief in him did so much to help him get free. I really want to encourage wives to be on that side. It's better. Even if he fails, it's better to be on the side of support than no support.

Mike: Then you know in the end that you have done the right thing and have done what you could do. You will have been more Christ-like towards your husband.

Kathy: And it's exactly what Jesus has been to us knowing full well we would fail Him, but He is always right there with us.

Mike: Amen. Well I'm sure that will be an encouragement to wives. Kathy Gallagher, thanks so much.

Kathy: Thank you, Mike.

One of the very real questions I have had to face in ministry is whether or not men in habitual sexual sin are truly saved. I have diligently studied the issue in Scripture with some of the best teachers from the three great schools of thought: Calvinism, Fundamentalism and Arminianism. After 30 years of sincerely considering this question with an open mind, I think I have finally arrived at a conclusion with which I am satisfied.

What Does it Mean to be Saved?

Before that question can be answered, a more fundamental one must be addressed: What does it mean to be saved? It was in the great “grace chapter” of Ephesians 2 that everything began to make sense to me. Look at the description of the unbeliever’s life presented there:

• They are dead in their trespasses and sins
• They walk according to the course of this world
• They walk according to the prince of the power of the air
• They indulge the desires of the flesh and mind
• They are by nature children of wrath

The next five verses indicate a change in the lives of those who have been regenerated that can be described as nothing less than spectacular:

• God made them alive together with Christ
• God raised them up with Him
• God seated them with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,
• God showed them the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness
• God created them for good works, which were prepared beforehand

It isn’t difficult to see the stunning difference between these two groups. There seems to be a great chasm separating them. Paul elsewhere describes this transformation in this way: “For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son.” (Colossians 1:13) He also wrote, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” (II Corinthians 5:17) Unquestionably, the true believer experiences a dramatic inward change.

This brings us to those men who seem to be standing with one foot in the domain of darkness and one foot in the Kingdom of God. Is it possible to be in both?

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Two Groups of “Christians”

The apostle John made a statement that at first glance seems to solve the mystery. “The one who practices sin is of the devil… No one who is born of God practices sin…” (1 John 3:8-9) Taken at face value, these statements could easily cause one to conclude that anyone bound in habitual sin is not truly a believer. But 20 years of ministering to sexual addicts causes me to hesitate to accept such a simple explanation. Instead, experience seems to tell me that there are two distinct groups of “Christian” men bound up in sin.

First, there are those who have truly been born anew but have not yet completely broken away from their past life of sin. As the man draws spiritual strength through his relationship with Christ, the longstanding habit gradually loses its power. His growing love for God is displacing his idolatrous love for sin.

The second group would be constituted as “tares,” men who have had some kind of religious experience that hasn’t actually taken hold in their hearts: “they believe for a while, and in time of temptation fall away.” (Luke 8:13) It seems that they have drawn near to the Light, but have drifted away from it without having experienced a true conversion. I call them tares because they continue in church alongside true believers, even though they really cannot be considered such.

How can a person in habitual sin know to which group he belongs? Well, let me first say that most insincere people don’t tend to question their salvation. They are presumptuous with God’s grace and assume because they have had some kind of encounter with Him that they are saved.

The difference between tares and wheat is found in the heart. Nothing short of a new heart can bring about the sudden and vivid transformation indicated by the second list above.

New Heart. New Desires.

The heart is primarily the center of a person’s being: the seat of his emotions, feelings, affections, motives and attitudes. Just like the physical heart pumps life-giving blood throughout the entire physiological being, so too the inner heart of man functions as the nucleus of all that goes on in a person’s life. It is the breeding ground for all of his thinking; the seedbed where ideas are formed, attitudes developed and out of which thoughts spring forth. It is the essence of man’s being.

When God has written His laws on a person’s heart—as the New Covenant promises in Jeremiah 31—the basic disposition of his life changes. There is more to this than simply changing one’s speech, stopping some bad habits and going to church. He now walks “in newness of life;” or as Jesus put it: “From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.” (John 7:38)

One minister expressed it this way: “At the moment of regeneration Christ enters the deepest being of man — enters that which underlies all faculties — changes it; makes it His Holy of Holies, and from it works through the whole range of man’s nature. Christ is at the very center of our being, and becomes so interlaced with it as to be present in all our life, to think in our thoughts, to speak in our words, to act in our actions.”

With a new heart come new desires. Whereas once his life revolved around the things of this world, now his greatest passion is the Kingdom of God. The Word of God thrills him. He may not be free from outward sin, but his attitude toward it is different. It is losing its luster. He is increasingly growing in love with Jesus Christ. As his relationship with God continues to grow, his spiritual lapses occur increasingly less frequently. Eventually, he looks back upon his life and realizes he hasn’t fallen into his old pet sin in quite some time. He is free!

Perhaps this is why Martyn Lloyd-Jones, one of the great Reformed teachers of the 20th Century, asked what he considered to be the clarifying question: “The greatest desire of the true Christian is to draw nearer to God. Can you say, honestly, that the greatest thing you desire at this moment is to know God better, and to realize His presence? If you can, you are a Christian. If you cannot, you had better examine the foundations again; for when a man is in Christ he has a new nature, and this new nature cries out for God.”

Is a man bound by habitual sexual sin truly saved? If a person has truly been regenerated, sin will not hold him. It will only be a matter of time before his old habits of sin are gone and he is enjoying the liberty of Christ. If he has not been converted, though he possesses a form of godliness, it is unlikely that he will find freedom from sin’s malignant power. Ultimately, I suppose “The proof is in the pudding.”

One of the great truths of the Gospel is that Jesus purchased humanity with His own blood so they could walk triumphantly over the power of sin.  Tragically though, there are many who never overcome addictions and habitual sin because they get stuck in a rut of apathy and hopelessness.  The truth is that they won’t put away their sin until they become so serious about their relationship with Jesus that they will do whatever it takes to walk holy. People must come to the point of desperation before they will be willing to recklessly abandon themselves to God.

While pastoring in Detroit I ministered to alcoholics, prostitutes, junkies and drug dealers.  These people had been devastated by sin; they had lost everything in life.  One would expect to see a single-minded determination to break free from the stranglehold of sin, but amazingly, most of them seemed unwilling to change. They lacked the desperation that is always present in a person’s life that finds true victory from the power of sin.

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The Law was Never Meant to Bring Liberty

The struggling believer is in a much better position than the unsaved drug addict out on the street.  Sin may be controlling his life but at least he has the knowledge of God’s law that is constantly reminding him of the wrongness of his transgressions. Nevertheless, the law can never bring liberty to the sinner.

Imagine if a person wrote the entire dos and don’ts of the Mosaic Law (moral laws) on the walls of his home.  They would not make him more holy, only guiltier.  These laws would point accusingly at him because every human being breaks those laws on a constant basis.  The law only kills and damns people because it reveals that they are actually lawbreakers.

Though the moral law manifests a person’s guilt before God as a lawbreaker, it is powerless to change him or give him the desire to do so.  The law screams, “Stop lusting! Stop fornicating! Stop the homosexuality! Stop gossiping! Stop gambling! Stop sinning!” Yet the desire and power to break the chains of sin are not there.  There must be something more, a love more powerful than the person’s love of sin and self.‍

The law was never meant to bring liberty; it was only meant to show people their great need for Someone who could save them from the power of sin. The law cannot make a person want to change because the knowledge of sin is not enough.  Even though a person knows he should quit his sinful behavior, he is locked into a terrible pattern of spiritual bondage and despair.  There must be something greater than his sin and if he doesn’t grab hold of the greater he will never have the desperation to change that is needed.

When a man grows desperate for God he becomes willing to do whatever it takes to overcome sin.  His heart begins to change and a cry wells up from within, “God, I can’t break these chains. They are too strong for me.  Please help me!”  This is the point of desperation where God visits His people and sets them free.  Only a hunger for God that seizes the soul will produce the driving passion needed for holiness.

The Victory is not Found in Self-Effort, but in Self-Abandonment

One of the greatest obstacles people face in their pursuit of victory is the matter of control.  Most people want to be free from the chains of sin, but they want to do it while maintaining control over their lives.  “If I can just do this one particular thing, I will find freedom,” they tell themselves.  Nevertheless, as long as they believe there is a solution outside of abandonment to Christ, they will remain a captive to sin. Their efforts to win the battle by their own methods and strength are doomed to failure as long as they remain in control.

The power to overcome sin will never be found in a person’s own determination or wisdom.  Freedom from the bondage of sin only comes through surrender to God.  The man must come to the point where he falls unreservedly at the feet of Jesus and cries out, “Oh God, I’m weary of my sin!  I can’t overcome it without you.  You are my only hope!”  It is at this point of helplessness that the man is closest to victory.

General William Booth, the founder of the Salvation Army said, “The greatness of a man’s power is the measure of his surrender.”  People who have done tremendous exploits for God did not possess great abilities in themselves but were people who completely abandoned themselves to the Lord of miracles.

So it is with the battle with sin.  The victory is not found in self-effort but in self-abandonment.  Oswald Chambers put it this way: “What is needed in spiritual matters is reckless abandonment to the Lord Jesus Christ, reckless and uncalculating abandonment, with no reserve anywhere about it.”

The Power for Holiness Comes Through Intimacy

Acquiring a relentless determination to live in victory will not happen through one’s own willpower but through one’s affections.  To put it simply, it is a matter of love.  People become addicted to some particular besetting sin because it is what the flesh loves.  And what’s more, the flesh will always love it and there is no amount of effort on a person’s part that can bring to an end his love of sin and self.

His only hope of overcoming habitual sin is to replace his love for sin with a consuming love for God.  Until this love seizes the soul the person will never experience a driving passion for holiness.  Only when he looks into Christ’s lovely face will he find a love that will eclipse his love of sin and self.

So herein lies the answer. It is to see Jesus, to fall in love with “The Lover of My Soul.” This is why the Psalmist declared, “My eyes are fixed on you, oh, Sovereign Lord.” (Psalm 141:8)  Every time a man falls into sin it’s because he has taken his eyes off of Christ’s lovely face.  In other words, he abandons his first or principle love.  That is why the devil and the world are relentlessly trying to get believers to take their eyes off of Jesus.  But godly men and women have learned the secret of making Jesus the focus of their entire life.

The power for holiness comes through intimacy.  Look at Jesus, and His love will burn in your heart. The greatest victory and joy you will ever know will be yours as you recklessly abandon yourself to Christ.

I will share one final quote in closing.  Robert Murray McCheyne said, “Let the Holy Spirit fill every chamber of your heart so that there will be no room for folly or the world or Satan or the flesh.”  If you lack this kind of infilling of the Holy Spirit, get on your face before God and cry out for it.  Ask the Lord to help you grow desperate you for Him.  Ask Him to bring you to a place of absolute surrender.  It is there—in complete despair of being able to find the answer in your own abilities and strength—that you will find the One who can set you free from the power of sin.

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